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Fiance Doesnt Like my hobbies
- Thread starter KiDD QuE
- Start date
I was in a band when we met, but she never stood up front or even watched. She was always in the back gabbing with her friends, now that I think back to it. Should've known then......
The problem didn't get ugly until we were living together. My band broke up before we moved into a place together and I was inactive for a couple of years. When a friend recruited me into his band, she completely lost it almost every time I got ready for practice. Her reason was that all musicians are man-whores that doink every ditsy girl at their shows.
- Jan 27, 2010
- 4,141
- 471
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- Endorsing Artist: Genz Benz Amplification
Your kid is her hobby. She wants your hobby to be her. Some women are just too insecure to allow their man to have anything else important in their life besides them.
Bloodhammer said:....Her reason was that all musicians are man-whores that doink every ditsy girl at their shows.
Been there. Although I've never exhibited behavior even remotely close to that, my girl utterly changed her tune when I agreed to not drink(at all) at gigs. No longer an issue.
Man! as already said ,,,,that sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
does she have a problem with anything you take an interest in? Is it just the band ?
Sounds like she possibly wants and needs more attention than you can give while maintaining some healthy personal interests . I wouldn't give up all hobbies and do nothing in an attempt to please someone ,I tried it , it doesn't work ,I was miserable and ended up divorced. I bet she feels neglected and like she doesn't get enough attention. Dig thru her fits and anger and this may be a possibility. Maybe she feels she doesn't give you enough and is afraid you'll stray given the chance .
Or maybe she's just a controlling person .
does she have a problem with anything you take an interest in? Is it just the band ?
Sounds like she possibly wants and needs more attention than you can give while maintaining some healthy personal interests . I wouldn't give up all hobbies and do nothing in an attempt to please someone ,I tried it , it doesn't work ,I was miserable and ended up divorced. I bet she feels neglected and like she doesn't get enough attention. Dig thru her fits and anger and this may be a possibility. Maybe she feels she doesn't give you enough and is afraid you'll stray given the chance .
Or maybe she's just a controlling person .
I have to say that when I red this I was all * I didn't say THAT* but I guess I pretty much did. Good point Mike- perhaps I shouldn't be so flippant w/someone else's problem. I will say even a very good match requires work and cooperation from both ends to last- that's IME.
There's no consensus, from what I read here.
In my personal experience, if somebody is that selfish and insecure that they cannot understand somebody having a passion for something so universally part of everybody's life such as music, there's nothing that can be done to change their minds.
I lived with somebody like that in my life for 7 years and would never repeat the experience. Hell, my friends had nicknamed her "dreamcrusher." Took me a long time to come around and admit to myself that she'll never be any different. Consequently, she'll never truly "get" me and frankly, if there's *one* person that should, it should be the mother of your kid and/or the person you are married to.
Luckily, I called it off before we ever made a wedding-related phone call. *wipes sweat off forehead*
As someone who was unhappily married for many years (and now extremely happy to be divorced) I can say a few things from experience:
personality issues/conflicts as a couple only get worse after marriage, not better.
similarly
marriage will make your relationship problems worse, not better.
counseling will only go so far, especially if one of the people refuses to admit that they see things the wrong way, which it sounds like your fiancee does. A classic case of the "i'm right and i'm gonna be a b---h until you do what I want" syndrome.
Like Bloodhammer, I tried and tried and tried to make my ex-wife happy. There was no way I could make a person like her happy, in fact no one can. In fact, she's cheating on her new boyfriend like she cheated on me. I tried so hard because I didn't want my kid to grow up in a "broken" home, but staying together and arguing constantly was more broken than being split up. My daughter is happy and healthy and understands why mom and dad don't live together any more.
It's a hard decision to make, but ask yourself if you think things are really capable of being repaired, or if quitting music and cars is really the issue. I think the real issue is control.
personality issues/conflicts as a couple only get worse after marriage, not better.
similarly
marriage will make your relationship problems worse, not better.
counseling will only go so far, especially if one of the people refuses to admit that they see things the wrong way, which it sounds like your fiancee does. A classic case of the "i'm right and i'm gonna be a b---h until you do what I want" syndrome.
