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How hard do you play?

How hard to play really is a question of what type of music you are playing (to a great extent).
If you play a jazz ballad, "hard" strokes may be out of place, but if it's a "rock ballad" you may want to dig in more.
If you are playing cover tunes, it's simply a question of how hard did the original guy play it, as audiences and buyers of tribute bands tend to like you better if you sound like the original.
If you are doing original tunes, or original arrangements of covers it's all a matter of taste. I usually adapt to the wishes of the composer or musical director, in the spirit of being a "team player".

Keep in mind if you do generally play harder, you may want to raise your action a bit to avoid fret "buzz".
I have found (as a generally hard player) that if you simultaniously hammer-on the note with your (left) hand while plucking hard (or hammering) with the plucking hand, that there is a compression like effect that allows the desired drive sound of a hard hit string, with out the extra string movement and resulting fret buzz.
"Have fun!"
Rudi
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when i first started bass guitar, my teacher at the time (primarily a double bass guy) taught me to play very lightly with a lot of boost from the amp. his view was that bass guitar is a very separate entity from double bass and doesn't need to be treated as an acoustic, physical instrument. my next teacher (equal halves bass guitar and double bass) convinced me otherwise. particularly because i was playing fretless, the change in tone brought about by a harder touch was quite pronounced. more mwah, more grit, more substance, my sound carried better at the same volume. i am a 'medium' player and like being able to get louder or softer without touching my controls.
 
Probably too hard when things get cookin' live. I break a handful of strings a year; no real pattern of which string, I've broken all of them without prejudice.
I don’t think I’ve broken a flat wound in a few decades though.
 
My touch on bass is somewhere between a feather and a sledgehammer, in other words somewhere in the middle. This allows me the most versatility in my playing. I can dig in if I need to and back off when I need to, but never so much that I lose control. It's all about dynamics!
 
You can never play too hard as long as you get a good sound, but sound is based on personal opinion. I personaly would say as soon as you get a notable amount of fret buzz or accidently slap the string on the fretboard and you can't play as loud as you want without doing this, reinvestigate your right hand technique. That's just my opinion. If you prefer these sounds then more power to you.
 
I learned to play in a band pretty much from day 1 as a bassist. I originally played guitar, and met my first band-leader in study hall. He told me the day he invited me over to bring my brother's bass instead because they already had two guitar players.

So I bring this gigantic National violin-shape bass. It was not Hofner-sized, folks! It was a 35' scale and felt like a baseball bat in my hands. To project the sound of this behemoth, I had a Memphis 30-watt amp, one of those open-backed suitcase-style amps. So to make the notes heard at all, I had to beat that sucker with emphasis.

It was around this time that someone said "if you're gonna play bass, listen to this" and gave me a tape of Rush. I took that tone as my target to sound like and it's true, Ged does hit pretty hard. So I had motive and opportunity.

Recently I've really started working on subtlety in my technique. I have this exercise where I try to play as softly as I can. I like having lots of overhead in my sound, and I set up my amp/pedals so that I have a thin membrane of distortion. Just below the membrane it sounds saturated and rich but not much fuzz is heard. If I hit a little harder, I break the membrane and I get a nice growl. So I'm using dynamics to manipulate my distorted sound. A trick I heard a lot from Steve Howe as it happens. He has this guitar sound on many Yes live cuts where he uses dynamics to kick the signal up just enough to break up.

There's a lot to explore yet for me, but that is how I see it now.
 
I play pretty hard fingerstyle...so hard that at my last gig a few weeks ago i ripped the low 'A' string out of the string saddle and popped the saddle out of the bridge. That, my friends is too hard, and a mistake on my part.

But when I'm digging in I can keep up with the super-fast technical breakdowns and get a similar punchy attack to that of a pick, without using a pick...something I just don't like due to previous confrontations with controlling guitarists who felt the need to tell me that my bass lines weren't the same as the guitar chords, that i should use my p.o.s. five string instead of my new 6er Warwick, and that I should use a pick...I'm stubborn, so I did none of these things. I was kicked out of that band, but now i'm in a band that wants me to write my own lines, play my 6er, and doesn't give a JT's mullet whether I pick or use fingers...after I explained my reasoning.

All that to say I play really hard when I'm playing fast, but when the sons slow down I chill out and start being more gentle with them, lightly strumming up on the fingerboard around the 21-23 fret area.

And when I'm going fast I'm usually below my bridge pickup, so close to the bridge that sometimes I'll hit it and cut my finger...but It stops any clicking and gives mme that punchy pick-ish tone:)

Do what you will, just don't hurt yourself or your bass...clearly I have some work to do!