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"World" Bass

Fretless resonator bass just might be partially audible, probably the only thing that'll get close. I'm not sure even a full size URB would be audible, at least from drum circles I've found myself around. An upright needs to be amplified even for small bookstore gigs in my experience.
 
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So to paint you a mental picture, imagine a bunch of regular folks but with, like... more... beads?
:D
Your being inclined toward less string clank might work to your disadvantage in this case: less noise, less overall brightness and volume.
My standard suggestions in these cases are:
1) if portability is a concern but bassiness isn't, consider getting a cheap resonator guitar and converting it to a 3-course (unisons or better yet octaves: eEaAdD) super-short bass. You'd have to source appropriately-dimensioned (large gauges but short winding length) custom strings, e.g. asking La Bella, via BassStringsOnline, for a bronze set with BEAD gauges wound for 25" scale, then tuning it EADG. The bridge saddle should be replaced with a custom, compensated one or intonation would be poor up in the neck, but OTOH you could stick to the first frets and never venture up there;
2) if you know who to ask, have this big boy built
Loud enough ABG (kind of)
A fretless one should still be plenty loud.
Not the looks you expected? Well, the karindula bass suggested above seems to be similar in concept only more "authentic" (but I doubt it was invented earlier than a few decades ago).
Loud enough ABG (kind of)
 
Hm. So overall what I'm hearing is that my loudest and most economical option at once is to stick with an amplified ABG, probably fitted with some tapes.

To that end, I've got two reasonable options- either have someone rip the frets off my current ABG, or invest in an affordable fretless one.

My present ABG is pretty cheap and the intonation's always been a hassle, so if the price is right I've got no hesitation about a fretless conversion... but how much do those run, usually?

I'm in no way handy or equipped enough to do it myself.

--^@
 
Bass marimba or xylophone? Also way too expensive, but cool as hell


Also, let me assure you, your fear of defretting can be overcome! i am in the middle of a defret right now, never done before, and having no problem at all. Going to be doing a thread on it.
 
I hate hauling it, but the chicks dig it :) A "World Sized" bass.
You will need a Mono XXXXXL gig case! Good luck with your quest!

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Mexican guitarrón, as suggested by kesslari above, is a very good idea actually and would set you back only a few benjies
https://www.amazon.com/Lucida-LG-GR1-Guitarron-with-Bag/dp/B001VOBZFI/

BUT you'd have to learn proper guitarrón technique to make the most out of it. Thumb plucks lowest string and middle finger plucks what appears to be the highest string (it's tuned an octave lower than one would expect actually) at the same "fret" and the same time; if the lowest note is instead on the second lowest string you also, simultaneously, pluck a note an octave up on the 3rd string; if the octave note happens to exist as an open string note pluck that one instead. So, for anything but the fastest runs, every note played on the low, steel-core half-set is doubled an octave up on the high, nylon half-set. The result seems to be pretty loud on videos!
Also worthy of note, the tuning is A1-D2-G2-C3-E3-A2 (<-odd one out as mentioned above), so 5 semitones less than a standard bass guitar available down low; and as the quotes around "fret" above hinted at, it's fretless, and usually set up with very high action.
 
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If you go to tapes, I think you might find you dont need to go fretless..They get rid of nearly all the clank. I use Rotosounds on my Martin and daddarios on my Mota. Basically, find the biggest body you can afford, string it with tapes, set it up high, and use a lot of heavy right hand.

You're makin' a real nice case for the tapes, so I think I'll give them a try before I do anything too drastic. Do you notice any significant difference between the Rotosounds and the D'addarios? Looks like I've got no shortage of options on the nylon front- it's a little intimidating.

--^@