Am I overacting with my band

[gard0300]

I totally went off on my band today and I feel bad, but don't know if I should.
A little back ground on my band. We have been together for about 2 years. We started off just friends sitting around drinking a beer and discussing how cool it would be to start a band and play some covers. Just for us. No gigging. As time went on we got pretty good and everyone wanted to start gigging. So I took the bull by the horns and made some calls and did alot of networking with bars and with other local bands. I created the facebook page, printed all gig flyers, recorded demos, attended other bands shows to get to know them. No one else seemed to care to put forth any effort in promoting the band. At the time it was find with me. The less people involved the better....I thought.
Flash forward to the present, we have gigged out for the last 9 months. We play a show every 4-6 weeks or so. Well now... we have venues asking us back and new bars wanting us to play there. I call the band with the opportunities and I get the preverbial "Its cool with me" from everyone. But, the problem is, the last 2 shows have not been very strong showings. The drummer's timing is off, the singer's voice is going out and the guitarist is screwing with his pedals way too much. So I tell the band we need to practice and work out some of these issues. So after 20 phones calls and emails, noone can find anytime to practice. I think I found a 2 hour window to practice, in the next 15 days.
So today I lost it and sent out a nasty email to all, telling them that we need to make time to practice and fulfill the dates we booked. We need to honor our commitment to the bar owners and our fans. If we weren't going to put our best foot forward, we should fulfill short term gigs and cancel the rest.
I am really tired of being the guy who sets up ; gigs, websites, merchandise, practices, recordings, write 80% of the music, etc. and noone puts forth any commitment to the band.
These guys are my very best friends. We spend more time together in and out of band than anybody else. I don't want to lose that. So should I say I freaked out and overreacted or stand my ground or something in the middle.

 

[scottbass]

Every serious band sets a regular (as in weekly, if not twice weekly) time for rehearsal. (Practice is what you do by yourself, and, BTW, everyone should be doing THAT, too.)

Is your band serious? If so, set the regular rehearsal time and then work to improve. If your band isn't serious, you will play your remaining gigs and then book no more with this group of non-serious musicians.

Whether you remain friends with them after all of this depends on everyone's general acceptance of the fact that good musicians need to rehearse regularly, and whether they gladly accept that they are not so inclined.

And then it's up to you whether or not you want to find a new group of more serious musicians to play with.

Good luck!

 

[EricssonB]

So it's basically your band?

What you're suggesting of finishing out your commitments and calling it quits is very professional, although hopefully you won't have to get to the calling it quits part; hopefully a last resort.

First, the whole group may need to be brought together around a coffee as part of, "look, guys..." kind of talk. My wife does this sort of shtuff to me all the time, seems to work.

If that doesn't work, perhaps work with them as a one-on-one, focusing on each member's deficiencies while also drawing attention to their strengths.

If those two things don't work, then fire somebody. But make sure to consider the dynamics of the group as to whether it'll survive that. My wife doesn't bring this one up very often...

Are you their leader, or their manager?

I haven't been deeply involved in a band for years, but I'm now starting to be put into leadership/management positions in the USAF and part of my recent training was focused on the different aspects of leading vs managing.

I just regurgitated all of that AF brainwashing. You're welcome.

 

[skychief]

These guys are my very best friends. We spend more time together in and out of band than anybody else. I don't want to lose that. So should I say I freaked out and overreacted or stand my ground or something in the middle.

I think you just answered your own question. Best to eat a small slice of humble pie and get back to being friends...
and havin fun makin some noise!!

The band im with now had a very similar situation to yours, in many respects. I was one of the guys who was always up for doing gigs, but always managed to wiggle out of the rehearsals. We all eventually agreed to just do rehearsals when working on new stuff. And the leader/director spends much less time writing/promoting/booking, etc...

 

[Liam Wald]

There is nothing nastier than a nasty e-mail.
You can't take it back and the recipients save them and read them over and over.
It is seriously worse than drinking and dialing.

I understand your feelings and your need to deal with it. It needs to be done one-on-one face-to-face to get agreement and cooperation.
You need to go to see each of your band mates. Explain and discuss your feelings, apologize for the nasty gram, and get them back on your side and moving in the right direction. That is called management.

 

[gard0300]

Thanks for all the comments. I am by default the untitled leader of the band. I named the band, I generally right the progressions, lyrics, arangements and time signatures of most songs. The drummer is generally weak ( I know I Know...), the rest of the band is pretty solid.....when they are focused. It just seems like they all love being on stage, having drinks bought for them, girls dancing, etc. But, they seem less inclined to really put the time in for a solid show. A show that is deserving of the bar that's paying us and the fans coming out to listen. The last couple gigs have been rough and I know they are better musicians than that.

I will try the group talk and hope we can stay on track with this serious subject, But, alot of times the conversation drifts off to some unrelated topic (beer, chicks, cars, guns, etc. haha ) and nothing ever really gets said. They are all guilty of missing rehearsal, but there is one that is more guilty than the other. My best friend the drummer. ugh .

