Wives at out of town gigs??

[lowfreq33]

Maybe it's just a practical matter. Not room in the van for an extra person, extra bathroom stops, if he lets your wife come then all the wives want to come, etc. regardless of your personal situation, if you're getting paid then it's a part time job, and the boss has the right to institute whatever policies he wants, whether you like it or not. I know there isn't room for an extra person in my touring rig. If she wants to drive up in her own vehicle that's up to her, but what about rooms? If you're sharing a room with another bandmate, how will his wife feel about another woman sleeping in the same room as her husband? Women can (and should) be very territorial.

I say keep things professional and leave the wife at home.

 

[BassAlchemy]

I think people tend to forget that playing in a working band is a job like any other. It is a lot of fun, you get to be in a social atmosphere but still if a person is shelving out money to hear your band it is a job like any other. People in their normal day to day jobs don't bring their gf/wives so personally I treat my band as I treat my day job. I maybe biased cause I lived through a freaky Yoko situation and perhaps I am biased but my new band we have the no gf/wives rule and things runnvery smoothly.

 

[Factor88]

I think people tend to forget that playing in a working band is a job like any other. It is a lot of fun, you get to be in a social atmosphere but still if a person is shelving out money to hear your band it is a job like any other. People in their normal day to day jobs don't bring their gf/wives so personally I treat my band as I treat my day job. I maybe biased cause I lived through a freaky Yoko situation and perhaps I am biased but my new band we have the no gf/wives rule and things runnvery smoothly.

Is this the band from the website in your public profile, the one that was formed in 2012 (and so is less than a year old)? Get back to us in two more years and let us know how that policy ended up panning out.

I think all of us who have been around the block musically have seen significant others damage, hold back, and sometimes even destroy a band. But I think your draconian solution, in the end, will cause more problems than it solves...but that's just my opinion....

I agree about the "job" thing, but comparing it to a normal 9-5 day isn't really appropriate, don't ya think?

 

[jaywa]

To me the BL's "policy" isn't as much of a problem as the lame reason he's putting out for it.

If he has a problem with band wives (in general or the OP's in particular), he should man-up and say so and not palm it off on a reason that is clearly bogus.

 

[Mushroo]

Your BL is asking you not to bring your wife, and making up an excuse so he doesn't look like a bad guy. Totally normal conflict-avoidant human behavior.

 

[lc12345678]

Boy, Boys, Boys.

You have to read between the lines! The bandleader and his wife had an affair and now he doesn't want that awkward sexual tension to get them busted.

Just kiddin'.

maybe

 

[zon6c-f]

I agree with jaywa page 1.

I NEVER want to be where my wife isn't welcomed. She is my major fan and supporter..what a slap-in-the-face after the love, support and great gifts of basses..amps...SHE has bought for me.

I have only done a few out-of-town gigs. Wife was always welcomed along.
She didn't come along because she chose not to; her call not bar or BL.

 

[bassbully]

Sometimes the only reason why I'll do an out of town gig is so I can bring my wife, and get a paid mini-vacation out of it.

Going back to my days on the road in another activity I was in I found allot of guys did it mainly to get away from the wife and family. Most of them acted like an #ss when out there. Maybe this is why the BL is doing acting this way?

 

[RustyAxe]

I've been married almost 37 years, and I think Sharon is more than happy to have me disappear every now and then. She often comments as I'm leaving ... "have fun playing with your little friends" and smiles happily. Sometimes I wish she took more interest and would come with me, but then again, I'd probably have to start attending quilting and gardening show with her and her friends. I'm leavin' well enough alone!

There's more in the OP's situation than meets the eye I think. But in the end, the OP should do whatever he wants, so long as it doesn't cost the band anything.

 

[dalkowski]

I agree about the "job" thing, but comparing it to a normal 9-5 day isn't really appropriate, don't ya think?

To this point, what's the diff between taking Mrs. along to the gig in Saskatoon and taking her along to the annual sales conference in Scottsdale?

If she's paying her way, never getting in the way, never being a burden on the band or its members, and never negatively affecting your duties as a band member, then it should be a non-issue.

 

[Wesley R]

Your bandleader has no say in this. NONE. He is trying to infringe upon your personal life, and he doesn't get to do that.

You tell him that he best never talk to you about anything like that again.

And next time, don't ask. Tell.

We are talking about your WIFE here.

