What Do You Lot Think?

[Steph Dawe]

I know it's a dumb question, asking what a bunch of bassists think, but here goes anyway.

I have a friend, who used to be my teacher, but now I've finished high school so he's not any more. He's an awesome guy, and I'm so glad that I've been able to keep in contact with him not only as a student but as a friend, 'cos this year has been hard, and we all need someone to lean on when times are tough, right?

Anyway, I was over-thinking one night and came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, I may have fallen in love with this guy [uh oh]. Why do I say that?

I can't wait to see him.
I love spending time with him.
I feel a lot happier with him.
I miss him when he's not around.
I worry about him when bad stuff happens to him.
I get excited when good stuff happens to him.
He's the only one I'm comfortable with when talking about uncomfortable stuff.

Bear in mind that I'd never act on it - he's married and older and is only a friend, and I couldn't see him any other way. I was just wondering.

'Cos everything in that list is pretty much what I'm looking for in a partner. I just thought it was weird, or strange, or even interesting.

And I mean it all in a hypothetical sense. It being real would make things really awkward.

But it made me wonder.




What do you reckon?

 

[Oysterman]

I have feelings like that for some of my best friends, and also my older brother. I love all of them, of course, but I'm not in love with any of them... there's a difference. So perhaps you've just found a great friend that makes you happy, and nothing more. One could at least hope so... less pain that way.

 

[chips]

what he said

 

[popinfresh]

^123.

 

[Dan1099]

I think you love him, but you aren't IN love with him. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a wonderful thing. It's nice to have someone that makes you happy like that.

 

[cheezewiz]

RUN! (Unless the guy is a 41 year old cop from Ohio).

Seroiusly, your feelings are going to cause you nothing but turmoil and trouble. Take a break from the friendship, and maybe it can be a real friendship later, without all the other feelings that will mess it up.

 

[McHack]

Sounds like a classic case of a mentor/student friendship, which turned into a best friend thing...

Loving someone is not the same as being "IN LOVE" with someone. IME, physical attraction is a requirement to being "IN LOVE"... So, unless you want to see him nekkid, I dont think you're in love with him.

 

[MikeyFingers]

I think it's just being really good friends. I mean, what you're saying is totally possible. But from my perspective, I've had feelings like that for lots of people and I always just considered them my best friends.

 

[Floating teetH]

if you think of him as a friend, you cannot really be sexually attracted to him (women don't think that way). you can love a friend, but that's another thing.

 

[Floating teetH]

(women don't think that way)

granted there are exceptions to this well documented trend in human behavior, but there are also women who have penises.

 

[AaronS]

Steph, you seem to have your head screwed on straight in most of your posts so I'll be honest with you instead of cautious. There are several people I am in love with other than my wife. Out of respect for myself, my wife and those people, I don't treat them as anything more than good friends. All of them are people who I would seriously consider marrying if the situation were different. That doesn't mean I love my wife any less, just that these are people are extremely significant in my life.

If you are considering starting an affair with this person, reconsider it. The situation would be a major loser for both of you. If you are wondering about the amazingly complex possibilities of adult emotions as you enter adulthood, yes it happens to others and it appears to be happening with you right now.

 

[dancehallclasher]

if you think of him as a friend, you cannot really be sexually attracted to him (women don't think that way).

Oh come on.

 

[MJ5150]

When I was single, I had the same feelings for a married woman I worked with. I would get so frustrated that I finally found this woman I could love, but she is already married. I told myself that I was going to stay single until her husband died, and then I would marry her.

Three years after I got married, her husband did die. I can't explain how frustrated I was at that time.

-Mike

 

[Vorago]

Sounds like you could get seriously hurt in this situation, plus your friendship wouldn't be the same thing again. A double loss, so to say.

 

[Figjam]

ever read Oedipus Rex?

 

[Marcus]

I know it's a dumb question, asking what a bunch of bassists think, but here goes anyway.

I have a friend, who used to be my teacher, but now I've finished high school so he's not any more. He's an awesome guy, and I'm so glad that I've been able to keep in contact with him not only as a student but as a friend, 'cos this year has been hard, and we all need someone to lean on when times are tough, right?

