So my Fiance does not like the fact that I play bass, enjoy cars, and record songs. I havent been in a band since we been together which has been about 2 years. I got invited to play bass in a concert earlier this week, and ever since my girlfriend has been upset. We live together and have a child, but I am always home with her not doing anything but watching tv and changing diapers. I see this as an opportunity to go out and do something and she has been mad this whole week. There are a total of 5 practices 2 hours each and a performance. She says I do too much in reality I dont do anything. Have any of yall been in this situation and what do you do? Am I wrong for wanting to do other things in life? I love my girl a lot and our son but damn i dont want to change diapers and watch tv til i die.
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Fiance Doesnt Like my hobbies
- Thread starter KiDD QuE
- Start date
Sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
Key to that being "ex"
You are definitely not wrong for wanting to get out and do something. I am very much behind every guy being an involved parent, but it doesn't mean life should be over.
Key to that being "ex"
You are definitely not wrong for wanting to get out and do something. I am very much behind every guy being an involved parent, but it doesn't mean life should be over.
Offer to give her a night off once a week or so. She may just be jelous and a night to hang out with her friends could be just the thing.
Without being too out of line, and you'll forgive my saying this as you put it out there.
You are with the wrong person as this sounds unhealthy. Or at least she is a very controlling person. The above mentionned give her a night would be a good indicator to how to play this.
No bueno. Hope you two can come to an understanding.
You are with the wrong person as this sounds unhealthy. Or at least she is a very controlling person. The above mentionned give her a night would be a good indicator to how to play this.
No bueno. Hope you two can come to an understanding.
We alternate everything we do. I tell her all the time she wouldnt understand unless she had a hobby. She says she doesnt like to do anything and our son is her hobby. I'm always trying to get her to go out, she just doesnt want to. I dont go out either, but i do enjoy my music and my cars.
KiDD QuE said:
I understand completely that her hobby is her son (shouldn't exactly be a 'hobby'), but that doesn't mean that you guys shouldn't have any free time. I feel like the fact that she has nothing to do makes her feel like you should have nothing to do..
Have you invited her to the show? Maybe you could get a baby sitter and just have a night out together.
Was in a similar relationship (thankfully without a kid) and even after 7 years spent together, I had to end it.
Her insecurities were too big, her stubbornness too much of an obstacle, and her unwillingness to see my point of view was nonexistent. Though I don't have a band, I couldn't even play at all without her frowning, scowling, and telling me it was a big waste of time. She equated playing an instrument with essentially remaining a child. To her, a boy plays a guitar... not a man.
I wouldn't be too surprised if her POV tends to gravitate towards the same ideas. She's attributing you doing all of this music stuff as being a waste of time and you being immature and therefore not taking being a parent seriously (or at least not as seriously as you could).
Have a talk with her. It can't hurt, but I'll be betting dollars to doughnuts that you won't change her mind and you, as a couple, will remain decidedly divided on this issue.
Her insecurities were too big, her stubbornness too much of an obstacle, and her unwillingness to see my point of view was nonexistent. Though I don't have a band, I couldn't even play at all without her frowning, scowling, and telling me it was a big waste of time. She equated playing an instrument with essentially remaining a child. To her, a boy plays a guitar... not a man.
I wouldn't be too surprised if her POV tends to gravitate towards the same ideas. She's attributing you doing all of this music stuff as being a waste of time and you being immature and therefore not taking being a parent seriously (or at least not as seriously as you could).
Have a talk with her. It can't hurt, but I'll be betting dollars to doughnuts that you won't change her mind and you, as a couple, will remain decidedly divided on this issue.
Yikes. Dude, that's not good. Your girl HAS to be cool with your hobbies or this stuff ain't gonna work. Make sure she has her own, though. I've known women who get mad at ANYTHING their sig.other does because they have nothing going on for themselves.
You need to take a stand for yourself and find balance. If you give in you'll slowly go mad. My wife knew I was a musician when we met. She's NEVER given me grief about late nights, rehearsals, gigs, or anything. Her only stipulation is that if I buy any gear, it can't touch bill money. I think that's pretty fair. I guess I got lucky. My wife is beautiful, understanding, and loves to be around me, but can stand on her own too. Several of my musician friends have said "...if she weren't yours, man..." it feels good to know I got something good here.
- Oct 7, 2000
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- Endorsing artist: Musicman basses
Sounds like a bad situation if ya ask me. I don't think there's anything you can do right now that's going to make this change or go away. The dynamics have been set, you've gone along with them, doing things differently is going to cause friction. Period. But IMO, and pretty much everyone else's, I think you have to start doing things differently. Or leave.
Gonna put this out there too, that it's sad to me that so many people are completely against any kind of counseling. Don't know whether you are or not, but 9 out of 10 times when I bring that up to a couple who's in trouble, what comes next is a barrage of reasons why they can't or won't, or think they can get the same results from a friend. I have lots of friends who know lots about relationships, and I'd have never learned from them the things I've learned from going to counseling with my wife, and the girl I was going with for 4 years before I met my wife. Been together 16 years with my wife, and we're still best friends. 12 years ago it was waaaaay different, and we both have grown and changed a lot. And we got a lot of help from going to therapy.
