Was I Wrong? (personal problem w/ parents and music)

[Joedog]

When I was about 13 I asked the parents if I could have a guitar. They said absolutely, as soon as I had enough money to buy it. I delivered papers, washed dishes, mowed grass, washed/waxed cars, and shoveled snow. The concept of working to get what you want is probably the best lesson I ever learned (even if I didn't especially like it at the time). It will serve you well later in life.

 

[Mechanical]

Get a job, then you can buy what you want.

It is unbelievable to me that teenagers forget that their parents have clothed, fed, bathed, kept a roof over their head, and wiped their asses for the past 13+ years.

 

[red_rhino]

1) You can fix the buzzing tuner yourself.
2) Squier sucks just as much as SX.
3) Lesson learned: gear is an investment, choose wisely or not at all.
4) Yeah, your mom was off base to attack you, but your retort was just as off base, so just kiss and make up, one of you could wake up dead tomorrow.

^^^^This. Absolutely this.

You can ignore about 75% of the other replies regarding what your priorities in life should be, or "When I was your age" crap. (That's some real condescending stuff there, folks.)

FWIW, I think it was a gutsy move to forge ahead and buy the SX yourself, for better or for worse. No point in second guessing yourself or your parents. The bass is truly yours on a deeper level. Love it, fix it, care for it, abuse it, whatever. It will become part of your musical character.

-Alan

 

[HolmeBass]

I bet all your bass needs, OP, is a set-up tweak to fix the buzzing. Don't blame your parents for not getting you a better bass! Besides, "better" is a matter of opinion between the two basses you mentioned, and neither will perform well without a good set-up.

So kind of a learning moment for you and your mom, once you tell her that a $60 set-up fixed your bass. You could play that bass for decades, nothing wrong with it at all.

 

[DwaynieAD]

I have never witnessed more reading comprehension fails in one place.

 

[ShoeManiac]

^^^^This. Absolutely this.

You can ignore about 75% of the other replies regarding what your priorities in life should be, or "When I was your age" crap. (That's some real condescending stuff there, folks.)

To you, perhaps. Perspective is a very valuable thing.

Having been in similar circumstances to the OP, I can relate to his own situation. I would save my own money for gear, but then have to forego doing a lot of other things because I had spent EVERYTHING to get the bass I wanted. And I had few financial responsibilities to speak of. But that's over 20 years ago. Now, I'm in a different place in life where I can relate to his parents. That perspective is a valuable thing.

As a teenager, all you care about is getting the gear. The other financial considerations don't factor in at all. Especially if you're talking about getting gear with what is essentially someone else's money.

As a parent? Perhaps the family finances are tighter than the OP knows. Lots of parents shield their kids from their own financial worries. Kids shouldn't have to be stressed like that. And the difference between getting their kid an SX bass and a Squier may mean a tradeoff that the whole family has to deal with. Perhaps the extra money spent on that Squier means that the family can't go out to dinner or the movies for the next month.

There's a lot of subtext to this situation. The parents clearly don't understand what music means to the OP. And it seems very likely that the OP isn't intimately aware of his parent's personal finances. Bridging that knowledge gap and coming to a greater level of understanding seems like the greater lesson for all involved.

 

[electracoyote]

But overall, it really boils down to trying to do whatever you know to do to be sure that you're not staring back at a 40 year old son or daughter who spent so long chasing a dream that they were never going to attain, only to realize they have no idea how to survive in the world for the rest of their life.

I know a lot of musicians. I know a lot of musicians who didn't get as far as they wanted. Only a tiny fraction regret it and the life they chose. The vast majority say they have led a happy life and wouldn't have done it any other way.

Young people know they have to support themselves. They know a good job is part of the deal. They have this message pounded into them from their earliest memories.

What young people don't hear enough is, pursue your dream. There are people out there who are pursuing their passion and are very happy doing so, and there are people out there playing it safe and they're miserable. Indeed, from my observation, this is most usually the case.

And young people also don't hear the message enough that it is possible to pursue your dream AND something a bit more secure, at the same time.

