Am I too rigid?

[johniecid]

It seems like most of these types of posts are really about boundaries for healthy life balances.

It's good to set boundaries.
It's okay to move your own boundaries if you decide to.
It's okay to stick with them.

Too often we see boundaries as a way of defining what is in them instead of a way of defining what we are keeping ourselves from going into. A Band is for enjoyment. Violating personal boundaries to go into something that is unhealthy is not being rigid, it is self care.

But others don't have to respect our life boundaries/balances. And they get to determine their own. If bandmates are truly friends, we can have this conversation openly and talk about life. If bandmates are merely coworkers, they aren't entitled to our well-being and it can just be time to move. With that said, we aren't entitled to their's either. It's a give and take. At some point, the give may be too much and that is okay.

But no matter what... openness and dialogue. Otherwise you will just be the source of discontentment among everyone if you are unwilling to name a boundary you set for yourself.

 

[BobDeRosa]

I'd do the right thing for everyone and quit. Let them fly their own way. But good luck finding a serious band that will agree to your rules.

 

[fishdude101101]

I'd do the right thing for everyone and quit. Let them fly their own way. But good luck finding a serious band that will agree to your rules.

I'm not going to have a broken heart without a band.

 

[2thAche]

So, there's absolutely no nuance in your life? No grey area? Everything is or isn't.

K din. I'm guessing you aren't married.

When I interview someone, and they are vigorous about "I don't do drama", it's always followed by stories of all the drama they're involved in at their present job. Somehow, they always have drama, yet they don't do drama. Hmm, what's the common denominator? People who don't do drama never have to say "I don't do drama", or ask if they're too dramatic.

Yes I'm married, and I'm absolutely not black/white about anything. I just know people.

 

[JRA]

Am I too rigid?
for them? = yes.

 

[BobDeRosa]

I'm not going to have a broken heart without a band.

Life is all about priorities and you've established yours. That's good.

 

[Headless horse]

I think You got too high at the beginning. I understand that You didn't want to play covers, but about timing for rehearsals and gigs - it should be considered by the band together, not You or BL only.

 

[Savage_Dreams]

Thats fine that you had these things discussed up front. doesnt mean peoples idea of what they want out of it wont change over time. will it really be a happy situation for the group if you just dig in and force the situation to remain the same? things change, if it doesnt work for you, you may need to make a choice.

 

[jnuts1]

you are def being too rigid. this is a great way to not work with anyone. 1 rigid guy is just a pain if everyone else is flexible and easy to work with.

no weeknight rehearsals at all? this is a little much. sometimes you just need to get together for something and nights are literally the best time since most everone works in the day. killing weekends to fit your rehearsal schedule is crazy. weekend rehearsals are a complete non-starter for me.

im not a deep cuts fan at all but there are some gems out there that really get everyone going.

1hr away is not very far. it takes 30-40 minutes to get to a gig in the city i live in.

 

[jnuts1]

No, you did exactly what I did. I laid down a list of demands as a condition of joining my band as well.

I won't travel more than 30 miles for ANY gig. I have flatly turned down a few weddings that paid a few grand (and we're not a pro wedding band) because they were 60 or 80 miles away.

I'm just like you with the no deep cuts rule. Nobody wants to hear that stuff. Now, we do often play some smash hits that most bar bands don't play. But they're instantly recognizable songs.

Rehearsals are sparse. They are more social events than work sessions. They are at my home. They will include food and adult beverages. We still usually knock out half a dozen or so songs. But we also eat great and laugh a LOT. (Also, if it's baseball season, and the Red Sox are playing, the big screen TV at the far end of my jam room WILL have the game on.)

Stand your ground. Be advised, they may look for someone else. That would be OK by me if my band decided to do that. My daughters are 10 and 13. They are both volleyball stars and both sing in the chorus at school. I'm never going to get this time back with them. They are my #1. The band (as much as I love them) are a DISTANT second or third in my life.

you turned down thousands of dollars because of 60-80 miles. not only would i fire you i would take your bass away!!

 

[jnuts1]

Well, you think they will. Your market might surprise you. I can't say I remember another time I got better applause than the last time we played Bodhisattva a few years back. My Old School is also another verifiable winner. Have played it countless times, and always to great response.

