Lead Guitarist Passed Away

[Lesgo]

Hey All,

I've been working on an EP/LP with a 4-piece rock band for about a year. We finally got to the point of booking gigs, and we have three on the calendar for next month.

I get a call Friday that our lead guitar player had a medical event and passed away. Totally unexpected. He was not an old man, and he seemed healthy.

We don't know what to do. We were jamming as a 3 piece before he joined, but when he joined a year ago everything came together and solidified. We still got together for practice yesterday, because my surviving guitarist, drummer, and I have a Beatles cover gig at a fundraiser in a few weeks that we had committed to separately.

The three of us are pretty deep into the mourning process. I want to double down and make the March dates work. My drummer wants to cancel. Our other guitarist wants to keep the dates, but he doesn't want to push anybody into doing anything. We agreed to get back together on Sunday to go over the cover set again and make the call about canceling the "original" gigs.

I haven't been in a regular gigging band in years, and I was ready to get back out there. This was also the best collaborative songwriting environment I've ever been in, and my friend who passed was a big part of it.

I started trolling craigslist for bass sideman gigs, because I feel like I really need to get out there and play. I love this band we put together, and I love the songs we've written. I just don't know what to do about it.

We decided to at least polish up the last demo we did and maybe press it into an EP for posterity/mourning purposes. And because I think it's frickin good.

Has anybody else had a similar experience? I know everyone will deal with this differently, but I am just wondering what others have done. I love this group, I love our work product, I was excited about gigging.

I may just try to join up with another project and give the other guys some time to work through it themselves.

 

[Oddly]

I'd give it at least a few more days before deciding anything at all.
A death hits different people different ways, especially one that's so sudden and unexpected.
It's pretty hard to make rational decisions at a time you're all still grieving.
Even if you do decide to cancel a couple of gigs in the immediate future, there's no reason to abandon the whole project, is there?

 

[Basshappi]

My condolences.
I'm sure it is a difficult time with a great deal of uncertainty but I would imagine that your departed friend would want your band to keep moving forward and keep the music alive and his memory through it.

Good luck to you.

 

[Lesgo]

I'd give it at least a few more days before deciding anything at all.
A death hits different people different ways, especially one that's so sudden and unexpected.
It's pretty hard to make rational decisions at a time you're all still grieving.
Even if you do decide to cancel a couple of gigs in the immediate future, there's no reason to abandon the whole project, is there?

That’s going to be my approach. We’ll all have better perspective with a little time. Thanks.

 

[Lesgo]

My condolences.
I'm sure it is a difficult time with a great deal of uncertainty but I would imagine that your departed friend would want your band to keep moving forward and keep the music alive and his memory through it.

Good luck to you.

Thanks for the kind words. I think he would want us to keep at it, but we are 3 independent minds who are all grieving in our own way. It was really tough to try to get through our songs without him on Sunday.

That said — if I go unexpectedly, I want all my friends to use that as a reason to play more, not less.

 

[Skybone]

My condolences to you & the rest of the band.

IMO, getting the demo pressed up as a memorial to your guitarist is a great idea, and especially if you have a dedication to him in there.

Maybe you should all wait a little while before cancelling any gigs, but at least inform the promoters of the situation, and tell them that you haven't decided whether to play the gig or not (obviously a little early for those decisions).

I'd agree with you, that it's a good reason to go out and play, especially the songs from the demo/EP, but I can understand the reluctance.

 

[buldog5151bass]

You have a relationship and commitment to the others that goes beyond a cover band, and a project in the works. Nothing wrong with looking, but don't pull the trigger until the three of you have had the chance to meet over a pot of coffee or mug of beer and talk.

 

[knumbskull]

sorry you've lost your friend. hope you can remember the good times and enjoy the music you made.

I would just echo what's been said about taking it slow – you won't be making decisions rationally for a little while, even if it feels like it. I would suggest cancelling the March gigs for now – it's a nice idea to do them and keep the band alive, but it will also necessitate rushing to cover his absence, which i don't think would be good.

the songs and the recordings will still be there, and you can continue the band if you want to, of course - but it will just give everyone a bit of time to gather their thoughts and take in the loss.

