Double Bass How do I cope?

[ezstep]

I assume she is the last or only child? So, empty nest? I gotta say.... Empty nesting is GREAT. If we decide to go out of town on the spur of the moment, we go. No calling a babysitter, no calling a friend/relative to watch her, etc. Just go. Decide to eat out on the spur of the moment? Just go. I know that television and movies make a huge deal out of empty nesters feeling lonely, but we never experienced that. (It could have helped that we had three.)

On the other hand, your mini-me is always going to be your mini-me. No question about it. She will eventually find someone more important in her life, but so did you. So did your spouse. So will she. That doesn't mean you are no longer important. You will always have a special place in her heart for you just as you have for her.

Go buy a new bass.

 

[Five or Six]

My folks were glad to get rid of me when I went to college. I got my degree and they threw one helluva party for me. It's the only time I heard my dad say he was proud of me. As for my kids when they left the nest, it was refreshing for everyone. With freedom comes responsibility and they enjoyed both. They both grew up educated, polite, and respectful. I gave them what they needed to become real people. Thats what you are doing now. I was a parent and a friend but, parent first.

Enjoy the fact that your daughter is an adult and healthy! It's an adjustment when they leave but it's good for everyone. Embrace the fact that you raised her well and she is off to be a successful adult. Now, its your's and your wife's time to change gears and enjoy each other. When my cousin left home his folks called him everyday, sometimes twice. He resented that.

 

[smatanovic]

I dropped my son at college about three weeks ago. He's my first born, the oldest of three, and I and his sisters miss him terribly. Yes, it was heartbreaking, but learning to be self-sufficient, curious, and engaged as a citizen in the world is why we spend so much time and effort as parents giving our kids the tools to help them succeed. Trust that you raised her to be empathetic, resilient, and to know how to ask for help when she needs it. The rest is in her hands. You will always be the fulcrum upon which she moves the world!

 

[pbassnut]

The wife and I just dropped off our daughter at her dorm at University of Texas at Austin and we are both having a hard time with it. She’s our only child and she was such a focus for the both of us for 18 years. Tonight I broke down and kind of lost it thinking about when she was little and how grown up she’s become. I know I should try and be more positive as I’m going to have so much extra time now for practice and other hobbies, but she is my mini-me (she loves music, vinyl, role playing games, fantasy and sci-fi fiction and movies and she has my sense of humor); so not having her around will be such an adjustment for me especially.

I know many of you all have gone through the same situation and how have you all handled it? Are there any tips to make this difficult time get any easier? Thanks.
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Just know that this could very well be a watershed time in her life. I made some of the best friends of my life when I went away to college ... ones that I'm still in touch with today after over four decades. In addition, UT and Austin, TX in general is a VERY cool place so I would advise you to visit her as often as you can.

 

[ColinR]

My wife and I went through that last year, and just sent Jr off again for year 2. Like your situation, he and I are very close. He's a bassist and we have similar interests. Ironically though, I think his mom and he have become closer again in his absence, which is good. These things come and go and evolve as they grow and we become adjusted to changes. Your activities and your relationship with God will help with this and you will soon find yourself very adjusted... At least from my experience.

 

[TroyK]

Can't help you, my son is starting his junior year in high school, BUT your photo reminds me of the day we dropped my older sister off at UT. I was starting middle school and she had been right there every day of my life and now we were going to drive back to Dallas and she was going to stay there. In my head, it was the same spot as your picture.

I cried my eyes out in the backseat until we got to about Waco. Of course, she needed to go off to college and I needed to deal with being a teenager on my own and we had a lot of life ahead of us. I think I'm going to call her today.

You'll be okay. I can only imagine how it feels (at least for the next two years), but you know it's going to be okay. Hang in there.

