I am 32 and stil live at home with my parents because i am in debt. My mother is co deprndant(though not alcoholic) and controlling of me. All my life if I did anything she disapproved of she would ridicule and persecute me until I did what she approved of. Well about 9 months ago I told my mom i was a lesbian. She has since made my life hell. She hates my girlfriend and she has never even met her. I am taking a btter job soon and plan on moving out by the first part of 2008. I was thinking of severing all ties with my mother, but I am an only child and don't have any family. Just my girl's family who accepts me. The question I am pondering is should I sever all ties with my mother and father so That i can live my life on my terms or keep contact with them and continue to be persucuted? i would greatly appreciate any input as this is a hard decision. And thank you.
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Facing tough decision..
- Thread starter Lowner
- Start date
That's a tough nut to crack.
After seeing your question, I asked a good queer friend of mine how she would deal with this situation, as she went through something similar.
She recommends talking to your mom and your dad about this situation, your feelings (being hurt by your mom, etc.).
Should this fail to yield any measure of progress, then definitely ramp down the amount of time you spend/talk to your mom. My friend advises against severing all ties, as should she change her mind, then you might want to leave a door open for her. However definitely get out of the house so that you aren't surrounded by a negative environment all the time.
From my perspective, this approach has worked well for my friend. She is now getting married to her partner, and they have bought a house. Her parents are out of the picture except for family holidays (thanksgiving/Christmas), and although there is still a bit of negativity, it gets better with each passing year.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
Being reliant on your mother and being 32 living at home it may not have been the best time to share your orientation with her. Especially if your mother has spoken against it in the past. Remember you are living under her roof and even though you are legally an adult, it's still her house.
As you get older you will realize how insignificant these little actions really are. Not to say it would happen, but if your mother would get sick you would regret not being able to spend time with her if this doesn't boil over.
I am not trying to be blunt, but at 32 you should be off living your life regardless of bills. People make it happen. Leave the roost, for both your mother and your sanity. In time she will accept you, as long as you accept her position as well.
These situations truly hurt and I went through something similar when I was 22 living at home, not the gay thing, but I ended up leaving on bad terms.
Best of luck.
As you get older you will realize how insignificant these little actions really are. Not to say it would happen, but if your mother would get sick you would regret not being able to spend time with her if this doesn't boil over.
I am not trying to be blunt, but at 32 you should be off living your life regardless of bills. People make it happen. Leave the roost, for both your mother and your sanity. In time she will accept you, as long as you accept her position as well.
These situations truly hurt and I went through something similar when I was 22 living at home, not the gay thing, but I ended up leaving on bad terms.
Best of luck.
I suggest you move out, and let THEM decide to stay in touch or not.
They can either choose to accept you for who you are, which if they genuinely love and care for you they will eventually, or they can be mean bitter and resentful that you didn't fit the photoshopped image of who you were supposed to be in their minds.
It's YOUR life, you need to live it, they don't. They have their own lives, and maybe if they start actually living them instead of being focused so much on controlling how you live yours, they may just start enjoying it. Or not.
However, that is not YOUR problem, is it?
Never let anyone coerce you into being who you are not.
They can either choose to accept you for who you are, which if they genuinely love and care for you they will eventually, or they can be mean bitter and resentful that you didn't fit the photoshopped image of who you were supposed to be in their minds.
It's YOUR life, you need to live it, they don't. They have their own lives, and maybe if they start actually living them instead of being focused so much on controlling how you live yours, they may just start enjoying it. Or not.
However, that is not YOUR problem, is it?
Never let anyone coerce you into being who you are not.
Get out. Stand up on your own feet. Don't cut your parents off. Simply tolerate them until they get negative. As soon as they start getting negative or exhibiting the behavior you don't like, remove yourself from the situation/conversation. If it means leaving (not making a scene or storming out) then leave. Your mom will learn that you don't like this behavior and if she wants to be with you, she will stop eventually. Thus you're correcting her behavior by your actions (the only thing you can control). After awhile she'll get it. Work your butt off to get out of debt. Change the habits that got you there in the first place. I'm not so sure this has anything to do with the fact that you're a lesbian.
