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Romantic relationships within the band - constructive?

P

phektus

Sep 17, 2007
171
2
42
Metro Manila Philippines
#1
I think this is something common, but I can't find similar topics right now. For a background, I posted my first audition experience here in TB, which didn't go well as I expected. Moving on, I got my next audition, and I got the spot by jamming on learning three of the band's songs that same day. Right now we practice at least once a week but somehow we don't always get complete attendance.

Now I learned that our rhythm guitarist(male) and vocalist(female) had something going on between them. Lately, guitarist either don't show up or we had to come to his house to fetch him (which is alright since lead guitarist house -our usual meetup place - is near his). The reason cited by the other band members of this behavior is because of his issues with our vocalist, which is a divorcee having two kids.

Now I'm not that into their relationship thing, but in my non-band experience this stuff had always been a lose-lose situation. Work, ministry, etc., always gets to suffer when there's something beyond friendship going on between to members. Now I'm being general here but that's from experience.

We will be having our big milestone next month - performing on a bar where a manager will be attending to evaluate our marketability. I know that's a huge opportunity and I would never want to miss that. I would wish my bandmates (especially our couple) to straight up and decide on their priorities. I'm excited for that event and am practicing with our lead guitarist to learn their compositions.

On the other hand, I don't like romantic stuff going on within the group. I'm thinking of moving on, at least after seeing the results of our next big gig. What do you think? Am I over reacting? Similar experiences? I like them as my group, and especially love their songs. I think they also like me and I fit nice within the group, and I am now in good friends with the lead guitarist.
 
#2
Romance in a band is bad ju-ju, my friend.

Eventually
love0034.gif
turns into
fighting0091.gif
, and the rest of the band ends up as collateral damage.
 
#3
When I was a much younger lad who had just started playing bass, the musicians whom I was hanging out with gave me some advice. All of them were much older than me. They said the following:

1) Your first band will inevitably break up.

2) Lead singers that don't play an instrument are a pain in the ass and will be the death of your band.

3) There is a x2 multiplier if the above lead singer is a female.

4) Don't ever play in a band where two people within the band are dating.

At the time I thought to myself "Whatever, those can't all be true."

At some point in my life I found myself in each and every one of those situations. At the beginning of each of those scenarios, I would think of each of those warnings, kind of like when you hear a voiceover with lots of reverb in the movies. At first, everything seems hunky-dory. "Obviously these warnings were unnecessary - we're doing great!"

Over time, though, every last one of them was right. I hate it when that happens.

If there's no problems now, then there's no reason to jump ship yet. Ride it out and see what happens, as we can only learn from experience. Perhaps you will be in the rare exception to the rule. But when I join bands or look for new opportunities, those 4 rules carry some significant weight in my decision making process.
 
#6
this , ...
mrokern said:
Romance in a band is bad ju-ju, my friend.

Eventually
love0034.gif
turns into
fighting0091.gif
, and the rest of the band ends up as collateral damage.
Click to expand...

and these ...
SuperDuck said:
1) Your first band will inevitably break up.

2) Lead singers that don't play an instrument are a pain in the ass and will be the death of your band.

3) There is a x2 multiplier if the above lead singer is a female.

4) Don't ever play in a band where two people within the band are dating.
Click to expand...
... are words to learn and live by , in the band scene .
 
#7
Well, my wife and I have been playing together for almost 30 years (we've been married for 26 years); there haven't been any major problems. Many years ago, I worked on the road with a top 40 band where the keyboard player and the singer were married - no problems there, either. And at one point, my wife and I were in a travelling band with another married couple - and the drummer's girlfriend travelled with us - again, no problems in about 3 years on the road together.

On the other hand, I was in a band with a drummer and his singer/wife when they broke up - I knew that they were having problems, and one day the guitar player and I went to pick her up to drive to a nearby town and listen to a potential replacement drummer. It turned out that she chose to leave her husband and children that day - by getting into MY car. On the way to the nearby town, she and the guitarist exhibited the signs of an existing relationship, so I told 'em that they should be shopping for a new bass player as well...

So I've seen both sides; sometimes it works great, sometimes it doesn't. But that has nothing to do with couples being in a band - it has everything to do with people being people; I imagine my wife an I would still be married even if we didn't work together, and that drummer and his wife would have been divorced even if they hadn't worked together...
 
#8
SuperDuck said:
When I was a much younger lad who had just started playing bass, the musicians whom I was hanging out with gave me some advice. All of them were much older than me. They said the following:

1) Your first band will inevitably break up.

2) Lead singers that don't play an instrument are a pain in the ass and will be the death of your band.

3) There is a x2 multiplier if the above lead singer is a female.

4) Don't ever play in a band where two people within the band are dating.

At the time I thought to myself "Whatever, those can't all be true."
Click to expand...


Interesting....lol...I am:

1) married to a member of my band

2) she is the lead singer

3) she didn't play anything for a while..but she's started playing acoustic in our stuff

according to this thread (and numerous other people)...we don't stand a chance....

lol..been doing it (the band thing) for the better part of 1 1/2 years (as it's current form)..acutally met my wife taking the gig for her 4 years ago...have been working our tails off and still going strong....we couldn't do and wouldn't be able to get where we're going if we weren't together in this. She's my right hand in this and I'm hers...so..not every situation is "typical" as some would lead you to believe....as for "dating" in the band setting.....no go..wouldn't do it...too much drama..
 
#10
Dave Martin said:
Well, my wife and I have been playing together for almost 30 years (we've been married for 26 years); there haven't been any major problems. Many years ago, I worked on the road with a top 40 band where the keyboard player and the singer were married - no problems there, either. And at one point, my wife and I were in a travelling band with another married couple - and the drummer's girlfriend travelled with us - again, no problems in about 3 years on the road together.

On the other hand, I was in a band with a drummer and his singer/wife when they broke up - I knew that they were having problems, and one day the guitar player and I went to pick her up to drive to a nearby town and listen to a potential replacement drummer. It turned out that she chose to leave her husband and children that day - by getting into MY car. On the way to the nearby town, she and the guitarist exhibited the signs of an existing relationship, so I told 'em that they should be shopping for a new bass player as well...

So I've seen both sides; sometimes it works great, sometimes it doesn't. But that has nothing to do with couples being in a band - it has everything to do with people being people; I imagine my wife an I would still be married even if we didn't work together, and that drummer and his wife would have been divorced even if they hadn't worked together...
Click to expand...

+1

I'm married to the lead singer
We both just signed a major record deal as we both write the music and the lyrics.
Been playing together for the last 10 years, It's just a matter of putting work aside when you get home, or the other way around.
 
#11
Cool info guys. I see there are a 'split decision' here ;-)

To provide more info, I'm already the official bassist for the band, so I'm not prospecting afaik.

Also, the couple I mentioned are dating on and off. To reiterate, the vocalist is divorced with two kids, which is HIGHLY UNUSUAL in my country. That means she is in legal position to date another man, which happened to be our rhythm guitarist. I read replies about married couples. In our situation this is just dating stage, and the woman has 'excess baggage', so to speak. It's not fairly common here in our culture, so heavy drama can be expected. Again, that's a generalization.


Yeah, too much drama, but this is just my first band so I'm not sure what to expect, plus reading here
I see that it's not easy to generalize. I'm not really sold into jumping ship at this point in time. I should say I'm just a little disappointed as I thought I'm joining a band who's there for business in a musical sense. Oh well, who am I to make assumptions... :hiding:
 
#14
relationships between band members are almost always a bad idea. I've seen few cases where it hasn't destroyed a band.

one of two things happen - either the two break-up, which usually means one (or both) quit the band.

or

the two form a sort of "power cabal" within the band and try and take over, or at least try and take significant control.

Either way, it's a bad idea. If I knew that there were two people involved with a band I was trying out for, I wouldn't join them.
 
#15
zachbass02 said:
Interesting....lol...I am:

1) married to a member of my band

2) she is the lead singer

3) she didn't play anything for a while..but she's started playing acoustic in our stuff

according to this thread (and numerous other people)...we don't stand a chance....

lol..been doing it (the band thing) for the better part of 1 1/2 years (as it's current form)..acutally met my wife taking the gig for her 4 years ago...have been working our tails off and still going strong....we couldn't do and wouldn't be able to get where we're going if we weren't together in this. She's my right hand in this and I'm hers...so..not every situation is "typical" as some would lead you to believe....as for "dating" in the band setting.....no go..wouldn't do it...too much drama..
Click to expand...

No, I think what most of us are saying is that USUALLY it's a bad day. I'm sure it does work out fine in some cases.

but exceptions do not disprove the rule. Dating/involvement among band members is bad 99% of the time.
 
#16
It's usually trouble for the future, but there's not much you can do. If things are good now then roll with it, and worry about what they're going to do when they do it.

Provided they're both single then tell them to leave their baggage at the stage door and do the work the band need to do. If they're not pulling their weight in the band THEN complain about THAT. If you start telling them how to run their relationships then they'll just kick you out - no normal person is going to choose a starting out band over a serious relationship (OK - everyone post the times you ditched a hot date for a band...).

Been there a few times - it ended badly, but they were good bands, and had were good while they lasted.

Ian
 
#17
phektus said:
What do you think? Am I over reacting? Similar experiences? I like them as my group, and especially love their songs. I think they also like me and I fit nice within the group, and I am now in good friends with the lead guitarist.
Click to expand...

RUN!

Musicians are unstable as it is. Put two of 'em together in a 'relationship' and in the same band and you are looking at a ticking time-bomb!

Bands are supposed to be safe havens from the stress and hassle of our romantic relationships. We are supposed to be able to have an argument with our significant other, split and go to rehearsal, vent, jam, feel WAY better, then go home and apologize - whether we were wrong or not!

As Pink Floyd said, "Run, run, run, run...."
 
#19
tZer said:
Bands are supposed to be safe havens from the stress and hassle of our romantic relationships. We are supposed to be able to have an argument with our significant other, split and go to rehearsal, vent, jam, feel WAY better, then go home and apologize - whether we were wrong or not!
Click to expand...

Apparently I've been missing out - I always though that bands were supposed to go out and play music. :)
 
#20
SuperDuck said:
1) Your first band will inevitably break up.

2) Lead singers that don't play an instrument are a pain in the ass and will be the death of your band.

3) There is a x2 multiplier if the above lead singer is a female.

4) Don't ever play in a band where two people within the band are dating.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the advice. haha.
 

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