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Fiance Doesnt Like my hobbies

#81
MatticusMania said:
I dont even know if it matters.
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Sure it does. If you're in a band, and music is your life, then this is something you need to discuss with your potential partner. It's not something you bring up after you are in a committed relationship with someone if it is really important to you....oh, yes I do love you, but I forgot to tell you I love my band too. We practice a couple times a week and play gigs two or three Saturdays a month." That won't go over well.

When the hobby comes up later in the relationship, then both partners should be willing and able to discuss the time, money, and energy commitment they each need to make.

I'll use my own experience.....I played bass on and off, but I didn't care if I did or not, so I didn't say much about it when I was getting to know my wife. However, I was a huge football fan and traveled the country going to games. I talked to her about this, let her know my interest in traveling for games, she was cool about it, and sometimes went with me. Back at that point in my life, age 24, if she had responded adversely to it, I would have chosen not to pursue the relationship.

-Mike
 
#82
MJ5150 said:
Sure it does. If you're in a band, and music is your life, then this is something you need to discuss with your potential partner. It's not something you bring up after you are in a committed relationship with someone if it is really important to you....oh, yes I do love you, but I forgot to tell you I love my band too. We practice a couple times a week and play gigs two or three Saturdays a month." That won't go over well.

When the hobby comes up later in the relationship, then both partners should be willing and able to discuss the time, money, and energy commitment they each need to make.

I'll use my own experience.....I played bass on and off, but I didn't care if I did or not, so I didn't say much about it when I was getting to know my wife. However, I was a huge football fan and traveled the country going to games. I talked to her about this, let her know my interest in traveling for games, she was cool about it, and sometimes went with me. Back at that point in my life, age 24, if she had responded adversely to it, I would have chosen not to pursue the relationship.

-Mike
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So what does one do if after getting involved in a relationship one develops an intense passion for music and decides they want to play? Is that any less valid a pursuit because that passion developed later on? Couldnt it still cause the same resentment in the person who wants to take up the bass and join a band, but cannot because their other half is not keen on the idea?

What if your interest in football, at that level, did not come about until after you were involved with someone? How differently would you have gone about it? Should you not still be allowed to pursue that interest?
 
#83
Munjibunga said:
Who financially supports the family?
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Both are college students. That throws a couple of monkey wrenches into the mechanism. First, being a student can be monumentally stressful, involving both heavy schedules and immovable deadlines. Second, college is a social environment that places a stigma on parenthood and provides little opportunity to hang out with other parents.

I'm married with kids, and have a "director" level job at a Fortune 500 company. Before I got married, my fiancee already knew that music was part of me. On the other hand, I've made a number of accommodations, so that music makes economical use of my time. Most importantly, like a couple of others have mentioned, I've developed particular skills that let me get into those playing situations where there is little or no rehearsal time needed to play a gig. In addition, there were times when I dropped out of the scene for a while, such as when my kids were newborns.

It might be possible for the OP to introduce the idea that dropping out of playing is a temporary accommodation due to finishing college, but that the expectations will be different after that point.
 
#84
fdeck said:
Both are college students. That throws a couple of monkey wrenches into the mechanism. First, being a student can be monumentally stressful, involving both heavy schedules and immovable deadlines. Second, college is a social environment that places a stigma on parenthood and provides little opportunity to hang out with other parents.

I'm married with kids, and have a "director" level job at a Fortune 500 company. Before I got married, my fiancee already knew that music was part of me. On the other hand, I've made a number of accommodations, so that music makes economical use of my time. Most importantly, like a couple of others have mentioned, I've developed particular skills that let me get into those playing situations where there is little or no rehearsal time needed to play a gig. In addition, there were times when I dropped out of the scene for a while, such as when my kids were newborns.

It might be possible for the OP to introduce the idea that dropping out of playing is a temporary accommodation due to finishing college, but that the expectations will be different after that point.
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That's a good suggestion. First things first. When the OP says all he does is watch TV and change diapers, I interpret that to mean he doesn't go to work. I can understand the fiancé's concerns if he's not changing his share of diapers and not providing income. It's also easy to see how the fiancé would be jealous, especially if she doesn't have hobbies or an equal amount of time that's hers. It'd be interesting to get her perspective on this.

So we still don't know who's bankrolling the relationship.
 