It sounds like you're in a tough spot. Your mom acts the way she does because she has a problemmost likely she feels out of control herself and the only way she can control you is to make you feel bad. Believe me, my mom does the same thing.
Obviously #1 is to remove yourself from the toxic environment. Youll probably make more money out on your own. When youre being continually emotionally crushed you dont think as sharply, youre less creative and less productive. On paper it might look good to live at home but youll probably do better on your own.
Realize that your mom is NEVER going to be anyone but herself. That means, she is NEVER going to accept when you do something contrary to what she wants. Those kinds of expectations are the first step toward disappointment. Shes probably not going to accept you being a lesbian. Once you accept that, you can stop trying to argue with her into accepting it.
I wouldnt sever ties. Id use good roads, good weather technique. When you talk to her, keep the things she disagrees with out of the conversation. She cant have them, shes demonstrated that. I know the tendency is to want to push her into accepting things about you, but honestly, not all human beings have that ability. If she brings them up, tell her that part of your life is not up for discussion. Hang up if you need to. Eventually the two of you will be able to have a good conversation about things you both agree on, however small they are. That might be all your relationship with her is capable of.
If youre welcomed into your girlfriends family, that is wonderful. But remember that girlfriends can come and go, relying on your girlfriends family and neglecting your own isnt right. Good luck!
Obviously #1 is to remove yourself from the toxic environment. Youll probably make more money out on your own. When youre being continually emotionally crushed you dont think as sharply, youre less creative and less productive. On paper it might look good to live at home but youll probably do better on your own.
Realize that your mom is NEVER going to be anyone but herself. That means, she is NEVER going to accept when you do something contrary to what she wants. Those kinds of expectations are the first step toward disappointment. Shes probably not going to accept you being a lesbian. Once you accept that, you can stop trying to argue with her into accepting it.
I wouldnt sever ties. Id use good roads, good weather technique. When you talk to her, keep the things she disagrees with out of the conversation. She cant have them, shes demonstrated that. I know the tendency is to want to push her into accepting things about you, but honestly, not all human beings have that ability. If she brings them up, tell her that part of your life is not up for discussion. Hang up if you need to. Eventually the two of you will be able to have a good conversation about things you both agree on, however small they are. That might be all your relationship with her is capable of.
If youre welcomed into your girlfriends family, that is wonderful. But remember that girlfriends can come and go, relying on your girlfriends family and neglecting your own isnt right. Good luck!
Mark Wilson
Supporting Member
No, don't burn your bridges. Simply move on with life, take control and move out. That's the adult way to deal with this - remove yourself from the problem and stand on your own two feet.
If your mom continues to harangue you and make you miserable, you should first warn her in specific terms about her behavior and the consequences. If the behavior doesn't change, sever communication. If your dad doesn't treat you the same way, you can always retain communication with him.
Not a good situation, but the answer is simple: you are only responsible for YOURSELF. Make your own decisions, make them the best decisions you can, and don't subject yourself to abuse.
Well, obviously, get out and stand on your own two feet and things will be better… and you COULD have waited until you were out of mom's house before coming out of the closet to her - at 32 years old I suspect you've been gay for a while, and having read the way that you described your relationship with your mother, you must have had SOME idea that she, might react the way that she has. I suspect that even if only on a subconscious level, you wanted to get that reaction out of her just to stir her up. To answer the question that you actually asked: Do not "sever all ties" when you are moved out. Just move out and do your thing. Allow some space. You don't have to call them for a while. Wait for them to call you. I highly doubt that your mother will call you up, just out of the blue, only to "persecute" you. She either won't call, or she'll get over it and call for good reasons. If she does call your home just to give you a hard time about being gay, obviously that is out of line. Without even knowing her, I highly doubt that she will. If she does, then maybe consider breaking off communication. (after having warned a few times that you'll be forced to do so if she continues) - BUT that hasn't even happened yet because you haven't moved out. You're worrying about what might happen. Don't do that.
