• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

Double Bass Bad puns

Ed Fuqua

Ed Fuqua

Dec 13, 1999
11,736
8,941
70
Columbia SC
www.reverbnation.com
Disclosures
Chuck Sher publishes my book, WALKING BASSICS:The Fundamentals of Jazz Bass Playing.
#1
As Jeffrey Hicks, the event safety coordinator for the Renaissance Festival finished posting the revised standards for weaponry, he thought of the day an unleashed dog wandered onto the jousting field, causing the rider from Indianapolis to stop short, impaling himself on the butt of his spear, and the following day’s newspaper headline which read:

“Stray Injures Indy Knight, Hicks Changing Lances.”
 
  • Like
Reactions: s van order, csrund and Sam Sherry
#2
Nicely done. Took me a moment...

A mad scientist in Florida had discovered the secret to eternal life - proteins contained in juvenile seabirds. He was testing his findings on some dolphins that he had in his laboratory pool, and had thus far been successfully in extending their lifespans to an unnatural degree.

One day, while he was out gathering fledgling seagulls, a lion escaped from the local zoo. It evaded capture, and fled onto the mad scientist's estate, where it fell asleep on the porch in front of his door. Returning home, and not wanting to wake the sleeping beast , the mad scientist gently stepped over it, carrying his precious cargo, and was promptly arrested...
The charge?

Transporting underage gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
 
  • Like
Reactions: instrumentalist
#5
A man was exploring deepest Africa in the late 19th century. He contracted a fever that the medicine he had brought with him did nothing to alleviate. Encountering a village witch doctor, he requested and was granted an examination. After extensive rituals, the old doctor told him his was a serious but nonfatal disease, and that he could continue his travels. The explorer was given a long slender strip of tanned hide and instructed to cut a small piece off each day and chew it for one hour.
At the end of two months, not feeling any worse, but not feeling better, the explorer found himself back at the village of the witch doctor who had treated him. The old shaman inquired as to the health of his patient, who replied, "the thong is ended, but the malady lingers on".
 
#6
The spacecraft landed and the crew discovered that the inhabitants of the planet were crimson fish with a highly evolved religious practice. Each day as the sun set they would hail the onset of the night with a brief, somber song.

Salmon chanted, "Evening."
 
  • Like
Reactions: instrumentalist
#7
Yi Ming Chan's teak plantation was being ravaged by person or persons unknown, so he called in the most famous tracker/hunter in the world. The Great Tracker told him that it was in fact NOT a person, but an animal, ursine specifically. Chan said that this was impossible, as the tracks left at the scene were always those of a young human male.

It wasn't until the Great Tracker brought in his prey that it was indeed proven that it was a boy foot bear with the teak of Chan.
 
  • Like
Reactions: SAlcott
#8
An archeologist was in the jungle studying a tribe that had had no contact with the outside world.

The food they served was strange to him and he became constipated.

When he asked the witch doctor if he could help, the doctor climbed a certain tree and picked some of the fronds in the upper branches.

These fronds were boiled and the tea was served to the archaeologist.

This cured him within the hour, and caused him to remark
"With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
 
  • Like
Reactions: THUNDERGODX
#9
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out
past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran
out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied: "Alas, I had no Monet to buy
Degas to make ze Van Gogh."
 
  • Like
Reactions: Chad Michael and JLubinsky-Mast
#10
During the French revolution a count was offered clemency if he would but give up the names of his co-conspirators. His reply, "I won't talk!" This went on for several days. Finally, he was led to the guillotine and given yet another chance, "I won't talk!" he said again. So, they put him in the guillotine and released the blade, at which point, the count shouted, "Wait! I'll" ...thunk... The moral of the story is, don't hatched you counts before they chicken.
 
#13
A man was once having trouble with a very shy cat. The man decided that it would be prudent to attempt to lure it from it's post with some delicious cat food. The following narrative ensues:

"Come here, you stupid cat, stop Haydn in the corner! You are such a Ravel! Would you enjoy some delicious cat food?"
To this, the cat didn't reply, as cats generally don't. However, the man assumed it was a yes, and went off to tell his wife that he was going out for a bit.
"Alright, [female name], I'm going off to the store to get our cat some fresh food. I'll be just a minuet, you just rest here."
"Wait a minuet, before you go, could you get some stuff at the store for me?"
"Sounds good, what do you need? Speak slowly so I can get a Handel on things."
"There's a Chopin Liszt on the tafel, just use it."
"Alright, sounds good. I'll be Bach in a Minuet! Oh, I also need a new gigue bag, so I'll be stopping by the Testore on the way home."

Crafted by yours truly.
 
#15
The other day I was making popcorn, but I'd run out of butter. My wife has a very smart dog, she reads to him all the time, so I sent him off with just enough money to buy some. Well I guess on the way he passed by Nick the Bookseller. Nick had a dog-eared book by Rabbie Burns, a collection of shaggy-dog stories. I know this because when the dog got home he had the book in his muzzle. I complained to my wife the popcorn was dry. She said, "Well of course, never send our poetry-loving dog to the grocery store because he'll get verse before he gets butter!"
 
#17
The New Orleans brass band was in the middle of a parade gig when, upon turning a corner, they found themselves inexplicably in the path of a cattle drive. The band leader and the foreman had a meeting, during which the foreman offered the band leader a bag of marijuana suppositories if he would allow the cattle to pass through the band. After consulting with the bandmembers, the bandleader decided to allow the cattle to pass, figuring that a herd in the band was worth boo in the tush.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Anthony Evans
#18
Chico Marx was once asked if he knew the meaning of the word euphoria. He said sure..... when the four Marx brothers were kids playing outside in the evening, their mother would come out on the porch and yell: "Get in this house right now, euphoria!!!!"
 
#19
Two elephants were walking down the trail and discussing the meaning of life. When they arrived at the river there was a snapping turtle sunning himself on the bank. One elephant immediately walked over and punted the turtle halfway across the river.

The other elephant looked shocked and said "what is that all about?"
To which the other replied "When I was a pup I came here to get a drink and that turtle gave me a nasty cut on my trunk."
His friend said "C'mon now, I know we elephants have good memories but that's stretching it."
The kicker replied "No, it's true. I have turtle recall."
 

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back