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I just don't know what to do anymore.

I

iri5hpunk21

Feb 1, 2009
82
1
#1
I've been in this band for 2 years now, having previously left because the other members didn't make it a priority and wanted to be with more serious members. We got together to jam one time a couple months later (around dec of 2009) and couldn't believe what we were playing and decided that it was fate that we should get back together as a band. This year we cranked out 3 songs, but the last couple of months things seem to being going back to the way things were.

Our drummer consistently will cancel on practicing with us because he wants to go to a party somewhere and will give us like 2 or 3 days notice. And our keyboardist and guitarist can be up to an hour and a half late to practice sometimes and are never ON TIME, at best being 15 minutes late.

I know it would seem like an obvious thing to just leave the group, but these guys are not only my friends, but I've never found musicians in the area as talented as these guys with such a great sound.

I just get frustrated because when I came back, they promised we'd be more on task and not just let this fall to the wayside like last time. We have studio time paid for, we're just waiting to finish like one more song and we'll get out an EP. It's just frustrating when they say how important it is and then just blow it off last minute. I just feel so crappy because this is the part of my life that I enjoy the most right now, and i feel like it's falling to the wayside. I told them how I felt last night by text, but they always just get pissed off at me and say I have a bad attitude and get super defensive. I just really don't know what to say or do anymore.
 
#2
iri5hpunk21 said:
I've been in this band for 2 years now, having previously left because the other members didn't make it a priority and wanted to be with more serious members. We got together to jam one time a couple months later (around dec of 2009) and couldn't believe what we were playing and decided that it was fate that we should get back together as a band. This year we cranked out 3 songs, but the last couple of months things seem to being going back to the way things were.

Our drummer consistently will cancel on practicing with us because he wants to go to a party somewhere and will give us like 2 or 3 days notice. And our keyboardist and guitarist can be up to an hour and a half late to practice sometimes and are never ON TIME, at best being 15 minutes late.

I know it would seem like an obvious thing to just leave the group, but these guys are not only my friends, but I've never found musicians in the area as talented as these guys with such a great sound.

I just get frustrated because when I came back, they promised we'd be more on task and not just let this fall to the wayside like last time. We have studio time paid for, we're just waiting to finish like one more song and we'll get out an EP. It's just frustrating when they say how important it is and then just blow it off last minute. I just feel so crappy because this is the part of my life that I enjoy the most right now, and i feel like it's falling to the wayside. I told them how I felt last night by text, but they always just get pissed off at me and say I have a bad attitude and get super defensive. I just really don't know what to say or do anymore.
Click to expand...

Move on.
 
#3
Boy - that's an age old dilemma when you're dealing with creative talented people. Hollywood's been dealing with it ever since they created "stars".

Egos are the issue. And talented "right-brain" people usually have 'em - BIG TIME. It's the nature of the beast.

Some of us have them under better control or management than others. Sounds like your group of talent is not dealing with theirs. They may not even recognize the problem.

The key (if there is one) is to find out what motivates each one of them and create a situation that will motivate them.

Some people are money-motivated and others are not (which is why you have some rich talent still acting like a**holes - you see it all the time in rock bands and in Hollywood)

Find out what makes your guys "go out of their way to do something" and try to incorporate those motivators into your activities. Otherwise you'll drive yourself nuts trying to understand why they don't have the same values as you do, and eventually you'll be regarded as the "squeaky wheel" of the group and maybe even get ousted because you're annoying them.

I'm speaking from experience here because I share the same values as you do about practicing and being on time etc.

I feel your pain, man.

:ninja::bassist::ninja:
 
#4
I know the feeling of wanting to quit but not wanting to part with the musicians your with especially when you think of the alternative but I will say 99.9% of the time, you can't change the habits of these guys. I have dealt with people like that too, where you constantly have to keep them on target. I ended up feeling more like a motivational speaker than a bandmate. It's stressful and a waste of time. It's so much better to find people with your level of commitment.
 
#5
So im the same situation your in right now, like exactly the same, and heres my suggestion. Stop setting up anything and just let the band slowly die and long drawn out death. Thats whats happening already, it doesnt sound like they have the same determination that you do so, i mean you cant change them. So i suggest letting it go and start looking for something fun again, cause at the end of the day it IS supposed to be fun.
 
#7
Yeah I hear you guys. I think next practice we're just going to have to have a talk about this and we'll just have to see how they react, if they're willing to compromise or make small changes. I guess I could be less on them about certain things, but at the same time I feel like I let a lot go.
 