What people don't seem to understand is that audiences LOVE a good surprise. They want to hear familiar music, but the comments I hear most about the bands I'm in that play this stuff are about how pleasantly surprised they are that we're not playing the same old stuff. "I can't believe you played that. No one plays that!" is the kind of thing I hear all the time. And people come back because they know we'll surprise them again and again. It's what works.

But I share this with others and they react like you did. It's fine, it can stay my secret. It's quite successful and I'm quite glad to not have to compete much with this because it gives my audience a clear destination on the nights we play

the surprise stuff really kills. a long time ago in another bandverse we used to bust out hall and oats and stuff random stuff nobody hears anymore and the dance floor just flips out and the dance floor fills up

 

[LBS-bass]

Short version: If I were to "move on", I would be surprised if my band kept going. So that would NOT be best for everyone, would it?

Yep. I'm in a similar position with one band. There's no official bandleader, but I do the bulk of the organizing. I I sing harmonies on everything, and the band features our harmonies- it's one of our two main selling points, the other being song selection.

I take care of our mailing list, pay for things like business cards and t-shirts (they could help do this but I prefer not to argue over design details and i can afford it, so I just do it myself). I play bass, of course, and sing lead on a subset of songs. Most importantly though is that we practice at my house, and I have been the most aggressive at getting people out to see that band, paying to advertise shows, and working the crowd, and I'm the only one who has a fan page, so there's a small but not insignificant subset of people who come to see us because they see my ads and they like how I front the band.

I've also been the most adamant member about holding ourselves to standards that help ensure we are successful.

I've actually thought about quitting many times. The band could survive without me if they could find another practice space, but whether they'd want to do all the things I do is questionable, and what it would evolve into is also questionable. They'd likely need to hire another person just to do harmonies - the last band I left hired two people - and I can see them devolving into a band that does a lot of tired, moldy songs, mostly because they always bring them up and I always knock them down. They aren't out there the way I am, and they honestly don't know how tired "Cinnamon Girl" is. But I do, and I won't be pigeonholed into becoming just like every other band out there. That's not what our fans come out for.

Nobody in that band is irreplaceable, but it would be challenging to replace any of us.

I play in three other bands; two of them could replace me in a heartbeat, and that would be fine. One would probably be a little sadder if I left, but they'd get by. But the one band would probably fold.

 

[fishdude101101]

you are def being too rigid. this is a great way to not work with anyone. 1 rigid guy is just a pain if everyone else is flexible and easy to work with.

no weeknight rehearsals at all? this is a little much. sometimes you just need to get together for something and nights are literally the best time since most everone works in the day. killing weekends to fit your rehearsal schedule is crazy. weekend rehearsals are a complete non-starter for me.

im not a deep cuts fan at all but there are some gems out there that really get everyone going.

1hr away is not very far. it takes 30-40 minutes to get to a gig in the city i live in.

So why is it ok for you to have weekends as a non-starter but I can't have weeknights as a non-starter?I don't want to do weeknights BECAUSE I work all day. Why is it ok for them to kill my week nights? I've done it before, but I don't like doing it.

I will drive 3 hours to a gig. I'm just not going to setup a PA. I wanted to clarify that.

 

[Rebel Rocker]

Things change over time. What worked 2 years ago might not work now. We do a 1 night a week practice, usually a Friday night (unless we're gigging that weekend). That way it still keeps our weekend free. We have been together a couple of years now so if we are learning a new song, we do our homework and just put it together at practice. I'm sure you know with a band it's a lot of give and take.

 

[jnuts1]

So why is it ok for you to have weekends as a non-starter but I can't have weeknights as a non-starter?I don't want to do weeknights BECAUSE I work all day. Why is it ok for them to kill my week nights? I've done it before, but I don't like doing it.

I will drive 3 hours to a gig. I'm just not going to setup a PA. I wanted to clarify that.

everybody works all day. thats not special in any way. the weekends are eveyones free days where they get everything done like chores and errands. you know life stuff you cant get done during the week.

