Coping with disappointment

[Topkat13]

Sounds like life at point blank range. Could be professor EGO is doing a number on you.

 

[darev]

Didn't get the gig but they want to debrief you? Sounds like winning right there.

Keep going as long as you can and don't let the bastards get to you too soon.

 

[Dynacord]

I had to Google it myself. Like when a music supervisor is looking for a specific style, feel, vibe, etc. in a song for a film or whatever and puts out a call for folks to submit pieces.

Yes, and often poorly articulated as they are often not musicians and don't know how to express that they want something with a major feel vs minor, specific tempo range, etc.

 

[biobass]

This piece of advice has been attributed to many different sources, but most often, I believe, to Walt Disney. Don’t get discouraged (different from disappointment, I know) if you don’t get the part (or contract, or whatever), as long as you did your very best in the audition/submission. If you did your very best, there was nothing more that could be done. Learn from the experience and move ahead.

I like the idea proffered by Bigwalker - take the feedback, and resubmit if they will accept.

When I get disappointed, I like to go for long bike rides, take long hikes, and yes, eat chocolate!

 

[_Some Dude]

They say that how you cope with disappointment is directly related to how successful you’ll be in life, so let’s hear some of that good advice that you’ve gleaned in life. Maybe it’ll help somebody else get through their disappointment!

IMO, it's more about how you manage failure. Some people are really good at being successful, then have complete meltdowns when they fail because they don't know how to handle it. Someone with good hustle will figure out how to spin a failure into something successful, or at least achieve a partial success, which is preferable to melting down into complete failure and crying yourself to sleep at night.

In failure, losers look for excuses while winners look for reasons. The former wants off the hook while the later wants to take responsibility for their situation.

If you offer me a critical debrief I'm not going to stand there and make excuses for what I did. Chances are the person giving the debrief probably doesn't give a poopie. I'm going to use their time to listen, and if I ask a question, it's to confirm that I understand what they want and that my thought process is on the right track.

When I give a debrief, what I'm looking for is for them to take ownership of the deficiency and to develop a strategy for producing the results that I want.

Ultimately, I want to know that they're a solution to my problem.

 

[Gravedigger Dav]

So, on Thursday I was unexpectedly given a shot at a lucrative sync brief opportunity. The deadline is tomorrow at 11am. The TL;DR is I failed to produce a piece that satisfied the client’s wishes.

This is/was my first shot at the big times, so to speak. But it’s not “game over,” yet. I have a debriefing meeting with the label folks later this week, where they’ve said that they’ll give me a break down of why the two songs I sent didn’t work for them, so that’s good news

Obviously, I’m sad that I didn’t get the silly amount of money that I had hoped for (and had already spent in my head)… All this got me thinking about how people cope with disappointment. Many of you must have had an experience where you thought you landed (or actually did land) the gig of your dreams and then something went wrong or there was some kind of unexpected left turn… id love hear about it.

They say that how you cope with disappointment is directly related to how successful you’ll be in life, so let’s hear some of that good advice that you’ve gleaned in life. Maybe it’ll help somebody else get through their disappointment!

Use it as a learning experience. Thomas Edison, after a couple of thousand failures trying to make a light bulb, when asked about it, said, "I've discovered a few thousand things that didn't work."
So, attend the meeting, listen carefully, then go back to work to improve your product.

 

[red_rhino]

Also Look at this as a relationship building moment. Listen intently, ask pertinent questions, make copious notes, don't waste time explaining why you played what you did unless they ask. THEN immediately go and redo what you recorded incorporating exactly what they where looking for, and resubmit to them as a followup. This tells them you listen and can be worked with in the future. Followup is a big deal in business relationships.
Good luck

THIS. Especially the “don’t waste time explaining unless they ask”, otherwise it can come off as defensive and be interpreted as “not listening”, which is the point of the debriefing.

You can and should take a lot of solace in the fact that they offered to do a debriefing. It’s a hugely positive sign. Take advantage of it, learn from it, leverage it.

 

[MuseChaser]

During a session, one of the trumpet players was talking to Bernie Glow (one of the true great session trumpet players), explaining that a certain contractor wasn't calling him any more, and he hoped he hadn't done anything to offend or otherwise alienate said contractor. Bernie replied, paraphrased for a family site, "I don't worry about stuff like that. I just figure, the heck with them if they don't want the best."

The trumpet player thanked him for his thoughts, saying, "yeah...makes sense. I've got to learn to think like that."

Bernie replied, "You can't. You're not the best."

True story...and not related to kick anyone when they're down. I've been playing professionally for almost 50 years, and there's been SOOO many times I wish I had been selected, called, asked, whatever, to do certain gigs that I would have loved to do, many of which, all false modesty aside, I would have done at least as well if not better than others chosen, and it used to really bug me and depress me. I understand. The last fifteen years I've finally gotten to the "place" where I realize it just doesn't matter nor mean anything. Everyone has different tastes in what they're looking for in a fellow musician, and once you're at a certain level of competency it doesn't have anything to do with "good" or "bad"...just different. Be you, and be grateful for the opportunities you have. Don't dwell on things that don't happen.

 

[KenSmithFan]

All disappointments should be followed by an honest assessment of your performance. What do YOU think the problem was? I agree that feedback is helpful, BUT you need to filter that feedback by determining how, or if, it helps you achieve your goals. Over the last 55 years, I've encountered situations where I was simply over my head, wasn't conversant with the style, over reached, not as prepared as I should have been, and sometimes simply the band picked someone they knew. Some of these you can fix, some of them you can't fix and some you don't want to fix.

Just be honest with yourself and you'll be fine. I practice at least 3 hours a day, but after I muff an opportunity, I usually step it up for a period. Failure should make you try harder.