 

[Jason P Bass]

Trying to change people will leave you frustrated, and the person unchanged.

If they're not serious about being gigging musicians, you cannot force it upon them and find success.

 

[IncX]

i guess a good course of action is to just fulfill the short term gigs, and then cancel the others (if it is that painful). let the band know. and then leave it at that. IF they begin asking why you arent practicing anymore, then you can ask them again how serious they are.... depending on how they'd answer it would determine your next move

 

[Gwardar]

You need a new band methinks. I've been down that path a few times. Felt like an ox pulling a cart everybody else just sat on.

Not a nice feeling after a while, everybody should be on board. It's great if one guy shows extra initiative, but some response from the rest of the pack must follow. People tend to get lazy and expect you do all the work for them. All you get in return is constant whinging about something. Wrong people, obviously different priorities

New band mate! And all the best with it

 

[Stumbo]

Reacting to your band's situation with such an email is the last thing that will motivate them to follow your lead.

After aplogizing profusely, I suggest a band meeting ASAP. Put together a list of all the issues and work through them one by one at the meeting. Be professional about it. No rant will motivate them and may jeopardize your friendships.

If you're serious about gigging, then whatever is decided at the meeting, keep whomever can match up to your goals and replace those that don't. Or start your own band and move on from their so you can keep the friendships.

Seems to me that your band mates musical desires overreached the work it would take to fulfill them. It appears that their non-band lives have priority over the band but they won't speak up about it and they keep on keeping on so they won't let their good buddy(you) down.

In the future, I suggest you study leadership. Learning the skills necessary to be an effective leader will help in your band and non-band life. IME, waiting until you blow up over issues that have been going on for awhile is the opposite of what you should be doing.

Just curious...is that how you solve problems in your non-band life? If you can't speak up (positively, constructively,timely and in a reasonable manner) to your friends, what kind of treatment do your enemies get?

Let us know how it goes.

 

[S.B.]

Sounds like there needs to be a meeting. You guys need to discuss where each persons goals or wants are for the band. In my experience many times people can have different personalities and even what they want. It is also important you discuss your thoughts and feelings about things that are important to you, such as how you sound, practice etc. in a calm manner. Then see where you are with their responses and make a decision. Many times I have found that whats important to me may not be to others. Just some thoughts from my experience. Hope it works out.

 

[Gwardar]

Reacting to your band's situation with such an email is the last thing that will motivate them to follow your lead.

After aplogizing profusely, I suggest a band meeting ASAP. Put together a list of all the issues and work through them one by one at the meeting. Be professional about it. No rant will motivate them and may jeopardize your friendships.

Interesting, this is "glass half-full" approach. Definitely another point of view, but I'd suggest you first evaluate whether you have the right team for the project. If you don't - as Jason P Bass said - it will leave you frustrated and people unchanged.

Oh - and I wouldn't apologise unless I've been rude or unfair. You made you point and by the looks of thing - rightfully so.

In the future, I suggest you study leadership. Learning the skills necessary to be an effective leader will help in your band and non-band life. IME, waiting until you blow up over issues that have been going on for awhile is the opposite of what you should be doing.

Now, with all the respect - this does sound like a bit of overkill You don need to study leadership to handle normal interpersonal issues. Lazy bandmates don't need academic approach.

 

[Stumbo]

I totally went off on my band today .....So today I lost it and sent out a nasty email to all...

Oh - and I wouldn't apologise unless I've been rude or unfair. You made you point and by the looks of thing - rightfully so.

Yes....I think the OP made it clear he was rude....unfair? maybe not. Sounds like the issues he wanted to discuss merited review by the whole band. What is of concern is, IME, being rude adds no logic to one's argument. It mostly shows that one is severely lacking in communication and interpersonal skills and is an attempt to bully others into submitting to one's point of view regardless of the consequences.

Now, with all the respect - this does sound like a bit of overkill You don need to study leadership to handle normal interpersonal issues. Lazy bandmates don't need academic approach.

Improving one's impulse control so as to not mail rants to friends may not require academic study though I do suggest some personal growth may give relief to these type of outbursts.

Lots of on online sites, podcasts, books and such are available to help improve one's interpersonal skills. Study doesn't necessarily mean "formal" education.

Here's a very good book on the topic recommended by my wife who has put in over 20k hours learning, consulting and advising on interpersonal and leadership skills. http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Have-Make-Everything-Better/dp/0140286438

The "lazy bandmates" moniker may be your interpretation of the band mates actions but until the issues have been discussed by everyone to find out what where the band stands in terms of their priorities, IME, using labels to discount others is the first step toward failure in band and non-band life.

 

[rust_preacher]

Seems like you started a great project to have fun with friends. Their personal lives may be such that fulfilling standing commitments is difficult, but at the same time it looks like you are looking to branch out.

