Thanks for all the posts. A couple quick clarifications.
1. I was vague on purpose. I want to be able to check out a wide variety of basses.
2. I am not interested in playing metal. (Not that I don't like metal, I just don't play it in anything.) That's not to say I wouldn't welcome a bass that is also good at playing metal, but my main genres will be punk, grunge, and maybe some psychedelic rock, and I would like it to not sound completely out of place in a genre like jazz.
You would have trouble finding a bass that is punchy enough for punk or grunge then smooth enough for jazz. One prefers a more scooped tone while the other prefers a warmer tone (unless you are slapping). A jazz bass might get you there if you have some way via EQ to manage your mids. A lot of basses with active preamps have a passive bypass if you want to look at that.
You also made the mistake of making a sarcastic title then relying on responders to actually read. So all the wrong answers are on you.