Am I overacting with my band

[BassyBill]

Okay we need to get at least one practice in before the gig. I know everyone is busy, but we need it and the fans deserve it. So if Mondays don't work one week, we need a back up plan. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday... I don't care which. I know its a busy time of year, but we made commitments to places and we need to keep them. When I propose gig dates to the band and I get the proverbial "I'm good with whatever" comments, that's fine. But do the band and its fans some justice and let's put some effort into preparations.
I don't mean to get on a rant here, but Bolts Sports Bar called me today. They want us to play there. I honestly could not give her an answer when. Why, because we are not ready. We're just are not. So I told her I would talk to you guys and see where we are at. Maybe after the New Years??? I don't know what to tell her.
So what I'm saying is I'm not going to play social organizer and try to get practices together for the band. We need to practice, if someone can't do a Monday. Then that person or persons should be the one trying to reschedule the practice that they can't make. It should not fall to me. Half the time, I get no reply or it takes days to even get a reply. .
Reading this I guess it comes across a little harsh. But, I guess I'm a little hurt. I spend hours finding gigs, recording and uploading practices to box.net, making flyers and demo cds, etc. It wasn't that long ago when we all we talked about was how cool it would be to play in a bar one day. So I started the process of getting the band on the internet, visiting bars and talking to owners. Just trying to get their doors open to us. We are now getting bars that want us!!! They want our band, and they are willing to pay decent money!! It's been awesome to me. But the moment we decided to take these little steps, we have to follow through.
If we don't all share the same dreams anymore, we need to have that discussion. If we need to cancel some shows, let's do that. But we need to discuss it and not over email or text messages.
I love all you guys like brothers and I guess I needed to let you guys know how I felt. I'm sorry if I misread anyone's intentions or dedication. But, I know what we are capable of, and we are not living up to it.

So that was pretty much what I said in the email. I typed it all on my blackberry phone. I was so livid after making 20-30 calls and texts to coordinate one frickin practice!!! So I probably shouldn't have, but it seemed like using the "kid gloves" with them wasn't working either.
As far as my personal life I have been married for 20 years and I have 2 kids. Not a perfect man by any means, but me and my wife are still in love and are still the best of friends. My kids are well rounded, straight A students and I am very proud of them both. I just wish my band was as easy as my family. Haha

You were in no way too harsh AT ALL with what you said there. You were just honest (I presume) and direct.

The reason I asked is I got the impression some of us posting in the thread were assuming you sent a much worse message than that - a real flamemail with insults, profanity, threats, butthurt, whatever. Clearly you didn't.

You've done nothing more than say exactly what needed to be said, in my opinion. Well worded, too, in the main - very diplomatic.

 

[Muttleybass]

Well, I kinda thought you were a tad harsh. Sorry.

It sounds like you guys originally got together for beers, fun and jamming. You outgrew that and your band mates didn't. Now you want to get a bit more serious and they still just wanna have fun. You can't blame them. It sounds like you need to hook up with guys just a little more serious. If they are your friends, they'll understand.

As far as doing all the work, I used to complain about that too. Then I realized that everyone in the band is replacable, EXCEPT the guy who does the work to keep it going. Drummer can't make it? If it's a paying gig you can get a pro for $100 and 2 beer.

 

[lucas vigor]

You were in no way too harsh AT ALL with what you said there. You were just honest (I presume) and direct.

The reason I asked is I got the impression some of us posting in the thread were assuming you sent a much worse message than that - a real flamemail with insults, profanity, threats, butthurt, whatever. Clearly you didn't.

You've done nothing more than say exactly what needed to be said, in my opinion. Well worded, too, in the main - very diplomatic.

I agree 100%. This was not a harsh message you sent them, just honest.


You might try a more inspirational approach, though. Tell them how as a band, they have surpassed your expectations and as a result are being offered more and better gigs, as a testament to their skill. Tell them that out of the original concept of just hanging out and having fun, the band has mutated and evolved on it's own to be a real band.

Then after saying that, fire the lot of them! (JK!) but seriously, point out that the dynamics of the band have changed...and now they have an opportunity to take it up a notch. Tell them to think about it, and get back to you if they want to move forward or not. That way, you aren't forcing them, and no one thought this was all part of some evil, manipulating plan to take over the band and become their leader...which in fact (or de facto) you already are.....
__________________

 

[stevemac]

I'd say youre justified, everyone loses it now and again, its good to let em know how you really feel once in a while.

