Double Bass How do I cope?

[deepestend]

Yep. Jester East.

It's a big school, but as long as she finds some ways to get involved and meet people, she will be good. It took me a little while, but it finally clicked. What's her program so far?

 

[jdwinva]

Dropped my son off at CMU in Pittsburgh in mid-August. Have only been mildly sad a couple of times SINCE we left (I had the feels when we dropped him off). Why?

1) He's a musician (not a music major, but looking for a way to work it into his major), and at the first family orientation session two non-music majors were playing Lean on Me (guitar, keys, vox) EXTREMELY well. That got my tears out but more importantly told me there was a place for his passion there.

2) Senior year of HS, he and my wife were at odds CONSTANTLY. I think part of it was that she was nervous about him leaving, but it came off as over-momming and getting in his business. Didn't help that he didn't get his license until the end of the year, so we were constantly "on-call" for his band and drama rehearsals.

3) Left him there with one electric (Gretsch Streamliner), one acoustic (Taylor), one bass (MIM Jazz), one guitalele and his practice amp. Within one day he was performing for the entire student body with an ad hoc band. PS he plays lefty so he needs to have any instrument he'll need (although annoyingly he can play a righty upside down almost as well).

4) Since then he's been accepted into the CMU Jazz Orchestra and Jazz Choir. He was trying out for drama clubs this weekend.

5) He said all his teachers are good and three are outstanding.

6) He barely calls us. E.g. he's good.

7) Last week he had me ship him our JBL portable (rechargeable) monitor with three inputs, three mics, and his Talkbox. He's getting ready for some advanced busking, I think.

I am not sad. I am excited that he's spreading his wings and seems to have his eyes on taking full advantage of his opportunities and becoming a man.

CMU is a great school. Expensive, but ....

 

[Sam Sherry]

So much sound advice.
It's literally a universal experience; everybody used to be eighteen.

I love Khalil Gibran's poem:



(Is that Leonard Nimoy reading? Is that the person famed for playing an emotionless character bringing to life one of the great emotional expressions of the last century?)

 

[EliasA]

So much sound advice.
It's literally a universal experience; everybody used to be eighteen.

I love Khalil Gibran's poem:



(Is that Leonard Nimoy reading? Is that the person famed for playing an emotionless character bringing to life one of the great emotional expressions of the last century?)

Khalil Gibran representation is amazing! (I'm Lebanese)

 

[Ketbass]

The wife and I just dropped off our daughter at her dorm at University of Texas at Austin and we are both having a hard time with it. She’s our only child and she was such a focus for the both of us for 18 years. Tonight I broke down and kind of lost it thinking about when she was little and how grown up she’s become. I know I should try and be more positive as I’m going to have so much extra time now for practice and other hobbies, but she is my mini-me (she loves music, vinyl, role playing games, fantasy and sci-fi fiction and movies and she has my sense of humor); so not having her around will be such an adjustment for me especially.

I know many of you all have gone through the same situation and how have you all handled it? Are there any tips to make this difficult time get any easier? Thanks.
View attachment 7020774

My theory for all these moments is to let go of the people you love so that they can fulfill their dreams and create their own narrative that that looks and feels most like them. They sometimes make terrible decisions, then have to work through them. Other times, they say something to you that will make you pound your chest with self congratulation. Both are good. Both are growth. Both will lead them back to you as your friend. This is the best part. And don’t forget to live your life and create a new narrative that doesn’t always include your kids. Play more bass. Enjoy your time with your wife as that new couple. You’re gonna learn to love this! Oh yeah, change the locks now before you forget….

 

[Ketbass]

So much sound advice.
It's literally a universal experience; everybody used to be eighteen.

I love Khalil Gibran's poem:



(Is that Leonard Nimoy reading? Is that the person famed for playing an emotionless character bringing to life one of the great emotional expressions of the last century?)

That reminded me: Also beautifully done:

 

[bigdaddybass12]

1. Give her space.
2. After a few weeks you will get better.
3. After a few months you will enjoy being an empty nester.

 

[Silevesq]

Hoping this will make you smile, but here I am already freaking out that my son is starting kindergarten next year...

