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Bad memories for the holidays

slobake

slobake

resident ... something
Aug 6, 2011
1,904
25,886
Somewhere to the left of "Whoopie"
smowles01.wordpress.com
#1
This is for all of us who didn't grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting.
I am feeling down today and I realized why. Recognizing the problem usually helps me.
I don't have happy memories from Christmas. No parents on drunken escapades just a mom who was a nightmare. She was never happy and took everything out on my dad, especially on Christmas.
I am the youngest of six kids and my closest sibling is 5 years older. My siblings all paired up with someone at a pretty young age. They would take off with them at Christmas and my mom would go ballistic. I got to hear it all, constantly. We had no other family within 3,000 miles. My only option was to hide out in our bedroom and wait it out.
When my siblings got older and married it was even worse. My mom would keep track of how much time they spent with their in-laws and get worked up over that. She would rant and cry and say things like "What did I do to deserve this?" One of my brothers told her to F***K off and they didn't speak for over ten years. I got to hear about that too. Over and over and over again. Until I wanted to scream at her "Will you just shut the F up for once!"
I never looked forward to Christmas because I knew at an early age what was coming. I felt like James Dean in "Rebel Without a Cause." I wished my father would stand up to my mother. At times I even hoped hew would slug her, but I kept my mouth shut. Expressing any anger would get me at least a month of haranguing and guilt tripping.
The good new is I got past all of this. I moved away and could deal with my mom in small doses. I had to de-tox when I returned home. We became friends before my parents passed away. I was able to tell my dad how I felt about things and he sadly admitted I was right. His generation didn't do divorce too much plus they had six kids.
I also got embraced by my wife's family. We are a very close, crazy, dysfunctional family but we enjoy spending time together. I am proud to say that we have created good memories for the next two generations.
My childhood was a long time ago in a galaxy far away and it good to remind myself that is nothing but a bad memory now. It doesn't have to have a hold on me.
Anyone else have bad memories?
 
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#2
slobake said:
Anyone else have bad memories?
Click to expand...
I do. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say that it has been a huge relief to spend the last few holiday seasons by myself.

slobake said:
...The good new is I got past all of this... I am proud to say that we have created good memories for the next two generations.
Click to expand...
Then you have done really well. Way too many people end up repeating the same cycle they lived through.

Have a happy holiday, and may it be filled with good memories for you and your family.
 
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#3
slobake, i'm so sorry to hear that you went through all that, but thank goodness, your wife and her family that you have better times and happy memories now!

my husband's childhood involved tons of abuse, and holidays were worse. he has trouble with christmas each year, but my love of christmas is helping him have something to look forward to. we got our first tree together christmas of 1999, and he used to feel like his father was on the other side and a beating to him and his mom was about to occur. now he loves having our tree each year, and although my family isn't perfect, we've been doing a family thing each year since around 2000, and he's feeling better about it. he still has some depression, but less than there was, and the fear seems to have faded.
 
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#5
pcake said:
slobake, i'm so sorry to hear that you went through all that, but thank goodness, your wife and her family that you have better times and happy memories now!

my husband's childhood involved tons of abuse, and holidays were worse. he has trouble with christmas each year, but my love of christmas is helping him have something to look forward to. we got our first tree together christmas of 1999, and he used to feel like his father was on the other side and a beating to him and his mom was about to occur. now he loves having our tree each year, and although my family isn't perfect, we've been doing a family thing each year since around 2000, and he's feeling better about it. he still has some depression, but less than there was, and the fear seems to have faded.
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Good to hear, and good to cut some slack for people who have been through tough times. We have a family member now who still struggles. I need to have grace for this person and just accept them as they are.
 
#7
Slobake,

I am so sorry to hear of your past and bad memories of childhood. My mother was, and still is, a wonderful person. My dad would get unbearable when he drank, which was often. But, Christmas was always good for me as a child. We did not have much money when I was a kid; but, we had a loving household even though my dad did not show it until he was older and I was an adult.

My bad memories of Christmas are when my ex wife and I were married. She was Lucretia McEvil to the max. You never knew which version of her you would get from one minute to the next. She would either be caring and baking cookies and doing other nice things to screaming and swearing at me and the kids and starting arguments with relatives and friends. She was not very nice to our kids. Thankfully, that was a very long time ago and she and I split up in 1991. I was a single parent after that and made sure that Christmas was special for my kids.
 
