I'm in multiple bands. BL's getting testy about it. Advise, please.

[Robroy]

Starting a few months ago…
I am the bass player for a band (Plays 1955-65 pop/rock) that is really a home schooling project for two of the band members, a brother and sister that are 16 and 15 respectively (and the other two are their mom and dad). Dad plays guitar and mom just got a drum kit off CL and is learning drums. We practice every week and have been for about a year. Brother plays piano (classically trained, quite good) and hates the music. Sister plays rhythm guitar and likes the music somewhat. Let’s call them the “family” band.

Then we play a half hour “gig” at a senior center open mic night and they love us. We rent the same venue for a full four hour gig and actually do pretty well.

FF to now: Whenever we do a gig, the owner pulls our BL aside after the first set to find out when he can have us back.

Rewind back again…

I join a typical “classic rock and country” band (let’s call them the “adult” band) and apparently told them they would be the priority and the other band is not that big a deal. Also, we “incentivized” our guitar player to quit a month or so ago, so we’re breaking in a new guitar player. And our drummer had to go back to jail (don’t get me started…) about a month and a half ago, so we had to find a new drummer.

FF back to now: I’m booked with gigs every single Friday and Saturday until November, and I’m booked to play with the family band on New Years. Roughly 2/3 of those gigs are with the family band. The other band is now questioning my commitment to them because someone asked them to play on new years and I told them I’m previously engaged with the other band.

I’ve told both bands, since the family band started gigging, that my commitment was simply “first come, first served” regarding gig commitments. But for some reason, this no longer sits well with the adult BL. I think it may come to a head tonight at practice because in a phone call with the BL last night he kept bringing up the same arguments over and over regardless of my pointing out that I need to be in two dissimilar bands to keep from getting bored with the whole thing. Also, because both bands often play the same clubs, it is not all that uncommon to switch dates to accommodate both bands.

But about tonight: I’ve already come up with a compromise where I allow one band to book up to five nights in any one month before Telling them I need to discuss with the other band what nights they think they will want. But I don’t know where to go with this, really. Both BL’s have commented on this, but the Adult band is the one ramping it up.

And I’ve been a brick wall and have had to assert my position a little stronger than I normally do. I’m a Mr. Spock in my argument style and simply let them know that they do not gig every single weekend night and I’m free to spend those other weekends making whatever plans I want. If they happen to be with another band, that is irrelevant.
I’m wondering if anyone has any idea how to handle this that might be better than the way I’m doing it. Hence this thread.

BTW, I’ve already made a secret pact with myself: The first band to give me an ultimatum to choose which SINGLE band I will play in is the band I will quit on the spot.
Any thoughts in any direction are appreciated.

 

[xgator4u]

Starting a few months ago…
I am the bass player for a band (Plays 1955-65 pop/rock) that is really a home schooling project for two of the band members, a brother and sister that are 16 and 15 respectively (and the other two are their mom and dad). Dad plays guitar and mom just got a drum kit off CL and is learning drums. We practice every week and have been for about a year. Brother plays piano (classically trained, quite good) and hates the music. Sister plays rhythm guitar and likes the music somewhat. Let’s call them the “family” band.
Then we play a half hour “gig” at a senior center open mic night and they love us. We rent the same venue for a full four hour gig and actually do pretty well.
FF to now: Whenever we do a gig, the owner pulls our BL aside after the first set to find out when he can have us back.
Rewind back again…
I join a typical “classic rock and country” band (let’s call them the “adult” band) and apparently told them they would be the priority and the other band is not that big a deal. Also, we “incentivized” our guitar player to quit a month or so ago, so we’re breaking in a new guitar player. And our drummer had to go back to jail (don’t get me started…) about a month and a half ago, so we had to find a new drummer.
FF back to now: I’m booked with gigs every single Friday and Saturday until November, and I’m booked to play with the family band on New Years. Roughly 2/3 of those gigs are with the family band. The other band is now questioning my commitment to them because someone asked them to play on new years and I told them I’m previously engaged with the other band.
I’ve told both bands, since the family band started gigging, that my commitment was simply “first come, first served” regarding gig commitments. But for some reason, this no longer sits well with the adult BL. I think it may come to a head tonight at practice because in a phone call with the BL last night he kept bringing up the same arguments over and over regardless of my pointing out that I need to be in two dissimilar bands to keep from getting bored with the whole thing. Also, because both bands often play the same clubs, it is not all that uncommon to switch dates to accommodate both bands.
But about tonight: I’ve already come up with a compromise where I allow one band to book up to five nights in any one month before Telling them I need to discuss with the other band what nights they think they will want. But I don’t know where to go with this, really. Both BL’s have commented on this, but the Adult band is the one ramping it up. And I’ve been a brick wall and have had to assert my position a little stronger than I normally do. I’m a Mr. Spock in my argument style and simply let them know that they do not gig every single weekend night and I’m free to spend those other weekends making whatever plans I want. If they happen to be with another band, that is irrelevant.
I’m wondering if anyone has any idea how to handle this that might be better than the way I’m doing it. Hence this thread.
BTW, I’ve already made a secret pact with myself: The first band to give me an ultimatum to choose which SINGLE band I will play in is the band I will quit on the spot.
Any thoughts in any direction are appreciated.

