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Babies and Bands
- Thread starter Odinbass
- Start date
Been there, done that - it is hard to keep "your life" once you have kids. My wife has also been kind and understanding, so I managed to keep playing in my gigging band until that died of natural causes. What for me was a lot harder was to get a new band started, never mind gigging (I still do a little, as a gun-for-hire). I would say grit your teeth, hang in there and keep your band going (it's your lifeline!) until your child is a bit older: don't worry, it gets easier as they get older, and your life comes back!
You really need to practice 3 times a month in a cover band?? Knock that down to once a month, and gigs down to twice a month and you have twice as much free time if I mathed that correctly
Rehearsals are the issue. 2 or 3 nights a month is not a huge deal. 6 or 7 including rehearsals is a game changer. At 7 you are almost gone every 4th night. No way. You guys have been together 10 years? You email each other about a new song or two. Find time to learn your parts (which you can do after the kid is asleep and you have payed some attention to mama). Run the new songs at sound check. Done. I played in a pro band for a decade. We did 2 or 3 rehearsals a year during our intentionally slow month of January. The rest of the year we didn't rehearse at all. Zero. No need for it if your band members don't suck. Run new songs at sound check.
So, have a talk with the band. Tell them the deal and see where they are. If they agree to drop rehearsals for the most part, then sit down and negotiate with yer baby mama. Offer her time to go hang out with her buds. Offer to take gig money and pay for a sitter so she can come to some shows. If you start the conversation with the changes you and your band mates are willing to make it should go fine.
Kids or no kids rehearsing 3 or 4 times a month with a cover band is just silly.
Congrats on the new kid! There is nothing like being a dad. It changed everything for me. The first time you show up at pre school and your kid runs from across the room screaming "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaady!!!!!!" you will feel huge. I love them goofballs.
So, have a talk with the band. Tell them the deal and see where they are. If they agree to drop rehearsals for the most part, then sit down and negotiate with yer baby mama. Offer her time to go hang out with her buds. Offer to take gig money and pay for a sitter so she can come to some shows. If you start the conversation with the changes you and your band mates are willing to make it should go fine.
Kids or no kids rehearsing 3 or 4 times a month with a cover band is just silly.
Congrats on the new kid! There is nothing like being a dad. It changed everything for me. The first time you show up at pre school and your kid runs from across the room screaming "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaady!!!!!!" you will feel huge. I love them goofballs.
Like you, I have been playing consistently for a long time. Shortly after our first son arrived, I was drafted by an old band mate to complete an original power-trio band. It was difficult at first, but my wife was extremely supportive and we had our routine down.
In the last four years, I've played with several different projects, all very different from each other. Since you are soliciting opinions, I would consider freely devoting your "spare" time to building your recording and composition skills without any concern about painting yourself into a corner... You can keep your network intact and avoid fading into obscurity. Maybe set up some manageable collaborations with people you have been hoping to play with in order to flesh out your solo work?
At any rate, congrats on fatherhood. Eight months is a big deal and the best is yet to come!
Father of two high-school boys here.
You will never, EVER regret placing your child at the center of your life.
Keep your music contacts, play when you can—you NEED to keep your personal balance to be the best you can be for your child and family. I learned this the hard way (but I'm better now!).
Change is part of life, and you're in for a lot of it. You know how they say being a parent is all about sacrificing? It begins here. Good luck, good vibes, and best wishes for health and happiness.
You will never, EVER regret placing your child at the center of your life.
Keep your music contacts, play when you can—you NEED to keep your personal balance to be the best you can be for your child and family. I learned this the hard way (but I'm better now!).
Change is part of life, and you're in for a lot of it. You know how they say being a parent is all about sacrificing? It begins here. Good luck, good vibes, and best wishes for health and happiness.
