I Can't Play Piano

[Medicine Man]

My mom is a piano teacher and I cant even play as good as JB. I voted mommy issues.

 

[J_Bass]

I was with you until Nutella. I have no use for anyone who doesn't like to stir Nutella and extra crunchy peanut butter together and dip apple slices into it. Those people are stupid and immoral. In fact, puppies and God hate them too. They are un(enter your country of origin here). They should be banished from the universe. Only I would hate it for whatever universe they wound up in. Nutella is life. All hail NUTELLA!!!! View attachment 4673884

Tell the truth.

The apple slice is just for show, right? Eating it with a spoon (like I do behind the refrigerator door, in the dark, when everyone is asleep) is too outrageous to do during the day.

 

[Altitude]

Humor aside, this is why I aborted my journey as a music major in college (for better or worse). I got there, enrolled in my first semester of classes, and quickly found out that piano skill is an integral thing for all university-trained musicians, whether or not piano is their primary instrument.

I was in piano and composition courses that assumed a baseline degree of piano competency that I did not have. It was immediately clear that I was going to struggle to catch up and would likely score lower than my personal standard in many of these courses, at least in the near term.

Surprisingly, none of my high school music teachers or college counselors warned me about this. Points deducted.

In hindsight I later was presented with, and overcame, other professional challenges at least as great. But at the time, 19 year-old me felt like it would be better to play to my strengths. So I became a business major and graduated on time with a great GPA and a great job.

Thankfully, in 1989 there were few enough jazz bass players in the University of Texas jazz program that I could keep playing in all of the same ensembles as a non-major, meeting and working with all the same people. So it wound up the best of all worlds for me.

 

[J_Bass]

I'm not saying there isn't good jazz music because I clearly haven't listened to enough of it.

I just think there's a direct correlation to jazz being one of the least listened to genres, if not the least listened to genre.
When something sounds "off", peoples natural reaction is I don't like that and I feel like that's what happens.

Did it sound "on" during the 20s until the 50s, when it was the most popular music?

 

[turf3]

I don't think anyone here has summarily dismissed "jazz". We have simply expressed our preference for more melodic/funky/soulful versions. And, so far, nobody has disrespected anyone who performs and/or prefers the more "out there" versions.

Yeah, I'm just saying that the concept of "jazz" in this thread appears to be limited to "lots of improvisation bearing either the most tenuous, or no, relationship to the melody (or, heck, even the chord changes), solos that go on for days, the rhythm disappears for long stretches.."

And what I'm trying to communicate is that out of the 105 years of recorded jazz and the hundreds of thousands of recordings in that storehouse, there is a vast amount of music that is NOT described that way. And THAT is why I keep recommending people to listen to stuff like Basie, Ellington, Waller, Beiderbecke, Cab Calloway, Louis Armstrong and his All-Stars, Jack Teagarden, Red Nichols and his Five Pennies, Django Reinhardt, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc....

But this trope "jazz is just that weird unlistenable stuff that women hate" just keeps on and on like the Energizer bunny.

 

[turf3]

Or if you want someone newer, check out Scott Hamilton.

LIsten to Wynton Marsalis' two concerts from Marciac.

Etc.

 

[truand85]

Why do you not get jazz? Because you're not listening.

I watch a lot of Disney movies with my daughter, I'm sure you've been there. When You Wish Upon A Star, Bare Necessities, etc...

Try any Armstrong song from the 20s or 30s with the word "blues" in it. Not a human on earth can dislike Armstrong on trumpet:

 

[two fingers]

Can I just say that I'm pleasantly surprised at the poll

Tell the truth.

The apple slice is just for show, right? Eating it with a spoon (like I do behind the refrigerator door, in the dark, when everyone is asleep) is too outrageous to do during the day.

Busted. Guilty as charged.

 

[ardgedee]

I weep every day for the cacao beans that gave of themselves in vain to be blended into Nutella, rather than made into something delicious like an extra-dark chocolate bar.

 

[two fingers]

I weep every day for the cacao beans that gave of themselves in vain to be blended into Nutella, rather than made into something delicious like an extra-dark chocolate bar.

I do love me some 95%+ Cocao chocolate as well. In fact, I wonder what it would be like dipping THAT into Nutella!!!!

 

[80jazz]

I was with you until Nutella. I have no use for anyone who doesn't like to stir Nutella and extra crunchy peanut butter together and dip apple slices into it. Those people are stupid and immoral. In fact, puppies and God hate them too. They are un(enter your country of origin here). They should be banished from the universe. Only I would hate it for whatever universe they wound up in. Nutella is life. All hail NUTELLA!!!! View attachment 4673884

I made Nutella fudge once.

I may do it again.

 

[Pings Bass]

I don't know what kind of music you mean by "traditional" and "free-form" jazz (dixieland and Ornette Coleman?), but if you don't like something, there's no need to justify it. You like what you like; that's good enough.

For what it's worth, I'm with Nicholas Payton on the word "jazz." About 90% of the time I hear someone talking about "jazz," I find out they're talking about something other than what I'm thinking of when I hear the word.

 

[two fingers]

Can I just say that the results of the poll thus far give me a small sense of hope that we haven't lost our collective sense of humor here at TalkBass.