I say, pursue your dream until it becomes unfulfilling and no longer brings you happiness. Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground (i.e. take care of business) and your eyes to the sky.

Amazing as it seems, some of these people actually get to the pinnacle of their profession. It has to happen to someone, right? Who am I to tell a young person, "Sorry kid, it ain't gonna be you..."?

And again, there is much happiness in even lesser things than the pinnacle. I didn't get a platinum record on the wall like I wanted, I'm not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but I am, by all other definitions, a success in my chosen career.

And I've enjoyed much happiness along the way.

 

[mcnach]

I'm still in High School, so most of what I buy I have to rely on my parents to support me. I don't have a job currently, with band and not having a Driver's License. My parents don't like talking about music, and consider it a waste of time. I have no clue why they've taken this mentality, but they seem to think that it's too expensive and it's not gonna help me later in life (I want to become a musician, if not as a full time job, then as a part-time hobby).

The latest discussion came about in me having to buy an SX 5-string Jazz Bass on my own because my parents took too long (needed it by December 2nd, they were gonna get me it for Christmas even though I told them about it in October). One of the tuners is buzzing, and my mom was flipping out ("What did you do? Why did you break it" etc, etc.) I told her that if they'd helped me buy a better bass, then this wouldn't be happening. That's when she flipped out, big time, and started blaming it on me, saying that I was too picky (I wanted a Squier VM 5 string) and saying "I don't want to talk about this right now."

The only thing I'm wondering about - was I right or wrong in saying that we could have afforded a better bass? We're by no means poor, but musical instruments are a bit price-y for a good one.

Your SX is fine, and a lot of the complaints about cheaper instruments are really simple setup and maintenance issues.
I know that having not much cash of your own sucks, I remember it well, but your parents do not "owe you" a better bass.
It's nice if they help you but I don't think you should complain to them if they don't.

My parents also saw music as non important, almost a distraction from my studies etc. I bought a very very bad guitar, I mean, have you seen the crap you had to buy in the early 80s if you looked at the budget end?
I did not let that stop me.
Eventually they figured that I really really had a serious interest, and they bought me my first multitrack recorder machine, which was my dream and had no means to buy anytime soon (by then I had already managed to buy a cheap but good guitar, and had learnt to set it up etc)

So... Blaming your parents, I don't think that's cool, but I understand your frustration and where you're at.
However, try not to mistake want with need.

Now, go get that bass sorted and play the Hell out of it.

I own a few noncheap basses. But in one of my bands I play a lovely Jazz copy by some obscure make, that cost me £119 new, including delivery.
It's probably on a par with your SX, quality wise.
I love getting great results with cheap instruments.

 

[teleharmonium]

There's a lot of subtext to this situation. The parents clearly don't understand what music means to the OP. And it seems very likely that the OP isn't intimately aware of his parent's personal finances. Bridging that knowledge gap and coming to a greater level of understanding seems like the greater lesson for all involved.

I don't see how anyone can know what music means to another person. That goes for us and the OP as well as his parents. He may feel 100% certain today that he's going to be a professional musician in the future, and that may completely change in a year.

It is entirely possible that the parents have a more realistic perspective on this. It's normal for kids pick up and then change interests. I'm not judging, this is a part of growing up middle class in America and trying to figure out what you should be doing, but if the OP has the dusty unloved remnants of several other previous hobbies filling his bedroom closet and the garage, that is a factor.

 

[callofcthulhu]

I don't see how anyone can know what music means to another person. That goes for us and the OP as well as his parents. He may feel 100% certain today that he's going to be a professional musician in the future, and that may completely change in a year.

It is entirely possible that the parents have a more realistic perspective on this. It's normal for kids pick up and then change interests. I'm not judging, this is a part of growing up middle class in America and trying to figure out what you should be doing, but if the OP has the dusty unloved remnants of several other previous hobbies filling his bedroom closet and the garage, that is a factor.

You say realistic, I say killjoy.

Regardless, re-read the OP, he's nothing but "realistic" about his aspirations.