First off, congrats! I also have an 8 month old daughter and she is my everything. It's been really hard for me and my wife because we both have stressful/busy jobs and, until this month (yay!), I have been in college plus practicing with a band that doesn't play out very often as of right now, but still practices at least once a week. It definitely causes some tension because I have other hobbies I want to work on, but my time has been eaten up and we barely get any time alone as it is. Now that I have finished my last class (again, yay!) I want to get back into working with electronics. Specifically, I want to build some pedals either from scratch or a BYOC kit. I know, however, that if I want to do that I'm going to only have maybe a couple of hours a month to work on them because I need to spend time with my wife and daughter. If I really want to build pedals, I'll find the time and it will by my "me time". If I don't, then I'll have a semi-expensive paperweight. If you love gigging, then probably should find something else to dial back on. I hope my rambling helps a little.
When my first was born I dialed it WAY back. I took the day job, and found a cover band that rehearsed once a week and gigged about twice a month. It was great for 9 years. I also made it a point to support the wife when she went to night school and made sure she had time to do the stuff she wanted.
All about balance.
All about balance.
+1
This...
My daughter just turned one. I had to severely dial back the gigging to a show with my originals band every couple of months or so.
I've never been successful enough with music to quit my day job, so I didn't need the money or anything.
Do I miss the "two or three shows a week, lifestyle?" Yeah, sometimes, but I know I would miss my family a whole lot more if I were out at a bar playing.
And, in response to your bedroom musician comment, I still practice each and every day and work on new skills and material. Woodsheding is essential to every real musician. I personally think the people who go out and play with the attitude, "I play what I play and I already know enough to get by..." Are hacks. (No offense...alright, maybe a little. Lol) maybe not hacks, but more performers than musicians. Anyway, my point is, I've still been learning about music and playing bass even though I'm not gigging regularly.
Roland GR 88
Commercial User
I put everything on hold when my son was born. Anything that could get poked, spilled upon or otherwise gunked up went into the closet. Not being a social whore or having dreams of stardom I found giving up the bands quite easy. To stay in the game I started building a home studio one piece at a time. It took a while but by the time I was done he was old enough not to poke out tweeters or shove crackers into the CD tray. A couple of moves later and we're in a big house with a big studio. He's 11 and plays piano, trumpet and is a pretty good wanker on the guitar - ie; loud, fast and terrible.
I look back and don't regret a thing. The time spent with the little bugger is priceless. The two of us are tight like brothers and his memories and experiences will serve him well for a lifetime.
You get one chance to make a difference with your children and if you miss it you'll never get another. Bar bands are a dime a dozen and will always be there whether your 30, 55 or 75.
As far the disconnect from reality goes....yes, the stuff we play will never see the light of day but that's not the point for me. To hear "Geez Dad, that was awesome lets do it again" is worth more than I can describe.
I look back and don't regret a thing. The time spent with the little bugger is priceless. The two of us are tight like brothers and his memories and experiences will serve him well for a lifetime.
You get one chance to make a difference with your children and if you miss it you'll never get another. Bar bands are a dime a dozen and will always be there whether your 30, 55 or 75.
As far the disconnect from reality goes....yes, the stuff we play will never see the light of day but that's not the point for me. To hear "Geez Dad, that was awesome lets do it again" is worth more than I can describe.
My wife does a bit of photography for people on the side. Family pictures and the like. It always lands on Saturday & Sunday, often right before or after a 3 am night for me. Meaning I'll have kid duties on the weekend as well.
Whenever shes hesitant about taking one, I assure her "it's fine, only fair, this is YOUR gig." The extra money doesn't hurt as well.
- Mar 19, 2013
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- If only I were that good....
I hear the OP. I have a 6 month old, planning on having more. I'm also in two cover bands (though 1 has been on a year break basically because 3 of us had kids around the same time), and my job requires I travel about 75% of the time!!! Needless to say my wife is fantastic and extremely understanding. To the OP, what helps best is if you have a SET schedule regarding practices, I.e same day same time, it makes it easier on both of you if there is an expectation. Gigs are usually known a ways ahead of time, so you should be able to communicate and work that out.
But kids come first, I know if I had to, which I probably will, I'll drop one of my bands. Don't feel bad about it though, it's your life and your family! Do what makes you happy!