 

[mambo4]

Jazz, punk, metal, country
in all genres there is stuff I enjoy and stuff that is musical kale
unappetizing to me but some hipster will insist it's worth consuming
I prefer my kale chopped up and mixed in with something I actually enjoy

 

[two fingers]

Jazz, punk, metal, country
in all genres there is stuff I enjoy and stuff that is musical kale
unappetizing to me but some hipster will insist it's worth consuming
I prefer my kale chopped up and mixed in with something I actually enjoy

"Musical kale".... the most clever phrase I have read here in months.

 

[MVE]

I suggest you do a search for anything Lester Young played on.

Lester Young is my favorite sax player.

He is certainly not "the best" sax player, but his music just feels good.

 

[Philip McAdam]

Jazz is weird...

That is Jazz.

 

[InhumanResource]

My brother called me out of the blue a moment ago to turn me onto something funny. Comedian/voiceover actor H. Jon Benjamin doesn't play piano. BUT..... He made an album of piano songs. He hired serious musicians to play on it. He has done full concerts. I find this hilarious. Why? Well, I've tried to get into "serious" jazz dozens of times. I really like melodic jazz, and fusion, and soulful jazz. But I just can't get into (ironic term alert) "traditional" or free-form jazz. The solos in particular sound like musical gobbledygook to me. They sound like a contest to see who can squeeze in the most wrong notes and awful timing into one solo. Fans eat that stuff up and say things like "That cat is IN THE ZONE, MAN!!!" I don't get it. I respect that they are some of the most educated musicians on the planet. They can dissect a chord like a 7th grade biology teacher can get after a frog. But it just isn't pleasing to my ears. Period.

To add more fuel to my fire, I sold pianos off and on for about a decade. And I..... seriously.... don't play piano. I was great at selling them. Yes, I'm a musician. So I figured out a few things I could play by ear to demonstrate one pretty effectively. We had a young guy who worked in the store who played the crap out of the piano. Sometimes I would call him over to play for a minute while I talked to the customer about the specs of the piano. (I would tip him out if I made the sale, of course. There is a TON of commission... and profit.... in pianos.) I actually did pretty well faking it for those several years. I won sales contests several times (there were 35 store in the company back then....and I beat out about 40 pianos salesmen/women several times).

I've even played a few simple songs on keys live in band situations. I did a pretty respectable job too. But it was simply by memory and ear. And that band liked to goof off and switch instruments several times during a show.

And, to this day, I can't play piano.


Here's footage of a concert of his in Ohio a few years back. Honestly? I would not have been surprised at all if someone had shared this video with me and told me he was one of the hottest jazz players out there. This is about what jazz piano solos sound like to me anyway. Sign me up for Joe Sample. But I can't get my head around the fringe jazz stuff.

Enjoy!
(26) H JON BENJAMIN Performs "I Cant Play Piano" @ EJ THOMAS HALL - YouTube

Here's an article/interview with him on NPR.
(26) H JON BENJAMIN Performs "I Cant Play Piano" @ EJ THOMAS HALL - YouTube


Now, where did I put that flame suit? I wonder if it still fits. I haven't needed it in a while.

Ah. yes. Here it is. Do your worst.
View attachment 4673771

Ok, so first off- that video is hilarious. I love it.

Second…I have spent way more time than I care to admit studying and listening to jazz, playing a little bit, and trying to get into the more avant-garde "free" stuff that "real" musicians and fans fawn over. Personally I think that stuff is action packed with wankery like high end audiophile products and discussions.

It's not for everyone. I do love piano jazz and I'm much more likely to put on a Bill Evans record than just about any bass player, but I certainly understand the genre not resonating with everyone. Having immersed in listening and playing it for a few years has left me with an appreciation for the stuff that I can follow along with but I run out of runway pretty quickly as it gets more and more abstract.

Having said that, if Mr. Benjamin's performance sounds like the real thing to you…it might be worth doing a teensy bit more listening. The more straight ahead stuff definitely has very material harmony and structure to follow, but it's pretty easy to lose that if one don't spend time on it. Then again if it is not enjoyable then it's probably not worth wasting time on in first place.

Either way that video is pretty funny. I had no idea he does this.

 

[JRA]

The solos in particular sound like musical gobbledygook to me. They sound like a contest to see who can squeeze in the most wrong notes and awful timing into one solo.

i think you're onto something --- some jazz really does sound like a cluster *&#$!

when harmonies go "outside" what is expected by the listener = it can take a moment to adjust...if ever, so there's that.

can you find and post a youtube of the kind of jazz that sounds like "gobbledygook" to you? you might be pleasantly surprised to find that some of it is gobbledygook to many/most jazzers, too!

 

[Fuzzbass]

At 7:50 the pianist starts banging away on "off" chords. Why? Is that "in the zone" or something? Again, I'm, not saying it's "wrong". I'm simply saying I don't get it. And I'm not entertained by it.

You don't know jazz, but you know what you don't like.

I'm pretty much in the same boat: don't really know jazz, and only like it some of the time. Where we differ is that I often love the free form avant garde stuff: Ornette, late-period Trane, etc. I like John Zorn (Naked City) when he does his crazy mix of punk, metal, jazz, and everything else. I guess I love the dissonance, but it's definitely not just ANY dissonance.

Perhaps I also love the fact that the avant stuff is a complete mystery to me. With most music I analyze when I listen and often have at least a general idea of the chord structure, but free form is so far outside the box that I won't even bother trying to pick out a 2-5.

I never try to convince anyone else to like it. I don't personally know anyone else who likes it. I just know that I dig it, man.



P.S. I played these (not "free form", just nuts) for my pro guitarist brother. He said "am I allowed to laugh?" and I replied "of course!"