funeral question

[Indiana Mike]

I have a question regarding visitation at a funeral home.

Our department manager's father passed away.

He ( the manager , NOT the deceased) is one level above our first line manager.

This is a family run business and the deceased is family,but was never connected to the business . It is his son that works there as our dept manager.

The death was not officially announced . The funeral was not announced . Nothing had been said at all . We found out via the obituaries section of the newspaper and the old rumor mill.

I feel it is not appropriate to attend official services . Mainly because the death was sudden and unexpected ( cancer diagnosed three weeks ago) and the fact is has been kept hush hush. Also because of the nature of the relationship,,,employee ,manager.

Others feel it is.

Thoughts?

 

[fraublugher]

Show up if you are not working.
Express condolences if you find yourself talking to family.
Don't linger.

 

[placedesjardins]

I have a question regarding visitation at a funeral home.

Our department manager's father passed away.

He ( the manager , NOT the deceased) is one level above our first line manager.

This is a family run business and the deceased is family,but was never connected to the business . It is his son that works there as our dept manager.

The death was not officially announced . The funeral was not announced . Nothing had been said at all . We found out via the obituaries section of the newspaper and the old rumor mill.

I feel it is not appropriate to attend official services . Mainly because the death was sudden and unexpected ( cancer diagnosed three weeks ago) and the fact is has been kept hush hush. Also because of the nature of the relationship,,,employee ,manager.

Others feel it is.

Thoughts?

It is not appropriate to bring your girlfriend and publically perform a crazy horizontal mambo at the funeral. You are such a weirdo. Man...

 

[Pilgrim]

If it's hush hush, you don't need to be there.

 

[bassinplace]

If the bereaved didn't make you privy to the situation then why would you pry? Just like anything else, if you're not invited, then don't show up would be the common sense approach, I would think.

 

[Phalex]

Did you know the dead guy? Are you friends with his son?

If the answer to both questions is no, send a card, maybe some flowers.

 

[arbitrary]

wait for the invitation, that way you'll also find out where they registered.

 

[RadioactiveGuy4]

One of my favorite futurama quotes

"... in lieu of sending flowers, please beat yourselves in the face with rusty chains. Your friend Bender"

 

[icks]

I fell you don't want to be a disturbance for the family pain.
Go only to the church, leave after.

 

[pasta4lnch]

Fwiw having lost close family members I dreaded the funeral interactions but have been amazed at some people who show. Either out of respect to the deceased or me or my family. In the end it was heartwarming and not obtrusive.

 

[MatticusMania]

I make it my goal in life to attend as few funerals as possible.

 

[chicago_mike]

Don't linger and don't poke it to see if it moves.

And don't make jokes like, " I think he winked at me'"....

Some people are sensitive....

 

[sloasdaylight]

In my opinion, unless you're good friends with the deceased's family, or the deceased, you shouldn't go to the services uninvited. Could be the reason they didn't invite you/employees is because they want to maintain a level of separation between family that's not involved in the business and the business. Or perhaps because they don't want to blur the line between employees and management, or a whole slew of other reasons. Maybe your dept. manager flat doesn't like you guys. Maybe it's going to be a small, private family affair.

If you see your manager prior to the funeral, offer your condolences and, if you're so inclined, ask whether it would be ok for you to pay your respects at the services. If he says no, respect his wishes.

 

[Febs]

In my experience, people usually do not extend invitations to funerals. Rather, it is understood that anyone who wishes to pay their respects may attend unless the family says otherwise. So, if the details for the funeral service were published in the obituary, I think that it is probably not inappropriate for you to attend if you feel inclined to do so. If the services are intended to be limited, the obituary will usually say that.

For example, when my mother-in-law passed away last year, the burial was limited to immediate family, but the viewing and service were open. The obituary provided the details for the viewing and service, but said something along the lines of, "Internment will be private."

 

[two fingers]

All just my opinions......

1) A funeral is NOT for the deceased, but for the survivors. The deceased doesn't care. So, if you have regular dealings with the manager, swing by and speak, then leave.

2) I have been to many funerals, but have never ever even HEARD of INVITATIONS to a funeral! What are you people even TALKING about???? Invitations? They are announced publicly in newspapers and whatnot, and whomever feels the need to shows up. Invitations...... what the crap? Ridiculous. If the family wanted it to be private it would not be announced! Not in the obits or anywhere else.

3) I doubt very seriously that anyone would ever think to themselves "How dare that guy show up at this funeral to pay his respects! The nerve of some people!" (Seems kind of ridiculous when you think about it.) So I can't even fathom a scenario whereby you would OFFEND anyone by showing up. That too is a silly notion.

What planet are some of you people from anyway? Paying respects offensive and invitations to funerals? *sigh* Just ridiculous.

 

[sloasdaylight]

All just my opinions......

1) A funeral is NOT for the deceased, but for the survivors. The deceased doesn't care. So, if you have regular dealings with the manager, swing by and speak, then leave.

2) I have been to many funerals, but have never ever even HEARD of INVITATIONS to a funeral! What are you people even TALKING about???? Invitations? They are announced publicly in newspapers and whatnot, and whomever feels the need to shows up. Invitations...... what the crap? Ridiculous. If the family wanted it to be private it would not be announced! Not in the obits or anywhere else.

3) I doubt very seriously that anyone would ever think to themselves "How dare that guy show up at this funeral to pay his respects! The nerve of some people!" (Seems kind of ridiculous when you think about it.) So I can't even fathom a scenario whereby you would OFFEND anyone by showing up. That too is a silly notion.

What planet are some of you people from anyway? Paying respects offensive and invitations to funerals? *sigh* Just ridiculous.

Not invitations in the same manner as a Wedding invitation or a Save the Date, but more like "Hey, my Dad passed, services are going to be on this date, on this time" sort of thing. Beyond that, we don't know what the obituary said. Perhaps it could merely have announced the date, and not said where or when the services were going to be. Perhaps it could have said something like "Well wishers are encouraged to send flowers or donations to charities" or something like that.

There is a difference between announcing someone has died, and inviting everyone in town via an obit. My family has done both, for different reasons, based on the surviving family. The deaths have always been announced in the paper, but we haven't always listed where and when.

 

[BboogieXVII]

If the guy that passed was known to you personally then yes, go for it. If not, I don't think you're gonna get any brownie points for showing up.

 

[Lonesomedave]

I make it my goal in life to attend as few funerals as possible.

i know one you're going to be attending in the future....

 

[LiquidMidnight]

My philosophy has always been that unless you are a family member, close friend/associate, or a significant other accompanying a family member or close friend, then it's more socially acceptable to make an appearance at the viewing to pay respects and leave the formal service for the people who are related or know the deceased more personally.

 

[BassChuck]

Send a card.