But kids come first, I know if I had to, which I probably will, I'll drop one of my bands. Don't feel bad about it though, it's your life and your family! Do what makes you happy!
I used to think I wanted to focus all my spare time just playing music. However, what makes me more productive in all aspects of my life these days is getting some regular exercise everyday.
It makes me fit, sleep better, nurtures more healthy appetite, increased fluid intake, I am able to focus better at my business, parenting and music (in my limited spare time).
Yah, balanced lifestyle is pretty important IMO. Occasional late night Talkbassing is my only guilty pleasure. I wanna know more about tort, flats and pbass.
It makes me fit, sleep better, nurtures more healthy appetite, increased fluid intake, I am able to focus better at my business, parenting and music (in my limited spare time).
Yah, balanced lifestyle is pretty important IMO. Occasional late night Talkbassing is my only guilty pleasure. I wanna know more about tort, flats and pbass.
While I don't consider myself a bedroom musician, I guess I'm wondering exactly what you are classifying as a bedroom musician. If by that you mean someone with thousands of dollars of gear who just sits there with their computer or stereo and plays RHCP covers, yes, I would say they are certainly missing something. If you're talking about writing and recording an album yourself, in this day and age with SoundCloud, Reverbnation, and Pure Volume that's actually not something entirely negative.
Producing and tweaking your own music can be something very addictive as well, especially with how much control it renders to you over the process. You could write/record an entire album, post it online, gain some traction and eventually have people that want to play YOUR music with you. It's also a great way to keep track of ideas if you ever break into an originals band. Only problem is, you get very used to being your own boss and co-worker, sometimes it can make you very possessive over the song creation process. I tend to get into visionary mode and don't like being interrupted in the process, this is why I typically do creative recording on my own to flesh out my ideas. Still though, it can keep your playing very sharp (or even improve it) and it's a great creative outlet. Pretty cool to have other people say they dig your music when you post it online as well
You need to align your priorities, in my case: My wife and kids are my priority number one, my career is number two, everything else comes after that.
Playing a church gig is the way to satisfy my hunger for music. It is a gig that my family attend every time.
I got an email 10 minutes ago from our leader, I am going to share it with you, there are several other fathers making the right decisions ( imho):
"..I trust you are well and enjoying the Christmas season. As most of you know by now, I have resigned my position as Music Pastor. The main driving force behind this decision was the growing needs of my family in terms of time and attention. While I have enjoyed my time in this position, I have come to the realization that I can no longer manage this role with all the time and attention it deserves and still manage my family needs. So I simply wanted to take a moment here to convey my deepest gratitude for each of you and your service to this area of ministry.
I am going to miss our ministry times together but at the same time am excited for this new season both in my personal life and in the life of our church body. I have cherished the experiences and relationships formed with you all over the last eight years and look forward to thanking you all in person over the next several weeks''
Playing a church gig is the way to satisfy my hunger for music. It is a gig that my family attend every time
.I got an email 10 minutes ago from our leader, I am going to share it with you, there are several other fathers making the right decisions ( imho):
"..I trust you are well and enjoying the Christmas season. As most of you know by now, I have resigned my position as Music Pastor. The main driving force behind this decision was the growing needs of my family in terms of time and attention. While I have enjoyed my time in this position, I have come to the realization that I can no longer manage this role with all the time and attention it deserves and still manage my family needs. So I simply wanted to take a moment here to convey my deepest gratitude for each of you and your service to this area of ministry.
I am going to miss our ministry times together but at the same time am excited for this new season both in my personal life and in the life of our church body. I have cherished the experiences and relationships formed with you all over the last eight years and look forward to thanking you all in person over the next several weeks''
This is me as well. have 2 children (2yo and 8 months). I play in 2.5 bands, have a day job as a high school teacher and friday nights as a bartender. we usually play saturday nights 2-3 times a month, some thursday and sunday gigs. practice is about every other week. i try to do one band one week and the other the next week. some weeks we have 2 rehearsals a week but that gets tough. I am able to make it work for a few reasons that most can't. here they are:
1. all rehearsals are in my basement - full practice space/recording studio downstairs
2. my wife sings in one of my bands
3. my wife is the oldest of NINE kids - most live in our town so we have lots of babysitters available
4. my wife stays at home
5. i do nothing else but - teach, hang out with children, clean the house, bartend, play music, sleep and eat. - that's the sacrifice
6. being a teacher gets me home at 3:30pm = lots of time to spend with the kids during the week.