Brother I am obviously MISSING something here.

The Partridge Family band is an in home school project for teenagers whom don't even like the music ?
Mom just got and is learning drums.
You RENT the venue?
I guess the owner IS keen on having you back.

The other band has a brand new being broken in guitar player, AND a pretty new drummer, and you I assume on bass.
WHO is this band leader?

NYE is THE $$$$$ night of the year.
I seriously doubt the partridge family band will maximize YOUR income on that one night.
The other band hopefully at least is a PAID gig.

I dunno. Like I said I have GOT to be missing something here.

 

[Robroy]

Yeah, the partridge family band was something I did on a lark a few months after we moved here. After over a year of practicing, we did the “rent the club” gig, but then we started getting requests for paying gigs. And we continued to improve. A lot. Thing is, it’s a lot of fun and the dad and I do a bit of a music related comedy act between some of the songs. Just enough where the crowd loves it, but we don’t get too wordy between songs.

This band can get pretty much all of the mediocre paying gigs they want.
The other band is not as much fun. It is a bar band. It means we put up with the occasional drunk, bar fight, etc. The whole scene is just not quite as “wholesome and good clean fun”. And, truth be told, though the individual members of the partridge family band are not as good as the members of the other band, the band, as a unit, is much more entertaining. But the other band, assuming the membership is solid, has the potential to be much better.

Neither band pays much money. We play mostly in dry counties, and all that that implies.
I was just hoping to get some ideas of what explanation or push back I can give the BL to shut up the whining about me having other commitments that just happen to be another band.

And some here may think I’m definitely in the wrong here. I’d like to hear from them to perhaps broaden my perspective.

Also, if I was in this for the money, I wouldn’t be in this.

 

[DiabolusInMusic]

You could work with the BL and help find a sub, teach him any lines if needed. No need to start a war or burn bridges.

 

[FretNoMore]

Unless there are problems with double booked rehearsals and gigs that mean you can't handle two bands at the same time then I don't see what business anyone has to do with what you do with your time.

If there are double bookings then maybe a sub is a solution.

Wait and see, and if someone has a big problem you just may have to quit one band. Maybe explaining to the complainer that if they can't accept the situation then the consequence is you will have to leave their band, not the other one. Maybe that kind of "take it or leave it" is what it takes to stop the grumbling.

 

[Gravedigger Dav]

You contradict yourself in your post. First, you tell the Adult BL he is the priority and the family band is no big deal. Then you turn around and say first come, first served. If you really are Spockish, you would see the inconsistency. Were I the Adult BL, I would fire you if you did not show for the NYE job.

 

[xgator4u]

Yeah, the partridge family band was something I did on a lark a few months after we moved here. After over a year of practicing, we did the “rent the club” gig, but then we started getting requests for paying gigs. And we continued to improve. A lot. Thing is, it’s a lot of fun and the dad and I do a bit of a music related comedy act between some of the songs. Just enough where the crowd loves it, but we don’t get too wordy between songs.

This band can get pretty much all of the mediocre paying gigs they want.
The other band is not as much fun. It is a bar band. It means we put up with the occasional drunk, bar fight, etc. The whole scene is just not quite as “wholesome and good clean fun”. And, truth be told, though the individual members of the partridge family band are not as good as the members of the other band, the band, as a unit, is much more entertaining. But the other band, assuming the membership is solid, has the potential to be much better.

Neither band pays much money. We play mostly in dry counties, and all that that implies.
I was just hoping to get some ideas of what explanation or push back I can give the BL to shut up the whining about me having other commitments that just happen to be another band.

And some here may think I’m definitely in the wrong here. I’d like to hear from them to perhaps broaden my perspective.

Also, if I was in this for the money, I wouldn’t be in this.

See I knew I was missing something.

This "B.L." thinks pretty highly of himself does he?
When HIS band ain't as much fun as the partridge family band, AND there ain't much $$$ his attitude would be intolerable for ME.
I mean c'mon... A bar band playing "bar gigs" in DRY COUNTIES...
That dude needs to just get over himself.

 

[callofcthulhu]

There is no way you can justify playing with your "for kicks" band on NYE when your "for serious" band has an offer.

 

[lowfreqgeek]

I have a regular band that I'm an integral member of, but I work on a first-book-first-play basis for a minimum fee with other bands. Now I don't charge my regular band that minimum fee, but if someone else wants to book me first and can pay that fee, then I take it. It's pretty much understood all around. If the regular band had something come up last minute and I'm already booked, I've got subs that can take my place in either situation.

But I also tend to stay as many months out on the bookings as I can. I certainly don't turn down work in hopes that my regular band might book something better, but that minimum fee thing helps take care of that. I am sort of moving beyond "bar bands", though. My regular group is playing more concerts, well paid private events, festivals, etc., and fewer bars/breweries/restaurants. Fine by me - I hate bar gigs (thus my higher-than-standard-bar-gig fee)! I'd rather make more playing higher-profile gigs and leave more time for my family, sessions, personal projects, etc. It all works out. I've been busy all summer long and I have some great stuff coming up.