Anyway, I was over-thinking one night and came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, I may have fallen in love with this guy [uh oh]. Why do I say that?

I can't wait to see him.
I love spending time with him.
I feel a lot happier with him.
I miss him when he's not around.
I worry about him when bad stuff happens to him.
I get excited when good stuff happens to him.
He's the only one I'm comfortable with when talking about uncomfortable stuff.

Bear in mind that I'd never act on it - he's married and older and is only a friend, and I couldn't see him any other way. I was just wondering.

'Cos everything in that list is pretty much what I'm looking for in a partner. I just thought it was weird, or strange, or even interesting.

And I mean it all in a hypothetical sense. It being real would make things really awkward.

But it made me wonder.




What do you reckon?

You understand your emotional capacity much better than anyone else ever would.

Also... what's with the reference to Oedipus Rex? Did you just read it or something? There is absolutely no implication of anything oedipal in what was mentioned above.

 

[bassmonkeee]

ever read Oedipus Rex?

Teacher, not Dad.

 

[kjones]

I reckon that the kind of ideas you've had about him are the same kind that all of us have had from time to time. And we rarely have them when we're in an excellent relationship of our own that is fulfilling our emotional needs.

There's no problems with being good friends with a member of the opposite sex. When you begin to over-think it, and talk to people on boards about a FRIENDSHIP because it's giving you questions or concern, then, for the sake of his marriage, you should consciously avoid being around him alone.

Just my opinion.

 

[Steph Dawe]

Thanks for all of your responses; bear with me, I might take a while to go through them all.

I think you love him, but you aren't IN love with him. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a wonderful thing. It's nice to have someone that makes you happy like that.

I reckon it's that - loving him but not being in love with him. That sounds a lot cooler (and by cool, I really mean politically correct).

IME, physical attraction is a requirement to being "IN LOVE"... So, unless you want to see him nekkid, I dont think you're in love with him.

Er... well, that was awkward.
He's a handsome guy (I mean, come on, he's Latino), but I've never found him sexually attractive. I don't feel that way.

If you are considering starting an affair with this person, reconsider it.

I was never considering it at all. My father was a cheater all through his marriage with Mum, and I hate him for it. The last thing I would want to make Carlos is a cheater, especially with a former student.
And like I said, I couldn't have a 'affair' kind of relationship. I just couldn't.

ever read Oedipus Rex?

Teacher, not Dad.

That's a good point though. I've read about the Oedipus Complex ('cos khay0s made me), but I don't think that applies to me. And isn't that when a son wants a relationship with his mother? That's how the jealousy of the father starts, right? It's been a while, I don't remember a whole heap of it.
And I'm no way jealous of Mrs Carlos or his daughters, so that's eliminated.

You understand your emotional capacity much better than anyone else ever would.

Sometimes it helps to take an objective stance on a situation. For example, I find it easy to talk to someone about a relationship they're in, or something that's happening to them (e.g. asking someone out), because I see it from outside of the situation. I can give them a more logical viewpoint. I know, albeit from limited experience, that your brain can turn to mush sometimes.
So, before (and during) I posted the original post, I was trying to look at it from a more logical viewpoint (or as much as I could, anyway).

There's no problems with being good friends with a member of the opposite sex. When you begin to over-think it, and talk to people on boards about a FRIENDSHIP because it's giving you questions or concern, then, for the sake of his marriage, you should consciously avoid being around him alone.

That's another good point that I didn't think of.



One thing that I guess started me thinking about it all was that list, and that it's sort of the criteria I look for in a partner.

It was like, "Am I already in love with him, and I never realised?"

So it was good to have "You love him but you're not in love with him" spelt out for me, and put in print. It makes a lot more sense. Thanks to all of you who gave your opinion - that's what I was after.

but there are also women who have penises.

That shouldn't have made me laugh.

 

[Floating teetH]

Oh come on.

it's true. do you really think women are turned on by nice guys?

no offense to women or anything, it's not their fault they're sexually attracted to ********, it's all part of evolutionary psychology and such.

what better way is there to convince women that you are a genetically superior alpha-male provider than treating people like garbage and getting away w/ it?