7. most gigs are after bedtime = kids aren't missing daddy time.
with that said, i am trying to figure out my exit strategy from my one band (the one my wife is not in). this one conflicts sometimes with parenting. many of our gigs are day or evening spots that are over an hour away. this takes me away from the kids and wife on saturdays during the day for little money. not too bad now but as the kids get older and are not napping most of that time, but in a few years, i'll want to be doing stuff with them and not this band.
1. all rehearsals are in my basement - full practice space/recording studio downstairs
2. my wife sings in one of my bands
3. my wife is the oldest of NINE kids - most live in our town so we have lots of babysitters available
4. my wife stays at home
5. i do nothing else but - teach, hang out with children, clean the house, bartend, play music, sleep and eat. - that's the sacrifice
6. being a teacher gets me home at 3:30pm = lots of time to spend with the kids during the week.
7. most gigs are after bedtime = kids aren't missing daddy time.
with that said, i am trying to figure out my exit strategy from my one band (the one my wife is not in). this one conflicts sometimes with parenting. many of our gigs are day or evening spots that are over an hour away. this takes me away from the kids and wife on saturdays during the day for little money. not too bad now but as the kids get older and are not napping most of that time, but in a few years, i'll want to be doing stuff with them and not this band.
While I don't consider myself a bedroom musician, I guess I'm wondering exactly what you are classifying as a bedroom musician. If by that you mean someone with thousands of dollars of gear who just sits there with their computer or stereo and plays RHCP covers, yes, I would say they are certainly missing something. If you're talking about writing and recording an album yourself, in this day and age with SoundCloud, Reverbnation, and Pure Volume that's actually not something entirely negative.
Producing and tweaking your own music can be something very addictive as well, especially with how much control it renders to you over the process. You could write/record an entire album, post it online, gain some traction and eventually have people that want to play YOUR music with you. It's also a great way to keep track of ideas if you ever break into an originals band. Only problem is, you get very used to being your own boss and co-worker, sometimes it can make you very possessive over the song creation process. I tend to get into visionary mode and don't like being interrupted in the process, this is why I typically do creative recording on my own to flesh out my ideas. Still though, it can keep your playing very sharp (or even improve it) and it's a great creative outlet. Pretty cool to have other people say they dig your music when you post it online as well
OP here. Your post hit on what is really tearing up my mind. I guess my thread title made it seem like the issue is music vs family time (which it kinda is), but really it's the fact that I now have to pick one: my cover band or doing original projects and other hobbies.
My idea of a bedroom musician is what you described first; a guy who collects and obsesses over gear but never does a damn thing that's real. That's my biggest fear because I've always prided myself on being connected to real audiences and other musicians. Even if it sucks, I know it sucks because I put it to the real test, y'know? I'm worried that if I do decide to give up the cover band, I'll just end up as one of those guys sitting around jamming Rush songs on my $2000 tort pickguard Jazz Bass (lol). No offense to anyone...
The 2nd half of what you talked about is exactly what I'd hope to achieve in leaving the cover band. That is, produce my own music, get it out there, promote it, and hopefully find some traction somewhere, anywhere... with anyone! If 10 people in rural Eastern Europe like my music, I can say I created something and someone liked it. I'm happy. That would make up for sacrifices made. But it's a risk. There's a huge possibility that NO ONE will care. In these days of constant stimulation it's hard to get even a small group to give you a click and 2 minutes of time/consideration. Then it'd be like "Why did I bother?"
Been down that road with 3 kids. The best scenario I came up with was to put the band on hold for several years.
Priorities have to be made...family comes first in my game plan.
Priorities have to be made...family comes first in my game plan.