+1 he doesn't own you

 

[jaywa]

I've been married almost 37 years, and I think Sharon is more than happy to have me disappear every now and then. She often comments as I'm leaving ... "have fun playing with your little friends" and smiles happily. Sometimes I wish she took more interest and would come with me, but then again, I'd probably have to start attending quilting and gardening show with her and her friends. I'm leavin' well enough alone!

Going on 15 years married here, and my situation is very similar to yours. My wife is 100% supportive of my music activities (and appreciates the extra income from it), but she pretty much opts out of all my gigs, etc. And I reciprocate when it comes to her arts and crafts activities and the occasional weekends she's away pursuing those. I've only brought her along on one band trip and even that was just a one-night deal where she drove separately and she and I had our own room (at my expense) apart from the band.

I figure if my wife's not at my gigs by her own choice that's fine. But the moment anyone else starts making that decision for us, there's gonna be a problem.

 

[bluewine]

In our band the spouses are actually all involved in the band business and are at every gig.

I'm the only exception, no wife, no girl friend.

Blue

 

[Mushroo]

Well, the bandleader doesn't own the OP, but he does lead him.
Depending on how much you are getting paid, how structured the business is, what the travel/accomodation arrangements are, the bandleader might be totally within his rights.

 

[bassmonkeee]

Is everyone supposed to ride in the same vehicle together and split the cost of gas? Is everyone sharing hotel rooms at the gig?

If so, regardless of how the band leader tried to get out of it, here is the bottom line when it comes to bringing your wife--you need to cover your share of the expenses if they mean someone else is going to have to pay more for the trip if your wife comes along.

For example--if there are four band members riding in a van, they would each need to cover 1/4 of the gas, right? If someone brings their wife and are riding separately, that means everyone else just had their trip expenses go up to 1/3 of gas. Solution? Pay 1/4 of band van gas expenses.

Four members sharing two rooms? Two to a room. With an added wife, you have 1 member sleeping in a room with his wife. Two rooms for three band members. Either all three share one room and have the quality of the sleeping arrangement go down, or someone gets stuck paying extra for their own room.

Solution? Pay 1/4 of the band's room cost so no one else has to pay extra or share a bed/sleep on a foldout.

That seems fair to me. Especially if the wife coming along is a new detail that wasn't known when the gig was booked.

If everyone was already driving themselves, taking their own gear, and getting their own rooms, then you obivously just bring your wife and the band leader can buck up like a good little camper.

Other than that, they really have no say as to whether your wife can come, or not. You're adults, and if they can't accept that, then you have no reason continuing with the project. Someone is trying to play rockstar.

And, the ONLY REASON a manager would say "no wifes,no girlfriends" is if it is a strip club gig. Some have a "no significant other" clause for performers. He didn't book you into a strip club and not tell you, did he?

 

[aborgman]

I think it smells more of him not caring for my wife

I think it smells of him being afraid your wife is going to tell on him for getting some on the side while out of town.

 

[Wesley R]

Maybe the band leader could dictate who I bring. To a bar gig, probably not.

If I drive myself, the BL has no say. If i pay for my own room either out of proceeds or an allowance, and I cough up the difference, the BL has no say.

If my GF or Wife creates issues, then that is a whole different story, and she is long gone from the sittuation.

If it a fun guys weekend, I would ask her to stay home.

My GF loves to here me play, and often goes to jam's, and plans on going to my upcoming gig's. She sit's to the side and quietly smiles, and says nothing about anything, just listens.

In the case of the OP; Those are some fairly long hauls, and some form of economics may well play into the sittuation. A decent leader (business, band, whatever) wouldn't cook up some BS about bar owners. He would address the issue openly, honestly, and with some compassion.

 

[Stewie26]

So let me get this straight, a bar owner doesn't want a potential customer in their establishment? Why would a bar owner not want a spouse of the hired band in his/her bar? Makes zero sense to me. Sounds to me like the BL is making some lame excuse as to why he doesn't want your wife on the trip. If I was driving my own car and paying for my own room, I would bring whomever I wanted. End of story.

+1.

 

[David Jayne]

I think that if she wants to come then I should be able to pay for an extra room, but the BL says that the bar managers don't even want that!!

HELP!!

BS.

 

[David Jayne]

I think it smells of him being afraid your wife is going to tell on him for getting some on the side while out of town.

Mmmmm Hmmmmm. Something like that.