 

[oldNewbie]

Many great responses. Might be a good time to consider why you are feeling the loss - is it short term interruption or are you wired to want your children close ? 25+ years ago a pair of Meyers-Briggs tests and a wise counselor provided valuable insights that we still use, maybe some outside viewpoint will be helpful to you too.
And one thing you can look forward to are your daughter’s friends . Since the kids moved out, our family has grown, not shrunk. I learned this from my parents who kept up with my school friends better than I did, but now it’s our turn. You will be richer for it.

 

[Keith Rawlings]

Ok - so many great responses and suggestions from my original post. I thank everyone for their input. It is getting easier, but we got home on Tuesday and ended up eating dinner in bed. Wednesday I cooked and set the table and we couldn't even eat there cause Kadence wasn't sitting there with us in her normal spot at the table. We ended up eating on TV trays. Yesterday and today we ate at the table, but I changed it up and removed the leaf from the table--and now it seems like a whole new table. I'm rambling though...

I'm sure she and her mom are also going through the same thing.

But, having gone through this with two sons, I can tell you the most rewarding part is 4 to 5 years down the road, realizing that you and your child are now good, in fact maybe the best, of friends. I realize, in the midst of raising our children sometimes it's hard to keep that aspect in mind. But after all the raising is over, the friendships begin.

Best to you and your family as you go through this together.

We are looking forward to having her become our friend and not just our daughter. I never even considered this as a possible outcome of her foray into the real world. In the meantime, we are still keeping up with her via text, cell phone and Facetime.

My twin daughters both left for university 8 years ago . They came back at holidays and Xmas which was a joy . They returned home when they had finished their degrees as decent adults . It was a joy to have them return and live here . Their 4 years away had allowed them to grow as human beings in a good way . We have to let them have their own space to evolve . Take joy in that journey for them , and enjoy the prospect of what they will become .
It may seem hard now , but every return visit will bring greater reward .

We are very much looking forward to visiting her and having her come home whenever she has time (we are four hours south of Austin in Corpus Christi). We are definitely trying to let her have her space as we know she has obligations with her classes. She surprised us yesterday saying that she wants to come home to celebrate her mother's birthday at the end of the month, which was totally out of the blue and her suggestion; so we are excited about that. We got her and a friend tickets for the Mitski concert that's happening in a few weeks on campus at the Moody Center and she is going to get some much needed entertainment time after hitting her classes hard the first few weeks.

I completely understand, and the two answers above are fantastic. My son will be 22 in October and finishing college this year. He went to my university (because he has free tuition there), but has been living in an apartment in a small city across the river because rent is cheaper there. This empty nester time has been a challenge, but it has also been very rewarding.

All of life is a series of transitions, both for us and for our kids. I remember what a hot mess I was at that age and try to focus on what I can do to help him in his part of his transition. This includes financial things like buying most of his groceries, covering insurance and unexpected car repair bills, etc., but more importantly finding the right mix of support and freedom. We are always here when he needs us for a bad breakup, or school troubles, or whatever he’s going through. Being that backstop feels and is meaningful. And the time we do have is the best ever, because being around other young folks who didn’t have such a supportive home life reminds him that he is lucky he did, and brings us all closer together.

It’s bittersweet, to be sure, but the best advice I have - stolen from some book by Will Durant that I read decades ago - is to embrace the sweet and forgive the bitterness.

I am trying everyday to embrace the sweet and to forgive the bitterness. Trying not to miss her so much and to be happy that she is attempting to fulfill her dreams; yet still be supportive emotionally and financially. She sent us a copy of her tuition bill the other day to remind us that the final installment was due for this semester. As if we would forget--ha! That's my kid.

Our life journeys as our musical journeys are obviously different. Even if similar. I have been blessed with 3 bio kids and 3 from my second marriage. Step is not a term used in our house…
Through this we have our 11th grandchild on the way. Everyone is local. Which is awesome! But there is still the pulling away as they all grow, whether it’s 6 or 1. Now you from a distance as needed, parent in a different way. And the same in some respects. And as some have said, now you begin to grow and develop the friendship side of your relationship with your daughter.
Love on your wife a little bit more. She needs it just like you do.

