Anyone ever have their child go to prison?

[DWBass]

My son did something really bad while drug and alcohol induced and may face some serious time. My wife and I are devastated but trying to remain strong and optimistic! But we also have to be prepared for the worst!

Anyone else here in this position or been there/experienced this?

 

[Killed_by_Death]

Be as supportive as you can.
My cousin was set to go to jail, for a while, on a drug possession & intent to distribute charge.
His parents turned their back on him & he committed suicide the day before his trial.
My aunt is a shell of who she used to be.

 

[blastoff99]

I would encourage you to check around for churches and other institutions who have prison ministries and advocacy groups, as well as resources for parents. You are not the only ones to go through this, and I bet that people who have been in your shoes will be happy to assist as you start down this road (that you'd rather not be on!).

I have a friend who did serious time (20+) and was released ten years ago. I didn't know that people who did what he was convicted of (and did indeed do) ever got out. But he is out. He's married, has a kid, a job, a mortgage... you know, normal human problems. When I look at him, I don't think 'Dude did ________.' I think 'Man, he did a really nice job landscaping his front yard.'

Once, I asked him how he survived, how he got out of prison as a reasonably well-adjusted person who did integrate back into society. Here's what he said: 'I made the decision on the bus on the way to prison that I was not going to be involved in drugs at all, even though with my history and my connections I could have been the kingpin. Every time I was presented with an opportunity to do something to make myself better, I did it - as well as I could, as many times as they'd let me. I worked with a psychologist. I did every job I could get my hands on. I read as much as I could. And I stayed out of trouble.'

My friend also said that if you're in for 7+ years, you'll have more opportunities than if you're there for a shorter amount of time. The wheels move very slowly in the prison system, so a person in for a 'short' stay won't be seen as someone who will have the time to get through various educational and vocational training programs as someone who's in for longer.

Hope that helps a little. Oh, and don't play dominoes with your son when he gets out. I made that mistake with my friend. Let's say he's had some practice.

 

[kesslari]

Funkfather, I haven't experienced it but am sending prayers and good energy to him and to you and the rest of your family.

 

[Jazz Ad]

If it happens, all I can say is, focus on what will happen when he gets out.
It is very difficult for prisoners to project themselves into their future.
Prison can be a good time to prepare to anything but it's difficult to build up goals while in there.
If your son can find a sense to his life and have projects, he will do fine during his time.
Good luck these are tough moments.

 

[DWBass]

I appreciate the words of encouragement and prayers! It means a lot. This year has been a rough one for us. I also lost my job in June. I should be working soon (security protocol) but trying to pay for a lawyer is draining our resources. These dam retainers are good for one court session each (WTH)! Don't even know what it'll cost if the case goes to trial. Will have to go second mortgage on the house. Not to mention the sucky bands and musicians I get to play with! Man, I'm tired. 5 years away from retirement and 2016 happened! SMDH!

 

[catcauphonic]

I came to here to make a joke by saying "my parents have," but that was a long time ago, & country jail is much different from state prison.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Without knowing the gory details, I'm hoping this somehow turns as positive as possible for you all

 

[Gorn]

I don't have kids but I was once a kid that did something very stupid with drugs and very nearly spent a good amount of time in prison. My parents were angry but did everything necessary to keep me out of prison. Through their support, a ludicrously expensive lawyer, overcrowded courts, and a district attorney and judge who must've been in a good mood that day, I got off relatively Scott free and I'm not a convicted felon today. My father explained to me that I used my one shot. He loved me and he did what he had to this time. He said if there's a next time, no matter how serious or minor the charge, no matter how much my mother begged and pleaded with him to go save their baby boy, he'd let me go to jail. I believed him, promised him it wouldn't happen, and have been a law abiding non-idiot ever since.

A good lawyer and luck is your kids only shot. I hope you can put the funds together. Good luck.

 

[Stewie26]

I don't have kids but I was once a kid that did something very stupid with drugs and very nearly spent a good amount of time in prison. My parents were angry but did everything necessary to keep me out of prison. Through their support, a ludicrously expensive lawyer, overcrowded courts, and a district attorney and judge who must've been in a good mood that day, I got off relatively Scott free and I'm not a convicted felon today. My father explained to me that I used my one shot. He loved me and he did what he had to this time. He said if there's a next time, no matter how serious or minor the charge, no matter how much my mother begged and pleaded with him to go save their baby boy, he'd let me go to jail. I believed him, promised him it wouldn't happen, and have been a law abiding non-idiot ever since.

A good lawyer and luck is your kids only shot. I hope you can put the funds together. Good luck.

Sounds like you father was/is a very wise man. Just sayin.

 

[Gorn]

Sounds like you father was a very wise man. Just sayin.

My father's a brilliant man. I'd be better off today if I had listened to his advice more when I was a young idiot.

Some parents will bail their kids out over and over or not bail them out the first time. My dad made it clear. He broke it down clearly and logically with no room for misunderstanding.

"I'm pissed. I'm disappointed. I never expected this from you. But I'll help you. Once. Just once. Do you hear me? Tell me that you hear me. I will not help you again. You understand me? You're own your own next time."

I never saw my father that serious before or after. It was a....sobering experience.

 

[Stewie26]

My father's a brilliant man. I'd be better off today if I had listened to his advice more when I was a young idiot.

