Insufferable Band Member(s)

[boombloom]

I play for fun. I play for the connection between the musicians when it's going really well. I play for the groove. If the groove is there I'm just as happy in a living room as I am on stage in front of a thousand people. If it's not there then forget it. Not long ago I was in a good band with someone I really didn't care for. Many people told me to stay away from him. We don't see eye to eye on much and we're not friendly, but I had no problem playing with him. He worked hard. He had good equipment, showed up on time, booked his share of gigs and locked right in when the music started. That's my take. Your mileage may vary.

 

[Tosh]

I was in a band for a number of years, and I had a tough time with one of the members. I stayed with the group because we were working on recording some of my compositions. Meanwhile, I played with another band that was more focused on gigging.

There came a point where progress on the album stalled, and I decided to leave the first band and stay with the second.

A few years later, the album was completed and released by the first band. My parts were included, and the final result came out very close to what I had originally intended. I feel it was worth my time to have stuck with that band, even when it wasn't much fun.

 

[H K]

Oh, gosh, I have had a few of those. One guy would over-analyze everything through a theory lens and then tell me the standard turnarounds that were PLAYED ON THE RECORD were wrong because they contained passing tones.

Another guy has been playing the same song wrong for 30 years but wanted to tell me while we were on stage what the "proper" chords are so I don't "mess it up again."

I really have no more time to waste on people like that.

same

 

[MultiScaleMale]

No way to make a blanket statement on something like this. There are situations where I would bail out, there are situations where they should leave, there are situations where the band really should just fold. But keep it all in perspective, this is supposed to be a fun hobby for most of us that pays next to nothing. When the fun is gone, things need to change.

 

[Fuzzbass]

I love the diversity of viewpoints on these threads, and I’d love to learn about the strategies (or coping mechanisms?) for dealing with difficult band members. Do you ever choose to stay in a band with a member that you just find insufferable?

I'm a big believer in not mixing politics with music (not for cover bands, anyway). Music brings people together, politics drives people apart. I refused to join a band because I knew the BL was a huge blowhard about his politics, and the biggest problem wasn't his political tilt but his disrespect of opposing viewpoints.

Better example: I'd been subbing with a band for a year or so. The guitarist was the most talented member of the band by far... always soft-spoken, and I respected him for his talent. Then we finally had a rehearsal, and during the break he went on a lengthy rant about consipiracy theories. Let's just say that his beliefs were highly Questionable... and that's too polite: he'd fallen down a batpoop-crazy YouTube hole. He was still soft-spoken about it, but just ranted on and on.

Once I got over my astonishment I managed to change the subject. After the next weekend's gig I was ready to turn in my resignation from the band just because of the guitarist, but fortunately he was fired -- for reasons other than his politics, but whatever, it saved me the trouble of quitting.

 

[lbbc]

Depends on what you mean by insufferable. If a jerk (talented or not)...I'm out. Someone who drinks or gets high and interfere with the performance... they're fired! If an egomaniac, I'll talk to them about "fitting in" with the band and the goal of the band. If they don't want to... they're gone. I'm lucky, I've only had to deal with 4 people like mentioned above, in 47+ years of playing.

Life is too short to deal with drama

 

[Michael Milner]

I join a band to play music and enjoy myself (and under the right circumstances, make some dough). If another band member starts telling me what to play (when I already know what to play), what I'm doing wrong (when I know I'm not doing anything wrong), or going off on tangents that has nothing to do with music (like their political agendas), I leave. Immediately (or at least after I get paid). I am not opposed to constructive criticism delivered respectfully and politely, but I have no time for ego-maniacs who just have to show everybody how smart or talented they are. On the other hand, it is difficult not to be in any type of group and not expect conflict. Part of the biz, as they say.

 

[REV]

I have to admit that from time to time I may have been perceived as "insufferable" so I try to have a little more patience with those I perceive to be insufferable. Everyone has their limits and we're all doing the best we can.

 

[Jefenator]

I've learned to be patient. No one is perfect, and if it isn't one flaw it'll be another.
I steer toward the lower end of the drama spectrum, sometimes at the expense of musical intensity.
I am a firm believer in letting some water go under the bridge. But there is a line for toxicity or abusiveness that fellow performers ought not to cross if their wish is to continue working with me.