Music is not my dayjob. I don't *need* the money to live on, but I also recognize that my time is worth something and I finally figured out that only those who were serious about their music were making enough to pay me what my time was worth, so it works out well enough in that I'm playing with higher-level musicians on higher-profile gigs, and I'm getting paid well to do it. No more hobby bands playing for beer (which I don't drink...) while the bar gets free entertainment.

That is all to say that if you find it hard to subjectively self-regulate, then using a standard policy in conjunction with a set fee is a fairly objective way to go. I've had to turn down work that didn't meet the policy/fee intersection, but it always works out.

 

[FretNoMore]

There is no way you can justify playing with your "for kicks" band on NYE when your "for serious" band has an offer.

I may have to disagree here; if you have booked a gig already you honor that commitment, to the band and to the venue.

 

[Renaissance]

Is the adult band in it for the money? You say you're not in it for the money so get out of the adult bands way and let them progress with a bass player who can meet their schedule. If 2/3 of your current bookings are with the home school project, you're not doing the working band any favors.

 

[Fat Steve]

Do both NYE gigs pay? Which of the two bands got a better offer? Which would you rather play?

 

[jd-ns]

Choose one band and be 100% committed to it 100% of the time. Then tell any other bands that want you that you are willing to play with them with the stipulation they are not your main band and that you will not sacrifice anything with your main band for them.

 

[tnickk]

Kind of simple. commit yourself to one band, play with the other one when you are available, but be responsible for finding and rehearsing a sub. that's how you keep your gig(s)

 

[Robroy]

See I knew I was missing something.

This "B.L." thinks pretty highly of himself does he?
When HIS band ain't as much fun as the partridge family band, AND there ain't much $$$ his attitude would be intolerable for ME.
I mean c'mon... A bar band playing "bar gigs" in DRY COUNTIES...
That dude needs to just get over himself.

Yeah. He’s a nice enough guy but his attitude left me perplexed until my wife explained it: The band is more important to him than it is to me. I’ve said for a decade that playing in a bar band is the 21st century equivalent of playing on a softball team in the late 1900’s, except it pays for balls and bats and gas to the game.
For him, I think this is his primary outlet outside of work. I get that. I don’t think he sees it from my perspective. I’m waiting for someone to bring up the “You’re gonna have to choose bands, man.” Comment tonight. If they don’t, great. I really enjoy both bands and think I will enjoy this one more and more as time goes on. But if they do, without batting an eye I’ll tell them they need a new bass player.
I will throw this out too: Imagine if all five members of this band were in two bands. We would probably rarely gig together because SOMEONE would be gigging on one of the nights they want to schedule a gig. Then again, if “first come, first served” applies, maybe it just means the band needs to schedule more than three weeks in advance. The early bird gets the worm.

 

[Robroy]

There is no way you can justify playing with your "for kicks" band on NYE when your "for serious" band has an offer.

What changed a couple of months ago is that neither band is a "for kicks" band. But in a way, BOTH are.

Anything not associated with my God, my wife or my career is, by definition, just for kicks. It is why I am playing music. It’s a lot of fun. It’s “for kicks”.

 

[Robroy]

I may have to disagree here; if you have booked a gig already you honor that commitment, to the band and to the venue.

This is critical. I completely agree.

 

[xgator4u]

What changed a couple of months ago is that neither band is a "for kicks" band. But in a way, BOTH are.

Anything not associated with my God, my wife or my career is, by definition, just for kicks. It is why I am playing music. It’s a lot of fun. It’s “for kicks”.

Good for you Rob.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
Keep us posted.

 

[Mvilmany]

BTW, I’ve already made a secret pact with myself: The first band to give me an ultimatum to choose which SINGLE band I will play in is the band I will quit on the spot.

Don't do this. Make the decision yourself. If a bandleader gives an ultimatum like that, then they've made a decision to only work with committed people. Respect that, and decide which situation that you want to move forward with.

If your drummer in adult band, went "back to jail" then you want nothing to do with him. If he's going to remain in that band despite his incarceration, then get the hell out of that band. It'll never go anywhere.
The Family band will not probably turn into your dream band, but it is successful. If you work with successful people in successful situations, the you will almost always be successful. If you work with losers in failing situations, well you get the idea.

Family band is limited but successful. Adult band is fail on multiple accounts.

 

[Slough Feg Bass]

maintain your commitments, but if they give you that ultimatum, be prepared to walk.
one of my BL guys gets mad at me for stuff like that, like when he tries to book a gig and I tell him I can't do it.
I don't give him any reason why I can't do it, I just say that date is not available, please choose another date.
I do, however, keep a running list of blackout dates that I send to folks I work with.
Whenever something gets added, I send out another email with that date added.
It seems to work.
But really, you don't have to tell them that your other band is playing, just say you can't do it and leave it at that.