Some parents will bail their kids out over and over or not bail them out the first time. My dad made it clear. He broke it down clearly and logically with no room for misunderstanding.

"I'm pissed. I'm disappointed. I never expected this from you. But I'll help you. Once. Just once. Do you hear me? Tell me that you hear me. I will not help you again. You understand me? You're own your own next time."

I never saw my father that serious before or after. It was a....sobering experience.

Perhaps the OP will read your post and say the above the words to their own son. I do not have kids either, but if I were in the same situation as OP, I would do as your father had done. It seemed to work for you as a life changer and make you rethink your life and what really maters. Anyway, carry on.

 

[Gorn]

Perhaps the OP will read your post and say the above the words to their own son. I do not have kids either, but if I were in the same situation as OP, I would do as your father had done. It seemed to work for you as a life changer and make you rethink your life and what really maters. Anyway, carry on.

It's funny. Over the last few years as I'm getting a little older, there are the moments when I'd say to myself "holy ****, I'm turning into my father."

That thought used to annoy me and now, I wonder if I have what it takes to turn into my father. He saved my life.

@DWBass

My dad's speech and a good lawyer are your kid's only shot, IMO. I don't know if this is his first offense but if it is, unless he committed a violent crime, he could end up okay. It's all about the lawyer and a 15 second conversation he'll have after saying "your honor, may I approach?" It's an expensive game that must be played.

 

[hrodbert696]

I have not been through this. There have been times I worried I would. I can only hope for the best for you and your son.

 

[tycobb73]

My drummers son spent some time in jail, months I think. Didn't really do anything for him. He always treats me with respect but goes through jobs like candy even though he has an infant child. Constantly takes advantage of his dad's willingness to help him. And his dad is an awesome guy but dirt poor even if he didn't have to bail out his son. The son doesn't get it. Now there's a bench warrant because he's not complying with probation so he's probably going back.

 

[pacojas]

yup, @DWBass
my oldest son did a couple years in prison after not learning his lesson in County. he was an ordinary kid selling weed to his friends. pretty soon he was pulling about $20k/month and i wasn't the wiser.
until he got popped!
during a short stay locally, the judge shipped him far, far away to do 2 years with the big dawgs. believe me,.. mentally our entire family was in prison, as well. i rejected close friends and wore a screwface until his release. i didn't realize how miserable i was until he came home. before he left, we talked a lot about having "hope" and not losing it.
upon his release i gave him a few months to breathe then pushed him back into the real world. he wanted to close everyone out thinking his arrest record would kill his chances at success. in less than 2 years he has started his own small business and enjoys being a model citizen.
last year he bought himself a very nice birthday gift with money he earned legitimately and i couldn't be prouder!
i feel you on these lawyer fee's and court cost. it's a game, imo. the more money you spend the less time your son will receive in most instances. the amount of weed and money that was seized allowed the court to sentence him to 4 years. we fired the first lawyer, thank God. the second lawyer was great and schooled the judge, forcing her to amend the sentence to just shrt of 2 years.
constant communication and adding cash to his books made for an easier stay, but the mental trauma is unavoidable, imo.
sending positive energy to you, your son, and family.

he still looks like a weed dealer, but walking dogs for rich people is quite lucrative. he does photography and web authoring on the side.
hang in there, Bro!

 

[DWBass]

Again, I appreciate all the comments. My son is 22 so he's an adult and is being treated as such. So I can only do but so much! We will provide support and continue to fund a lawyer as best as we can. We're also hoping for dropped charges or a reduction in charges but we are being realistic and preparing for the worst. We'll see.

 

[Aberdumbie]

Well.... I wish I could say I was Gorn's dad. My son should have gone to jail. I succumbed to my wife. Hired lawyers and stood in front of judges. My son got away with his wrists slapped. Now several years later I can say he did not learn the lesson that needed to be learned. So the heartbreak continues on many levels. In hindsight.... I should have let him "clean his own mess" as it were. I don't know that there is a right or wrong answer. Ultimately we do what our heart leads us to do. I would recommend help for yourself and wife as the stress this puts on a marriage is unimaginable. Best of luck.

 

[ChrisB2]

Sorry to hear this @DWBass , good luck to the you and your family.

 

[ChrisB2]

Well.... I wish I could say I was Gorn's dad. My son should have gone to jail. I succumbed to my wife. Hired lawyers and stood in front of judges. My son got away with his wrists slapped. Now several years later I can say he did not learn the lesson that needed to be learned. So the heartbreak continues on many levels. In hindsight.... I should have let him "clean his own mess" as it were. I don't know that there is a right or wrong answer. Ultimately we do what our heart leads us to do. I would recommend help for yourself and wife as the stress this puts on a marriage is unimaginable. Best of luck.

 

[Reo]

I have much respect for the way Gorn's dad handled his situation. My brother had a problem with burgling cars to the point where I can remember him being brought home by the police on at least three occasions when he was in high school and I was in elementary/jr high. My parents bailed him out every time, usually "borrowing" money from my grandparents. Eventually it caught up with him and he was sentenced to 90 days in county about a week after he finished (note: not graduated) high school.

He was picked up at least one more time after that and bailed out again. He learned nothing except dependence on my dad. He is now 38 and the only time in his life he hasn't lived in my dad's house is the 90 days he did in jail. Wish my parents would have given him an ultimatum after the first arrest. His and their lives would be better for it.