 

[JRA]

It might be a relative term... I would offer a definition of someone who is difficult to be in the same room with, other than when playing music together. As painful as it is to admit, I'm sure during low moments I've occupied this role in the past, and to an extent it seems to come with territory of pursuing a creative endeavor. I guess I've just noticed that my tolerance for abrasive behavior/substance use/delusions of grandeur is waning as time goes on. Maybe it's just part of getting older. Maybe it's me. I'm curious to hear about other's experiences.

i get your definition, but i wholeheartedly support your remedy! good luck with all things "insufferable!"

 

[Pet Sounds]

@Michael Milner hit the nail on the head. There will be conflict in *any* human relationship. It gets down to whether the pluses outweigh the minuses. I've been tremendously lucky to be with the same band for more than 20 years. We've had our ups and downs, but far more ups.

 

[LBS-bass]

My willingness to be patient is colored by my limited lifespan combined with experience and advancing age. Things I had time to sort out 20 years ago I no longer have time for, so that makes a difference. Waiting to see if things will work out when you only have a few years left to do this and you know how it's gone in the past makes little sense, but if you're younger, patience is probably a virtue!

 

[GreyBeard]

It depends on what they contribute. It is a balancing thing. I can put up with personality clashes but when it comes to reliability, I have a very low tolerance

 

[grimjim]

Depends on the situation. I'm in one band with an old friend. Maybe do some small shows occasionally, but it's mostly for fun. He's a really great guy until around 11:00. I call it magic hour. lol

We're not tea totallers by any stretch of the imagination, but he gets LIT. Forgetting parts, stumbling over cadence and arguing about it. insufferable doesn't begin to describe it.
When he starts getting too bad, I just pack up my stuff and leave.

I should add, this is only at practice. Any shows we've done he's been on his A game. He's a good singer and people that have been to our rehearsal space were amazed it was the same guy.

Everyone has their limits and if it crosses that line, it may be time to look elsewhere.
My dad was a touring musician and he told me once "Every day it's someone else's turn to be the a-hole."

My main concern is the music. I will let a lot of stuff roll off my back if the music is good. You can't spend that much time with a group of people and get along all the time.

 

[funkmaster p]

Convince the band to not take any breaks. This will eliminate 30 to 45 minutes of standing around potentially getting irritated. I am about 50% serious.

 

[Zooberwerx]

Bonus points if the the BL / guitarist is insufferable and married to the lead vocalist. Grad degree if the balance of the band is racist, supremacist, and / or conspiracy theorist. Icing-the-cupcake: drummer sleeps on the cast-off couch in rehearsal space, rides to work (bagger at Harris Teeter) daily on bicycle. None of the aforementioned is fabrication.

Riis

 

[LBS-bass]

Icing-the-cupcake: drummer sleeps on the cast-off couch in rehearsal space

This is no lie. The reason I am in one of the bands I'm in now is because the former bassist wanted to put a couch in the rehearsal space. Everyone has keys... you can see where that would have gone, and so did the bandleader.

It's ok, I would have had that guy's job already if I hadn't turned it down the first time. I guess patience was a virtue for someone in that situation.

 

[jamro217]

A wise man once said: "I'm too old for this ."

 

[Bassquest]

No. If I'm not having fun, I leave. They can't pay me enough to stay.

 

[2112]

I've never had a lot of patience for people who refuse to control their emotions, especially in situations that require a high degree of emotional control.

About 20 years ago, I was involved in a project wher the lead singer/keyboardist had rage control issues. One night at a rehearsal, he got all ragey and kicked a box fan across the space. The band broke up at the precise moment and at the same rate as the fan.

The project after that lasted a few years until the drummer decided it was a good Idea to very loudly tell a large group of customers at the bar we were playing to "eff off" after they made a request. That project didn't last much longer.

Yup... just not willing to put up with it. If I'm in a band with you, you can count me me to act like a pro. It's not asking that much to expect similar from my mates.