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Late Night Desolation

HaMMerHeD

HaMMerHeD

May 20, 2005
4,883
3,665
#1
I feel the need to let some of this chaos spill out before if backs up and messes up the works, so feel free to ignore everything I have to say here.

I have struggled with depression since I was a child. I can remember being 9 or 10 and feeling completely worthless and alone, and wanting to cut my own heart out even while my many siblings were all around me. About a year ago, it was labeled "Major Depressive Disorder", which is also known as chronic depression, clinical depression, and recurrent depressive disorder. On top of that is sprinklied just a slight bit of anxiety, you know...for seasoning.

Anyway...it's always worse at night. I am generally diligent about going to sleep by 10, after which point it feels as though it is accelerating out of control if I stay awake. Sometimes, though, I just can't sleep. Tonight is such a time. I went to bed about 9:45, but just couldn't close my eyes. I started to doze off about 11:30, but then some noise from outside distracted me. It's now about 1:45 my time, and my eyes still refuse to close.

The problem i think, is not that uncommon: my brain will not shut off, slow down, or let me have any peace of any duration. I have been in counseling for a few years, so I am better armed to recognize the effects of depression on my thought process. Recognizing it, unfortunately, does not make me any more able to ignore it. It is a raging cacophony of the most vile self-loathing diatribe you can imagine. It forces me to relive my most painful and shameful moments as evidence that my life is forfeit and that oxygen is wasted on me.

The thing is...it's really hard to disagree with yourself.

I remind myself that I have a child, and that I'm the only parent she has left. She is worth living for, even if nothing else seems to be.

My eyes hurt. Good night TBOT.
 
#3
HaMMerHeD said:
I feel the need to let some of this chaos spill out before if backs up and messes up the works, so feel free to ignore everything I have to say here.

I have struggled with depression since I was a child. I can remember being 9 or 10 and feeling completely worthless and alone, and wanting to cut my own heart out even while my many siblings were all around me. About a year ago, it was labeled "Major Depressive Disorder", which is also known as chronic depression, clinical depression, and recurrent depressive disorder. On top of that is sprinklied just a slight bit of anxiety, you know...for seasoning.

Anyway...it's always worse at night. I am generally diligent about going to sleep by 10, after which point it feels as though it is accelerating out of control if I stay awake. Sometimes, though, I just can't sleep. Tonight is such a time. I went to bed about 9:45, but just couldn't close my eyes. I started to doze off about 11:30, but then some noise from outside distracted me. It's now about 1:45 my time, and my eyes still refuse to close.

The problem i think, is not that uncommon: my brain will not shut off, slow down, or let me have any peace of any duration. I have been in counseling for a few years, so I am better armed to recognize the effects of depression on my thought process. Recognizing it, unfortunately, does not make me any more able to ignore it. It is a raging cacophony of the most vile self-loathing diatribe you can imagine. It forces me to relive my most painful and shameful moments as evidence that my life is forfeit and that oxygen is wasted on me.

The thing is...it's really hard to disagree with yourself.

I remind myself that I have a child, and that I'm the only parent she has left. She is worth living for, even if nothing else seems to be.

My eyes hurt. Good night TBOT.
Click to expand...

I'm closer to 50 than 40 and it's been this way for as long as I can remember. For me, reading, in bed, allows my mind let go of other things and singularly focus on it ( the book ). This allows me to get drowsy enough to pass out. Nothing else works for me.
 
#4
I got what you have. CD and Insomnia I've had the latter for close to 6 months now. If you find a way to beat yours can you tell me how you did it?

I think the only reason I get up (couldn't find a better analogy) anymore since flunking college and getting laid off is my dog. I feel your pain.
 
#8
HaMMerHeD said:
I feel the need to let some of this chaos spill out before if backs up and messes up the works, so feel free to ignore everything I have to say here.

