To Lean In, Or Walk Away?

[PennyroyalWe]

For the past 5 years or so I’ve been in a band where I’m the singer/ songwriter & rhythm guitarist, and de facto BL as well. We’ve mostly been an originals band, with some scattered covers mixed in. We have primary played showcase type shows at local bar venues.

We have recently played our first few shows since covid, and it was kind of a reminder about all the things that suck about playing these shows:
Having to do all the promo and leg work, loading all the gear in at 7:30 to not play until 11:00, there being little to no crowd, and get literally $0 at the end of the night. Last time we got somewhat chewed out by the venue for not bringing enough people through the door.

In light of this, we’ve been shifting direction to learn more covers and change to playing 2-3 hour bar shows. Ones where we know beforehand what we’ll be getting paid. We’ve had a long list of cover songs that we all mostly know from picking them up over the years of playing, so it’s mostly just ironing out the parts and getting them tight.

Issue is, I’m just not feeling the motivation anymore. The band feels like more of a chore that takes up my time and house (we practice at my place) one evening a week, rather than something I look forward to like I used to. I’m at the point where I am seriously considering not booking anymore gigs (I am the only one who does any of the booking hustle) and pulling the plug on the band after we play the gigs we have committed to.

I feel bad because my band mates have put in time and effort into the band, and they seem to really enjoy the hang and music, and seem excited about adding some pay to that equation. I just feel like if I continue with it, it would be solely for their sake, because I’m pretty burnt out.

I miss just being the bassist in a band.

Anyone been in a similar situation? What would you recommend? Should I wait and the motivation will return? Should I lean in to the challenge, or break up now before this feeling turns even more negative? Is there a good way to dissolve a band that doesn’t burn bridges?

 

[AGCurry]

Dissolving a band shouldn't burn any bridges; it's all in the "game." Just tell the other members what you've told us. If any hate you for that honesty, it's their problem... and you may just find an alternate solution.

 

[Hurricane Jimmie]

So Anyway, sounds like you need some time off.

I stayed in a couple of bands longer than I should have. I regretted not getting out when I should have.... the 'motivation' didn't come back. It got worse.

Like AGCurry said, talk to your bandmates and let them know what your issue are. Good Luck with your decision.

 

[JRA]

Just tell the other members what you've told us.

I miss just being the bassist in a band.

any possibility that "restructuring" the way the current band operates might give you that opportunity?

 

[Joe Nerve]

Yes. I've been in that situation. Sort of. But I learned a lesson that applies...

The Nerve did original music, some mine, some the guitarists, most were collaborations. After 9 years I got tired of the work involved, and ditched the band for greener pastures.

I have yet to get that kind of relationship with other musicians again, and I miss it greatly at times. If you have people who are willing to play YOUR music, and do it happily, please take that into strong consideration. That doesn't come easily unless you can afford to pay people.

What I would do is look for an established cover band, and continue doing the originals. If it takes throwing in covers to keep the other guys happy, I'd do that, too. Its not tough to juggle 2 bands. I've juggled as many as 5, along with a full time job and relationship. It just takes good communication, some planning skills, and a little common sense.

 

[buldog5151bass]

If it's not working for you, it isn't. Especially since it sounds like you are doing most of the work, you have every right to move on if you wish. You aren't their keeper.

If I were in your shoes, I would get together over a beer or pot of coffee. Lay the cards on the table. See if there is anything worth saving.

 

[LBS-bass]

Do you want to play music, but just not bear all the administrative burden that you've been tackling? If so, you might be happier to join an existing band as a bassist. But it's important (IMO) to keep in mind that there's a wide variety of quality out there when you're dealing with local and regional bands, and the hassles involved in kissing a bunch of frogs to find your prince can be just as grueling as just putting together your own band and running it.

I do a little of both. Cover band issues are predictable things like people not learning the songs correctly but insisting they are right, people forgetting the arrangement/song forms, people not learning on their own time and relying on rehearsal time to learn, people not being able to play as well as you wish they would, people playing too loudly or the opposite, people who play without any confidence or authority, people who bring in needless drama, schedules not lining up for anyone to rehearse as needed, players being flakey or drunk or doing/saying embarrassing things to the wrong people, bandleaders wanting too much of your time to rehearse when you already know your stuff, people who say they can sing who cannot really hit a pitch with any finesse and cannot hear a harmony, etc.