But you probably have a bit of apologizing to do.

See where it goes from there.

You might have to make your jams more fun, I think thats where the problem is. I pound beers since the drummer where we jam always has a full beer fridge and make it twice a week, it works for me.

 

[jaywa]

FWIW I think the OP's e-mail was actually remarkably restrained and articulated the critical issues without calling anyone out specifically.

 

[littlepope]

You are not over reacting IMO. Looks like you are reaffirming the commitment the band has made to the group, employers and fans.

BUT - you are saying it in too many words. That makes it seem ineffective. K.I.S.S. syndrome does apply. If you are late for work, I bet your boss can get your attention in 2 sentences: Want a paycheck Mr.XXX? Make it to work on time & we have no problems.

In general office/business communication sending email should be used for something that is is important but not deadly detrimental to life. What if everyone did not get the email?

Get a group meeting going. Discuss only the business at hand for a great length of time. Pay attention to what others say and do when presented info. Does anyone ask questions?? All that goes to saying who are interested and who is along for a ride.

Sometimes you may need to fire someone to get their attention-(a wakeup call).

 

[relwof]

Well, I kinda thought you were a tad harsh. Sorry.

It sounds like you guys originally got together for beers, fun and jamming. You outgrew that and your band mates didn't. Now you want to get a bit more serious and they still just wanna have fun. You can't blame them. It sounds like you need to hook up with guys just a little more serious. If they are your friends, they'll understand.

Might have seen your point if it wasn't for the end of his message :

If we don't all share the same dreams anymore, we need to have that discussion. If we need to cancel some shows, let's do that. But we need to discuss it and not over email or text messages.
I love all you guys like brothers and I guess I needed to let you guys know how I felt. I'm sorry if I misread anyone's intentions or dedication. But, I know what we are capable of, and we are not living up to it.

basically saying if they aren't as happy with it getting "more serious" and would rather just have fun, that's cool, but they need to decide which way they're going and honor (or cancel) their upcoming commitments accordingly.

I considered saying something about recalibrating the OP's concept of freaking out / over-reacting / totally going off / livid / "kids gloves" ... but then it dawned on me my wife might have agreed with him. And being that sensitive after twenty years of marriage with kids is not necessarily a bad thing. Especially when it's driven by consideration for others instead of whining about treatment from others. So IMHO not only was the original message quite reasonable, the concern about overreacting - though perhaps unnecessary - is rather commendable in and of itself.

I am curious though, have you gotten any response from the other guys in the band? I'd be kinda surprised if any of them got upset and said you were being "too harsh". I could see some of them being a little bummed about giving up playing out unless they're willing to step up, but that's a different issue. Actually that is THE issue - don't confuse reaction to that with them thinking you were too harsh.

 

[gard0300]

I have gotten some responses from the band members. The lead guitarist is frustrated like me, but doesn't say much. The vocalist called me within 20 minutes to make sure I was okay. The drummer to this moment in time has not responded at all. The email was mainly directed at him and to a lesser degree the singer. But from the ones I have heard from they have agreed, that we need to address some issues we have as a band. Thanks again for all your input. Sometimes its nice to get a fellow musicians opinions on these matters. I value my wife's opinion, but its always nice getting someone's opinion who has been there.

 

[Jason P Bass]

If everybody does not share the same goals with regard to practice, gigs, fame, & fortune, then your band's success will lead to personnel problems. In my experience, this is a tried-and-true formula that never fails.

There's no point in assigning blame or passing judgment. Just try to find out if somebody is over-committed, and find a positive, stable path to achieve your goals. That might mean immediately replacing a jerk, or it might mean phasing out a friend, or it might mean supporting a friend while he gets his life in order.

But whatever you do, in my experience, trying to change people is a waste of time and effort. You will fail and be frustrated. Band management is a real zen thing, I think, and probably why I'm so bad at it.

 

[Gwardar]

I guess a few people have already said this, but I'll join too - you haven't overreacted at all IMHO. I actually think it was quite restrained and down to a point. The problem isn't with you.

