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My mother...

#43
antiseptic said:
On her last day, my mother insisted to go take a communion in the church. Assuming her health was getting better (years of kidney failure), we took her there. But she drew her last breath there, in the place she served and loved most, in the arms of my dad. It was on Good Friday.

Had we known, we wouldnt have taken her there and we would have taken her to the hospital to get the best of medical treatment. But would it make her happy to end her journey in hosiptal instead of church?

It's not about us, it's about her.

Prayers for your mother.
Click to expand...

I think God knew exactly what He was doing, when your mother decided to go to church that Good Friday.

My Grandfather (Mom's daddy) died watching the Superbowl. He knew he was fixing to die...so did everyone else. But he was determined to watch his Cowboys play, and so he did. He died with a smile on his face, with his family around him, right after a Dallas touchdown.

Both ways to leave this Earth are better than in a hospital, for sure.

My mother would like nothing more than to die in Texas. But her doctors won't release her to travel, so I will have to send Texas to her. I'm going to take a bunch of pictures this week, of the kids, the hills and the lakes, the woods, birds, flowers...people and things Mom loves or enjoys.

She's back at her house now, but her spirits are very low. I was hoping that being home would help make her feel better, but she sounds worse. My cousin will come over this afternoon and take her out on the porch for some air and sun and birdwatching. She's a weight-training coach, and is the only one who can lift Mom by herself without injury, so she's in charge of Outings.

Cherie
 
#44
Cherie...

As it's been said already. Nothing but good thoughts coming from me. This is a hard time for everyone. While you're dealing with your mom perhaps reflect on and hug your own kids. There's always hope that she'll pull through. What's amazing is how LITTLE we know about the human body. Even when all odds are stacked against them, people pull through. If you're mom's down, then you're positive vibes are gonna have to carry her through. So I'm sending you as many positive thoughts as you can hold so you have a reservoir ready for her. Best wishes Cherie.
 
#45
I spoke with Mom on the phone yesterday. She's home from the hospital, but she does not sound good. She sounds very, very weak, and very, very depressed.

If her mental and emotional outlook do not improve, I don't see a good outcome. She wants to get better, but she wants to die, too. Her will to keep going is wearing very thin. She's frustrated because she cannot be independent anymore, and that is keeping her from doing the things she needs to do to get better.

My aunt, my cousins, and I are trying to convince ClaraFay that she needs to at least let the parish Home Health people do their job.

She won't let the lady that comes twice a week to clean, do her job. She yells at the woman if she tries to do anything besides sweep the porch. So, my aunt, my cousin, and I cleaned her place so she couldnt' yell at anybody. ;) She was mad, but she was happy, later.

She doesn't eat the food that Meals On Wheels brings, and not much of the food my cousins bring. She just will *not* eat more than a few bites. We try and try, but she just won't. She only wants ice cream and other sweets...won't eat any veggies or fruits or healthy things, and this is a woman who has eaten and enjoyed at least one salad every day for her entire adult life.

She won't let the Home Health people that come to look after her hygiene bathe her more than once a week, and she *needs* it more often. Often enough, she doesn't make it to the toilet in time. She can't walk on her own anymore. I spent almost all day, every day I was there, until 9 p.m., in the hospital with her, and it took two of us to help her up and down, back and forth.

She will either have to let those Home Health people do their thing, and let Home Health send someone to sit with her on a daily basis, or go into a nursing home.

My aunt and cousins all have family to take care of and things to do, and Mom is too heavy for anyone but my cousin Phyllis to lift without help. (Phyllis is a weight-training coach at the high school there.) They can't be there with Mom 24/7, and she's going to fall one day and no one will be there. She won't use the emergency-call necklace they got her, either. The one time she used it, she felt like she was really imposing on the EMT's, and they broke her lock on her door, so she won't use the call button now.

Sigh. I think I will be going back there before too long. Hard to tell, but she's got to let people take care of her and do what the doctors tell her to. Being in a nursing home would just kill what is left of her spirit, so we want to prevent that for as long as we can.

Thank you, all of you, for your prayers and good will. Knowing I had my TB brothers and sisters behind my family really did help me stay strong on those long days in the hospital.

My relatives also send their thanks...I told them about y'all.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Cherie
 
#46
MakiSupaStar said:
Cherie...

As it's been said already. Nothing but good thoughts coming from me. This is a hard time for everyone. While you're dealing with your mom perhaps reflect on and hug your own kids. There's always hope that she'll pull through. What's amazing is how LITTLE we know about the human body. Even when all odds are stacked against them, people pull through. If you're mom's down, then you're positive vibes are gonna have to carry her through. So I'm sending you as many positive thoughts as you can hold so you have a reservoir ready for her. Best wishes Cherie.
Click to expand...

I'm so happy to see you back in here!!! :hyper:

Thank you for the lovely reservoir...she's going to need it.

Cherie :)
 
#49
txbasschik said:
I spoke with Mom on the phone yesterday. She's home from the hospital, but she does not sound good. She sounds very, very weak, and very, very depressed.

If her mental and emotional outlook do not improve, I don't see a good outcome. She wants to get better, but she wants to die, too. Her will to keep going is wearing very thin. She's frustrated because she cannot be independent anymore, and that is keeping her from doing the things she needs to do to get better.

My aunt, my cousins, and I are trying to convince ClaraFay that she needs to at least let the parish Home Health people do their job.

She won't let the lady that comes twice a week to clean, do her job. She yells at the woman if she tries to do anything besides sweep the porch. So, my aunt, my cousin, and I cleaned her place so she couldnt' yell at anybody. ;) She was mad, but she was happy, later.

She doesn't eat the food that Meals On Wheels brings, and not much of the food my cousins bring. She just will *not* eat more than a few bites. We try and try, but she just won't. She only wants ice cream and other sweets...won't eat any veggies or fruits or healthy things, and this is a woman who has eaten and enjoyed at least one salad every day for her entire adult life.

She won't let the Home Health people that come to look after her hygiene bathe her more than once a week, and she *needs* it more often. Often enough, she doesn't make it to the toilet in time. She can't walk on her own anymore. I spent almost all day, every day I was there, until 9 p.m., in the hospital with her, and it took two of us to help her up and down, back and forth.

She will either have to let those Home Health people do their thing, and let Home Health send someone to sit with her on a daily basis, or go into a nursing home.

My aunt and cousins all have family to take care of and things to do, and Mom is too heavy for anyone but my cousin Phyllis to lift without help. (Phyllis is a weight-training coach at the high school there.) They can't be there with Mom 24/7, and she's going to fall one day and no one will be there. She won't use the emergency-call necklace they got her, either. The one time she used it, she felt like she was really imposing on the EMT's, and they broke her lock on her door, so she won't use the call button now.

Sigh. I think I will be going back there before too long. Hard to tell, but she's got to let people take care of her and do what the doctors tell her to. Being in a nursing home would just kill what is left of her spirit, so we want to prevent that for as long as we can.

Thank you, all of you, for your prayers and good will. Knowing I had my TB brothers and sisters behind my family really did help me stay strong on those long days in the hospital.

My relatives also send their thanks...I told them about y'all.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Cherie
Click to expand...
Man, Cherie, you're giving me flashbacks here! It really boils down to a couple small, yet crucial items-

1) Independence. She's always been able to do for herself. Now, she can't. That's a HUGE part of someone's self-worth. To demonstrate to yourself or others, try duct-taping your legs together (wear long pants for this), and put mittens on (not gloves). Also, if you can tape one eye shut, that helps with the whole depth perception thing. Now clean your house. :help: Not as easy as you think, and it's almost as sudden for the person who is ill...my mom's hospice worker made me do that to alleviate my frustration with mom. And it wasn't even that I didn't realize how disabled she was getting, because I did realize that...it was because I lacked the perspective of seeing things from her side, and the sense of loss from not being able to manage things that we take for granted.

2) The granting of power to someone who is not "family". Even if that person is a cousin, if there was not an "immediate family" bond, as in living with someone for years, it's tantamount to handing someone you barely know the keys to your house. They don't know where you like to put things, how you like things done, even what foods you like and how you're used to them being prepared. The rejection of food, or the sudden ravenous appetite are both indicators of depression. I tried to get my mom to eat just to keep her strength up- she was nauseous all the time from chemo, so that was an obstacle. But she nearly always felt better after she ate a little something. I gave up on what was "good for her" and replaced it with "things she'd like" all in the name of getting some raw calories in her- regardless of type. If she wanted Butter Pecan ice cream, she got it. If she wanted my green beans with onions and ham, I'd whip up a batch. A steak? No problem. Burger from Wendy's? Sure. Don't feel like a salad? That's fine. Don't have to have one. As long as she was making the decisions on her menu, she'd eat. It's a control thing, I guess.

And the control feeds into the self-worth thing, which feeds into the "not wanting to be a burden to anybody" or "not pulling my own weight", which is perfectly understandable.

My mom went through the same things. My only advice to you, and you already are doing it, is to simply love her. Love ON her a little extra, too. Treat her like a celebrity as much as you can, and try not to let her fall into a self-pity mode. That's all you can do! You're a good daughter, Cherie. You're looking out for her, as well as your family. Your TB friends are here for you whenever you need us!

Eric
 

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