Need a little advice in a crappy setuation.

[Pilgrim]

Do you guys think it's right to talk her out of making up with this guy? So far every time idea of making up with him comes across her mind, she has called me as in "what should i do?". Do you think it's a good thing that every time i talked her out of it? I basically try to make her feel better about herself and let her know she deserves better (I know, it's cheesy).

Ethically, I think you should make every effort to point out the problems in that relationship and do your best to talk her out of ever seeing him again.

On a practical basis, don't be surprised if she disregards your advice. I hope that doesn't happen, but don't be surprised. There is a personality type that gets into these situations and tends to perpetuate and continue them. I don't know her, but there's more than a small chance that she is enabling this. My previous post was based on the assumption that she had that personality type.

Chances are that unless the police get involved and legal action is taken against him, this situation will continue.

 

[kserg]

This sucks.

 

[playinpearls]

what sucks is that usually if a guy hits a girl and then she goes back...it makes it "ok" in his mind cause he knows she aint goin anywhere...."why not" right?

depending on how close she was (friendship wise), i probably would have gone over there...

 

[kserg]

what sucks is that usually if a guy hits a girl and then she goes back...it makes it "ok" in his mind cause he knows she aint goin anywhere...."why not" right?

depending on how close she was (friendship wise), i probably would have gone over there...

Now that they are back, next time this happens, I will go over there. How can people do this kind of crap, i will never know... Both ends, be abusive and except the abuse as "normal".

I am just afraid if it happens next time it would be harder for me to remain logical.

 

[Back'N'Black]

Back'N'Black
He has history of flipping out

Thats who she choose to be with. I cant fault you for your ideals but as you get older you'll see that ideals are one thing and reality another. Good for you for having character and being one of those guys that doesnt just let stuff happen unfortunely this sounds like a lesson in futilety

 

[RWP]

This does suck. Hope things stay cool with your friend but I suspect not. At some point you need to consider removing yourself from the situation or get dragged under.

 

[Jim Campbell]

Now that they are back, next time this happens, I will go over there. How can people do this kind of crap, i will never know... Both ends, be abusive and except the abuse as "normal".

I am just afraid if it happens next time it would be harder for me to remain logical.

you have now been drawn into the game,and no matter how it plays out the results probably will not be good for you.......lots of people go their whole lives playing this one,and it's usually well meaning third parties that pay the price.....pilgrim nailed it......

 

[cassanova]

Now that they are back, next time this happens, I will go over there. How can people do this kind of crap, i will never know... Both ends, be abusive and except the abuse as "normal".

I am just afraid if it happens next time it would be harder for me to remain logical.

This is where you should wash your hands of the situation and if/when it happens again just gracefully bow out and not get involved.

 

[playinpearls]

This is where you should wash your hands of the situation and if/when it happens again just gracefully bow out and not get involved.

i agree with this too, sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they get the common sense to get up...

 

[kserg]

Awesome!

 

[Pilgrim]

Now that they are back, next time this happens, I will go over there. How can people do this kind of crap, i will never know... Both ends, be abusive and except the abuse as "normal".

I recommend that you do NOT do that, but call the police (911) instead. There is no point in becoming an actor in this. Since you have mentioned that you have a tendency to become physical, DO NOT put yourself in a position to get sucked in. Lay a hand on him and he can sue you, even if he's mopping the floor with her.

I know that news sucks, but you have to use the system and not become a party to a lawsuit.

 

[kserg]

I recommend that you do NOT do that, but call the police (911) instead. There is no point in becoming an actor in this. Since you have mentioned that you have a tendency to become physical, DO NOT put yourself in a position to get sucked in. Lay a hand on him and he can sue you, even if he's mopping the floor with her.

I know that news sucks, but you have to use the system and not become a party to a lawsuit.

Good system we have here...

 

[your idol]

stay out of it..tell her the next time use sense and call cops not friends. this isnt your battle and the truth of the matter is if you and this dude butt heads youre probably going to jail for as long as he will for being the "good guy"

not my wife not my problem, it may be heartless but ive been caught up in the shuffle before and its NEVER been favorable to me what so ever. if you mess with MY wife you have now started something youre not walking away from, a friend though?!?! let johnny law handle the domestics.

 

[tZer]

Good system we have here...

The system may suck - may not - but if you circumvent it entirely it never even has a chance to work. You cannot complain about a system that you don't even give a chance to work.

If there's a real threat - which there is - and you contact the police and go on the record reporting what you know and start working with them to try to prevent it from escalating, I am pretty sure there's a lot of things they can do that are better than you going vigilante - no matter how much you feel like you're the only thing that stands between her and certain doom.

