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humor me and review my lyrics...

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by bmxerss, Dec 26, 2011.

  1. bmxerss


    Oct 31, 2011
    so i just started a band with some friends, and i wrote some lyrics, not very long, but after i review it with the band, we can work on it. this song has to do with something i struggle with, so i decided to write about it haha. any thing i should change? anyways here it is. super rough version wrote in 30 minutes.

    "This is my war
    This is my battle
    This is my war

    Here we are again, ive apologized for my sin
    We’ve been here before and I’m ashamed
    We cant keep this up, somethings got to give
    I have to stop making this mistake (this mistake)

    All this regret stems from one problem
    come back into my heart (my heart)
    To stop this will be a start (be a start)
    Turn this addiction back to dust

    *breakdown/bass solo*

    How can you see through eyes like mine when you’re the one who’s blind
    How can you see through eyes like mine when you’re the one who’s blind"
  2. bmxerss


    Oct 31, 2011
    i forgot to mention that were are a christan hard rock band.
  3. It is okay but I do not get the chorus. The song sounds as if you are speaking to a higher power in the verse. "How can you see through eyes like mine when you’re the one who’s blind"

    Try: How can you see through eyes like mine/ when yours belong to the Divine
    You are the one the all seeing/ and I just a simple human being

    Use this if you'd like as a sample Just trying to steer you in the right direction you are from I read between the lines asking for help and you need to lower yourself in the chorus you know what I mean?
  4. bmxerss


    Oct 31, 2011
    okay ill try that, thanks
  5. Nev375


    Nov 2, 2010
    It's just as good as anything I hear on pop radio these days.
  6. Plucky The Bassist

    Plucky The Bassist ZOMG! I'm back from the dead!

    Jul 30, 2010
    Houston, TX
    It's REALLY hard to gauge a song's lyrics out of the context of rhythm and what notes you are hitting. If you read a lot of successful songs just by their lyrics, you'd probably think they sound laughable and boring.

    I've got friends in the Christian Rock genre (I happen to be a Demon Hunter fan myself, really good music IMO) and this stuff looks good. All I would be able to gauge this on right now is syllable count and rhyming scheme. It looks like it could use some tightening up, but the core of this seems solid.
  7. Sounds fine, maybe a bit clearer with rhythm/rhyme at a few points

    eg All of my days/ I want to praise = syllables are more obvious, rhyming is like punctuation - it helps listener know when end of phrase is.

    (doesn't mean it has to all Dr Seuss or nursery rhyme, but just a bit at the right time holds it all together for the listener).

    Feel free to put a sound clip up too if you feel comfy to do so.
  8. bmxerss


    Oct 31, 2011
    i would, but my bass is in peices (refinishing it)

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