Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Nickthebassist, Mar 18, 2005.

  1. I saw this on another bass forum and thought I'd share it with you.

    Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year.

    Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

    I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
    will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

    I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b*stards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

    British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

  2. Mankind


    Oct 20, 2003
    he took it rather well didn't he? us brits write the best letters :)
  3. I hate it when people beat around the bush. I wish this guy would stop pussyfooting around what he's trying to say. It'd probably do him good to just say what he wants to say...

  4. P. Aaron

    P. Aaron Supporting Member

    Bless the adjective. Many more for my future use, thank goodness.
  5. Josh Ryan

    Josh Ryan - that dog won't hunt, Monsignor. Staff Member Supporting Member

    Mar 24, 2001
    I wish I sent that letter to Sprint. :smug: He is a hero to all of us.
  6. nastyn8c


    Feb 7, 2005
    Tampa, FL
    that is brilliantly hilarious!
  7. BassGod


    Jan 21, 2004
  8. HamOnTheCob

    HamOnTheCob Jacob Moore Supporting Member

    Nov 21, 2004
    Cambridge, Ohio, USA
    Endorsing Artist for Warwick Basses, Mesa Engineering, Joyo Technology, Dr. J Pedals, and Levy's Leathers
    Nice articulation of frustration. Bravo. :)

  9. I almost thought he was talking about Verizon for a second. It seems phone companies are the same throughout the Anglosphere.
  10. bassman314

    bassman314 I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process... Gold Supporting Member

    Mar 13, 2005
    Bay Area, CA
    wow.... All I have to say is... wow....

    I almost want to provide bad customer service so I can get such a letter... too bad most of my customers aren't nearly as glib!!!
  11. Bass_Machine


    Oct 29, 2004
    Powertab forums?
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  12. Both myself and my coworker (who lived the first 22 years of his life in England) are still crying from laughing so hard at this. I will have to save this, and refer to it in the future.
  13. keb


    Mar 30, 2004
    I love eloquent, pissed-off Brits. ;)
  14. Bob Lee (QSC)

    Bob Lee (QSC) In case you missed it, I work for QSC Audio! Gold Supporting Member Commercial User

    Jul 3, 2001
    Costa Mesa, Calif.
    Technical Communications Developer, QSC Audio
    Brilliant! I have new inspiration for my upcoming rant letter to GEICO.
  15. Sounds in the same vein as my last letter to Dish network.

    Only MUCH more eloquently stated. :D
  16. jaggedsphere


    Jul 15, 2002
    I gotta get that guy to file my complaints from now on.
  17. kinda reminds me of a skit on skithouse (aussie comedy show)
    "here in australia when we talk, this is what we think we're saying, 'excuse me sir, do you have the time' but this is what they really hear"
    "oi, dlckhead, whats the friggin time"

    bloody hilarious
  18. Toasted


    May 26, 2003
    Leeds, UK
    Yeah... something like that, eh? :hrhr: