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that awkward moment when

hernameisrio

hernameisrio

Guest
Sep 27, 2011
1,202
250
Berkeley, CA
#1
...you're looking for a new gig because you've decided one of the current bands you're in does not suit your style/schedule....and you've told the drummer because you're on friend-ish terms with her...but you haven't told the rest of the band yet....and then you come across their ad searching for a bassist.

I was like, "Oh."

This is the first time this has happened to me! I'm going to email the band and make it "official" regardless, but it was kinda weird to see this. I'm not disappointed, as this project did not pan out into what I expected, I don't feel I fit their style, the time demand was just way too much (bad commute, spending money and not making money, you know the drill) and I'm happier to cut it loose.

Just figured you guys could maybe relate!
 
#2
hernameisrio said:
...you're looking for a new gig because you've decided one of the current bands you're in does not suit your style/schedule....and you've told the drummer because you're on friend-ish terms with her...but you haven't told the rest of the band yet....and then you come across their ad searching for a bassist.

I was like, "Oh."

This is the first time this has happened to me! I'm going to email the band and make it "official" regardless, but it was kinda weird to see this. I'm not disappointed, as this project did not pan out into what I expected, I don't feel I fit their style, the time demand was just way too much (bad commute, spending money and not making money, you know the drill) and I'm happier to cut it loose.

Just figured you guys could maybe relate!
Click to expand...

Don't settle next time around and key in on those "red flags"

blue
 
#3
I would NEVER tip my hand to another band member if I was thinking of splitting. I would wait until I had my new gig locked-down and then tell the whole band at once. Now unfortunately your (soon to be ex-) band has the leverage and can position it to others as you were "fired".

Shame on your drummer friend for not holding it in confidence but she should not have been given the info in the first place.

I am completely up-front with band members when I have sub jobs or one-offs or other side things on my plate and if they have issues with that we deal with it. But quitting is an entirely different thing and has to be handled differently.
 
#4
I don't find it weird at all. You are doing what you think is best for you, and the drummer did what she thought was best for the band. Which is to find a replacement as soon as possible. I wouldn't sweat it.

But you should have told everyone at the same time.
 
#5
Well, I didn't really tell her I was quitting, not officially. She asked where my head was at, as I was still somewhat on a trial basis with them. And I was honest because right now in my life, I can't NOT be. I got way too much going on to waste time, and I'm definitely not doing THEM any favors by hanging around in a project that needs someone who is more interested and who can maybe handle their demands better. So it was sort of a candid conversation. I said I'd write the whole band an email by the weekend, so I don't feel like I'm being tactless or inconsiderate and I don't feel like she's being a snitch, because things in this band were pretty democratic.
 
#6
If the drummer was your wife/girlfriend, then I suppose telling her in private and in advance would have made sense. Otherwise would probably have been best kept to yourself until you could tell the whole band at once and had maximum leverage with regard to a new band.

But you've learned, and it's done, so good luck moving on and to the extent you can keep on good terms with them, you never know when you might wind up working with at least some of them again.
 
#7
"Hey guys,

I hope this reaches everybody in the band...I spoke with Heather a bit last night and she was asking me where my head is with the band and what my schedule is like, if I can commit to you guys.

I had a blast playing the gig with you a couple of weeks ago but honestly right now, I feel like I'm spread too thin as it is and I would hate for your project to suffer because of that. I also feel like stylistically, I don't really fit with what you're looking for. Because I have so much going on in my life right now, I don't think it would be fair for me to stay with you when it seems like you guys want somebody who fits the genre better and who is perhaps not involved with other projects (which I am).

So anyway, obviously we can stay Facebook friends and keep in touch! I wish I knew of someone who I could send your way, but off the top of my head I can't really come up with anyone. At any rate, good luck with everything and thanks again for having me on board!"

Good? Send?
 
#8
It's fine as an e-mail goes but I believe these types of things are usually best handled face to face. It doesn't sound like you've been with these people long enough to have developed deep relationships so maybe e-mail's OK here. If you had been with them a couple of years then face to face would be the only acceptable method IMO.

It's good to offer to help them find a replacement but be careful how far you commit yourself in that regard and don't promise it unless you actually plan to make a good faith effort.
 
#9
I generally agree, but I am really crunched this week because I'm taking my Apple software certification test on Friday and when I'm not at work, I'm either going over songs for a gig I already committed to BEFORE the test on Friday evening (argh! haha), or I'm studying. I feel like everyone in the band is comfortable enough with me as a person that they won't be offended that I can't meet with them to talk this out. We all live pretty far apart from each other and the logistics just don't pan out in this case. I'm technically in Queens but I'm on the very edge of Brooklyn, the drummer lives further south in Brooklyn, the guitarist and lead singer live further out in Queens, and we all have clashing schedules. If I'd been playing with these guys for longer and felt like there was a more solid bond, I'd be more inclined to suggest meeting up, but under the circumstances, I think an email is okay.
 
#11
They don't.

I dunno, dude. The face to face thing is just not feasible, I'm sorry. I'm of a generation where I think we take less offense to an email. I find written responses to be more honest and effective than conversations anyway. It's just how I am. I guess I'll add that I would've preferred to meet up, but that our schedules simply don't allow.
 
#13
I don't know. I think in this case it'll be okay to just send the email. I just don't think they're the types of people who would find it impersonal. I'm just gonna go ahead and send it...I have another thread to post about another much more promising [prospective] gig, anyway! Think I burned enough gray matter on this.
 
#14
As far as relating... I can, sort of.

I've never seen an ad go up for my replacement before I officially quit a band, but I did see one at a local music store about a month afterward for the last band I left. It's always interesting seeing what your former band wants in your replacement cause that gives you a pretty good idea where they felt you fell short (if they never told you). In my case they specified an age range that was considerably younger than my own. No real reason for me to take offense to that (since I quit vs. being fired)... but I did find it interesting.
 
#18
jlane72t said:
I agree an email is fine. You're not even really "in the band"...attempting to gather the other members with busy schedules when you're all in different neighborhoods, just to tell them you are choosing to not join them...would be wasting everyone's time.
Click to expand...

I'm an old school face to face guy, but in these situations, an e-mail is just fine unless there's also a friendship involved.

I'd hate to schedule and gather everyone for practice just for one person to say they quit. I'd hate to play phone tag, stop in the middle of what I'm doing, or make arrangements to meet someone just so they could tell me they quit. People leave bands all the time, it's no big deal. Just send me an e-mail, that I can read at my leisure and put my energy into finding a replacement rather than dealing with a member who wants to leave.
 

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