Babies and Bands

[DrayMiles]

I didn't say non paying crap gigs cause I've never done one nor will I ever. Not sure of your "gig" situation but I've never had trouble finding or being found for gigs.
People make their own decisions based on their life choices at that given moment. If your good at what you do you can make it both work. 30 years ago I was much younger,dumber and a bit selfish. I've changed since then and spend much more time with loved ones while still gigging non crap gigs.

I agree with getting older/having kids makes you less selfish, but don't you have to be selfish somewhat in order to believe in yourself? I concur that some choices are more suited to some folks than others. I'm envious of people who have found happiness in the family thing... Not jealous, just glad they've found their magic elixir I suppose...

Regarding MY gigs...

I've had some REALLY bad ones and some ridiculously good ones! I don't care for playing out much though... The joy for me is finding a situation where I can apply it. That's where the fun is for me... That and study...

 

[Bunk McNulty]

Dude, a shrink told you, 'you come first"... Before your own children??? If you hypothetically had some???
Wow, I would put my daughter's happiness, health, wellbeing, life.... Before my own every single time without even the tiniest quantum of hesitation.
And as for the rest of my family, I put my wife's happiness before my own pretty much every time as well, all married guys do, pretty much the definition of being married.

So she comes first. That's what comes first for you, and how lucky you both are. Beautiful.

 

[MVE]

So she comes first. That's what comes first for you, and how lucky you both are. Beautiful.

I think all parents feel this way. It's pretty much the only way you can be a parent.

 

[MVE]

I imagine the point is kind of like the airplane put-on-your-own-mask-before-helping-others thing. If you are not in a healthy state / position of strength, you cannot properly serve those who depend on you and about whom you care.

Yes, I understand the concept. But I strongly disagree with it. I think your comparison to a oxygen mask on a plane is more akin to a life threatening condition like severe depression, substance addiction, or illness; not with a person's personal choice of career. You're not going to pass out and die because you'd rather be playing in a band than changing a diaper.

 

[Bunk McNulty]

I think all parents feel this way. It's pretty much the only way you can be a parent.

Alas, not every parent is a good parent.

 

[Eric_71]

Yes, I understand the concept. But I strongly disagree with it. I think your comparison to a oxygen mask on a plane is more akin to a life threatening condition like severe depression, substance addiction, or illness; not with a person's personal choice of career. You're not going to pass out and die because you'd rather be playing in a band than changing a diaper.

Eh, I think that's oversimplifying it a little bit. If you are not in an emotionally stable place in life, you might drink a bit too much, possibly do worse at your job and risk being fired, etc. It's a sliding scale, but you need to make sure you are not running yourself ragged and compromising your ability to care for others. A crumbling foundation isn't helpful.

Note that I'm not saying I come before my family in all matters in life. Just that it's a bit myopic to claim that your personal welfare should never be taken into account.

 

[AuBassMan]

I quit gigging shortly after my daughter was born in 1989. Started back up several years ago.

I've never understood the need to practice every week if gigging almost every weekend...unless working up new material. I've turned down offers from bands because of this. I mean, I love to play music...but I have other things I like to do too.....

 

[whatizitman]

..
It would certainly open up my time. I could just do casual original/recording projects as my music gig and see about dipping back into my other hobbies as well. It would be nice to have some variety again.

......One of my biggest fears is becoming a bedroom musician whose endeavors never see the light of day. No offense to anyone but I've always found those people disconnected from reality.
...

Well, I'm a bedroom musician with a distorted sense of reality. No offense taken. I stopped gigging and playing well, er, regularly with others before I had kids, so take this all with a grain of salt. I have since started playing in some projects with friends, though. It's about as far from "career" as one can get. It's mostly original, sporadic, and fun. I will say that my time for playing both at home and out have increased steadily the older the kids get, and the more regular my work schedule has become.

Hobbies are hobbies. Unless your primary income is from gigging and/or recording/producing, then the likelihood of having to rearrange things regardless of activity is high. And even then. Being a bedroom musician can take time away from family just as much as anything else. Recording in particular can keep family away. Babies/children and studios don't mix well. Just sayin'.