These issues present themselves whether you are a bandleader or a hired gun. You can control for them to some extent if you are choosing the players, but your ability to do so is limited by the depth of your local talent pool. Even the best band I am in has players who are guaranteed to mess up the song form at some point.

So, depending on the skill level of the guys you already play with, the devil you know may in fact be a better bet than the one you don't know. If you think you can do well playing covers with this bunch and avoid most, if not all of these issues, you'll possibly be better off to stick with them unless you are well and truly just done with trying to do music.

And what I have found every time I've tried to be done with music is that music has never been done with me, so think about how much you might miss it in a year or two before you make the decision to part with your bandmates.

That's all I've got. Good luck with what you decide. I've been there.

 

[Gustopher]

Doesn't sounds like you want to keep it going and you have many good reasons not to. I'd have quit before now if I were you, so good on you for sticking it out as long as you have. Be happy man, you only live once.

 

[jeffbrown]

I'll chime in to agree that a sitdown with your bandmates is definitely warranted, describing your dilemma and feelings.

Seriously - sounds like you're doing all the work! You can put it to them that as of whenever, if THEY wish to continue, you will need to delegate tasks. Then, if they don't follow through, it would be time to bid them goodby.

 

[Wasnex]

For the past 5 years or so I’ve been in a band where I’m the singer/ songwriter & rhythm guitarist, and de facto BL as well. We’ve mostly been an originals band, with some scattered covers mixed in. We have primary played showcase type shows at local bar venues.

We have recently played our first few shows since covid, and it was kind of a reminder about all the things that suck about playing these shows:
Having to do all the promo and leg work, loading all the gear in at 7:30 to not play until 11:00, there being little to no crowd, and get literally $0 at the end of the night. Last time we got somewhat chewed out by the venue for not bringing enough people through the door.

In light of this, we’ve been shifting direction to learn more covers and change to playing 2-3 hour bar shows. Ones where we know beforehand what we’ll be getting paid. We’ve had a long list of cover songs that we all mostly know from picking them up over the years of playing, so it’s mostly just ironing out the parts and getting them tight.

Issue is, I’m just not feeling the motivation anymore. The band feels like more of a chore that takes up my time and house (we practice at my place) one evening a week, rather than something I look forward to like I used to. I’m at the point where I am seriously considering not booking anymore gigs (I am the only one who does any of the booking hustle) and pulling the plug on the band after we play the gigs we have committed to.

I feel bad because my band mates have put in time and effort into the band, and they seem to really enjoy the hang and music, and seem excited about adding some pay to that equation. I just feel like if I continue with it, it would be solely for their sake, because I’m pretty burnt out.

I miss just being the bassist in a band.

Anyone been in a similar situation? What would you recommend? Should I wait and the motivation will return? Should I lean in to the challenge, or break up now before this feeling turns even more negative? Is there a good way to dissolve a band that doesn’t burn bridges?

Entirely normal. I really enjoyed being a pro bass player for a very long time, but eventually I burned out. My solution was to become an audio tech. This got me out of rehearsals and greatly reduced how much interpersonal drama I had to deal with.


Whether changing from BL to just bass will provide motivation/satisfaction depends on you. You may find that it's great, but I suspect it will be even worse unless you find a band that really gives you what you need to feel good. Also keep in mind, as a bass player you frequently don't have much control and others tend to be a bit dismissive of your opinion.

Motivation is a tricky subject. I suggest engaging in some significant introspection to try and understand what will make you happy. Then be honest with yourself in regards to what being just a bass player will be like. Usually reality is nowhere near as cool as the fantasy. Hopefully you have enough experience that you can take off the "rose colored glasses."

 

[coy garcia]

It's a tough situation when the mind goes from "I get to do this" to "I have to do this". I'm sure all semi-pro's in this buss have been there. Hope it works out for you either way.

 

[DirtDog]

I’d ask yourself if being in a band is a priority for you now. Lots of comments about greener pastures…but if you don’t want to be a farmer the greenest pasture in the world won’t help you….

I hit just that wall about four years ago. I like playing music with others but made a conscious decision to not be in a constantly gigging band. I prefer the creative process to the performance side of things these days.

 

[Michael Stanley 2112]

I'm in a situation where we play mostly covers, but sprinkle in some originals.