Move out. Live your life. If she calls and gives you a hard time, tell her you don't want an argument and you have to go. Then hang up. You don't HAVE to be a drama queen (you sound like a bit of a drama queen - sorry, but you do… sounds like you come by it rightly though - thanks, ma!)
Move out. Live your life. If she calls and gives you a hard time, tell her you don't want an argument and you have to go. Then hang up. You don't HAVE to be a drama queen (you sound like a bit of a drama queen - sorry, but you do… sounds like you come by it rightly though - thanks, ma!)
Amazing post!!!!
+1 on #2yah move out it will make yah feel better. Hell at 32 even if your mom is accepting and nice then you should still move out.
I think putting some space between your mother and yourself can potentially aid this situation greatly. I wouldn't anticipate her to accept everything, or perhaps anything, but I believe once you're not around as often she may learn to appreciate you more.
ymmv
ymmv
Wooooow. Helluva thread to read while drinking beer.
Okay.
I'ma say this... I am INCREDIBLY familiar with the overbearing, domineering, commanding mother personality. It's a sumbitch for me to deal with. But... she is your mother.
I rarely talk to my mother any more, unless it's necessities. If she needs me, I listen. If she's determined to give me a bitchfest just cuz she can, I'm outta there.
It works so far for me. I'm not angry or hostile or shunning her, I just ignore her unless it's a genuine need or a legitimate discussion. But I haven't cut her completely off. I just say "Sorry, I'm hanging up!" or "Sorry, I'm leaving!" She gets the hint when she's crossing the line now.
Okay.
I'ma say this... I am INCREDIBLY familiar with the overbearing, domineering, commanding mother personality. It's a sumbitch for me to deal with. But... she is your mother.
I rarely talk to my mother any more, unless it's necessities. If she needs me, I listen. If she's determined to give me a bitchfest just cuz she can, I'm outta there.
It works so far for me. I'm not angry or hostile or shunning her, I just ignore her unless it's a genuine need or a legitimate discussion. But I haven't cut her completely off. I just say "Sorry, I'm hanging up!" or "Sorry, I'm leaving!" She gets the hint when she's crossing the line now.
If your mother doesn't accept you the way you are, F her. It's your life, not a simple decision you made to annoy her.
I wouldn't break of all contact with her, but she'd be in the sh*thouse for a while..
I wouldn't break of all contact with her, but she'd be in the sh*thouse for a while..
This is EXCELLENT advice.
Your first priority should be self-respect. Never let anyone get in the way of that.
Time tends to repair relationships with parents. I've seen it on more than one occasion. I do think it sounds like you could use a little distance right now, but I would suspect things will come around on their own after awhile. If you can possibly afford to move out, do it, but keep the lines of communication open.
you don't have to make any lifelong decisions regarding your family. things change.
what this sounds like is an extremely abusive situation. i work with domestic violence survivors as well as the GLBT community, and unfortunately, this happens a lot.
if you think that this is not a healthy situation for you right now, then make a plan to change it. you don't have to decide right now whether you want to cut them off forever. right now, it may help to not have contact/limited contact with them.
also, in the GLBT community, many people have had to leave family behind and create their own family...whather it be friends, co-workersm, allies, whatever.
i dunno, my definition of family is whoever makes you feel supported and safe. it ain't always about blood.
feel free to PM me if you want to chat or anything.
what this sounds like is an extremely abusive situation. i work with domestic violence survivors as well as the GLBT community, and unfortunately, this happens a lot.
if you think that this is not a healthy situation for you right now, then make a plan to change it. you don't have to decide right now whether you want to cut them off forever. right now, it may help to not have contact/limited contact with them.
also, in the GLBT community, many people have had to leave family behind and create their own family...whather it be friends, co-workersm, allies, whatever.
i dunno, my definition of family is whoever makes you feel supported and safe. it ain't always about blood.
feel free to PM me if you want to chat or anything.
Sever your ties move out till you get settled in your life, but keep somewhat in touch with your mom. Let her know you mean business.
you can't get out soon enough.
you can't get out soon enough.