Jeeze. ITT: old farts reading their lives into someone else's story and jumping to conclusions.

 

[BayStateBass]

You say realistic, I say killjoy.

Regardless, re-read the OP, he's nothing but "realistic" about his aspirations.

Jeeze. ITT: old farts reading their lives into someone else's story and jumping to conclusions.

All of us "old farts" felt exactly like you do at one time or another in our younger days. It wasn't until we got older that we realized that all of those "old farts reading their lives into someone else's story" were really just people we knew and wanted to help, or who cared enough to try to save us the embarrassment or struggle of learning things the hard way, like they did. Because when they were young they didn't listen, either.

And I'm willing to bet you will be one of those old farts one day, too, rambling on about "when I was young....." and jumping to your own conclusions as well.

 

[Session1969]

I'm still in High School, so most of what I buy I have to rely on my parents to support me. I don't have a job currently, with band and not having a Driver's License. My parents don't like talking about music, and consider it a waste of time. I have no clue why they've taken this mentality, but they seem to think that it's too expensive and it's not gonna help me later in life (I want to become a musician, if not as a full time job, then as a part-time hobby).

The latest discussion came about in me having to buy an SX 5-string Jazz Bass on my own because my parents took too long (needed it by December 2nd, they were gonna get me it for Christmas even though I told them about it in October). One of the tuners is buzzing, and my mom was flipping out ("What did you do? Why did you break it" etc, etc.) I told her that if they'd helped me buy a better bass, then this wouldn't be happening. That's when she flipped out, big time, and started blaming it on me, saying that I was too picky (I wanted a Squier VM 5 string) and saying "I don't want to talk about this right now."

The only thing I'm wondering about - was I right or wrong in saying that we could have afforded a better bass? We're by no means poor, but musical instruments are a bit price-y for a good one.

Yes, you were wrong because you think a better bass is a solution for a faulty tuner. Apologize to your mom and go mow some lawns to buy a new tuner. You have a 4 and five string bass that are waaay better quality then when I was your age.

 

[callofcthulhu]

All of us "old farts" felt exactly like you do at one time or another in our younger days. It wasn't until we got older that we realized that all of those "old farts reading their lives into someone else's story" were really just people we knew and wanted to help, or who cared enough to try to save us the embarrassment or struggle of learning things the hard way, like they did. Because when they were young they didn't listen, either.

And I'm willing to bet you will be one of those old farts one day, too, rambling on about "when I was young....." and jumping to your own conclusions as well.

How exactly do I feel?

I'm simply pointing out that the thread has derailed into whether or not/how to foster your childrens' dreams when the OP clearly stated:

I want to become a musician, if not as a full time job, then as a part-time hobby.

He doesn't need anyone wringing their hands about whether or not he's preparing himself for the real world because he already has a realistic expectation.

 

[Meyatch]

I don't think anyone's telling this kid to give up on music, just to not be a jerk to his mom.

I think that's pretty reasonable advice.

 

[teleharmonium]

Jeeze. ITT: old farts reading their lives into someone else's story and jumping to conclusions.

This sounds like you creatively read a version of my post that didn't contain the words "may" and "possible".

 

[BayStateBass]

How exactly do I feel?

I'm simply pointing out that the thread has derailed into whether or not/how to foster your childrens' dreams when the OP clearly stated:



He doesn't need anyone wringing their hands about whether or not he's preparing himself for the real world because he already has a realistic expectation.

His question was never about whether or not he could make a living doing music. His original question was "was I wrong", leaning heavily on getting input from others about whether his reaction and thought processes were right, justified, or reasonable. It would be a natural assumption, after answering a question like that, to follow it up with why; in other words, the reasons behind your opinion. In dealing with children and teenagers, that's how most conversations go. You answer their question. They ask why. You answer that. Then they ask you to justify your reasoning. Sometimes they accept it, sometimes they don't. Part of the underlying issue here is the OP being upset that his parents do not (in his opinion) support his music, and their harsh reactions involving his demands with regards to his chosen hobby (like the guilt trip he pulled about them not helping him get a better bass). So, again, it would be natural to explain some of the possibilities as to why this could be a source of frustration for them, hence the discussion about parenting and support of your child's dreams, etc.. because it all ties together.