Like Bloodhammer, I tried and tried and tried to make my ex-wife happy. There was no way I could make a person like her happy, in fact no one can. In fact, she's cheating on her new boyfriend like she cheated on me. I tried so hard because I didn't want my kid to grow up in a "broken" home, but staying together and arguing constantly was more broken than being split up. My daughter is happy and healthy and understands why mom and dad don't live together any more.
It's a hard decision to make, but ask yourself if you think things are really capable of being repaired, or if quitting music and cars is really the issue. I think the real issue is control.
Man, this is sad. I feel for you, and hope everything can work out alright. 
Sometimes I fell like my GF secretly believes that sooner or later I'm gonna quit playing music.. like it is a childish hobby, and I'm gonna grow out of it. It sucks, and I'm probably gonna be in this same situation in the future. Hope not.
Good luck man.
Sometimes I fell like my GF secretly believes that sooner or later I'm gonna quit playing music.. like it is a childish hobby, and I'm gonna grow out of it. It sucks, and I'm probably gonna be in this same situation in the future. Hope not.
Good luck man.
I'd say run, but you have a kid with her.
When you grow up and have kids, you have to make certain sacrifices and compromises.
When you grow up and have kids, you have to make certain sacrifices and compromises.
Tat2dHeart
Only two strings away from an attitude problem.
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably, they are both disappointed." ~ Albert Einstein
You don't have to be married for this to be the case.
You don't have to be married for this to be the case.
Devil's Advocate here:
I have two children. Playing shows is not a big deal. However, doing FIVE PRACTICES at two hours each (I'm assuming every week night this week) and THEN doing a show means that you are pretty much sticking her with the kid all week. I don't know what your/her employment situation is but dang if I want to come home for 5 nights in a row and have the kids til bedtime and then have them all day Saturday while my wife runs off with her friends. I bet you it wouldn't be as big a deal if your were JUST playing on Saturday. There is a HUGE difference.
Bands practice too much these days. If everyone involved is a pro you can email set lists and get together ONE TIME to run through some things. I do fill-in stuff all the time with NO practice. Heck, I have done dozens of shows where I MET THE BAND right before the show. Just sayin.
My first marriage ended because of my ex's hobbies. She liked to screw my drummer in her spare time.
I have two children. Playing shows is not a big deal. However, doing FIVE PRACTICES at two hours each (I'm assuming every week night this week) and THEN doing a show means that you are pretty much sticking her with the kid all week. I don't know what your/her employment situation is but dang if I want to come home for 5 nights in a row and have the kids til bedtime and then have them all day Saturday while my wife runs off with her friends. I bet you it wouldn't be as big a deal if your were JUST playing on Saturday. There is a HUGE difference.
Bands practice too much these days. If everyone involved is a pro you can email set lists and get together ONE TIME to run through some things. I do fill-in stuff all the time with NO practice. Heck, I have done dozens of shows where I MET THE BAND right before the show. Just sayin.
My first marriage ended because of my ex's hobbies. She liked to screw my drummer in her spare time.
I could have written that. All of that.
Quit being a rock star and cut her some slack. Parenting is a shared responsibility at all times. Sticking her with the child for a week while you play rockstar is unreasonable. One or two practices and the gig is more than enough. You either know the material or you don't. The players either know how to stay tight and play in band context or they don't. If they need five practices, they need 25 practices.
Your primary responsibility is to your family. Having hobbies is great and you should pursue them. Dropping out for a week to go play with the lads is a tad bit irresponsible. Furthermore, if thoughts of leaving her over this are going through your head, you're not cut out for responsible fatherhood. Tough love from this old geezer who celebrated 25 years of marriage this summer.
The last two posts are very good- but in the OP's defense, I don't think he mentioned leaving. That's the swarm talking.
The Gear Page usually recommended that as the first line. Then there would be a bunch of dudes on their 6th marriage handing out advice.
This is an opportunity for communication - try it now. Seriously. Put it all out on the table - the band thing may indeed be 'the' problem, but it could be a symptom of something more.