With your effort promoting the band you seem to have been integrated in your local scene. There should be no problem for you finding a post as a bassist in another covers band.

So, get back to having fun with friends (i. e. no paid-for gigs with the current lineup), and if you want to continue on your path, find another group to play with for the beer money.

 

[Gwardar]

Yes....I think the OP made it clear he was rude....unfair? maybe not.

I didn't get the impression the message was rude. It was about the fact that everybody needed to practice and about commitments to gigs.

Improving one's impulse control so as to not mail rants to friends may not require academic study though I do suggest some personal growth may give relief to these type of outbursts.

Oh, I think that is a bit assumptive. Sending an email even with emotional content in it wouldn't classify as poor impulse control IMHO. Neither it suggests the author suffers from any personal problems and require any help for that matter. It's just clear communication, possibly superior to supressing real meaning or sugar-coating it.

Lots of on online sites, podcasts, books and such are available to help improve one's interpersonal skills. Study doesn't necessarily mean "formal" education.

Here's a very good book on the topic recommended by my wife who has put in over 20k hours learning, consulting and advising on interpersonal and leadership skills. http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Have-Make-Everything-Better/dp/0140286438

The "lazy bandmates" moniker may be your interpretation of the band mates actions but until the issues have been discussed by everyone to find out what where the band stands in terms of their priorities, IME, using labels to discount others is the first step toward failure in band and non-band life.

May I ask what is your profession? Please don't get me wrong, I don't mean any disrespect, but it may be affecting your view a bit.

Talking to people about issues does not require professional approach or books, it's what humans had been doing for centuries, way before any theories were invented. Sometimes a friend's advice is helpful, but usually not much more than that.

People used to communicate more efficiently in the past. It has changed since we began over-intellectualising everything.

 

[BassyBill]

Just purely out of curiosity, I'd like to see the email that was sent (suitably anonymised, of course). Would you be willing to share? It might help the discussion along a little.

 

[Vanceman]

The same thing happened in the band I'm in. It was shocking and a wake up call to get that email. But it worked, everyone recommitted to putting in more practice and rehearsals. If people don't want to put forth the effort, go back to drinking beer and jamming in the garage.

 

[gard0300]

Just purely out of curiosity, I'd like to see the email that was sent (suitably anonymised, of course). Would you be willing to share? It might help the discussion along a little.

Okay we need to get at least one practice in before the gig. I know everyone is busy, but we need it and the fans deserve it. So if Mondays don't work one week, we need a back up plan. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday... I don't care which. I know its a busy time of year, but we made commitments to places and we need to keep them. When I propose gig dates to the band and I get the proverbial "I'm good with whatever" comments, that's fine. But do the band and its fans some justice and let's put some effort into preparations.
I don't mean to get on a rant here, but Bolts Sports Bar called me today. They want us to play there. I honestly could not give her an answer when. Why, because we are not ready. We're just are not. So I told her I would talk to you guys and see where we are at. Maybe after the New Years??? I don't know what to tell her.
So what I'm saying is I'm not going to play social organizer and try to get practices together for the band. We need to practice, if someone can't do a Monday. Then that person or persons should be the one trying to reschedule the practice that they can't make. It should not fall to me. Half the time, I get no reply or it takes days to even get a reply. .
Reading this I guess it comes across a little harsh. But, I guess I'm a little hurt. I spend hours finding gigs, recording and uploading practices to box.net, making flyers and demo cds, etc. It wasn't that long ago when we all we talked about was how cool it would be to play in a bar one day. So I started the process of getting the band on the internet, visiting bars and talking to owners. Just trying to get their doors open to us. We are now getting bars that want us!!! They want our band, and they are willing to pay decent money!! It's been awesome to me. But the moment we decided to take these little steps, we have to follow through.
If we don't all share the same dreams anymore, we need to have that discussion. If we need to cancel some shows, let's do that. But we need to discuss it and not over email or text messages.
I love all you guys like brothers and I guess I needed to let you guys know how I felt. I'm sorry if I misread anyone's intentions or dedication. But, I know what we are capable of, and we are not living up to it.

So that was pretty much what I said in the email. I typed it all on my blackberry phone. I was so livid after making 20-30 calls and texts to coordinate one frickin practice!!! So I probably shouldn't have, but it seemed like using the "kid gloves" with them wasn't working either.
As far as my personal life I have been married for 20 years and I have 2 kids. Not a perfect man by any means, but me and my wife are still in love and are still the best of friends. My kids are well rounded, straight A students and I am very proud of them both. I just wish my band was as easy as my family. Haha

 

[Rickengeezer]

No, THIS is "overacting with my band":

YouTube - ‪William Shatner "Rocket Man"‬‏

 

[RadioactiveGuy4]

i would not see that as over reacting. I would read that as a friend had an issue with me/the band and was frustrated but whostill wanted to talk about things. But im a pretty chill guy and it takes alot to piss me off