• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

Dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder

#21
she recognizes she has it, but still doesn't see anything wrong with how she views things. The hard part is that some of that is typical adolescence (always think they're right, and if other people don't like it, well, F#$% YOU!), and part of it is part of the disorder... She also has a bunch of acquaintances (I hesitate to call them friends) who are sort of social misfits and just general outcasts/troublemakers) who don't seem to have any disorder (other than being teenagers..........). She has a lot of grand plans for her future, but no real plan for actually getting there (again, some of that is adolescence, but it's more severe in her case), and the biggest issue is that she has an 18 month old son who desperately needs her to be at least somewhat healthy. In her mind she cares for him all by herself, but in reality, she plays with him after he gets home from daycare for a couple of hours and then leaves all the heavy lifting (supper, bath, bedtime) to us most of the time... I don't mind at all, because to the little guy I'm "Grandpa" and I love him to pieces, but for his sake he really needs mom to step up. Unfortunately, she's simply not capable right now, so we do what we have to do to keep them together, but still make sure his physical and emotional needs get met as well.
 
#23
bradjonesbass said:
she recognizes she has it, but still doesn't see anything wrong with how she views things. The hard part is that some of that is typical adolescence (always think they're right, and if other people don't like it, well, F#$% YOU!), and part of it is part of the disorder... She also has a bunch of acquaintances (I hesitate to call them friends) who are sort of social misfits and just general outcasts/troublemakers) who don't seem to have any disorder (other than being teenagers..........). She has a lot of grand plans for her future, but no real plan for actually getting there (again, some of that is adolescence, but it's more severe in her case), and the biggest issue is that she has an 18 month old son who desperately needs her to be at least somewhat healthy. In her mind she cares for him all by herself, but in reality, she plays with him after he gets home from daycare for a couple of hours and then leaves all the heavy lifting (supper, bath, bedtime) to us most of the time... I don't mind at all, because to the little guy I'm "Grandpa" and I love him to pieces, but for his sake he really needs mom to step up. Unfortunately, she's simply not capable right now, so we do what we have to do to keep them together, but still make sure his physical and emotional needs get met as well.
Click to expand...

Sounds like a tough situation to be honest... then again she still has just been diagnosed. In time she may really come around. I hope so!
At the risk of sounding corny though, I do have to say that you and your wife are damn good people for caring enough to take someone in and try to give them a better life. You guys rock, you really do.
 
#24
Thanks! We fell in love with her a LONG time ago. Long story short.... we've known the family for years, and when they found out she was pregnant at 15 they contacted us about adopting the baby. We met with her and realized that they were basically forcing her into adoption and things were very rough at home (some of which we knew, some of which we didn't). We offered to let her come stay with us through the pregnancy so she could make up her mind about adoption and if she thought our home would be where she wanted her child to be (all the while knowing that adoption was not ever really in her plans). Well, she decided she wanted to stay with us - period..... that did not sit well with her parents who forced her to move back home prior to the birth. When the baby was about 2 months old, all hell broke loose and she ended up in foster care, but due to the volatile nature (by then) of our relationship with her parents we weren't allowed to take her in (we are licensed foster parents) and for a time were not even allowed to see her. About 6 months ago she confided in me that she was suicidal and after much thought and discussion with DCS and her parents, it was determined that the best place for her until she turned 18 was with us, so we welcomed her "home". We have established a great deal of trust with her, which is very difficult for BPD patients to do, and she leans on us a lot - she also craps on us a lot, but we were expecting that. We are planning an adult adoption as soon as she turns 18. We'd do it now, but her parents haven't had their parental rights terminated so that's not an option. At 18 she can sever the relationship without their consent and be adopted by us without their consent. That will give us some legal position with regards to her son if she can't care for him in the future, allows her to be on my health insurance through work until she's 25, gives her legal access to our estate should something happen to us (I DO ride motorcycles.....), etc..., plus give her a place to call home for the rest of her life.

Her biological mom is in prison in California and she didn't know her biological father (and stepmother) until she was 6 and had to move to Indiana to live with an already established family of people she didn't know at all... She's been molested by a few men, starting at age 2 or 3 in Cali, and then from age 7 through about 13 by her half brother here (he's several years older than her...) So, she's been abandoned by her dad (twice) her mom, been in 10 different homes in 17 years, been molested, been separated from her younger brother since age 6 and nobody knows where he is, didn't have communication with her maternal family for years (stepmom and biological decided they were "a bad influence" on her and cut it off...) Anyway, she's a mess, but she's a sweet, sweet kid, extremely intelligent (will graduate a semester early and start college this spring), and has a lot of positives going for her too. And we're in this for the long haul, good and bad. Our daughter (she's almost 13) adores her too and has a pretty good understanding (most of the time) of what's going on and why, and she's in no danger because the girl loves her too and besides our little girl is bigger and taller and could defend herself pretty well if necessary :) which I'd be surprised if it ever was.
 
