Hello people. My name is Fat Mike and someone at this publication asked me to write a column. I told them that I'm not a writer. Evidently they didn't care cuz here I am. The time is 1:11 a.m. That's a pretty cool time. I'm not drunk, although I had five beers earlier while watching the old punk movie "Suburbia" at a friend's house. Before the movie we were drinking and talking about the war. It's what San Franciscans do on Tuesday nights.
We were discussing nuclear proliferation and whether or not it's better to have mutually assured destruction with many nations having nukes, or is it better if only the major super powers have them. It was your standard pseudo-intellectual drivel that makes you feel like your college debate class really paid off. Personally, I would feel a lot safer if only a few nations had nukes, but this is not the point. The point is, that we were minding our own business, when this girl sits down (I think she had one too many espresso shots) and starts to give us her opinion on the Middle East crisis.
"You know," she says, "all it takes is one cap full of chemical weapons placed in New York City, and everyone there will be dead. Saddam and Al Qaida are going to attack the U.S. again sooner or later, so we might as well get him out of there now before another attack. I'm against the war, you know, but I would just feel better if Saddam Hussein was not around any longer."
I listened politely. All I could think about was, I hope the expression on my face wasn't too strange, cuz I wasn't quite sure what sort of emotions I was feeling. I think I was smiling. That's weird. Why would I be smiling? I went to this girl's graduation six years ago. This girl was a ****ing college graduate, and she was speaking as if she just got off work at the dairy in Shitown, Iowa. I didn't know where to start. Suddenly, I didn't start. I decided not to start. Then it came to me. It's not her fault.
This is an educated woman living in San Francisco and she's buying the **** we hear on the news like everybody else in this country. It's not her fault. She's trying to oppose the war, but she keeps hearing things on television that kind of make sense to her. Why should she doubt CNN? They're the biggest and most respected news agency in the world. They've got Wolf Blitzer. Why would any normal citizen of this country suspect the media is not telling the whole story?
You don't grow up thinking that.
You watch the news with your grandfather and see Nixon resign from office. You watch the news with your first girlfriend and witness Hinckley shoot Reagan. You watch the news with your dorm roommate and see Neil Bush go to jail for selling hundreds of millions of dollars worth of junk bonds. You think to yourself, it's a good thing the media is out there to report all these evil doers doing their evil deeds. It's a good thing that Woodward and Bernstein (Redford and Hoffman) were there to tell us the truth. It's a good thing. It's a good, good thing.
Now when you see an AOL poll saying that 76 percent of Americans support the war, you'll understand. When you see Michael Moore get booed at the Oscars, you'll understand. When you see a war rally in Concord, you'll understand. It's not that Americans are inherently stupid, it's that they are inherently gullible. Not only that, but it's also very soothing to live in a state of denial. Life is a hell of a lot easier if you believe. Believing in God, believing in democracy, believing in the president, believing in the news, it's all so easy. You really can't blame most Americans for doing it. Lies feel great; it's truth that hurts like a bitch. It's truth that makes your stomach churn. It's truth that keeps you up all night. It's truth that makes you wanna drink that last beer.
Americans don't want the truth and our government is not going to make them listen to it. The owners of this country want the renters to be happy and that's just how it goes. That's why Clear Channel (the corporation that owns over 1200 radio stations and 39 television stations since the Republican Congress deregulated the industry) is organizing war rallies. War rallies are much more pleasant than protests. That's why none of the major network news stations will air the execution of American soldiers in Iraq. It's a bit unsettling.
That's why I was smiling at the girl in the bar. Who am I to ruin her good time? Why should I throw a bunch of truth poop on her new dress? I'll just keep smiling, drink another beer, and go watch my punk rock movie.
Not likely. No, I had to tell her that she didn't know ****. I had to tell her that Saddam and Al Qaida ****ing hate each other, and that Saddam fought Muslim fundamentalists for eight years in Iran. I had to tell her that Osama bin Laden has called Hussein an apostate, somebody who needs to be killed. I had to tell her that although Saddam is a ****ing ******* maniacal murderer, destroying his country while uniting the world against us was definitely not going to make her safer.
I also added that according to Scott Ritter, ex-U.N. weapons inspector, Iraq has no known chemical weapons that are still good. Every factory that could produce those kinds of weapons were shut down by the U.N. in the '90s and all the biological and chemical weapons that Iraq bought from the United States in the '80s have a shelf life of three to five years max. I told her that Iraq is not a real threat to the United States, but this war is a real threat. Oh, and I also said the only reason you say you're against the war is so you wont get kicked out of your thespian friend's ecstasy party. Nice.
Am I ****ing happy now? Now there's one more person who I've turned into a sleepless alcoholic with a tummy ache. Too ****ing bad. Somebody's got to be the bearer of bad news, and I've got a lot of free time on my hands. If the press isn't going to do it, I will. I'll write columns for student papers. I'll tell people to check out indymedia.org. I'll start a Web site called punkvoter.com.
Misery loves company, and I'm aiming on bumming out a few hundred thousand more Americans. That's what being American is all about. Bumming other people out. It's our history. It's our tradition. It's our legacy. So look out people, I've got a stoke extinguisher that's full of facts. Truth hurts and it's coming your way. You might as well accept it now, cuz sooner or later it's gonna find you and it won't be pleasant