 

[KenSmithFan]

Everyone has different tastes in what they're looking for in a fellow musician, and once you're at a certain level of competency it doesn't have anything to do with "good" or "bad"...just different.

Wise words. If people would internalize them, it would save a lot of hurt feelings.

 

[evanrunyon]

Find someone who has what you want and ask them about their experience with rejection.

 

[pepj]

You are more likely to fail a lot more than you succeed. Disappointments are part of the process you have to deal with.

Its good that you got invited to submit and indicates your product can hit that mark.

I'd listen and maybe learn why they passed.
And.... those types are just as capable of being full of it as they may be being super talented at what they do.
Overall, I think the experience should be useful one way or another

 

[J Wilson]

It's business. They found something else that better suited what they were after. That's it, it's nothing personal against you.

The big silver lining is the follow-up which obviously means they heard something in your work that caught their ear, even if it didn't quite suit this particular project.

When you go to the follow-up you best be upbeat, constructive, and attentive. Under no circumstances do you let any of this rejection sully this meeting, or still be pouting with a long face or a grudge.

You learn FAR more from crashes than success. It's a far harder pill to swallow, which is why the lessons learned stick much better.

Wash up, get dressed, and you go down there and give them a reason to do business with you.

 

[IanStephenson]

THIS. Especially the “don’t waste time explaining unless they ask”, otherwise it can come off as defensive and be interpreted as “not listening”, which is the point of the debriefing.

100%, or more subtly don't "defend" your work.

Stage 4: Anger and Bargaining.

I review a lot of work and have to give feedback on it. The number of times I tell them something is unclear, of confusing in their work, and they proceed to explain it to me. Having it explained to me doesn't make the work clearer, and I probably already know what they were trying to do - I just had to work too hard to get there. Telling me why I was wrong in my assessment of their work is pointless - it's not a negotiation. While how you fix a problem is up for discussion, I can defintively tell that there IS A problem, so telling me otherwise just means you're not ready to move on to the useful stages 6 and 7

• Shock and disbelief.
• Denial.
• Guilt.
• Anger and bargaining.
• Depression, loneliness, and reflection.
• Reconstruction.
• Acceptance.

 

[GregC]

Reframing this a bit, I've done a lot of acting work and, thus, a lot of auditions - where one really has to get used to rejection. What really helped was being on the other side of the casting dynamic and seeing how often people did great auditions and were liked but just did not fit what was needed for the role that was being cast. Still, some of those 'failed' auditions are remembered and have often led to other work later. It's very possible the client liked the work but it just did not fit the concept, mood, etc that they specifically wanted right now. Later, who knows... You can't win if you don't play.

That said, I still have some very painful near misses that haunt me. Reminded of when Greg Rzab was talking about coming in second for The Rolling Stones audition to replace Wyman. Paraphrasing, "My friends say other opportunities will come along. I know that's true. But it ain't the @#$% Rolling Stones!"

Anyway, much better to be in consideration than not at all.

I had a chance to speak briefly to Rzab once, and what he said about the audition reinforces your point. He said he played Wyman's parts perfectly, and the feedback he got was that that wasn't what they were looking for. Not much you can do in that situation.

 

[kesslari]

I'm down with a cold and my brain ain't working well, but I just want to commend the work you did to merit a debrief session with the client. That speaks volumes. Good work.

 

[gidbass]

So, on Thursday I was unexpectedly given a shot at a lucrative sync brief opportunity. The deadline is tomorrow at 11am. The TL;DR is I failed to produce a piece that satisfied the client’s wishes.

This is/was my first shot at the big times, so to speak. But it’s not “game over,” yet. I have a debriefing meeting with the label folks later this week, where they’ve said that they’ll give me a break down of why the two songs I sent didn’t work for them, so that’s good news

Obviously, I’m sad that I didn’t get the silly amount of money that I had hoped for (and had already spent in my head)… All this got me thinking about how people cope with disappointment. Many of you must have had an experience where you thought you landed (or actually did land) the gig of your dreams and then something went wrong or there was some kind of unexpected left turn… id love hear about it.

They say that how you cope with disappointment is directly related to how successful you’ll be in life, so let’s hear some of that good advice that you’ve gleaned in life. Maybe it’ll help somebody else get through their disappointment!

I know folks in sales and they always say "One no closer to your next yes".

Good Luck!

 

[Wasnex]

They say that how you cope with disappointment is directly related to how successful you’ll be in life, so let’s hear some of that good advice that you’ve gleaned in life. Maybe it’ll help somebody else get through their disappointment!

It can be helpful to avoid counting the chickens before they hatch.

Being worthy of success and staying positive go hand-in-hand and reinforce each other. The desired attitude is something you cultivate over time.

Celebrate what you achieved. Presumably you learned something of value and are better prepared for the next opportunity. This doesn't mean you don't evaluate what you could have done better.

 

[superheavyfunk]

Thank you. I really appreciate this. For the last few hours, I’ve been basically trying to convince myself of everything you said in your first coupe of paragraphs.

I know it to be true, logically. But emotionally, it’s a different story. I’m definitely looking forward to hearing their feedback - I plan to nail the next one (provided there is one).

An update for anybody who may be interested: They scheduled the meeting for later today. During the scheduling discussion, they mentioned another potential opportunity for me - this time, it’s just recording tracks and not composing complete songs but it’s another opportunity to step into the room, so I’ll likely take it. Of course, I need to hear the song first… I don’t want to accept things that I know I might not do a great job on, as that would be counter-productive.

And sadly, it’s not bass. More and more, I’m being asked to do horns and arrangements… I’ll take work on any instrument but like the rest of you, bass is my happy place.