#26
You would probably benefit from some family support.
NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has chapters in every state, the information for Ft. Wayne is here:

[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

I have used the network and found it very helpful. It is basically a large network of families that support each other and share exeperiences on how to deal with different aspects of mental disorders. You come to realize that you are not really alone, that there are people you can talk to that are dealing similar issues, and you don't need to suffer the stigma involved in dealing with family illness. Some of their programs are free, many have extremely modest costs, and often defrayed by fundraisers and donations.

I think a call to the contact there would be well worth your time and help smooth things out a little bit.
 
#28
tumblr_kv4399hWWz1qzdr4go1_500.jpg
 
#30
That is quite some rare quality you have indeed, I salute you Sir.

For my 2 pence, I agree with Relic's post earlier in the thread, knowing you have a disorder is one thing, but having perspective in the reality of how affecting it is in control of behavioral patterns etc. involves much more in-depth work in self realization.
Cognitive behavioral therapy can very much help to provide valuable insight from an outside perspective, the real issue is self realization and awareness of how affecting in yourself, and to others those issues are. In sight of her age and the history involved, that will obviously take time to 'plant those seeds of thought' so to speak. I wish you and yours well, and make sure to get some time out for yourself too, take care man.
 
#31
My ex-wife is a classic BPD and her background is very similar to your 17 year old girl. Years of abuse and neglect and then abandonment, followed by a string of bad foster homes (with more abuse) throughout her teen years.

The best news I can give you is that with the proper therapy and a stable environment (you are awesome for providing this) the long term prognosis is excellent for anyone with BPD. Nearly everyone shows significant improvement over time and many go on to become stable, mature adults and lead happy and independant lives.

This is true for my ex who is now re-married to a decent (and patient) man and the both of them are living without any of the drama and "episodes" that characterized a lot of the early years of our marriage. Our daughter is now 18 years old and they are finally getting along like mothers and daughters should.

My ex looks back on her late teens and early twenties with horror at the person she was. Keep patience with your girl and there is no reason why she can't have a happy future if she has a good attitude and you can all get through the tough times she will create for you in the meantime.






BTW.
I have a boatload of tips and suggestions learned the hard way that are far too detailed to post on this thread. PM me if interested in specifics.

All the best to you, sir! :cool:
 
#32
cheezewiz said:
Most mental health professionals will tell you BPD is one of the most difficult conditions to deal with. Best of luck to you.
Click to expand...

This is true. NAMI is a great resource - use it. Get into therapy, get into family therapy, and get her into therapy.

The primary issue of BPD is an inability to maintain object constancy - a person with BPD cannot hold that that both your good and bad qualities as all part of the same you at the same time. So when you are "good" you are the BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. And when you are bad, or doing something that they don't like, you are THE WORST PERSON. No one will ever make you feel loved, and hated, as much as someone with true Borderline Personality Disorder.

If you've known her for a long time, you already know this - and if you don't see this kind of wildly fluctuating affect and way of relating, then you may want to question the diagnosis.

This is the field in which I was trained (though I no longer work in the MH field) so feel free to PM me if you like.
 
#33
kesslari said:
The primary issue of BPD is an inability to maintain object constancy - a person with BPD cannot hold that that both your good and bad qualities as all part of the same you at the same time. So when you are "good" you are the BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. And when you are bad, or doing something that they don't like, you are THE WORST PERSON. No one will ever make you feel loved, and hated, as much as someone with true Borderline Personality Disorder.
Click to expand...

This is exactly right. But whichever of these feelings happens to be at the forefront at any given moment, she will be ALWAYS thinking that you may be about to abandon or betray her and she will be coming up with some scheme to prevent that from happening. It won't be rational and it may very well be self destructive or destructive to others but she will be constantly coming up with new ways to control you and manipulate you so that you won't hurt her like the people she trusted in the past did.
 
#34
Bless you for what you're doing for this child and her child. Love, support (but not enabling), and acceptance are key to getting through this successfully - for her and for you and your wife.

I have experience with BPD in my family. My middle daughter passed through BPD to a Bipolar Disorder diagnosis in her teenage years. We went through acting out, running away, suicide attempts, and various other scary, confusing, and painful experiences. Today, she's a Dean's List college student, married mom of a 2-year old with plans to be a CPA. It's been a very long road, but she owns who she is, what she does, and where she's going, and today she's doing that without medication. I'm happy to share the whole story in a more private setting, so please feel free to PM.
 
#38
Free beer from the Biggest Little [Rhody] if you are ever out this way as well.

Matticus owes me a whole 6 pack already, you can have half and we can sleep in between him, his wife and all her girlfriends. Mostly the ladies though. :p I've seen his picture already :hmm:
Hers too :eek:
 
#40
Bad night tonight... Still up. Went to ER for bronchitis and unknowingly took her to the hospital she went to after a rape... Full out dissociation and panic attack. Still up! Flashbacks, doesn't want to be alone, doesn't want me near her.... I'm sitting up, she's trying to sleep...
 

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back