 

[MCF]

The wife and I just dropped off our daughter at her dorm at University of Texas at Austin and we are both having a hard time with it. She’s our only child and she was such a focus for the both of us for 18 years. Tonight I broke down and kind of lost it thinking about when she was little and how grown up she’s become. I know I should try and be more positive as I’m going to have so much extra time now for practice and other hobbies, but she is my mini-me (she loves music, vinyl, role playing games, fantasy and sci-fi fiction and movies and she has my sense of humor); so not having her around will be such an adjustment for me especially.

I know many of you all have gone through the same situation and how have you all handled it? Are there any tips to make this difficult time get any easier? Thanks.
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It’s tough. But you’ll adapt. You don’t say how far away UT is. My daughter went to school four hours away. We made a point to visit her about every eight weeks. The years flew by. She now lives on the other side of the country in Boston. I miss her everyday. But she’s always just a quick text or call away.

 

[Pilgrim]

To the OP: Keith, the good news is that she's doing exactly what she is supposed to do. My wife and I have put two daughters through college. Both were close enough to see us often, but that was up to them, not us.

This is the time for you to do what you're supposed to do, which is love and support her from a distance. In other words, just "cope." This is the next stage of her life and she's in the process of becoming who she will be. Communication is good; support is good; visiting during the semester for campus events is OK. Meanwhile, go out as a couple and enjoy the unaccustomed time you have; this is the start of the rest of YOUR life as well, and it will have pluses and minuses.

You and your wife will be OK. Your daughter will be OK. Take comfort in knowing that you're both where you should be in life, doing what you need to do.

This also reminds me of the day that our older daughter (by 13 months) got her driver's license and drove her sister to school the first time. My wife and I stood in the driveway, watched them back out of the driveway and move down the road and we turned to each other. It felt REALLY weird that for the first time, they were going somewhere and neither of us were driving them. We looked at each other and said so...then we laughed about it.

 

[EricOnTheBass]

I'm in the same boat as you, @Keith Rawlings . We dropped off our son at college two weeks ago. He's also our only child. The first few days were hardest, but after that, we started to feel better about things. He's doing much better with this than we are, and we are glad for that. But now, my wife and I are starting to rediscover the joy of not having kids around It's so much easier to plan meals and stuff when it's just the two of us, haha.

This is a necessary next chapter to our lives, and we want our son to do well, and we have no choice but to embrace the changes. We are focusing on the positives for ourselves as a couple and for our son as a young man going out into the world.

Congrats on your daughter starting at UT!

 

[STRMan]

I went through the same exact thing. My wife and I went to her university and helped her set up her room. She was so excited. We walked back to the car, holding hands, and never said a word to each other. I was doing all I could to keep it together, not wanting to upset her. We got about a block away, and I heard her sniffle. We both started bawling like babies. I was crying so badly, I had to pull over for a few minutes.

I felt empty inside for a few days, but we eventually got used to this new "normal". You will too. Hang in there. You sound like great parents.

 

[Deleted member 394181]

Just hope that she can use the education to succeed when she's done. I made sure our daughter didn't major in Underwater Basket Weaving. If you get what I mean. Also, play Bass, a lot! If you don't have one, turn her room into your music room.

 

[Camarillo]

Time will fix it.
Don’t overthink about this thing. It’s a natural passage of life, it has to happen sooner or later.
If I may, don’t confuse love and affection with what Buddha called “attachment”. You probably are suffering because you are attached to you role of father of a child/girl. You’re father of an adult now. And it’s a great experience.

 

[hasbeen]

enjoy seeing the fruits of you efforts as she grows up. Celebrate her successes and encourage her continued growth.

 

[Smooth_bass88]

yeah play yer bass

 

[Killing Floor]

Tough. The Mrs is a research director at the 40. Seriously, it’s a small world. There are plenty of us who can at least be a point should you need. Her office is actually in Belmont which is the west side of the stadium.
I’m a Bear but for you I’ll say it, Hook’em.

It’s a busy campus but it’s dense and wherever she lives there’s probably someone close from her hometown.