 

[ImNotJoel]

I have a 17 month old son and the hobby is on hold I play when I can and try and record but between work and kids bands are off the table for now. It's hard but when we have kids we must sacrifice. I hope when he's bigger to get more time.
So another bedroom warrior here just wish I had more time to be in the bedroom....not just musically.

 

[David Jayne]

Yes, I understand the concept. But I strongly disagree with it. I think your comparison to a oxygen mask on a plane is more akin to a life threatening condition like severe depression, substance addiction, or illness; not with a person's personal choice of career. You're not going to pass out and die because you'd rather be playing in a band than changing a diaper.

The 'shrink's' comment has been used out of context. It was no doubt strictly in reference to one's personal health, physical and emotional.

 

[Dogbertday]

Some musicians a generation older than I am have refered to the "parental tunnel of non gigging" I thought that was clever because tunnels have two sides.

I always tell people I have 3 full time jobs; I'm a dad, a musician, and I work at a Starbucks. music has always been a large part or all of my income. Starbucks is what I added after having my son because of the killer benefits and usually half my shift is at a time when there's no gigs and the family isnt awake yet. I whole heartedly agree with putting your family first, but a balance of making sure there's rent paid and a doctor available is part of that. ( as is peek-a-boo... Which is also VERY important).

That being said. I have very tiny amounts of time for myself outside of music... Worth it.

 

[crucislancer]

Hey guys.
I've got an 8 month old daughter at home. She's great but as you'd expect being a parent has really squashed my hobby time. It is only by my wife's good graces that I've been able to continue on with my cover band. We gig 2-3x a month and practice about as much.

While not an overly demanding band by any standard, it is enough of a job that it eats ALL of my limited fun time. Thus it's the only thing I get to do. That's been tough for me. In the past I've always had secondary music projects and had a multitude of other hobbies.

So I got to thinking, what if I dropped the cover band?

It would certainly open up my time. I could just do casual original/recording projects as my music gig and see about dipping back into my other hobbies as well. It would be nice to have some variety again.

However, I've also been gigging consistently for 10+ years. It would be hard to suddenly not have a gig coming up. I'd feel incomplete! One of my biggest fears is becoming a bedroom musician whose endeavors never see the light of day. No offense to anyone but I've always found those people disconnected from reality.

I'd love to hear from anyone who had kids and how you adapted your music career as a result! If you dialed it down to a casual thing, how did that work out? Was it like quitting heroin??

I have two kids. Ever since my first was born (2003) I've been fairly casual with music, working with bands that don't gig so much, perhaps once or twice a month. I only go with one band at a time. While my kids live with me for now, sometime in the near future my ex and I will have a 50/50 custody arrangement so I might have more time for a second project, but we'll see.

It actually works out great for me, spending time with my kids is vastly more important to me than music, but I still have time to get my music "fix". There's rarely a conflict, but when there is, the kids come first. I've gladly passed up opportunities that I would have jumped on in a heartbeat before fatherhood.

 

[Dogbertday]

Someone said it earlier that it does depend if music's a hobby or job/career and what that means as far as providing for family (which of course comes first)

 

[Off-Beat]

If you love an activity so much that it's an integral part of your life and someone takes that away that releationship might sour. If you love music and you surely love your kid don't turn your back on music you might blame your kid in the future. Tune it down. Only quit if you're fed up anyway and the kid is just tipping the scale in that direction.

 

[ThudThudThud]

Don't take this advice! as your family changes so do you for better or worse you can't expect to be the same person you were before. You and your wife are both going to have to make huge changes in your lifestyle. Your kid(s) are now your priorities and they will always come first and remember your not the only one that has to change and the fact that your wife is supporting you is great.

I think my point was that you need to find a balance that works for you. Your kid will love you no matter what you do. How will you feel about yourself when you find yourself looking at you basses and sighing with some sort of longing...?
Of course your family is important. However, you need to find the balance. Giving up your creative side can really play havoc with your peace of mind.

 

[carl h.]

You know what never crossed my mind 5 years ago when I had a trip in a life flight helicopter, gigs. When it comes down to it you know what matters. I've played everything from serenading a guy and his girl in a restaurant to domes with major acts. None of that matters when you don't know if you'll be alive in half an hour, or even five minutes from know. For me it was about reading to my kids snuggled in bed with them. Nothing else was important.

