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Double Bass Bad puns
- Thread starter Ed Fuqua
- Start date
Seems as good a time to say this as any...
You can have my pun when you pry it from my cold, dead hand. Because, when puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns!
You can have my pun when you pry it from my cold, dead hand. Because, when puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns!
Shakespeare liked a dip in the Avon from time to time. In his time; however, the cabana had not been invented, so he would go into a patch of shrubbery to change into his bathing suit.
On one occasion he and his assistant were changing and he thought he heard a rip. He could see no damage to the front of his bathing suit, so he asked his assistant to check the back. The assistant carefully examined the back of Shakespeare's bath suit and announced, "No holes, bard."
On one occasion he and his assistant were changing and he thought he heard a rip. He could see no damage to the front of his bathing suit, so he asked his assistant to check the back. The assistant carefully examined the back of Shakespeare's bath suit and announced, "No holes, bard."
My wife has a t-shirt that says "Bad Puns Are How Eye Roll"
I once met a man with such a terrible attitude I assumed he must have an irritable bowl or some such affliction.
Turned out he was just an a**hole...
Turned out he was just an a**hole...
A crew of astronauts landed on a strange planet inhabited by small round creatures that were completely covered in fur.
Not knowing what they were, the astronauts called them simply "Furries".
In an effort to avoid endangering the Furries with some disease from Earth, the astronauts began a program of inoculations which was designed to immunize the furries from any earth-borne diseases.
since the furries were completely round, the vaccinations were given right on top of their bodies.
As the program progressed, the furries began communicate among themselves that the vaccinations were painful, and so began trying to avoid being given the shots.
One of the furries, after having been captured, was able to escape just as the needle was being used on him. Unfortunately, the needle remained stuck in him, and he was able to get away with it still embedded.
The Astronauts, concerned that the needle would cause an infection or be lost, began a diligent seaerch to find the escaped Furry.
It became known as the search for ........
The Furry With The Syringe On Top.
Not knowing what they were, the astronauts called them simply "Furries".
In an effort to avoid endangering the Furries with some disease from Earth, the astronauts began a program of inoculations which was designed to immunize the furries from any earth-borne diseases.
since the furries were completely round, the vaccinations were given right on top of their bodies.
As the program progressed, the furries began communicate among themselves that the vaccinations were painful, and so began trying to avoid being given the shots.
One of the furries, after having been captured, was able to escape just as the needle was being used on him. Unfortunately, the needle remained stuck in him, and he was able to get away with it still embedded.
The Astronauts, concerned that the needle would cause an infection or be lost, began a diligent seaerch to find the escaped Furry.
It became known as the search for ........
The Furry With The Syringe On Top.
Ok are you guys ready?! I live for bad puns and bad jokes. Here's a few short ones to get started:
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I'll go on a head.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding heir line.
Now for the good one:
One day a cow decides to learn guitar. So he calls up a music school and says "hey I'd like to learn guitar but the issue is I'm a cow". The music teacher says "no problem we have a special program to teach cows how to play guitar". So he goes in, takes a lesson and loves it.
So the cow has a year of lessons when he calls up his friend the chicken. He says "chicken you should learn the bass". The chicken thinks that would be fun.
So he calls up the music school and says "hey I'd like to learn bass, but the issue is I'm a chicken". The music teacher says "no problem we have a special program to teach chickens how to play bass". So he goes in, takes a lesson and loves it.
So the cow has 2 years of guitar lessons, the chicken has a year of bass lessons and they call up their friend the horse. They say "horse we learned guitar and bass and want to start a band. You should learn drums". The horse likes that idea.
So he calls up the music school and says "hey I'd like to learn drums but the issue is I'm a horse". The music teacher says "no problem we have a special program to teach horses how to play drums". So he goes in, takes a lesson and loves it.
Now the cow has 3 years of guitar lessons, the chicken has 2 years of bass lessons and the horse has a year of drum lessons. So they need a singer. They call up their friend the pig. They say "hey pig we need a singer, you should take singing lessons". The pig likes this idea.
So he calls up the music school and says "hey I'd like to learn how to sing but the issue is I'm a pig". The music teacher says "no problem we have a special program to teach pigs how to sing". So he goes in, takes a lesson and loves it.
So the cow has 4 years of guitar lessons, the chicken has 3 years of bass lessons, the horse has 2 years of drum lessons and the pig has a year of voice lessons.
They play a few shows, get noticed, get signed and record an album. The album is a hit and they go on a national tour through the United States. They hit Dallas, they hit LA, vegas, New York, Boston, New Orleans. You name it they play.
They are all headed to the airport to play for New Year's Eve in New York when the Horse gets a call. His mom had died and the funeral is tomorrow.
The horse goes home and says he'll meet the band in New York for the show.
