Humorous yet meaninful quotes

[curbowkid]

"when I die, I don't want to be spread across my home town, just not cremated or anything"
-unknown

 

[Jay2U]

...and as I grew up I got older.

The complete story? I was born to die.

 

[Jay2U]

Murphy's first law: Misery goes from bad to worse.

 

[Jay2U]

Murphy's son: My father was an optimist.

 

[P. Aaron]

H.L. Mencken: Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.

 

[i_got_a_mohawk]

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.”

-(apparently) Mark Twain

 

[JohnMCA72]

Chico Marx (responding to the question, "When were you born?"): I don't remember! I was just a little baby then!

 

[EricF]

That was from the movie 'Colors'

It's older than that. I heard it long before "Colors" came out.

 

[bassteban]

*I get blamed for everything I do*
A Warner Bros cartoon character- Ralph something, who constantly daydreamed elaborate fantasies

 

[MatticusMania]

"I used to do drugs. I still do...but I used to, to." -Mitch Hedberg

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
-Hunter S. Thompson

 

[knumbskull]

well show a little faith, there's magic in the night
you ain't a beauty but hey, you're alright

 

[curbowkid]

"I'm not just high, I'm tea bagging the moon"
-stoner friend

 

[Pilgrim]

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

The Inimitable Yogi Berra

 

[Funky Ghost]

"I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
~ Woody Allen

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."
~ Albert Einstein

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
~ David Rosam

 

[pocketgroove]

"And yet it moves..." - Galileo, on his way out of the trial in which he swore that the Earth was immobile in order to appease the church of the time

 

[5StringBlues]

"I like to watch the news, because I don't like people very much and when you watch the news... if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the news and know that you're right". - Frank Zappa

 

[Rage1331]

"I'm not just high, I'm tea bagging the moon"
-stoner friend

HA! I almost dropped a glass of water on the floor.

 

[Rage1331]

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
-Hunter S. Thompson

"I think that if a person doesn't feel cynical then they're out of phase with the 20th century. Being cynical is the only way to deal with modern civilization, you can't just swallow it whole."
-Frank Zappa

"I don't know if it was the whole audience getting stoned out of their minds getting ready for the Floyd thing or what it was, but it was like playing to a painting."
-Les Claypool

 

[ehque]

"There are no stupid questions... only stupid people who ask questions"
- Chris Berman

I prefer the "there are no stupid questions, but there sure are a lot of inquisitive idiots." version.

 

[Brummie]

"We were close, he was like a father to me"
David Beckham talking about his Dad.

"Why are you mocking me for wearing a cross around my neck, no-one mocked Jesus when he started wearing one"
David Beckham to a jounalist, argueing about his style.

"We'll get Brooklyn Christened, but we don't know which religeo to choose yet"
David Beckham to a journalist, discussing religeon.