#8
I've been in your situation here recently and decided it was best if I moved on.... the band I was in was ONLY interested in staying stuck in a home studio recording and I wanted to get out and play shows.... it got to the point where we were only getting together to practice once every two weeks and NO shows!!!! I talked and talked to them and they insisted that they ONLY wanted to be a studio band putting out three albums a year.... Not My cup of tea by no means.... The drummer was always late and the 1st to leave at every practice.... I just told them that the band wasn't doing it for me and of course they all got pissy and started taking stabs at me for wanting to do more with myself musically.....
I went four months trying to get another band started and it seemed like nothing was working and then when I least expected and was down in the dumps, out of nowhere I found a great drummer (who is always ontime) and two guitarist that didn't know each other before hand but they have some of the best chemistry together and I'm in Heaven now.....

moral of the story: you obviously are not happy with what you guys are doing, tell them the truth and move on, but most importantly be patient in finding another band.....
 
#10
So, you've only written 3 songs in the last year, people cancel practices last minute and can't show up on time to the practices they do come to? And you're wondering if you should quit?

They might be the most fantastic, talented musicians that will ever grace this green earth, but if they can't execute when the time comes it means nothing. All sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Sorry man, but you're stuck in a s***storm. Keep your buddies, but leave the band.
 
#11
I'm in the exact same boat, man. I've given up on talking to 'em, 'cause it doesn't do any good for more than a week.

What I did on Wednesday was, IMO, a pretty clever way to handle things: I sat them down and asked them what their plans for the immediate future were. They made all the usual noises, like hammering out new tunes, refining song structures, making more recordings, writing out songs in score for reference. I 'helped' them along a bit too, suggesting things like practicing regularly and being on time to practice. They agreed that that was the direction the band should go.

At that point, I looked 'em in the eyes and said, "Sounds like plan. Go do it, and get back to me in a month. Goodnight."

Rather than just talk about my issues, I had them outline for themselves what they needed to do to save the band. Then I stepped out, and it's understood by all that I won't return until and unless they can prove that they're buckling down. We're still friends, and I didn't quit the band: I'm just on hiatus until it can be proved to my satisfaction that everyone is taking it as seriously as I do. If it takes ten years, so be it.
 
#12
There are several musicians I have played with over the years, and have two particular situations like you describe where when we play together it is just musical bliss. Since I'm not consistently in a band with them, I don't have all the issues you do.

What I have found over the years is that I still stay in touch with them and occassionally we will get together and either just jam in my mancave or we will do some songwriting or recording. On rare occassion we will book a one off show at a local club to give us some sense of urgency and committment.

My suggestion is to politely punt, letting them know that if they need you at any time to give you notice and confirmed, firm dates.

Since you want to be in a more stable, serious band, just do it. If anyone gets "pissed", then they aren't people you want to be with long term anyway.
 
#13
Assuming that your side of the story is true and objective here, this sounds to me like a group that would not be together as a band anyway if you were not trying to drag them together. It's probably not even necessary to make any big drama about quitting or breaking up, just keep hanging out with them socially, if they're your friends, while you connect with other musicians professionally. Start playing with others who are more serious. It doesn't sound like THIS crew is going to get all pissed at you for playing with someone else when they've been taking it so casually. Not with any justification, anyway. If they say they want to play or jam, fine, go ahead and do it with them. But don't cut your own self off trying to herd cats here.
 
#14
only written 3 songs in a year is a HUGE red flag for me...my band is working on new material for our upcoming full length, and we're writing a song a night. sometimes two.


sounds like you need to be with people who take it more seriously. sometimes good chops/grooves with certain guys isn't always the best ingredient in a good band.
 
#15
Woofer said:
So, you've only written 3 songs in the last year, people cancel practices last minute and can't show up on time to the practices they do come to? And you're wondering if you should quit?

They might be the most fantastic, talented musicians that will ever grace this green earth, but if they can't execute when the time comes it means nothing. All sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Sorry man, but you're stuck in a s***storm. Keep your buddies, but leave the band.
Click to expand...

Yea, this is what I was going to say too. 3 songs in a year is a pretty bad clip for writing, and cancelling practices and not showing up on time is indicative of poor dedication.
 
#16
At the rate of three songs a year (which does not qualify as "cranking" unless you're Pink Floyd) it'll be at least two more years before you have a set's worth of originals. Time to move on and find a situation where there's more of a creative "spark", IMO.
 
#19
Like others have said, I have been here and I wont be there ever again. I was notorious for hanging onto situations way too long when I was younger. And now that Im older I am peeved at myself for wasting all that time. Its not worth it. Stay friendly, tell them you need more and if they want to jam to give you a call.
 
#20
buy a cheap pawn-shop bass and smash it at your next practice session. just act casual at first,... then, right in the middle of a song go wild. then without a word..., just walk out! get into your car, do a few donuts and speed off.
next time you see them act like nothing happened. if they inquire about your behavior, tell 'em how you really feel. be honest and maybe even shed a tear or two.
i'm not sure it will help, but it will make their day.
 

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