Fiance Doesnt Like my hobbies

[turbo chicken]

start with the "how does me being in this band make you FEEL?" ... follow up with "What about it makes you FEEL that way?"

i had to come back and say it again... you both have to be completely honest about the situation. no holding back...

 

[fourstringdrums]

Sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

Key to that being "ex"

You are definitely not wrong for wanting to get out and do something. I am very much behind every guy being an involved parent, but it doesn't mean life should be over.

Sounds like mine too.

You have to have your own hobbies or else you're going to resent her and drive yourself crazy. Have you talked to her why she hates it so much? It sounds like she might be jealous/insecure. Does SHE have any hobbies?

 

[Munjibunga]

Who financially supports the family?

 

[MatticusMania]

Bloodhammer.....did the musical interest start up after you two became a couple, or was she cool with it at one time, or did you pursue the relationship even though you knew she wasn't cool with it?

-Mike

I dont even know if it matters. If Im in a relationship, and one day out of nowhere I take an interest in, lets say, RC Cars I should be able to pursue that interest, bearing that I can afford to. If she doesnt share that interest thats okay, but it shouldnt stop me from partaking in it every now and then. The same would apply to my partner if she took interest in a hobby.

 

[MatticusMania]

However, doing FIVE PRACTICES at two hours each (I'm assuming every week night this week) and THEN doing a show means that you are pretty much sticking her with the kid all week. I don't know what your/her employment situation is but dang if I want to come home for 5 nights in a row and have the kids til bedtime and then have them all day Saturday while my wife runs off with her friends. I bet you it wouldn't be as big a deal if your were JUST playing on Saturday. There is a HUGE difference.

Sticking her with the child for a week while you play rockstar is unreasonable.

Though, the OP did not say that all 5 practices were in one week. He siad 5 total, and didnt mention how far off the gig was. It could be in a month for all we know. However, I will agree with these posts if all 5 practices are in the same week.

 

[chuck norriss]

OP: You're engaged to my ex wife?

 

[kbraker510]

Get rid of her and pay child support... Otherwise She will get bored and look for something(or someone)to do....

 

[bmc]

Get rid of her and pay child support... Otherwise She will get bored and look for something(or someone)to do....

Good advice: think and act like like an 8 year old.

 

[hrodbert696]

Fact of life: Women are jealous of guys' time. Nothing is going to change that, and you have to live with it unless you prefer to be Mr. Playa banging skanky hoes with no commitments. Let's assume that's not you.

It's a lot easier for a guy to walk away from a relationship than a girl when there's a kid involved. No matter what happens, there's the kid, and she's the one who's going to have to take responsibility for it in 99% of situations. This scares women when they worry that their guy is starting to drift off.

Now, with those as givens, there are two kinds of women; women who understand that a guy needs some guy time to recharge, and then he'll come back, and women who don't understand that and don't see why he doesn't spend all his time with her and the baby 24/7, 365 days a year.

So you need to put it to her; you love her, you're committed to her, you're committed to the baby, but you need some guy time or you're going to burn out. Your guy-time thing is playing in a band. For other guys it might be bowling or fishing or whatever, doesn't matter. You need to work out how you can get your guy time to recharge, without sacrificing what she and the baby actually need from you.

If she gets it, you work it out and go on to have a great relationship. If she doesn't get it, she turns the relationship into a living hell till you can't take it any more and run away with a barista named Samantha. (You probably shouldn't tell her that part when you have The Talk. Women take it badly. Find a diplomatic way to get the idea across).

If there are outside figures she respects - parents, a pastor, older married friends or co-workers - it can help if they're the ones who give her the hint to let her guy have a little guy time.

 

[MatticusMania]

Fact of life: Women are jealous of guys' time. Nothing is going to change that, and you have to live with it unless you prefer to be Mr. Playa banging skanky hoes with no commitments. Let's assume that's not you.

It's a lot easier for a guy to walk away from a relationship than a girl when there's a kid involved. No matter what happens, there's the kid, and she's the one who's going to have to take responsibility for it in 99% of situations. This scares women when they worry that their guy is starting to drift off.

Now, with those as givens, there are two kinds of women; women who understand that a guy needs some guy time to recharge, and then he'll come back, and women who don't understand that and don't see why he doesn't spend all his time with her and the baby 24/7, 365 days a year.

So you need to put it to her; you love her, you're committed to her, you're committed to the baby, but you need some guy time or you're going to burn out. Your guy-time thing is playing in a band. For other guys it might be bowling or fishing or whatever, doesn't matter. You need to work out how you can get your guy time to recharge, without sacrificing what she and the baby actually need from you.

If she gets it, you work it out and go on to have a great relationship. If she doesn't get it, she turns the relationship into a living hell till you can't take it any more and run away with a barista named Samantha. (You probably shouldn't tell her that part when you have The Talk. Women take it badly. Find a diplomatic way to get the idea across).

If there are outside figures she respects - parents, a pastor, older married friends or co-workers - it can help if they're the ones who give her the hint to let her guy have a little guy time.

Well said!

 

[A-Step-Towards]

She fits all definitions of a Succubus:

"One who leeches on and eventually completely consumes the very essence of man's soul, leaving an empty and shattered shell of what once was a free and ultimately superior human being destined for greatness.

