I love the diversity of viewpoints on these threads, and I’d love to learn about the strategies (or coping mechanisms?) for dealing with difficult band members. Do you ever choose to stay in a band with a member that you just find insufferable?
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Insufferable Band Member(s)
- Thread starter chris1327
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buldog5151bass
Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.
Depends on what they are "insufferable" about. I haven't cared about the "hang" since college. As long as they play their parts show up on time for gigs, and do their share with the load in/out, I don't worry if they are an idiot.
When I experienced the drummer not valuing my view of the world as it is today, I fired him by leaving the band.
'Nuff said.
'Nuff said.
Drama < Enjoyment: stay in the band
Drama > Enjoyment: cut and run, ASAP
Drama > Enjoyment: cut and run, ASAP
...as long as I'm getting enough out of the relationship.
I figure you have exactly one "him or me" card in every band.
If *everybody* thinks a member is in the project to the detriment of the entire enterprise, they either need to persuade that member to quit, or everybody quits and you decide if you want to re-form as a new project.
If the diva is making you money and your self-esteem isn't getting intolerably disrespected, it may be worth putting up with.
But everyone has 'that line' which must not be crossed.
If you have this problem in every project -- maybe it's you that's the diva...
I figure you have exactly one "him or me" card in every band.
If *everybody* thinks a member is in the project to the detriment of the entire enterprise, they either need to persuade that member to quit, or everybody quits and you decide if you want to re-form as a new project.
If the diva is making you money and your self-esteem isn't getting intolerably disrespected, it may be worth putting up with.
But everyone has 'that line' which must not be crossed.
If you have this problem in every project -- maybe it's you that's the diva...
I chose to stay in a band with a wingnut guitarist for quite awhile until the night i was starting to listen to the voices in my head that were telling me to beat him like a rented mule...
it was close but i chose to quit instead,it was a good move.
As much as i miss the original music we made, my mental health comes first. I am a mellow friendly individual until i am not.. and i hate myself when im not.
it was close but i chose to quit instead,it was a good move.
As much as i miss the original music we made, my mental health comes first. I am a mellow friendly individual until i am not.. and i hate myself when im not.
Toxic members in band=me leaving. I won't do it.
Opposites may attract but "likes" (...of a similar mind / disposition) endure. This is true of any relationship.
Riis
Riis
IME: it depends. define "insufferable." and/or give some examples. TIA
Depends on what makes them insufferable. I suspect some folks I've worked on would call me insufferable because I insist on things being done well. I'm not a perfectionist but people who want to be lazy or sloppy seem to think that I am. So a person who has raised the bar to the point where I have to woodshed in order to play with them would not be insufferable to me, but might be to someone else.
Other than that, if if truly is something I can't hang with, life is short, time to cut and run so I don't waste any more of it.
Other than that, if if truly is something I can't hang with, life is short, time to cut and run so I don't waste any more of it.
If they have a quirk or three, but they do all the work at the right time and their discrepancies only affect them? Eh, I'll turn a blind eye. Maybe a rolled blind eye, that being said.
If the situation is detrimental to physical health, mental health or both? Hightail it. You don't have to/deserve to put up with that
If the situation is detrimental to physical health, mental health or both? Hightail it. You don't have to/deserve to put up with that
Almost all of the guys I was in bands with over the years were "insufferable "
To one extent or another.
Some of them started out great and BECAME insufferable over time, while others were horse heads from the get-go.
Even the Beatles, who began as 4 best friends against the world, found each other to be insufferable at the end (see: Get Back).
Some honest introspection made me realize that I was occasionally the insufferable one!
Bands are just people... and people are hard to get along with.
To one extent or another.
Some of them started out great and BECAME insufferable over time, while others were horse heads from the get-go.
Even the Beatles, who began as 4 best friends against the world, found each other to be insufferable at the end (see: Get Back).
Some honest introspection made me realize that I was occasionally the insufferable one!
Bands are just people... and people are hard to get along with.
devnulljp
Supporting Member
No, life is too short. I would look for the next project instead.
Naaa, I've left several for that reason..
Most recently I was in a 90's country band, and both the singer/guitarist and the other guitarist had constant input on how I should play a song. There was no point learning the song at home, cus I'd get a full lecture on how it "was supposed" to be at rehearsal. Even the songs I'd play exactly how they were recorded they wanted to show me. One practice the singer asked to show me on my bass what he meant, and he proceeded to play through a whole song, with the others chiming in. I just stood there looking for 4 minutes.
Later on that same rehearsal the other guitarists also asked to show me on my bass, I didnt take it off but said mhm, and he stood behind me reaching around trying to play it.
The 2nd guitarist even had the stones to tell me I shouldnt listen to how the first guy (Bandleader) wanted it, just play it how I wanted. And then proceed to tell me how he "would have" played it after almost every song.
The whole thing was ridiculous and I said in the group chat same night I was out. Luckily it was only 3 rehearsals until I figured out why they couldnt keep a bass player...
Also made me wary of bands where the guitarist has played bass when there wasnt a bassist. I'm all for constructive input but yikes.