Just a thought.

 

[MCS4]

I miss just being the bassist in a band.

Should I lean in to the challenge, or break up now before this feeling turns even more negative?

I'm not sure there is really a "challenge" here, but really more of a question of whether there is a different path for this current band that excites you or not. Just ask yourself this: Would you like to keep playing in this band if someone else took over bandleader duties and you could just be the bassist? If so, then let the others know that and see if any of them want to take on that challenge.

Otherwise, it sounds like your task is more to think about what might motivate you based upon your current experiences, which might include (1) an originals band that plays a different type of music, either for a change or pace musically or in the hope that it might be more successful; (2) an originals band that spends more time on songwriting and recording and less on playing live gigs, if you are jaded on the local original gig scene; (3) a cover band that doesn't require you to be the bandleader, or possibly plays a different style or gigs at other types of venues or events; or something different entirely.

 

[teleharmonium]

Because of the recent post covid transition back to the stage being a factor, I would suggest giving it more time before making that call. It is a tough time and we all have to accept that we don't get to pick up where we left off.

If still no improvement after a couple more shows, I would ditch, and suggest they go on with someone else.

 

[MLC_BassPlayer]

You guys have been together five years. Do you still need to rehearse every week?

FWIW, I've been in the same band for the past nine or ten years. We haven't rehearsed in ages. Band leader sends out a new song during the week. Everyone learns their parts and we run through it at sound check. If it works it goes into the show that night.

Being in a band is a huge commitment on its own. Time away is a good thing. I love my band mates but I sure as hell don't need to see them all the time.

 

[gln1955]

Five years with a band that is still excited to play music together isn't something to throw away lightly. A different role in a different band will have its own frustrations. What if you explain your feelings to them and propose a hiatus of 3 months or so for you to do something different or do nothing at all. After that time, either the fire will have returned or not. If one or more of your bandmates move on to something else during the at time, so be it.

 

[Bunk McNulty]

If you have people who are willing to play YOUR music, and do it happily, please take that into strong consideration. That doesn't come easily unless you can afford to pay people.

There it is. I wanted a band that would play song I'd written and covers I liked. In the immortal words of Little Richard, "He got what he wanted but he lost what he had." For a year and a half we gigged. Usually in front of maybe 10 people, and usually for less than $10. For the whole band. We recorded an EP. Sales started slow and then kinda tapered off. I finally told them I was embarrassed by being unable to find decent work (then, as now, I have basically zero marketing skills) and told them to go with god. At the time, I was also playing with a pretty popular R&B band. I gave the BL a copy of the EP; he picked a song he liked, and I got to play it in front of actual large audiences, and even went home with money in my pocket. Then I left town and caught on with the crew I play with now, working more, and for better pay, than ever before. So, you know, happy ending. Also huge amount of luck, of course.

 

[Lava]

Similar situation here. Pre-Covid I was the quasi BL, booker, and basic big toe (Stripes movie reference) and was hating life as we gigged a lot. During Covid we decided to take a long break and regroup when things got back to normal. Fast forward to very recently, I decided to let everyone know that I was done unless I could just be "the bass player" and surprisingly the drummer stepped up to do the big toe tasks and I must say it has been much more enjoyable and I'm looking forward to gigging again as dates are being booked.

 

[6-3-2]

I'd also agree that a sit-down is necessary. You shouldn't be lifting all the weight for your band. It might be that they, mistakenly, think you're fine doing it all, but that clearly is taking some of the joy out of it for you. I don't know all the personalities involved, but I find it's best to be direct and honest, without being antagonistic. Usually we think others get it when we're frustrated or annoyed, but fairly often they do need things spelled out to really know how we're feeling. It's just part of being human.

It also sounds like a good moment to really reflect on what gets (got) you excited about being a musician. Sometimes when it becomes a slog or we get in an unhealthy relationship to playing, we can forget why we got into music in the first place. So maybe you write what you love about music, or talk to an old mentor or a loved one to really define what your love for music is about. I think with that in mind you can decide what a sustainable and joyous relationship to playing and making music is for you. I always come back to how energizing it feels to be in a free-flowing creative space with my instrument. When I lost that I always put my bass down in frustration. I got it back during covid and now I play basically every day, and always feel good when I'm done playing. That's how it should be.