I'm writing this having gone through something similar.

 

[Lesgo]

I would just echo what's been said about taking it slow – you won't be making decisions rationally for a little while, even if it feels like it.

It's an odd feeling, isn't it. I feel like I'm in full control of my thoughts and able to plan ahead here, but I know I'm not. Thanks for your help.

 

[Lesgo]

Thanks for the well-wishes and advice, everybody. My wife said I haven't been this sad since my dog died. That is a high compliment to my friend.

I'm going to focus on the Beatles gig for now, and not try to make any quick decisions. You-all have been very helpful. Thank you.

 

[two fingers]

Man, that's tough.

Who (other tham you guys as good friends) did he leave behind?

Maybe if he left children of a spouse you cam do a fund raiser for them (if there's a need). Maybe all proceeds from the sale of the demo could go to them. Maybe you could turn the March show(s) into that as well. Seems better than a funeral anyway.

Maybe even whip up a T-shirt. If his name is John maybe "One more time for John" kinda thing.

I'm just spittballing with you.

Hope you guys bounce back soon.

 

[Bassbeater]

I say go the distance and finish the production with the demo material, then send it to a mastering house. You'll have that memory in the best sonic condition and probably value it for a long time.

 

[Lesgo]

Man, that's tough.

Who (other tham you guys as good friends) did he leave behind?

Maybe if he left children of a spouse you cam do a fund raiser for them (if there's a need). Maybe all proceeds from the sale of the demo could go to them. Maybe you could turn the March show(s) into that as well. Seems better than a funeral anyway.

Maybe even whip up a T-shirt. If his name is John maybe "One more time for John" kinda thing.

I'm just spittballing with you.

Hope you guys bounce back soon.

I'm actually good friends/coworkers with his long time girlfriend. She's the one who connected us. She asked us to play the after-party for his memorial service, so we're planning to do something like this. If we keep the March gigs, we'll probably donate the proceeds in his name. But the March gigs are looking less and less likely.

 

[theduke1]

I am very sorry for your loss.
That said
The only comment I have about going forward is
If your band indeed goes forward as a trio you must remember this rule
When you step out on stage and the lights come on you must put a smile on your face and give everything you have because the people that hired you and the ones there to hear you don’t care about what happened in your personal life.
If you can do that I say play the gigs
If you can’t (and that is not a bad thing as we all mourn differently)
The the right thing to do is cancel what was book as a 4 piece.
Again my condolences at the loss of your friend.
Duke

 

[JRA]

sorry to hear about the loss of your friend and compatriot.

Has anybody else had a similar experience?

sure. several times. but i'm at an age where it's likely to happen more and more just as a natural occurrence. i lost my best friend (and world-class jazz drummer) over a decade ago and i'm still grieving some. it was a giant 'body blow' for me. i think about him daily. (we played together for 25 years!)

but i think it's smart to keep on keepin' on --- music as its own reward of course, but also music as therapy.

good luck on the decisions you have to make with your bandmates!

 

[Wesley R]

My condolences.

 

[Son of Wobble]

music as therapy.

 

[Diamond_Dave]

Sorry for your loss.

Led Zeppelin quit; the Who kept going. It just depends on what's right for you.

There is probably no good answer that will make everything okay again because that's not how tragedies work.

Much love.

 

[Engle]

Sorry about your loss.
I would probably play. It’s helped me through some hard times. But do what feels right for you.
Be prepared for emotions to hit you, and if you cry that’s ok. Eat healthy & keep hydrated!

 

[Kmonk]

Sorry for your loss. There are several options. I would try to turn a negative into a positive. Either do the gigs as a three piece, see if you have a friend who can fill in, or find another guitarist. I would make a huge event out of the gigs as a tribute to your late guitarist.

Another option is call one or all of the venues, explain what happened and see if you can work with them to have multiple bands perform on the same night as you to raise money as a benefit to the guitarist's family.

Last resort, cancel the gigs.