Love on your bass a little extra too…

Yes. The wife was taking it harder than me in some respects. Each day seems to be getting a little better. I made her favorite BBQ beef ribs last night and she really appreciated it. It was weird making so much less though with one less mouth to feed at home. Meal planning will definitely change.

Today I had a much needed slap session with my Kay today. I have been focusing on my arco studies so much over the last few months that I'd almost forgotten about how much fun and release I get from playing slap. It's wonderfully gratifying when you've got some frustrations to get out.

This is the point of being a parent -- you invest in your child to prepare them for this moment. At some point the baby bird has to fly from the nest. It sounds like you have a great relationship, so don't worry -- she'll want to call you. My daughter talked to my wife at least weekly and sometimes daily.

College is half about the degree you are getting, and half training wheels for adulthood. Take pleasure in watching her mature and become a fully formed human.

I love this. I just have to learn to take pleasure in watching her grow into an adult instead of just lamenting about how much I miss her and thinking about her when she was little. I think about that scene in "Father of the Bride" when Steve Martin is playing basketball with his adult daughter and he just sees her shooting hoops as a little girl. This is how I see my daughter at times when I think about all we have been through as parents. It's tough.

I assume she is the last or only child? So, empty nest? I gotta say.... Empty nesting is GREAT. If we decide to go out of town on the spur of the moment, we go. No calling a babysitter, no calling a friend/relative to watch her, etc. Just go. Decide to eat out on the spur of the moment? Just go. I know that television and movies make a huge deal out of empty nesters feeling lonely, but we never experienced that. (It could have helped that we had three.)

On the other hand, your mini-me is always going to be your mini-me. No question about it. She will eventually find someone more important in her life, but so did you. So did your spouse. So will she. That doesn't mean you are no longer important. You will always have a special place in her heart for you just as you have for her.

Go buy a new bass.

It's really weird having so much time that doesn't revolve around my child (who is an only child). We don't have to ask what she wants to eat for dinner and then plan accordingly...and I can't buy another bass as I have three uprights (one that needs some repair) and two bass guitars. I have trouble finding room for what I have now and the wife would kill me if I bought anything else.

It’s tough. But you’ll adapt. You don’t say how far away UT is. My daughter went to school four hours away. We made a point to visit her about every eight weeks. The years flew by. She now lives on the other side of the country in Boston. I miss her everyday. But she’s always just a quick text or call away.

She is four hours away from us and we are planning on catching a couple of Longhorn games and coming up to visit when it's feasible. I have several buddies that I've known for years in the Austin music scene who I definitely want to go and check out at some point. The live music scene there isn't what it was in the 90's and early 00's, but it's still there--you just have to go looking for it now. Plus I can always have an excuse to go to ACL and SXSW now.

To the OP: Keith, the good news is that she's doing exactly what she is supposed to do. My wife and I have put two daughters through college. Both were close enough to see us often, but that was up to them, not us.

This is the time for you to do what you're supposed to do, which is love and support her from a distance. In other words, just "cope." This is the next stage of her life and she's in the process of becoming who she will be. Communication is good; support is good; visiting during the semester for campus events is OK. Meanwhile, go out as a couple and enjoy the unaccustomed time you have; this is the start of the rest of YOUR life as well, and it will have pluses and minuses.

You and your wife will be OK. Your daughter will be OK. Take comfort in knowing that you're both where you should be in life, doing what you need to do.

This also reminds me of the day that our older daughter (by 13 months) got her driver's license and drove her sister to school the first time. My wife and I stood in the driveway, watched them back out of the driveway and move down the road and we turned to each other. It felt REALLY weird that for the first time, they were going somewhere and neither of us were driving them. We looked at each other and said so...then we laughed about it.

I talked to my wife about this yesterday that we need to look on the bright side of all of this; that it's going to be like how we were before we had a kid. I think in 1998 and 1999 that every weekend I wasn't playing, we were driving all over the state to catch some great live music somewhere. We could just up and go wherever we wanted then and now we can do that again. Plus we can work remotely from anywhere that has an internet connection, so destination work-cations are a definite possibility now.

