Am I too rigid?

[fishdude101101]

yeah those are deep cut surprises everyone wants. all of the crappiest 70's 80' and 90's stuff kills. even if they didnt love it back then they do now. im surprised at all of the songs i used to hate that i now really enjoy. a lot of the audience is that way too.

Me too. Jesus I never thought I would "like" Hall and Oates, but I do.

 

[LBS-bass]

I get what you're saying an I agree. It is a lower priority for me and that is why I told them where I stood when I started. I've compromised many times. I think my real issue with it is when they want to do it on weeknights, they have to be more understanding of my schedule. They routinely want to start at 4pm, and ask if me every time if I can do that and I always say no I can't be there until 6pm and I want to be done at 9pm. It would not be such a bone to pick if they could just keep it in their heads for the next time.

That makes sense to me; my most common start time for rehearsals is 6:30 and we usually go until 8 or 9, depending on the band. Most people aren't done with work in time to do something as early as 4. Sounds like maybe you need to remind them that 4:00 is always going to be too early on a weeknight for you.

 

[fishdude101101]

That makes sense to me; my most common start time for rehearsals is 6:30 and we usually go until 8 or 9, depending on the band. Most people aren't done with work in time to do something as early as 4. Sounds like maybe you need to remind them that 4:00 is always going to be too early on a weeknight for you.

I've probably told 5 times now "I am still at work until 4" It just irritates the crap out of me that it keeps coming up. I've known these guys for a long time, I've played in other bands with them. We are all friends. But because of this I wanted to set the expectation early.

 

[LBS-bass]

I've probably told 5 times now "I am still at work until 4" It just irritates the crap out of me that it keeps coming up. I've known these guys for a long time, I've played in other bands with them. We are all friends. But because of this I wanted to set the expectation early.

I get it, that would irritate me, too. I have similar issues - tell people that Monday is my best day and they send out invitations for a Wednesday, when I'm likely to be busy, etc.... sometimes people just don't remember your stuff as much as you wish they would.

 

[jnuts1]

Me too. Jesus I never thought I would "like" Hall and Oates, but I do.

it's crazy

 

[gln1955]

Not saying its special, just saying what I don't want to do. Practicing on weekend means loading gear, taking it to work with me, etc. I honestly just don't want to be gone 6am-10pm on those days. I have things that I have to go home and do, like feed pets, let them outside to use the bathroom on weeknights. That's my "life stuff". When we do Friday gigs I end up taking the day off work to accomdate.

If I drive home to do these things and then go to practice I'm adding in a 1.5 hour round trip and pretty much driving back to the same place I was just at to work and not getting to practice until 7pm. Then those guys want to be done by a certain time, which I get. For them its sit at home all day then go to practice. Then they're like "can we start at 4pm?" No because I'm still working at that time. When we do have a weeknight rehearsal I was stipulate I can do 6pm-9pm that's it.

One question that has come up (and sorry if I missed where you clarified) is how often are these rehearsals? Is it a weekly thing and if so do you really need to be doing that. You can get a lot done in a three-hour rehearsal, especially if its just to add new songs and work out rough spots in your set list.

 

[two fingers]

you turned down thousands of dollars because of 60-80 miles. not only would i fire you i would take your bass away!!

Yep. Wedding in Durham. Required that we be set up and out of the way by 3 p.m. Band set 7-11. So I would have had to leave my house about 10:30 a.m. and would have gotten home around 2 a.m.

I would have cost me about a hundred in gas. Food for the day (except dinner).

Plus, a 13 1/2 hour day? Never mind that I wouldn't have been any fun for me or my family the next day. The whole weekend shot.

No thanks. I don't need the money that badly.

 

[6Bass101]

You aren’t being too rigid, but sometimes it’s ok to part ways with a situation that just isn’t ideal anymore.
The good thing is you were upfront with your expectations/limitations. And you seem ok with them finding someone else if they prefer. So the ball is always in their court. They can decide whether they want to continue as agreed, or to find a replacement. I would just reiterate to them that there would be no hard feelings if they got a replacement, just so they know.

 

[FullumMusic]

The situation:

Current band I'm in was started a couple of years ago. I was asked to join, this was not an audition scenario. I agreed on the following conditions, which they agreed to:

1) No weeknight rehearsal for any reason. I will play a gig if needed but with my work hours/commitments it is not something I'll do.

2) No deep cuts (its a coverband)

3) No gigs more than an hour away without provided sound. I stated my preference to also have have provided sound. I'm not in this for the money and if that means paying for sound, I'm ok with that, but I'm not buying any sound gear.

So lately the other members want to rehearse through the week because of things they want to do on weekends. They all mostly working from home in lower stress, less intense jobs. Week night stuff for me just makes for too long of a day.

You're not being "too rigid." Neither are they being "too rigid." It just sounds like it's not a good match. You don't need to justify why you can't do weeknights. You said you can't do them. They want/need to do weeknights. If they look for a bassist whose schedule matches theirs, they get to rehearse when they want and scheduling gets less difficult. Similarly, you get to not rehearse when you don't want AND can find a gig that doesn't make your life more difficult. Everyone's life gets less difficult.

They probably shouldn't have agreed to weekends-only if they can't do weekends. Maybe they just said that to get you in the band. Maybe they really thought they could do weekends and were mistaken. {shrugs} But you're here now and this is the situation and it seems like everyone would benefit and be happier if you went separate ways.

Be like, "Hey band! I can't rehearse weekdays. You can't rehearse weekends. Our schedules just don't line up. Oh well. Hey-ho. No bigs. So it goes. I ain't mad or anything. It's just a bad fit timing-wise." Then maybe toss some other bassists' names over to them if you know of any who might be a good fit. Show them some good will and hook another bassist up with a gig they might need.