#87
A-Step-Towards said:
She fits all definitions of a Succubus:

"One who leeches on and eventually completely consumes the very essence of man's soul, leaving an empty and shattered shell of what once was a free and ultimately superior human being destined for greatness.

The evil spirit of these heartless creature is almost invisible at first sight; however, after a few months, one could find himself with: no money and no friends, lack of hobbies, little or no sense of reality, and/or self respect. These evil demons begin their hunt at age 14 and continue until they have successfully stripped one man of all his pride. "

Other Definitions,
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=succubus
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I know this from personal experience.
 
#88
MatticusMania said:
So what does one do if after getting involved in a relationship one develops an intense passion for music and decides they want to play? Is that any less valid a pursuit because that passion developed later on? Couldnt it still cause the same resentment in the person who wants to take up the bass and join a band, but cannot because their other half is not keen on the idea?

What if your interest in football, at that level, did not come about until after you were involved with someone? How differently would you have gone about it? Should you not still be allowed to pursue that interest?
Click to expand...

That's why I brought up the second paragraph. If you're in a committed relationship, then decide something else becomes the passion of your life, that would be the time to discuss it with your partner. No doubt an agreement can be made between two reasonable adults.

If that desire to travel the country and watch football came about after I was in a relationship with my wife, it would have come up for discussion. I'd have to ask myself what I value more if the wife was against the idea for good reasons, the relationship or the football.

I'm not saying people can't have hobbies and interests besides their partner. I played in a gigging band for almost three years after I got married, and quit playing against the advice of my family. Honestly for me, when you commit to someone in a relationship, that comes before pursuing your own interests and passions. There is more happiness in giving that receiving.

-Mike
 
#89
MJ5150 said:
Honestly for me, when you commit to someone in a relationship, that comes before pursuing your own interests and passions. There is more happiness in giving that receiving.

-Mike
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IMO, being committed to someone doesn't mean you cannot pursue your own interests and passions. And pursuing your own interests and passions doesn't mean that you are not giving either.
 
#90
Yeah, I don't know where you guys are getting that I'm saying you can't have your own interest and passions. I don't disagree. I have mine, my wife has hers. When you place those above your partner is when I think there is a problem.

-Mike
 
#93
As a woman, I find some of the generalisations about females in relationships pretty amusing :P

Anyways - IF the OP returns...

Counselling is a good idea, to work out any issues within the relationship. Sometimes it's good to have an objective opinion about a relationship. That being said, I would be pretty wary if someone limits me from living a life outside the relationship, which sounds like what's happening here.

Sometimes, one person in the relationship wants to make said relationship their entire world. There's a lot of reasons why, including the need to be close to their partner, or being afraid of being alone. It's not a healthy relationship in the long run, though.
 
#97
KiDD QuE said:
So my Fiance does not like the fact that I play bass, enjoy cars, and record songs. I havent been in a band since we been together which has been about 2 years. I got invited to play bass in a concert earlier this week, and ever since my girlfriend has been upset. We live together and have a child, but I am always home with her not doing anything but watching tv and changing diapers. I see this as an opportunity to go out and do something and she has been mad this whole week. There are a total of 5 practices 2 hours each and a performance. She says I do too much in reality I dont do anything. Have any of yall been in this situation and what do you do? Am I wrong for wanting to do other things in life? I love my girl a lot and our son but damn i dont want to change diapers and watch tv til i die.
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Here is the big question and the kicker: what does she get to do?

If she goes out with her friends, takes those art classes she enjoys, etc etc while you sit at home...well then that seems pretty one sided. When I was in relationships in the past sure I loved the girl I was with, however I never gave up dreams and things I wanted to do and I am glad I didn't because I am currently single. Life is too short. However I of course don't know how to live a life that involves a child though. Just seems very one sided to me at first understanding.
 
#98
I have a total of 5 practices before the show. Its not 5 practices a week. I support us financially, but i am a college student and can only do so much. I think she is just going through postpartum depression. Ima just pray and hope things get better
 
#100
spade2you said:
You can pray or you can do something about it. Now that you have a kid, the party is kinda over.
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I'm not sure that the party is "over", but the rules have definitely changed. Taking care of the child HAS to be priority one. After that, it's a matter of finding a compomise that that allows both partners to thrive and feel fulfilled. If one puts their needs/wants above the other to the extent of causing resentment or completely eliminating the other's needs/wants, there is a problem.
 

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