By getting a counselor you wind up with someone who has an objective view of what's going on. They have a lot of experience (most of em anyhow) on how people relate, have studied it, and yes, often have a little bit more than a friend might have to offer. They've helped me, my ex girlfriend, and my wife see things through a different perspective. I was amazed more than once at things we were both doing, as a couple, and... well, it helped. A lot. Helped me get out of the other relationship, and helped me stay, happily, in this one. I'll add that I'm a pretty introspective and self aware person also.
When a couple is going it alone it's next to impossible to get things to change. They almost always get worse. The same garbage just keeps getting spun and rehashed over and over in different ways. Without trying new things, and allowing other people's perspectives in, well, I think couples in trouble are stuck.
A lack of willingness to change or at least try, on either part is also a good indicator of what's to come. Last note I'll put out on this also is that regardless of how "messed up" or out of line one of the 2 in a relationship seem, if it ain't working the responsiblity is equal. 50/50. Even if it's because one is allowing the other to be the way are and putting up with it. Both people have equal issues that need to be grown out of. And it's possible.
Gonna put this out there too, that it's sad to me that so many people are completely against any kind of counseling. Don't know whether you are or not, but 9 out of 10 times when I bring that up to a couple who's in trouble, what comes next is a barrage of reasons why they can't or won't, or think they can get the same results from a friend. I have lots of friends who know lots about relationships, and I'd have never learned from them the things I've learned from going to counseling with my wife, and the girl I was going with for 4 years before I met my wife. Been together 16 years with my wife, and we're still best friends. 12 years ago it was waaaaay different, and we both have grown and changed a lot. And we got a lot of help from going to therapy.
By getting a counselor you wind up with someone who has an objective view of what's going on. They have a lot of experience (most of em anyhow) on how people relate, have studied it, and yes, often have a little bit more than a friend might have to offer. They've helped me, my ex girlfriend, and my wife see things through a different perspective. I was amazed more than once at things we were both doing, as a couple, and... well, it helped. A lot. Helped me get out of the other relationship, and helped me stay, happily, in this one. I'll add that I'm a pretty introspective and self aware person also.
When a couple is going it alone it's next to impossible to get things to change. They almost always get worse. The same garbage just keeps getting spun and rehashed over and over in different ways. Without trying new things, and allowing other people's perspectives in, well, I think couples in trouble are stuck.
A lack of willingness to change or at least try, on either part is also a good indicator of what's to come. Last note I'll put out on this also is that regardless of how "messed up" or out of line one of the 2 in a relationship seem, if it ain't working the responsiblity is equal. 50/50. Even if it's because one is allowing the other to be the way are and putting up with it. Both people have equal issues that need to be grown out of. And it's possible.
Sounds like she's depressed. This can kill relationships. I don't have much on the way of good advice, as my recourse with relationship problems is to leave them, but having a child involved makes this very complicated.
If you value your relationship with her, try to see if there's anything you can do with her depression. You need to get out and play music once in a while. My girlfriend is the same way in that I think she would rather have me to herself at home, but she understands that she needs to let me go out and do my thing in order for me to be happy. If she continues to use guilt to make you feel bad about going out, then perhaps a relationship counselor can help.
If you value your relationship with her, try to see if there's anything you can do with her depression. You need to get out and play music once in a while. My girlfriend is the same way in that I think she would rather have me to herself at home, but she understands that she needs to let me go out and do my thing in order for me to be happy. If she continues to use guilt to make you feel bad about going out, then perhaps a relationship counselor can help.
I've been through this and I've been married 37 years.
No offense, but a number of responses show little understanding and are giving bad advice.
First, many woman feel depressed after childbirth; the baby blues. Even without depression her life has changed dramatically and every dream she ever had now has to line up behind the baby, maybe for the next 18 years.
She is feeling vulnerable and insecure and imagines other women being attracted to you while she may still be recovering her figure. She's jealous of your relative freedom as well as potential relationships.
There's nothing wrong with any of this, it is a natural human reaction.
DO NOT USE REASON! Continue to be attentive, emotionally reassuring and realize that loving one another means learning to understand and meet each others needs.
No offense, but a number of responses show little understanding and are giving bad advice.
First, many woman feel depressed after childbirth; the baby blues. Even without depression her life has changed dramatically and every dream she ever had now has to line up behind the baby, maybe for the next 18 years.
She is feeling vulnerable and insecure and imagines other women being attracted to you while she may still be recovering her figure. She's jealous of your relative freedom as well as potential relationships.
There's nothing wrong with any of this, it is a natural human reaction.
DO NOT USE REASON! Continue to be attentive, emotionally reassuring and realize that loving one another means learning to understand and meet each others needs.