Most recently I was in a 90's country band, and both the singer/guitarist and the other guitarist had constant input on how I should play a song. There was no point learning the song at home, cus I'd get a full lecture on how it "was supposed" to be at rehearsal. Even the songs I'd play exactly how they were recorded they wanted to show me. One practice the singer asked to show me on my bass what he meant, and he proceeded to play through a whole song, with the others chiming in. I just stood there looking for 4 minutes.
Later on that same rehearsal the other guitarists also asked to show me on my bass, I didnt take it off but said mhm, and he stood behind me reaching around trying to play it.
The 2nd guitarist even had the stones to tell me I shouldnt listen to how the first guy (Bandleader) wanted it, just play it how I wanted. And then proceed to tell me how he "would have" played it after almost every song.
The whole thing was ridiculous and I said in the group chat same night I was out. Luckily it was only 3 rehearsals until I figured out why they couldnt keep a bass player...
Also made me wary of bands where the guitarist has played bass when there wasnt a bassist. I'm all for constructive input but yikes.
When it gets to the point of dreading going to rehearsals or gigs because of a band member, it's time to dump the problem child or leave.
It might be a relative term... I would offer a definition of someone who is difficult to be in the same room with, other than when playing music together. As painful as it is to admit, I'm sure during low moments I've occupied this role in the past, and to an extent it seems to come with territory of pursuing a creative endeavor. I guess I've just noticed that my tolerance for abrasive behavior/substance use/delusions of grandeur is waning as time goes on. Maybe it's just part of getting older. Maybe it's me. I'm curious to hear about other's experiences.
I am lucky that I am in two bands with some really great chaps. We seem to be able to talk things out and not get irate. But two of the guys are school chums and we go way back. Not saying that we didn’t have some bumps in the road, but at this point we are older and mellower.
Oh, gosh, I have had a few of those. One guy would over-analyze everything through a theory lens and then tell me the standard turnarounds that were PLAYED ON THE RECORD were wrong because they contained passing tones.
Another guy has been playing the same song wrong for 30 years but wanted to tell me while we were on stage what the "proper" chords are so I don't "mess it up again."
I really have no more time to waste on people like that.
I was in a months-long sit down in a nice supper club in a good band. We had a blind piano player, very good, but over the course of the evening as the 'free drinks for the band' added up, he'd go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.
We all had the usual pity for a blind guy, but after a while, it wore on us enough the gloves came off. We'd been asking him to back off just a little on the Old Crow, but, you all know how well that usually works, and now enough . . . . was enough.
So . . . Tonight was the Night. About three sets in (and three sheets in the wind . . . ) he needed one of us to lead him to the Men's Room . . . . except we steered him to the Ladies Lounge. He emerged forthwith in a big hurry, what with the screams and flying purses.
He comes back to the stage, where we'd strategically applied electric tape to several keys here, and here, and down there, which of course he doesn't see, nor does he realize they're there until he's playing lots of clams he'd never ordinarily play.
The drummer, myself, and he car-pooled. His wife was ALWAYS in his face when he'd come home all tore up. So when we go to drop him off, there was a ditch in front of his house, with a little foot bridge crossing it. We pull up, help him out and get one hand on the railing, and jump back in the car. He always wanted to sneak in so as not to wake her. We'd lined him up to where his hand was on the railing, all right, but it was his right hand . . . on the left rail. He takes two steps, and whoops, he's in the ditch. At the same time we sat on the horn and burned rubber, hung a U-turn, and he's pulling himself out of the mud and here she comes down the front steps giving him up the country.
He slowed waaayyyyy down on his drinks after that, and it was never mentioned again.
I love it when a plan works out.
We all had the usual pity for a blind guy, but after a while, it wore on us enough the gloves came off. We'd been asking him to back off just a little on the Old Crow, but, you all know how well that usually works, and now enough . . . . was enough.
So . . . Tonight was the Night. About three sets in (and three sheets in the wind . . . ) he needed one of us to lead him to the Men's Room . . . . except we steered him to the Ladies Lounge. He emerged forthwith in a big hurry, what with the screams and flying purses.
He comes back to the stage, where we'd strategically applied electric tape to several keys here, and here, and down there, which of course he doesn't see, nor does he realize they're there until he's playing lots of clams he'd never ordinarily play.
The drummer, myself, and he car-pooled. His wife was ALWAYS in his face when he'd come home all tore up. So when we go to drop him off, there was a ditch in front of his house, with a little foot bridge crossing it. We pull up, help him out and get one hand on the railing, and jump back in the car. He always wanted to sneak in so as not to wake her. We'd lined him up to where his hand was on the railing, all right, but it was his right hand . . . on the left rail. He takes two steps, and whoops, he's in the ditch. At the same time we sat on the horn and burned rubber, hung a U-turn, and he's pulling himself out of the mud and here she comes down the front steps giving him up the country.
He slowed waaayyyyy down on his drinks after that, and it was never mentioned again.
I love it when a plan works out.