I have struggled with depression since I was a child. I can remember being 9 or 10 and feeling completely worthless and alone, and wanting to cut my own heart out even while my many siblings were all around me. About a year ago, it was labeled "Major Depressive Disorder", which is also known as chronic depression, clinical depression, and recurrent depressive disorder. On top of that is sprinklied just a slight bit of anxiety, you know...for seasoning.

Anyway...it's always worse at night. I am generally diligent about going to sleep by 10, after which point it feels as though it is accelerating out of control if I stay awake. Sometimes, though, I just can't sleep. Tonight is such a time. I went to bed about 9:45, but just couldn't close my eyes. I started to doze off about 11:30, but then some noise from outside distracted me. It's now about 1:45 my time, and my eyes still refuse to close.

The problem i think, is not that uncommon: my brain will not shut off, slow down, or let me have any peace of any duration. I have been in counseling for a few years, so I am better armed to recognize the effects of depression on my thought process. Recognizing it, unfortunately, does not make me any more able to ignore it. It is a raging cacophony of the most vile self-loathing diatribe you can imagine. It forces me to relive my most painful and shameful moments as evidence that my life is forfeit and that oxygen is wasted on me.
Click to expand...

At the risk of being a smart-ace this sounds like the perfect ingredients for a song.

But seriously, depression can be a huge obstacle to overcome, if that is possible.
I have found that if I dwell on certain things I can cause my self to become somewhat depressed, or put myself into a melancholy kind of mood.
Also my brain goes into overdrive while trying to sleep too. I try to find that neutral place where my mind will shut down. When you go to sleep do you find that you start dreaming immediately? I do, and it can be very distracting.
I do not know what got you to this point of depression, but two words of advice may help you.
First, you have to have a positive faith in yourself.
Second, you need to be more ruthless in your attitude towards living. Ruthlessness destroys self pity, try it out.
Also one other thing, try to live in the present. The past is dead, and the future does not exist yet, stay in the now.
Good luck.
 
#9
Sorry to hear your going through that frame, it's something I'm all too familiar with, Bipolar Affective encapsulates both sides of the coin. Over the years I've tried various coping strategies but distraction techniques, such as Funky Ghost mentioned in his post above, reading etc. is a way I tend to try and take the focus away from the 'racing' for a while.

What I try to do to combat it a little is keep a good diet, including fish oil's/cod liver oil etc. and exercise with time spent outdoors walking/biking/hiking. I personally don't take any prescribed meds but have trialled a couple for a while in the past, but found they are not for me.

I wish you well man, if I added the up the amount of time I've spent in that place it accounts for a good few continuous years of my life. There is a poem called 'The Shell' by Molly Drake, Nick Drakes mother, that has always best summed up that frame for me. Take it as easy as you can and all the best, I wish you well.
 
#10
Real depression isn't feeling bad.

Real depression is feeling nothing.

Feeling bad is just a phase chronic depressives go through when they're younger.

Best advice, avoid so-called "antidepressant" drugs at all costs and get lots of physical exercise.
 
#11
Exercise is really great for the human body. I believe it's the reason why so many people are depressed and have anxiety these days; we simply aren't as active as we need to be.

Humans were made to run for extended distances to track/ gather/ stay alive. The way we live today is counter to our nature. So we need to find a way to "quelch the beast inside" and get out and be active! Don't make excuses. You have to force yourself into it. It isn't a matter of losing weight or looking good. It's keeping yourself alive to your fullest potential, strangely more mentally than physically. Good diet also ties into this, naturally.

Also, for me, playing music is what keeps me sane the most. The ability to transmit the depressive emotions into something is just wonderful, enjoyable even. It generally makes me come up with my best material.
 
#12
Funky Ghost said:
I'm closer to 50 than 40 and it's been this way for as long as I can remember. For me, reading, in bed, allows my mind let go of other things and singularly focus on it ( the book ). This allows me to get drowsy enough to pass out. Nothing else works for me.
Click to expand...

+1 Exactly what I have to do to keep the depression and racing mind under control at night and get to sleep.

