Judge: Mr. Mason, your client, So Low Bass, has been charged with “the implication made that if someone doesn't wear their bass up high they're a hack. Yes, I know that isn't what you said, but I can't help thinking that's in the back of your mind when you say something like that" How does your client plead?
Perry Mason: My client pleads not guilty.
Judge: Mr. Burger, you may call your first witness for the Prosecution.
Burger: I call the Clown as an expert witness.
Mason: Objection! The Clown is only an entertainer, and can’t even speak.
Burger: “I imagine he’s a pretty nice clown but he doesn’t have a lot to say”
Judge: Mr. Burger: you must establish that the Clown is an expert witness.
Burger: Your Honor: he as attended but never graduated clown school. He had a great time for four years and watched all the other clowns perform. Clown: what is your address?
Court reporter: I couldn’t hear the Clown’s answer. Can you please repeat it?
Burger: Oh, sorry. The Clown is a mute and will sign his answers.
Mason: Your honor, if the clown is going to sign his testimony, I insist that he remove his mittens.
Burger: Your Honor, the Clown is an entertainer, and his mittens are part of his persona.
As a young clown, he watched his hero clowns on CTV (Clown TV) with their mittens and is simply imitating them. He NEEDS his mittens to entertain.
Judge: But the Clown’s stage persona inhibits him from communicating in this forum. Clown: you may step down from the witness stand. Go off and make people laugh out loud, but don’t dare make them smile inside.
Mason: Your Honor: I believe that I can clear up this entire mess if I am allowed to submit a direct quote from So Low Bass.
Burger: Objection. Mr. Mason is resorting to his usual tactic of confusing the issue.
Judge: Overruled. In the interest of time and justice, Mr. Mason may submit his quote.
Mason: I’d like to submit exibit A:
A musician’s playing position serves his playing, not his “audience”. Entertainers put their “audience” first...”How do I look?”
Judge: Not Guilty.