 

[brendanbassix]

I think my point was that you need to find a balance that works for you. Your kid will love you no matter what you do. How will you feel about yourself when you find yourself looking at you basses and sighing with some sort of longing...?
Of course your family is important. However, you need to find the balance. Giving up your creative side can really play havoc with your peace of mind.

my kids might always love me but being an absent father is not something I want to be. If it came down go a gig or having a night at home with my kids I would take the night at home. That's not to say there haven't been nights I've missed because of gigging or band practice but I try to be there the next night and make it up to the family because not being there would play havoc on my piece of mind. A balanced life works both ways.

Im not going to walk up to my wife and say that I was a musician before and I still need to maintain the same level of commitment now as before we had kid/s. You BOTH had kids you are both making sacrifices everyday.

Edit: As I'm writing this I'm rocking my 9week old to sleep it's 5.38 in the morning he's been up with me for a few hours, Im so tired my eyes hurt and my wife is peacefully sleeping next to me because our 2 year old will be up in two hours. Its all about both of you making sacrifices.

 

[bassbully]

kids grounded bands I have been in before and might be doing it again.

 

[AshInAmsterdam]

This is of interest to me, as we discovered we are 3 months pregnant the other day... just as I was getting into the swing of my new band. It was one of the first things we discussed - basically we've agreed that my twice weekly rehearsals are fine, one is Saturday evening so she won't be at work (when she finally goes back) and the other is on Thursdays and is only myself and the guitarist so we do a shorter, more intensive practice and song writing session so I will be home not too late.

Naturally should this become a gigging band (the ultimate goal) I might have to think twice before undertaking a tour of Europe... but if we start gigging locally, weekly or so I don't think we'll have a problem.

It's all about balance and compromise for us - but if it came to it my family would win. My dad was absent, then almost completely from when I was 10, and it cause untold issues with the family so I don't intend to do the same.

 

[andruca]

I was a musician decades before I even met my wife so it's something that just came with the package and it's always been clear enough. Still I'm not the absent kind at all, I find no need in fact. We're parents to an almost 3 y/o boy who usually gets involved into our lives as much as possible. My general advice is don't refrain from doing things because of the aparent hassle of carrying your kid(s) around. Just pack some toys (even some tablet with movies -depends on age of course-), some varied food/drinks and all the necessary cleaning appliances/materials for the little kid and go out with them. I do 2 things in life other than work and take care of my family: music (rehearsing and performing both originals and covers, recording our own productions and occasionally some other bands that come into our studio) and some sport (mostly longboard skateboarding -also build decks on a regular basis-). I usually rehearse 1 or 2 noons a week (usualy for no longer than 3 hours), gig once or twice a month (altho' I'm always craving for more as it's a nice weekend job for an extra income also) and even manage to skate a couple 2-3 hour sessions every week (sometimes on my own or with friends, sometimes racing my kid on his tiny bike). Me and my wife are both usually free of our day jobs between 2 and 4 PM so our afternoons are and have always been pretty active. I don't bring my kid to band rehearsals specifically (yet) but I definitely do bring him around when doing other studio work (editing, mixing, mastering) as he's not exposed to loud music and can be dealt with by me or my studio partner (guitarist in both my bands, an "uncle" to my kid) as even tho' we both work together in such circumstances, only one of us is really sittin in the desk "doing" stuff while the other is listening and suggesting, therefore doesn't mind checking him out every once in a while and/or managing the occasional "can I have a cookie/milkshake/fruit" or "I need to pee/poo" moment. Also my kid is nutts about anything music, has some real fun in the studio without being a major concern for us when working (he mostly likes sitting on drums and playing in the recording room while we do our work in the control room, at the other side of the glass).

Of course it demands a lot of organization and negotiation (I've never been with a woman with whom I didn't have to negotiate at some point or another, even without any kids). But it's never been like one goes out while the other stays and takes care of the kid, at all. I sometimes take my kid out with me to whatever thing I'm doing even tho' there's no "need" being that my wife might be free to take care of him. I just do it because it's good for the kid, who can go out on a new "adventure" with dad (who also happens to get insanely funny moments -some stressful too, of course-), and also good for mom who gets to have a break from us jacka$$es.