Be careful of meds - everything I've tried has magnified my depression. Only thing I've found that helps is exercise, and I've found that I have to do something musically almost daily to retain my focus and sanity.

I've also been told to train myself to think positive thought about myself and eventually it will become a habit. Still working on that one.
 
#13
Bongolation said:
Real depression isn't feeling bad.

Real depression is feeling nothing.

Feeling bad is just a phase chronic depressives go through when they're younger.

Best advice, avoid so-called "antidepressant" drugs at all costs and get lots of physical exercise.
Click to expand...

First, depression is not so narrowly defined. There is a lot more to it than the nothingness you describe. Look it up.

Second, that empty shell feeling is what I get during the day. At night, it turns a bit more...hostile.

Third, I've been dealing with it for about 25 years, so I think I know what it is I'm dealign with.

Fourth, I've tried every manner of antidepressant and I've found them lacking. Exercise works, but not as well or as consistently for me as it does for some people.
 
#14
My heart goes out to you. I have battled depression off and on my whole life, but fortunately it's been "off" the past several years.

It can be such a deep hole. You begin to think not just "How will I make it through the next month?" But "How will I get up the energy to eat something for breakfast?"

It can be so debilitating.

The other thing I identify with is insomnia. Had it bad my whole life. Used to be I just could not get to sleep. But lately, in part because my job is so stressful (and I am on call 24/7) I am so exhausted by the end of the day that I don't have as much trouble falling asleep, but I have terrible trouble STAYING asleep. I wake up most nights and have to pee. Doesn't matter if that happens at 1AM or 3AM or 5AM. When it happens, I am done sleeping for the night.

What you said about not being able to turn your brain off or quiet it down...that sounds so familiar. Much sympathy for you. Take care.
 
#15
Skitch it! said:
What I try to do to combat it a little is keep a good diet, including fish oil's/cod liver oil etc. and exercise with time spent outdoors walking/biking/hiking. I personally don't take any prescribed meds but have trialled a couple for a while in the past, but found they are not for me.
Click to expand...

me too,

I tend to take extra sugar and alcohol when I'm feeling good, which leads to me going downhill and I have to get back on track. I'm lead to believe sugar is a major contributor to depression and getting it out of my diet was the hardest thing for me but well worth it.

The fish oils are great, although salmon can disrupt my sleep.
 
#16
Dude life style change or new hobbies

I can get tired at 10pm then get a second wind at 2pm and before i know it 6 to 8am is my new bedtime too.

We are artists, professional night owls for sure...any moment sound or art can uplift us instantly, and all the small stuff can depress us for weeks.

Whatever, mind over matter...thats what the counseling is trying to teach. to know the bad thought process and to stop when it happens....

maybe nobody has the big secret on how to stop thinking about it.
Really i hate it when people say" Just dont think about it"
yah whatever...the human mind for some reason has the function to want to self loath or pity one self. so its hard to snap out of. You have to learn to trick the mind..thats easy to do too.

Seriously, the exercise thing, and eating better food is a good advice. the brain is a chemical reaction and im sure their is millions of ******** symptoms for depression...but really its just a chemical imbalance in the brain of one thing or another.

Most likely you forgot everything you love...because you spend to much time hating yourself....

Remember the things you love and think about them obsessively. dont obsess about hating yourself.....heck everyone hates me...but i dont freakin care ..i love myself man..and nobody else knows how to make me happy...but i sure as hell know what makes me happy.

So i do things for me that are happy
anyhoo.. ive been in a slump for years and my dads death dug it deeper...how did i pull out from it.

I got younger roomates and started to party more and got more exercise and went out more.....and then i got this

[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

Dude buy one and find some good backstreets or drive to some trails...and ride the krap out of it...it is so dang fun im going threw my second childhood with this thing.

Then i bought 2 more so my friends with no money could ride with me...dude nothing but huge smiles.

Plus when you get sick of reading 9 million P bass threads, hop over to the mini bike forums.
 

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