Sure, she may be the jealous, controlling, whatever fiance, which makes it easier to explain. Ladies can be that way. Men can be that way.
She could also be (is!) a concerned mother, fiance, and senior in college: she sees her fiance, father of child, fellow senior who is almost done with college get back into a band. Even if the venue/circumstance isn't x-rated and access to booze and drugs will be minimal, she has--or may have--a legit concern as she tries to reconcile her future dreams/assumptions (which include you and the child, I hope) with her imagination of this band thing. This could be especially so if you used to 'party' back in your old band days and she knows some old stories (this was a concern for my wife, but we've gotten through it); this could also be a problem if she's seen or experienced this before. Make sure she knows that her and your son are #1, then school, then the band... It's OK to need to reassure her a little, I think. But don't feed an insecurity monster.
As also suggested, she could simply be pissed off because she doesn't think you do enough around the house...?
Communication. Communication. Communication. Honest, but tactful, communication!
Sure, she may be the jealous, controlling, whatever fiance, which makes it easier to explain. Ladies can be that way. Men can be that way.
She could also be (is!) a concerned mother, fiance, and senior in college: she sees her fiance, father of child, fellow senior who is almost done with college get back into a band. Even if the venue/circumstance isn't x-rated and access to booze and drugs will be minimal, she has--or may have--a legit concern as she tries to reconcile her future dreams/assumptions (which include you and the child, I hope) with her imagination of this band thing. This could be especially so if you used to 'party' back in your old band days and she knows some old stories (this was a concern for my wife, but we've gotten through it); this could also be a problem if she's seen or experienced this before. Make sure she knows that her and your son are #1, then school, then the band... It's OK to need to reassure her a little, I think. But don't feed an insecurity monster.
As also suggested, she could simply be pissed off because she doesn't think you do enough around the house...?
Communication. Communication. Communication. Honest, but tactful, communication!
i worked some stuff out with my wife recently about band... part of it was i was spending too much time. you may have to quit everything to do band. I sure did. Heck i don't have much time for anything else.
She was honest and discussed what her problem was. being away for band rehersal, travel included, 8hrs a week was too much. We've worked thru it because that was a tangible thing. My wife is insecure about some other things. But that's because I broke her trust (no i didn't cheat). I've rectified that situation and were moving on.
I'm sorry but you have to ask her why. If she can't be honest and tell you how/what she is feeling about band your not going to be able to work it out.
If it comes down to she doesn't trust you for whatever reason...
... get some
BTW my wife didn't have a hobby... but recently she has started volunteering at my kids school and meeting new people and even hanging out with them. This seems to have helped tremendously as she has a "thing" she wants to do now.
good luck man... it's difficult.
ill reiterate... she has to be honest about why she doesn't like the band
She was honest and discussed what her problem was. being away for band rehersal, travel included, 8hrs a week was too much. We've worked thru it because that was a tangible thing. My wife is insecure about some other things. But that's because I broke her trust (no i didn't cheat). I've rectified that situation and were moving on.
I'm sorry but you have to ask her why. If she can't be honest and tell you how/what she is feeling about band your not going to be able to work it out.
If it comes down to she doesn't trust you for whatever reason...
... get some BTW my wife didn't have a hobby... but recently she has started volunteering at my kids school and meeting new people and even hanging out with them. This seems to have helped tremendously as she has a "thing" she wants to do now.
good luck man... it's difficult.
ill reiterate... she has to be honest about why she doesn't like the band
wait are you practicing every night this week? (lots of wifes would have issues with this)
or is it one practice a week for the next 5 weeks then the performance? <this is more reasonable ...
she's at home... you get to go play... she doesn't.... it may be as simple as this!
or is it one practice a week for the next 5 weeks then the performance? <this is more reasonable ...
she's at home... you get to go play... she doesn't.... it may be as simple as this!
^^^^^
Ring-a-ding-ding! Communication, specifically reasonable/rational communication is lacking and needs to show up ASAP.
Ring-a-ding-ding! Communication, specifically reasonable/rational communication is lacking and needs to show up ASAP.