The evil spirit of these heartless creature is almost invisible at first sight; however, after a few months, one could find himself with: no money and no friends, lack of hobbies, little or no sense of reality, and/or self respect. These evil demons begin their hunt at age 14 and continue until they have successfully stripped one man of all his pride. "


Other Definitions,
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=succubus

 

[MatticusMania]

She fits all definitions of a Succubus:

"One who leeches on and eventually completely consumes the very essence of man's soul, leaving an empty and shattered shell of what once was a free and ultimately superior human being destined for greatness.

The evil spirit of these heartless creature is almost invisible at first sight; however, after a few months, one could find himself with: no money and no friends, lack of hobbies, little or no sense of reality, and/or self respect. These evil demons begin their hunt at age 14 and continue until they have successfully stripped one man of all his pride. "

Other Definitions,
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=succubus

Not all... In folklore traced back to medieval legend, a succubus (plural succubi) is a female demon or supernatural being appearing in dreams, who takes the form of a human woman in order to seduce men, usually through sexual intercourse.

Im not seeing the supernatural at play here, in fact it sounds entirely ordinary.

 

[EricF]

Amazing conclusions can be made when you look at only one person's side of a story.

 

[BassyBill]

Bands practice too much these days. If everyone involved is a pro you can email set lists and get together ONE TIME to run through some things. I do fill-in stuff all the time with NO practice. Heck, I have done dozens of shows where I MET THE BAND right before the show. Just sayin.

Just focusing on the musical aspects of this situation, I was thinking something similar. I've worked in very similar situations to what you say here, no problem. Bands very often think they need more practice than they really should. With technology the way it is these days, there is no need for much rehearsal for many gigs. I'm talking straight rehearsal here as opposed to joint writing sessions for originals bands or whatever. Rehearsal is NOT practice and it is definitely not the place to learn your material for a covers gig.

Sharing charts (or tabs for non readers), YouTube vids, mp3s, lead sheets, set lists, Skype calls, whatever - any band in which everyone has an Internet connection can learn material without hardly meeting up for the typical covers gig. I did one last year where five of us got together for a one off event. We had one rehearsal, and that was enough because everybody was clued in beforehand. I used the singer from my regular band and she commented on how we got more done in one rehearsal than we get done in five with our normal line up. It's all down to everyone being organised and prepared.

SHORT VERSION: Why do you guys think you need five practices for one gig?

 

[turbo chicken]

Amazing conclusions can be made when you look at only one person's side of a story.

Yep... we are assuming he's a good guy and means well, and honestly believes he is taking care of his families needs.

Not knowing the specifics we have to make assumptions ... i wouldn't think that is a bad one.

 

[Munjibunga]

Who financially supports the family?

 

[scorpionldr]

So my Fiance does not like the fact that I play bass, enjoy cars, and record songs. I havent been in a band since we been together which has been about 2 years. I got invited to play bass in a concert earlier this week, and ever since my girlfriend has been upset. We live together and have a child, but I am always home with her not doing anything but watching tv and changing diapers. I see this as an opportunity to go out and do something and she has been mad this whole week. There are a total of 5 practices 2 hours each and a performance. She says I do too much in reality I dont do anything. Have any of yall been in this situation and what do you do? Am I wrong for wanting to do other things in life? I love my girl a lot and our son but damn i dont want to change diapers and watch tv til i die.

Have a nice life

 

[spade2you]

Have a nice life

It's not wrong not to want to do something. Not doing it on the other hand....

I don't want to work a 10 hour shift and go home to play diaper roulette. BTW, I lost the last 2 days in a row.

 

[Phil Smith]

So my Fiance does not like the fact that I play bass, enjoy cars, and record songs. I havent been in a band since we been together which has been about 2 years. I got invited to play bass in a concert earlier this week, and ever since my girlfriend has been upset. We live together and have a child, but I am always home with her not doing anything but watching tv and changing diapers. I see this as an opportunity to go out and do something and she has been mad this whole week. There are a total of 5 practices 2 hours each and a performance. She says I do too much in reality I dont do anything. Have any of yall been in this situation and what do you do? Am I wrong for wanting to do other things in life? I love my girl a lot and our son but damn i dont want to change diapers and watch tv til i die.

Your mistake is not pursuing your hobbies and hobbies during the relationship and consequently you have communicated that these things aren't really that important to you. Some people in a relationship don't like when you change even if that change is for the greater good for you as well as them. I'm sure every couch spud gets flack when they begin engaging in physical activity that no longer lands them on the couch.

I sympathize with you, but you made this choice, the bed, the couch...change is hard...goog luck with that.

 

[Munjibunga]

I met my wife about 35 years ago and have been in bands off and on ever since. It's just part of the deal. After 30 years of marriage, I'm in two bands and subbing in another. And I have a teenage daughter.

When I interviewed to take over the company I eventually retired from, I made it clear that I would always be in a band. The then-owners asked, "What's it going to look like when the CEO of a company plays in a rock and roll band?" My answer was, "It'll look like a CEO having a good time." It would've been a deal-killer if they had balked. Everything worked out fine.

So the key is to establish with whomever is interested that music holds a very high priority in your life and, for someone to be in your life, they have to accept it or find another situation.

But once you make the ultimate commitment to someone, you owe it to that person to balance your extracurricular activities with things like changing diapers (and I've changed plenty of them). A problem for you is that you made the commitment of having a child, and you can't abandon that without suffering a significant drop in your stock with all kinds of people around you. Your first responsibility is to your spawn, even if you split the sheets with your fiancé.

BTW, who's the breadwinner in your family?