While sitting in his moms funeral he gets a call from his manager. When he steps out to answer it the manager says "horse, the plane went down. The cow, chicken, and pig are all dead. I'm so sorry"
The horse is deviststed. His 3 best friends and mother are all dead. He can't go back into the funeral so he starts crying and takes a walk. He notices that there is a pub on the corner.
So the horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I'll go on a head.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding heir line.
Now for the good one:
One day a cow decides to learn guitar. So he calls up a music school and says "hey I'd like to learn guitar but the issue is I'm a cow". The music teacher says "no problem we have a special program to teach cows how to play guitar". So he goes in, takes a lesson and loves it.
So the cow has a year of lessons when he calls up his friend the chicken. He says "chicken you should learn the bass". The chicken thinks that would be fun.
So he calls up the music school and says "hey I'd like to learn bass, but the issue is I'm a chicken". The music teacher says "no problem we have a special program to teach chickens how to play bass". So he goes in, takes a lesson and loves it.
So the cow has 2 years of guitar lessons, the chicken has a year of bass lessons and they call up their friend the horse. They say "horse we learned guitar and bass and want to start a band. You should learn drums". The horse likes that idea.
So he calls up the music school and says "hey I'd like to learn drums but the issue is I'm a horse". The music teacher says "no problem we have a special program to teach horses how to play drums". So he goes in, takes a lesson and loves it.
Now the cow has 3 years of guitar lessons, the chicken has 2 years of bass lessons and the horse has a year of drum lessons. So they need a singer. They call up their friend the pig. They say "hey pig we need a singer, you should take singing lessons". The pig likes this idea.
So he calls up the music school and says "hey I'd like to learn how to sing but the issue is I'm a pig". The music teacher says "no problem we have a special program to teach pigs how to sing". So he goes in, takes a lesson and loves it.
So the cow has 4 years of guitar lessons, the chicken has 3 years of bass lessons, the horse has 2 years of drum lessons and the pig has a year of voice lessons.
They play a few shows, get noticed, get signed and record an album. The album is a hit and they go on a national tour through the United States. They hit Dallas, they hit LA, vegas, New York, Boston, New Orleans. You name it they play.
They are all headed to the airport to play for New Year's Eve in New York when the Horse gets a call. His mom had died and the funeral is tomorrow.
The horse goes home and says he'll meet the band in New York for the show.
While sitting in his moms funeral he gets a call from his manager. When he steps out to answer it the manager says "horse, the plane went down. The cow, chicken, and pig are all dead. I'm so sorry"
The horse is deviststed. His 3 best friends and mother are all dead. He can't go back into the funeral so he starts crying and takes a walk. He notices that there is a pub on the corner.
So the horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
new one:
So when young Billy turns 10 his dad gets him a model train set. He instneyly falls in love. Plays with it all the time. Goes to the library to get books on trains. Trollies, street cars. Anything drivable on a track he is in love with. So much so that he starts doing everything with trains. All school projects, all movies he watches, everything. He is known as the train kid. He loves it so much that this lasts till HIGH SCHOOL and people think it’s weird. No worries from him. He just loves trains.
After high school he doesnt go to college. He goes to New York where he interviews to drive a subway train. 5 minuets into the interview the guy says “you’re hired”.
Billy is in heaven. His dream job. He does this for 3 years. Then one day they need to do construction on his track while he’s on his route. When Billy sees the workers he gets angery. Annoyed that he has to stop. So he doesn’t. He plows right throgh.
10 dead, 16 injured and Billy is arrested. For weeks the news talks about that tragic accident. At the end of his court case Billy gets the death penalty.
For his last meal Billy requests a McDonalds burger, fries, a milkshake, and 2 blue apples from a small village in Africa. They have to import them quickly and actually post pone the exicutuon. That night he eats one, and before he gets to the chair he eats the other one. When he sits down, they turn the chair on....and nothing happens.
By federal law they have to let him go. People are shocked, outraged! But Billy walks free.
He has nowhere to go and no job. He decides to hitch a ride down to New Orleans. When he gets there he gets a job driving a street car. It’s like a train but used as public transportation down there.
He is back at it. So in love with his job. Stays for 6 years. Then...one Mardi Gras there are tons of people on the street car line...and Billy gets that look in his eye again. He steps on it and plows through the people.
32 dead! 45 injured and Billy is arrested once again. The media is shocked that he was allowed a job and skipped the background check. The court decides again on the death penalty.
On the night before his death he gets his last meal. He orders seafood gumbo, crawfish and 2 blue apples from Africa. Again they import them.
Billy eats one at night and one the morning of his exicutuon. He sits down on the chair, Says his last words, they turn it on....and nothing. Once again he is set free!!!
Banished by his fellow Americans he goes over seas to England, and changes his name. He gets another job working a train! This time just delivering goods. He lives a quiet life there for 4 more years....