My daughter stayed pretty close, 100 miles, and is now only in Houston. But my son is in NYC starting junior year and it’s hard, not gonna lie.

It took us a long time to feel like proper empty nesters. Just remind yourself how wonderful her experience will be. That’s a great school, great city. There are a lot of things to keep a Texas freshman busy so don’t flip if the phone doesn’t ring every day.

ps
Right now go put together a goodie box of treats from your local grocery or make something. That will help you and probably earn you a text with a heart emoji.

You got this. This is proof that you did a good job.

 

[Tom Lane]

So, I didn't have anything for this topic until now because... my daughter moved out at eighteen to become a ballerina at the Sacramonto Ballet. I helped her find her new digs and moved her but after that, she was on her own. Her Mom and I missed her a bit for a few weeks but we were happy for her success and now, looking back on it, how incredibly proud and grateful we are for her successful launch out of the nest. Having tried to help a niece the past couple of years who has completely failed to launch, I now realize how lucky we were.
Like you, we have a close, positive relationship with our daughter and we were actively participating parents. I.e., when she got into her teen years and I'd pick her up and get one-word responses during our fifteen minute ride home, I started taking her to brunch once a week. Put a plate a food in front of her and I got ALL the dirt about school, friends, and fears. More recently, I started an annual father+daughter vacation and that's been going well.
So, my contribution: be helpful, be supportive, offer advice when asked, ask lots of questions but respect her privacy.
My daughter's 32 now, just finishing her undergrad and is planning to start graduate school at Berekley next year and is transitioning to her next career. I find it very rewarding that she's matured into a successful adult.
I am NOT at all happy about the fact that she's teaching me things as often as I'm teaching her things these days because that's NOT how this is supposed to work. She's supposed to be the ignorant child and me, the benevolent, all-knowing god, but, not so much any longer. I keep asking myself when this changed and I get nothing.

 

[jthisdell]

Transitioning to the empty nest can be tough. When my youngest went to UVA I was kind of lost, the Mrs. was fine with it. Fortunately that was when I got back into playing after a 25 year break but there were some long, quiet days. The two girls seem to be testing us, first they went to JMU and UVA, so both about two hours drive away. Then the older one graduated and moved about 3-4 hours drive away. Then the younger one graduated and moved about the same distance. Then the older one moved to California, the younger one countered by moving to Northern Va. All good so far. Then the older one moved home for nine months and then left for Amsterdam. The younger one moved a little closer back to UVA. Then the younger one moved to New York and then to Singapore. So at that point I have them nine and twelve time zones apart. Then COVID came so none of us could visit the others at all! That was a little hard. A little. Covid lockdown ended, younger one moved home for nine months and then to New York City. So one is now 450 miles away and the other is like 6,000 miles away.

Thankfully we now have Face Time. A couple of years ago we were at the Tenement Museum in New York and I was struck by the story of Italian Immigrants who came over and never saw their parents again after they left Italy. Now that would have been hard.

 

[MrLenny1]

Try some Skype sessions maybe. You're a good Dad.

 

[deepestend]

The wife and I just dropped off our daughter at her dorm at University of Texas at Austin and we are both having a hard time with it. She’s our only child and she was such a focus for the both of us for 18 years. Tonight I broke down and kind of lost it thinking about when she was little and how grown up she’s become. I know I should try and be more positive as I’m going to have so much extra time now for practice and other hobbies, but she is my mini-me (she loves music, vinyl, role playing games, fantasy and sci-fi fiction and movies and she has my sense of humor); so not having her around will be such an adjustment for me especially.

I know many of you all have gone through the same situation and how have you all handled it? Are there any tips to make this difficult time get any easier? Thanks.
View attachment 7020774

That brings me back... is that Jester dorm? I was at UT 91-95 and lived where you are standing or very close to it.

 

[Keith Rawlings]

That brings me back... is that Jester dorm? I was at UT 91-95 and lived where you are standing or very close to it.

Yep. Jester East.