You might also consider talking to her family. Maybe they have more influence over her than you and maybe they can talk some sense into her. If anything were to happen to her and they found out you knew what you know and didn't talk to them, consider that for a moment...

Don't let the emotion of the situation make you do stupid things that won't do anything other than make more suck out of an already untenable and sucky situation.

 

[kserg]

You guys really think police will help? How? So they will show up and go "I hear you beating on her" and she will go "No".

From what i understand, her family have no or negative influence on her...

I have enough control not to do anything physical... I'll wait for him to take a swing at me.... (second part is a joke).


At this point i told her if she needs anything, i'll be there for her... I am not going to get physical (as much as i want to hurt him, i have enough control not to just because i know it will hurt her more in a long run) just at any point she needs to talk or cry or whatever I'll be there for her and leave it at that. She didn't listen, - so i guess right now this is the best i can do, just be there for her. I think I might just try to boost her confidence in her every time we talk, anytimes she comes to me for any kinda help, just make her feel better about herself... And hope she gets stronger, strong enough to leave...

Thanks guys, ###### sucks...

 

[tZer]

You guys really think police will help? How? So they will show up and go "I hear you beating on her" and she will go "No".

From what i understand, her family have no or negative influence on her...

I have enough control not to do anything physical... I'll wait for him to take a swing at me.... (second part is a joke).


At this point i told her if she needs anything, i'll be there for her... I am not going to get physical just at any point she needs to talk or cry or whatever I'll be there for her and leave it at that. She didn't listen - so i guess right now this is the best i can do, just be there for her...

Thanks guys

Being there for her is very noble and committing to not do anything foolish or 'heroic' is smart. In my experience, girls who invite you into their drama like that are doing so for MORE than one reason - but the biggest one is that they are starved for attention and will not only keep going back to the dude who is abusive because of it, but will also keep calling you to complain about the negative results of her own actions.

She's an adult and in control of her own life. If she keeps going back it's her choice. If she's being held against her will then the police should be notified about a hostage situation - otherwise, her calling you is nothing more than a symptom of her own psychological maladjustment - a pretense for simply having one other person (man/father-figure) pay any kind of attention to her - good or bad.

Let me guess - she doesn't have a lot of girl friends (not gf's like in the lezzy way, but actual friends who are girls) - am I right?

Don't get me wrong - her situation sucks. But until she takes real action on her own behalf OTHER than calling and crying to you - there's very, very little you can do other than continue to advise her to get out of the situation she keeps putting herself into.

You may even want to try 'tough love' and say that you're tired of being her "crying partner" and unless she dumps the a-hole and really proves that she's interested in fixing her situation, you don't want another call from her. Right now you are her principal enabler and just about as much of the problem as the abusive dude. Until she decides her own safety is as important to her as she seems to be to you, she'll keep on doing exactly what she's doing - going back - getting hit - calling you - going back - getting hit - calling you...

And yes, I do think that the police can help - but only if you contact them. I am not talking about waiting until the next battering event when she decides to call you and clue you in - I am talking about proactively contacting them and asking them what they can do or if they have resources (other organizations, phone numbers, counselors) or suggestions for you. I am rather sure they are just as interested as you are in preventing a serious crime from happening if at all possible.

 

[Jim Campbell]

You guys really think police will help? How? So they will show up and go "I hear you beating on her" and she will go "No".

From what i understand, her family have no or negative influence on her...

I have enough control not to do anything physical... I'll wait for him to take a swing at me.... (second part is a joke).


At this point i told her if she needs anything, i'll be there for her... I am not going to get physical (as much as i want to hurt him, i have enough control not to just because i know it will hurt her more in a long run) just at any point she needs to talk or cry or whatever I'll be there for her and leave it at that. She didn't listen, - so i guess right now this is the best i can do, just be there for her. I think I might just try to boost her confidence in her every time we talk, anytimes she comes to me for any kinda help, just make her feel better about herself... And hope she gets stronger, strong enough to leave...

Thanks guys, ###### sucks...

the last 5 posts contain the best advice you will get,but it seems that you are willing to be a player in all this.....she's not the only one who refuses to listen

 

[kserg]

So when it happens next time, i will try to get her to go to cops about it, if she doesn't, do it myself? Does that sound right?

 

[Ziltoid]

Hire a dude to broke him a leg as a warning.

I'm somehow emotional and tend to over react and get physical, I'd just call the cops next time you hear it's happening, otherwise I'd prolly end up in jail.

 

[Pilgrim]

So when it happens next time, i will try to get her to go to cops about it, if she doesn't, do it myself? Does that sound right?

Yes - except that you call 911 when he gets to her door if you know about the event.

What this lady needs it to get into counseling NOW. That might help her take action.