***Shortly before a band began to play, they discovered their bass player was missing. After a short search, the guitar player found him in the back alley beating the heck out of some guy . .
Guitar Player: Sam, what are you doing?
Bass Player: This guy de-tuned one of my strings!
Guitar Player: Why are you beating him up?
Bass Player: He won't tell me which one. ***
***Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"
Man #1: I was a doctor.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.
St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.
St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #3: I was a bass player.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen . ***
***Q. How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A. Pay for the pizza. ***
***Q. Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
A. Because no one will look for them. ***
***Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.***
***Q. How do you know when a bass player is at the door trying to get in?
A. He keeps fumbling around trying to find the right key. ***
***Q. Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A. Even a virus has some pride. ***
***Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Never mind. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.***
***Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. ***
***Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but he'll do it too loudly. ***
***Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.***
***Q. How many good bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only one. But good luck trying to find him.***
***Q. Why is there so little solo repertoire for the string bass?
A. Misery loves company.***
***Q. How can you tell if there was a bass player at last week's session?
A. He's still there!***
***Q. What do you call a bass player with a beeper?
A. An optimist.***
***Q. What does a bass player say when he gets to his gig?
A. "Would you like fries with that?"***
***Q. How do you keep a bass player in suspense?
A. ...................................***
***Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bass and doesn't.***
***Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? ***
***A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other. The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other. Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo. Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the
first time in months.
How on earth did you know that would work? they ask.
Simple he says, Everyone always talks during the bass solo.***
***For three years, the young bass player had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, the stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Darling, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well", she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a bass player."***
***A bass player was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The bass player took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." The bass player guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The bass player got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The bass player selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The bass player was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a bass player, aren't you?" The bass player was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."***
***A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, So, what did you learn?
Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string.
Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, this time I learned the first five notes on the A string.
One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks, hey, what happened in today's lesson?
Dad, I'm sorry but I couldn't make it to my lesson. I had a gig!***
***A missionary goes to the most remote part of jungle. As soon as he arrives in the village he is to visit, he hears drums beating wildly in the distance. He asks the Chief what the drums mean. The Chiefs reply is "Drums play, good. Drums stop, bad." During the missionaries entire month long stay he frequently asks the Chief about the continuous drumming. The Chiefs reply is always the same. "Drums play good. Drums stop bad. Finally as the missionary is leaving he asks the Chief again about the drumming. The Chief says "Drums play, g..." "I know, I know" says the missionary. "Drums play, good. Drums stop, bad. But why is it bad when the drums stop?" The Chief shakes his head and says" Drums stop, bass solo. ***
***I recently was told I needed surgery on my hand, and I asked the doctor if after surgery I would be able to play the bass . "I'm operating on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy!" ***
***"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the bass after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." Great! I never could before!" ***
Guitar Player: Sam, what are you doing?
Bass Player: This guy de-tuned one of my strings!
Guitar Player: Why are you beating him up?
Bass Player: He won't tell me which one. ***
***Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"
Man #1: I was a doctor.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.
St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.
St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #3: I was a bass player.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen . ***
***Q. How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A. Pay for the pizza. ***
***Q. Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
A. Because no one will look for them. ***
***Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.***
***Q. How do you know when a bass player is at the door trying to get in?
A. He keeps fumbling around trying to find the right key. ***
***Q. Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A. Even a virus has some pride. ***
***Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Never mind. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.***
***Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. ***
***Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but he'll do it too loudly. ***
***Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.***
***Q. How many good bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only one. But good luck trying to find him.***
***Q. Why is there so little solo repertoire for the string bass?
A. Misery loves company.***
***Q. How can you tell if there was a bass player at last week's session?
A. He's still there!***
***Q. What do you call a bass player with a beeper?
A. An optimist.***
***Q. What does a bass player say when he gets to his gig?
A. "Would you like fries with that?"***
***Q. How do you keep a bass player in suspense?
A. ...................................***
***Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bass and doesn't.***
***Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? ***
***A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other. The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other. Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo. Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the
first time in months.
How on earth did you know that would work? they ask.
Simple he says, Everyone always talks during the bass solo.***
***For three years, the young bass player had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, the stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Darling, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well", she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a bass player."***
***A bass player was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The bass player took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." The bass player guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The bass player got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The bass player selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The bass player was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a bass player, aren't you?" The bass player was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."***
***A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, So, what did you learn?
Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string.
Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, this time I learned the first five notes on the A string.
One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks, hey, what happened in today's lesson?
Dad, I'm sorry but I couldn't make it to my lesson. I had a gig!***
***A missionary goes to the most remote part of jungle. As soon as he arrives in the village he is to visit, he hears drums beating wildly in the distance. He asks the Chief what the drums mean. The Chiefs reply is "Drums play, good. Drums stop, bad." During the missionaries entire month long stay he frequently asks the Chief about the continuous drumming. The Chiefs reply is always the same. "Drums play good. Drums stop bad. Finally as the missionary is leaving he asks the Chief again about the drumming. The Chief says "Drums play, g..." "I know, I know" says the missionary. "Drums play, good. Drums stop, bad. But why is it bad when the drums stop?" The Chief shakes his head and says" Drums stop, bass solo. ***
***I recently was told I needed surgery on my hand, and I asked the doctor if after surgery I would be able to play the bass . "I'm operating on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy!" ***
***"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the bass after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." Great! I never could before!" ***