 

[LBS-bass]

No thanks. I don't need the money that badly.

Agree, you couldn't pay me enough to do that kind of job, either. Some folks don't understand that money isn't everything and that we don't all do this only for the paycheck. Let that job go to a group of folks who need the paycheck more than I do. I'm happy to see them have it.

I have one coming up that I dread; it's an early set up with two one hour sets during the day. I normally won't play this venue / show but I felt like I had to toss the BL a bone because I've been turning down a lot of work with him. Problem is I also have a three hour show with an early set up the following day, and I'm going to be beat. Oh well, it happens sometimes but I try to keep the back-to-back stress to a minimum. If you want a workhorse who's willing to do every crappy show you probably want to call someone else. My dues on crappy gigs were paid up a long time ago.

 

[friskinator]

Yep. Wedding in Durham. Required that we be set up and out of the way by 3 p.m. Band set 7-11. So I would have had to leave my house about 10:30 a.m. and would have gotten home around 2 a.m.

I would have cost me about a hundred in gas. Food for the day (except dinner).

Plus, a 13 1/2 hour day? Never mind that I wouldn't have been any fun for me or my family the next day. The whole weekend shot.

No thanks. I don't need the money that badly.

This is exactly why I stopped doing wedding gigs. No gig is worth blocking out an entire Saturday (and a Sunday for recuperation).

 

[pglaser01]

I get what your saying but from the beginning I was very much like "this is what I'm willing to do, if that's not ok, then let me know and find someone else who is into what you're doing" For the deep cuts thing, that's a hardline for me. Never seen it do anything other than run people off

Honestly….

you are being too rigid, and also you’re not being rigid at all. I don’t even think the question “Am I too rigid?” Is a good question to ask.

Your time and your commitments mean one thing to you, and something totally different to them. Their time and commitments mean one thing to them and something totally different to you. I don’t think you’re being rigid, but I don’t think they’re being rigid overall.

You all just don’t align with each other much it seems. But that doesn’t make anyone right or wrong. It just is what it is…..I think if this isn’t matching up to your needs, time to go. No sense forcing yourself to play in a band where you’re not enjoying it and possibly causing stress on other parts of your life.

Like you said….no deep cuts, it’s just a coverband

 

[Minimalist]

That depends on a lot of factors, not the least of which is supply and demand for bass players.

I play bass, sing about a third of our lead vocals, sing harmony on pretty much everything I don't sing lead on, own the lights, own most of our cables, provide the rehearsal space, and keep the jam room fridge stocked with all of their favorite beer.

I imagine my band would have to replace me with at least two people.

I'm the one who refuses to play long-distance gigs. I'm the one who will only rehearse (at most) a half dozen times a year. My daughters are 10 and 12. I'll never get this time back. I'll be an empty nester in about 8 years. Maybe we can do something different then. But for now I'm not budging. If they think they can replace me, they have my blessings.

Short version: If I were to "move on", I would be surprised if my band kept going. So that would NOT be best for everyone, would it?

That sounds like you are bribing your bandmates.

 

[pepj]

Yep, I'd say too rigid.
However, flexibility cuts both ways.
You should rehearse or get together when needs arise. I'd personal hate a weekend rehearsal etc, but if needs must.
What I couldn't be bothering with would be waste of time gatherings if everyone's time is a premium, which I'd assume it would be

 

[51PRI]

I think You got too high at the beginning. I understand that You didn't want to play covers, but about timing for rehearsals and gigs - it should be considered by the band together, not You or BL only.

I disagree. A band should ideally all be on the same page but that should ideally be discussed and agreed upon in the beginning, as the OP's was.

So why is it ok for you to have weekends as a non-starter but I can't have weeknights as a non-starter?....

That's perfectly reasonable.

 

[Marko 1]

I'd do the right thing for everyone and quit. Let them fly their own way. But good luck finding a serious band that will agree to your rules.

Everybody isn't looking to be in a "serious band".

For my bandmates and me, it's just a hobby to add a bit of spice to our retirement years, not a job.

Alls ya gotta do is find others with similar life situations.

 

[LBS-bass]

Everybody isn't looking to be in a "serious band".

For my bandmates and me, it's just a hobby to add a bit of spice to our retirement years, not a job.

Alls ya gotta do is find others with similar life situations.

This is the bottom line. You have to find people whose restrictions are similar to yours. The weekends only thing is going to make that tough, but not impossible (I hope). It's not that it's wrong, it's just unusual and therefor a harder thing to find people who are in agreement.

 

[pepj]

Near the top of the list getting people on board is marrying what they want to do against what others will do.

Playing every and any gig is going to work for some and definitely not for others.
That is why every gig is run by the guys and anyone can veto for whatever reason. But you need to have decent reason otherwise you stopped asking or getting asked.
You need a considered and compatible group of people to call on.
If you get known for dumping certain things, you'll lose those that can afford to be picky and mostly, they are the best players and can afford to be.

 

[jnuts1]

Yep. Wedding in Durham. Required that we be set up and out of the way by 3 p.m. Band set 7-11. So I would have had to leave my house about 10:30 a.m. and would have gotten home around 2 a.m.

I would have cost me about a hundred in gas. Food for the day (except dinner).

Plus, a 13 1/2 hour day? Never mind that I wouldn't have been any fun for me or my family the next day. The whole weekend shot.

No thanks. I don't need the money that badly.

saturday isnt the entire weekend. doing something saturday should not ruin your sunday unless you ruin it yourself. also 3pm is a great set up time for a wedding. they are usually noon.

 

[PauFerro]

When musicians have a lot of conditions on joining the band, I usually pass on the musician. As a band leader I have enough to worry about without meeting all the conditions of each band member. I want flexibility so I can do what I do best -- keep the band working regularly at decent rates of pay.