 

[fishdude101101]

the surprise stuff really kills. a long time ago in another bandverse we used to bust out hall and oats and stuff random stuff nobody hears anymore and the dance floor just flips out and the dance floor fills up

I wasn't saying people don't like a surprise, they do, but it has to be something that they want to hear, right? I know our crowd and most of them have never heard these songs. I don't mean to harp on the examples given but its just not the right fit. They are 80's and 90's kids and I think many of the people on this site might be playing for a bit of an older crowd than we do. We've found that once we go pre-1980's, with rare exceptions, the material falls flat. We occasionally play "Send Me On My Way" and I've had a few people say "wow can't believe you guys did that, nobody plays that anymore".

 

[LBS-bass]

So why is it ok for you to have weekends as a non-starter but I can't have weeknights as a non-starter?

Most people in bands do gigs on weekends. That's the most common reason, but the second common reason is that it's family time. Can't speak for the guy you quoted, but those are the obvious differences to me.

You not wanting to do weeknights speaks to a diminished commitment and a low level of priority, since there's nothing about playing the music that propels you out of the house after a work day, whereas for the others that is not a big deal.

Just about everyone I play music with shows up to rehearse after work. That's what people usually do.

As I said in an earlier post, this is a very unusual boundary that probably wouldn't work out for most of us as a practical reality. I'm gigging mostly on Friday and Saturday nights; Sundays are for friends and family outside of music.

Scheduling rehearsals with your band would be next to impossible for me. But maybe your band's goal is not to do shows.

 

[jnuts1]

I wasn't saying people don't like a surprise, they do, but it has to be something that they want to hear, right? I know our crowd and most of them have never heard these songs. I don't mean to harp on the examples given but its just not the right fit. They are 80's and 90's kids and I think many of the people on this site might be playing for a bit of an older crowd than we do. We've found that once we go pre-1980's, with rare exceptions, the material falls flat. We occasionally play "Send Me On My Way" and I've had a few people say "wow can't believe you guys did that, nobody plays that anymore".

yeah those are deep cut surprises everyone wants. all of the crappiest 70's 80' and 90's stuff kills. even if they didnt love it back then they do now. im surprised at all of the songs i used to hate that i now really enjoy. a lot of the audience is that way too.

 

[fishdude101101]

everybody works all day. thats not special in any way. the weekends are eveyones free days where they get everything done like chores and errands. you know life stuff you cant get done during the week.

Not saying its special, just saying what I don't want to do. Practicing on weekend means loading gear, taking it to work with me, etc. I honestly just don't want to be gone 6am-10pm on those days. I have things that I have to go home and do, like feed pets, let them outside to use the bathroom on weeknights. That's my "life stuff". When we do Friday gigs I end up taking the day off work to accomdate.

If I drive home to do these things and then go to practice I'm adding in a 1.5 hour round trip and pretty much driving back to the same place I was just at to work and not getting to practice until 7pm. Then those guys want to be done by a certain time, which I get. For them its sit at home all day then go to practice. Then they're like "can we start at 4pm?" No because I'm still working at that time. When we do have a weeknight rehearsal I was stipulate I can do 6pm-9pm that's it.

 

[fishdude101101]

Most people in bands do gigs on weekends. That's the most common reason, but the second common reason is that it's family time. Can't speak for the guy you quoted, but those are the obvious differences to me.

You not wanting to do weeknights speaks to a diminished commitment and a low level of priority, since there's nothing about playing the music that propels you out of the house after a work day, whereas for the others that is not a big deal.

Just about everyone I play music with shows up to rehearse after work. That's what people usually do.

As I said in an earlier post, this is a very unusual boundary that probably wouldn't work out for most of us as a practical reality. I'm gigging mostly on Friday and Saturday nights; Sundays are for friends and family outside of music.

Scheduling rehearsals with your band would be next to impossible for me. But maybe your band's goal is not to do shows.

I get what you're saying an I agree. It is a lower priority for me and that is why I told them where I stood when I started. I've compromised many times. I think my real issue with it is when they want to do it on weeknights, they have to be more understanding of my schedule. They routinely want to start at 4pm, and ask if me every time if I can do that and I always say no I can't be there until 6pm and I want to be done at 9pm. It would not be such a bone to pick if they could just keep it in their heads for the next time.