As far as how you feel, well, honestly I don't know you. But based on your post I think most people would find the wording to be fairly contemptuous in nature. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

[yodedude2]

I don't think anyone's telling this kid to give up on music, just to not be a jerk to his mom.

I think that's pretty reasonable advice.

OP, there is no 'wrong' or 'right' here, simply a disagreement over values. you could have chosen not to be confrontational. by being accusatory, you escalated the disagreement and raised the probability of negative consequences for yourself. it's hard to take the high road in a disagreement with those that have authority over you, but sometimes it's smarter. good luck with a positive resolution.

 

[electracoyote]

I see the two things (OP's music ambitions, and this specific discussion about the bass he purchased) as inextricably tied together. I interpreted the OP as saying most discussions with his parents about music are tense and prone to deteriorate, for whatever reason.

Again, here's why:

My parents don't like talking about music, and consider it a waste of time. I have no clue why they've taken this mentality, but they seem to think that it's too expensive and it's not gonna help me later in life (I want to become a musician, if not as a full time job, then as a part-time hobby).

Being raised in a household where musical ambitions were not encouraged and treated with a slight air of contempt, I know the language, and the feeling, all too well.

 

[bass geetarist]

OP you were definitely out of line to place blame on your mom for not buying you a better bass, but I'd say it's forgiveable at your age. Ultimately, it's likely that a good portion of your parents' income goes towards supporting you, so even if they make a comfortable living, they likely have a budget plan and spending the money for the squier just wasn't in it prior to christmas. They were willing to get it for you for christmas, and that is one heck of a nice present.

Of course I have no way to know if they really couldn't afford it until christmas or if they held out because they just didn't think your need was important enough. Either way, it's unfortunate that they're not keen on you becoming a musician. Whether end up a pro or just doing it for fun, it's a very fulfilling and mind opening thing to do.

Is your playing part of your school activities, or does it all happen outside of school? If you're not already, participating in school music activities or classes may help you get your parents on board (as long as you do well and take it seriously). This helped me get some support from my mom when I was in high school (though it was a lost cause with my dad). If nothing you do will get them onboard, then that is truly unfortunate and you have my sympathy, but at least they haven't outright demanded that you stop playing, so just keep playing because it's what you enjoy and recognize that you can't please everyone all the time.

As for the rattling tuner, you may very well have had similar issues with the squier you wanted. It's a fairly common issue, especially on less expensive basses. If you can't get it sorted right away, try wrapping an elastic band snugly around the stem of the tuner (below the paddle). I have had to do this with two basses and believe or not it really did work, although it was kinda ugly.

Just focus on the positive, and don't bother with placing blame in situations where it really doesn't do any good (most situations). Good luck!

 

[red_rhino]

^^^^This. Absolutely this.

You can ignore about 75% of the other replies regarding what your priorities in life should be, or "When I was your age" crap. (That's some real condescending stuff there, folks.)

To you, perhaps. Perspective is a very valuable thing.

Having been in similar circumstances to the OP, I can relate to his own situation. I would save my own money for gear, but then have to forego doing a lot of other things because I had spent EVERYTHING to get the bass I wanted. And I had few financial responsibilities to speak of. But that's over 20 years ago. Now, I'm in a different place in life where I can relate to his parents. That perspective is a valuable thing.

Valuable indeed. Many of us here have been teenagers, have raised teenagers, (and sometimes still act like teenagers ). I stipulate to your, and everyone else's, bonafides. My point was that a lot of the replies to the OP were overly harsh (my perspective), and not very constructive. callofcthulhu's reply was spot on and framed the issues in (what I felt was) it's proper perspective.

In some respects, this thread reminds of me a friend who grew up in a family of doctors; every time a family member was sick or injured, 10 very highly-trained people would stop by to advise and argue over the correct treatment.

-Alan