Driving was another scary time. I remember when she first took her car to school Junior Year and how happy we were that she made it into the parking lot okay. She's a great driver too, but as a parent you worry.

I went through the same exact thing. My wife and I went to her university and helped her set up her room. She was so excited. We walked back to the car, holding hands, and never said a word to each other. I was doing all I could to keep it together, not wanting to upset her. We got about a block away, and I heard her sniffle. We both started bawling like babies. I was crying so badly, I had to pull over for a few minutes.

I felt empty inside for a few days, but we eventually got used to this new "normal". You will too. Hang in there. You sound like great parents.

Watching her walk back to her dorm after we dropped her off was straight waterworks for the both of us. It's better now and I'm hopeful it all continues to improve.

Tough. The Mrs is a research director at the 40. Seriously, it’s a small world. There are plenty of us who can at least be a point should you need. Her office is actually in Belmont which is the west side of the stadium.
I’m a Bear but for you I’ll say it, Hook’em.

It’s a busy campus but it’s dense and wherever she lives there’s probably someone close from her hometown.

My daughter stayed pretty close, 100 miles, and is now only in Houston. But my son is in NYC starting junior year and it’s hard, not gonna lie.

It took us a long time to feel like proper empty nesters. Just remind yourself how wonderful her experience will be. That’s a great school, great city. There are a lot of things to keep a Texas freshman busy so don’t flip if the phone doesn’t ring every day.

ps
Right now go put together a goodie box of treats from your local grocery or make something. That will help you and probably earn you a text with a heart emoji.

You got this. This is proof that you did a good job.

The wife is getting really excited about the whole care package thing. She has already started putting one together and we have an order for Amazon for some of the other things she needs for her dorm to add to the box. I bought her one of those cool clicky pens with four different inks on one pen as she loves them (and hers ran out); and I'm going to put some other stuff in there. There is a Ween T-shirt she wants that I'm going to get her too.

I think for me the focus will be bass, bass, bass and outdoor projects. For my wife it'll be different, but care packages seem to be a nice way to start. I told her to look into some additional hobbies, but that'll take some time for her to get around to as she and I continue to cope. I got some good news the other day that my double bass instructor will still be able to work with me via Zoom for the time being, so I'm looking forward to resuming lessons with him (he is in the Air Force Band now with a great opportunity there); and I'm going to be demoing some new rosin soon. I'm also going to work on some jazz chops with another friend of mine who teaches DB at some point.

I know it will get better--it'll just take time. Thank you everyone -- I love Talkbass.

 

[Rene Hart]

I hear that, It's a lot!
Discovering that parents have to grow more than children can really suck, but lean into it for the path to happiness.
The pain of a child going to college can be a lot, but it's easier than the 100s of extremely messed up things that happen to young people. You're blessed, it still hurts. Don't be afraid to seek mental health services if it becomes overwhelming.

I find this amazing video helps with the growing part (thanks to Quest Love).

I don't know you, so the caveat is that it's some real deal self reflection (it's only 8 minutes, but leave some time to put yourself back together).

||: Breathe :||

 

[turf3]

My daughter did her masters in music at UTA. Austin is great as long as you don’t have to drive. Austin outgrew it’s highway/road systems 20 years ago and it’s a traffic nightmare.
..

"UTA" is Arlington. UT Austin is just "UT".

 

[EliasA]

"UTA" is Arlington. UT Austin is just "UT".

THANK YOU.

 

[Keith Rawlings]

Update - my daughter is doing really well and is almost halfway through her second semester at Texas. She got all A's the first semester and the wife and I were able to go up and visit her a few times. She was even able to come home for a few weekends and for almost an entire week due to inclement weather that cancelled classes. We are adjusting to all of this fairly well (finally) and my daughter is thriving and doing well with her first foray into adulting. We get her home for Spring Break soon too and we are definitely looking forward to that.

Thanks again to everyone for their kind words and thoughts on how to cope with this life change.

 

[Steve Killingsworth]