Then...one day...he’s making a late night delivery when he sees a bunch of kids drinking and having a good time on the train tracks. He shuts his lights off...and gets that look in his eye again. Full speed ahead captain.
All 8 of the kids. Murdered. They say one of them was dragged for up to a mile under the train screaming. Billy didn’t care.
The media in England is furious! His real identity is found out! How could he have done this a 3rd time!
This was such a horrible crime that they decide to implement the death penalty. First in London in 30 years! They take advice from America and offer him a last meal.
He wants biscuits and tea, a ham sandwich, and 2 blue apples from Africa. Same thing. He eats one at night and one before his exicutuon.
They sit him down, the officer asks his last words, and they turn on the chair. NOTHING HAPPENS!!!
Total shock. He is set free. The officer asks “Billy, how does this keep happening?! I need to know!”
Billy says “I don’t know. I guess I’m just a bad conductor”.
So when young Billy turns 10 his dad gets him a model train set. He instneyly falls in love. Plays with it all the time. Goes to the library to get books on trains. Trollies, street cars. Anything drivable on a track he is in love with. So much so that he starts doing everything with trains. All school projects, all movies he watches, everything. He is known as the train kid. He loves it so much that this lasts till HIGH SCHOOL and people think it’s weird. No worries from him. He just loves trains.
After high school he doesnt go to college. He goes to New York where he interviews to drive a subway train. 5 minuets into the interview the guy says “you’re hired”.
Billy is in heaven. His dream job. He does this for 3 years. Then one day they need to do construction on his track while he’s on his route. When Billy sees the workers he gets angery. Annoyed that he has to stop. So he doesn’t. He plows right throgh.
10 dead, 16 injured and Billy is arrested. For weeks the news talks about that tragic accident. At the end of his court case Billy gets the death penalty.
For his last meal Billy requests a McDonalds burger, fries, a milkshake, and 2 blue apples from a small village in Africa. They have to import them quickly and actually post pone the exicutuon. That night he eats one, and before he gets to the chair he eats the other one. When he sits down, they turn the chair on....and nothing happens.
By federal law they have to let him go. People are shocked, outraged! But Billy walks free.
He has nowhere to go and no job. He decides to hitch a ride down to New Orleans. When he gets there he gets a job driving a street car. It’s like a train but used as public transportation down there.
He is back at it. So in love with his job. Stays for 6 years. Then...one Mardi Gras there are tons of people on the street car line...and Billy gets that look in his eye again. He steps on it and plows through the people.
32 dead! 45 injured and Billy is arrested once again. The media is shocked that he was allowed a job and skipped the background check. The court decides again on the death penalty.
On the night before his death he gets his last meal. He orders seafood gumbo, crawfish and 2 blue apples from Africa. Again they import them.
Billy eats one at night and one the morning of his exicutuon. He sits down on the chair, Says his last words, they turn it on....and nothing. Once again he is set free!!!
Banished by his fellow Americans he goes over seas to England, and changes his name. He gets another job working a train! This time just delivering goods. He lives a quiet life there for 4 more years....
Then...one day...he’s making a late night delivery when he sees a bunch of kids drinking and having a good time on the train tracks. He shuts his lights off...and gets that look in his eye again. Full speed ahead captain.
All 8 of the kids. Murdered. They say one of them was dragged for up to a mile under the train screaming. Billy didn’t care.
The media in England is furious! His real identity is found out! How could he have done this a 3rd time!
This was such a horrible crime that they decide to implement the death penalty. First in London in 30 years! They take advice from America and offer him a last meal.
He wants biscuits and tea, a ham sandwich, and 2 blue apples from Africa. Same thing. He eats one at night and one before his exicutuon.
They sit him down, the officer asks his last words, and they turn on the chair. NOTHING HAPPENS!!!
Total shock. He is set free. The officer asks “Billy, how does this keep happening?! I need to know!”
Billy says “I don’t know. I guess I’m just a bad conductor”.
Hmmm, after reading through a few of these, I wish TB had a "Thank you for sharing" button instead of a "Like" button.
A string walks into a bar and sits down. "Bartender, I would like a Martini, extra dry." The bartender says "I am sorry but we do not serve strings here. I must ask you to leave." Dejectedly, the string walks out of the bar where he meets his friend. He asks his friend if he could tie him in a knot. The friend complies and ties the string into a knot. The string then asks his friend to take his pocket comb and fray his edges. The friend confusedly complies with the request, whereupon the string re-enters the bar, sits down and asks for a martini "extra dry". The bartender eyes him and says "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a minute ago?" To which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Most people don't know this, but the reason that Alexander the Great was able to conquer the world was because he was very prompt in starting his battles. He actually had an hourglass tied to his wrist with a strip of cloth. It was Alexander's rag time band.