Good luck with resolving it. By the looks of things you'd like to keep playing with these guys.

 

[Nathan Shaw]

Being in a successful, gigging band requires a substantial amount of time and effort. You obviously have that commitment while they certainly don't. One practice in 15 days doesn't cut it. Full time jobs and life commitments can obviously get in the way of things.. But to be tight, a band needs so much time and effort. You're obviously so passionate, and if these guys don't share the same creed that you do maybe it's time to move on. I play in an extremely motivated band (about 70 gigs since January) and I do truly believe that relentless effort and unwavering willingness to get the job done and spread your brand of music (on the part of every member of the group) is the only way to progress. Sounds like you're on a different page. Best of luck!

 

[Munjibunga]

The email was fine.

 

[tZer]

Okay we need to get at least one practice in before the gig. I know everyone is busy, but we need it and the fans deserve it. So if Mondays don't work one week, we need a back up plan. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday... I don't care which. I know its a busy time of year, but we made commitments to places and we need to keep them. When I propose gig dates to the band and I get the proverbial "I'm good with whatever" comments, that's fine. But do the band and its fans some justice and let's put some effort into preparations.
I don't mean to get on a rant here, but Bolts Sports Bar called me today. They want us to play there. I honestly could not give her an answer when. Why, because we are not ready. We're just are not. So I told her I would talk to you guys and see where we are at. Maybe after the New Years??? I don't know what to tell her.
So what I'm saying is I'm not going to play social organizer and try to get practices together for the band. We need to practice, if someone can't do a Monday. Then that person or persons should be the one trying to reschedule the practice that they can't make. It should not fall to me. Half the time, I get no reply or it takes days to even get a reply. .
Reading this I guess it comes across a little harsh. But, I guess I'm a little hurt. I spend hours finding gigs, recording and uploading practices to box.net, making flyers and demo cds, etc. It wasn't that long ago when we all we talked about was how cool it would be to play in a bar one day. So I started the process of getting the band on the internet, visiting bars and talking to owners. Just trying to get their doors open to us. We are now getting bars that want us!!! They want our band, and they are willing to pay decent money!! It's been awesome to me. But the moment we decided to take these little steps, we have to follow through.
If we don't all share the same dreams anymore, we need to have that discussion. If we need to cancel some shows, let's do that. But we need to discuss it and not over email or text messages.
I love all you guys like brothers and I guess I needed to let you guys know how I felt. I'm sorry if I misread anyone's intentions or dedication. But, I know what we are capable of, and we are not living up to it.

So that was pretty much what I said in the email. I typed it all on my blackberry phone. I was so livid after making 20-30 calls and texts to coordinate one frickin practice!!! So I probably shouldn't have, but it seemed like using the "kid gloves" with them wasn't working either.
As far as my personal life I have been married for 20 years and I have 2 kids. Not a perfect man by any means, but me and my wife are still in love and are still the best of friends. My kids are well rounded, straight A students and I am very proud of them both. I just wish my band was as easy as my family. Haha

Constructive Critique: Less is more.

When you use email be direct and specific. Omit the emotional fluff and don't ever explain yourself. Say what you want - emotion-free - ask questions that they can answer easily - save the 'editorializing' for when you can talk in person to avoid the inevitable 'email rage' that people can read into things.

I carved up your email and here's how I'd have handled it.

Bolts Sports Bar called me today. They want us to play there. Can we?

I think we can but I think we should rehearse to iron out the rough spots.

Which of these days next week works best for you?
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday

I don't mind scheduling and organizing but if anyone else wants to help out I'm open to it!

Let me know what days work best for you and if there's anything I can do to help get our rehearsals kicked into gear.

--me

I've found that long, fully editorialized emails with veiled emotional barbs rarely gets anywhere. Short, 3 line emails with easy to answer, direct questions gets the best results. Anything else opens the door to way too much misinterpretation (or accurate reading between the lines).

Less is more. Be direct. Edit yourself and remove emotional explaining and other non-actionable stuff.

 

[One Drop]

Sounds to me like you need a new drummer, that's all.

 

[jaywa]

Sounds to me like you need a new drummer, that's all.

LOL, that could be said of a lot of bands.