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#11
Cheers to you, Slo, for breaking the cycle and making sure the next generation doesn't carry on the tradition. Last night, I got together with a couple young friends who are dealing with similar kinds of demons and cycles. They are succeeding in breaking the cycle in their own way, too. In my mind, that's one of the most admirable things any person can do. It leaves permanent scars on the person who has to do it, but breaking the cycle spares those who come after. That's an amazing expression of love, even if it doesn't always feel that way.
 
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#12
I don't have a lot of good memories from xMas time, simply because I wasn't around.
I would prefer the whole thing just be over with, because most people aren't really celebrating the birth of Jesus anyway. It's become a great big commercial beast that drives some people into the poor house.
The most xMassy thing I'll do is watch It's a Wonderful Life, because my old friend is in there, as Pete Bailey.

He said it was great working with Donna Reed, because her bazooms were right in his face. I think he was 14 years old.

Anyway, if you want a pick-me-up during the holidays, that's the movie to watch.

My friend told me a few times, the people broke down and cried over how they nearly committed suicide during the holiday, until they saw the movie. He said it was a regular occurrence whenever the cast set up chairs to sign things for fans.
 
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#13
Killed_by_Death said:
I don't have a lot of good memories from xMas time, simply because I wasn't around.
I would prefer the whole thing just be over with, because most people aren't really celebrating the birth of Jesus anyway. It's become a great big commercial beast that drives some people into the poor house.
The most xMassy thing I'll do is watch It's a Wonderful Life, because my old friend is in there, as Pete Bailey.

He said it was great working with Donna Reed, because her bazooms were right in his face. I think he was 14 years old.

Anyway, if you want a pick-me-up during the holidays, that's the movie to watch.

My friend told me a few times, the people broke down and cried over how they nearly committed suicide during the holiday, until they saw the movie. He said it was a regular occurrence whenever the cast set up chairs to sign things for fans.
Click to expand...
Enjoy the movie bdwgml and thanks for the suggestion I haven't seen that one in a couple of years. Maybe I will put it on tonight.
 
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#17
Oh wait, when I try to conjure up memories of holiday time as a kid, I am coming up with me having my ass handed to me when we got home, because of all the hell us cousins would get into while together.
At the time I thought I deserved it, but I am of the opinion now that kids will be kids.

No surprise that I've suppressed those memories.
 
#18
Yeah, sorry to hear that, slobake. My childhood Christmas memories weren't exactly Norman Rockwell - worthy, either, but a lot closer than yours. My parents did a good job trying to make it as nice as possible; the "Bad" was mostly just not spending more than a couple of Christmas' in the same place, and never getting what I wanted (are purple socks really so hard to find?:rolleyes:). When I grew up and joined the military, it just became another day. They did try to make it Christmas-y, but when you seem to spend them all either A) working - perimeter fence has to be patrolled, and the runway has to be free of snow; or B) painted green, hiding under a bush in a country you're really not supposed to be in; or C) working your ass off to get some abandoned/ standby airfield ready for the planes that are going to show up, whether it's Christmas or not; the whole thing just becomes irrelevant. It's just become another day off, now... My favorite Christmas movie? The 1951 version of A Christmas Carol, with Alastair Sim...:)
 
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#19
Killed_by_Death said:
Oh wait, when I try to conjure up memories of holiday time as a kid, I am coming up with me having my ass handed to me when we got home, because of all the hell us cousins would get into while together.
At the time I thought I deserved it, but I am of the opinion now that kids will be kids.

No surprise that I've suppressed those memories.
Click to expand...
One Christmas I looked out the window and saw my son and his two cousins pull up to his grandmothers' house in the back of a cop car. He was 12 or 13-years old at the time.
The three of them had been throwing their metal ninja stars into the side of a wooden bungalow at the local school. I guess those are considered illegal weapons. At least I think that's what the cops said, it was a long time ago.
I was stern but no butt whipping was involved. I really couldn't be upset with him but I tried not to show it. The terrified looks on their faces when they pulled up was hilarious. I figured they had been through enough already.
The cops kept the stars and us parents gave the kids a brief lecture. We laugh about it now, but not in front of my grandson. It has become a good Christmas memory.
Come to think of it I never whipped that boy. Sometimes I was tempted but I am glad I never did.
 
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