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I Am The Bad Guy

deeptubes

deeptubes

Feb 21, 2011
1,884
881
#1
I think my 2 year old daughter, Elise, has begun to perceive me as the bad guy. Our sitter is a friend of my wife and has an 11 year old girl name Skye. Elise LOVES playing with Skye. My wife drops her off on her way to work - I work days, she works evenings. When I show up to pick her up, she repeats "No, daddy! No daddy!" I typically let her hang and play for an extra hour, hour and a half, but when I put her in the car she's typically crying and screaming because she doesn't want to leave. 2 days a week my mother-in-law comes over and watches her at our house. When I get home from work on those days, she starts crying and clinching mom. Elise screams bloody murder and often cries for an extended period when mom leaves. When my wife leaves, she cries. When I'm not home, I don't think she even notices.

I think she views my wife as "the fun one" and me as "the one who kills funtime". Perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion. After she settles down, we have a ball! I'm the one who roughhouses with her. We chase each other around the house, hootin' and hollerin'. But the fact that she frequently acts like she doesn't want me around eats me up inside, even if it's just temporary. It really sucks when your little one slams the door in your face, in an effort to keep you away. Tears my heart out. She is my everything. :crying:
 
#2
I know she is only 2 so I am not sure this will work, but once you have her settled down, try talking to her. Maybe something about you is bothering her. Talk to your wife too. If nothing else than for comfort. I can't honestly say I go through the same, but my son seems to have afraid of daddy phases.
 
#3
My test-wife and I divorced when our daughter was almost 2. There was a long time (over a year, if I recall) when she would scream and/or cry after I picked her up from her mom's house, and she always seemed to be happy to leave when her mom picked her up from me. It hurts like hell. It will pass. There is a long road ahead for both of you.
 
#4
deeptubes said:
I think my 2 year old daughter, Elise, has begun to perceive me as the bad guy. Our sitter is a friend of my wife and has an 11 year old girl name Skye. Elise LOVES playing with Skye. My wife drops her off on her way to work - I work days, she works evenings. When I show up to pick her up, she repeats "No, daddy! No daddy!" I typically let her hang and play for an extra hour, hour and a half, but when I put her in the car she's typically crying and screaming because she doesn't want to leave. 2 days a week my mother-in-law comes over and watches her at our house. When I get home from work on those days, she starts crying and clinching mom. Elise screams bloody murder and often cries for an extended period when mom leaves. When my wife leaves, she cries. When I'm not home, I don't think she even notices.

I think she views my wife as "the fun one" and me as "the one who kills funtime". Perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion. After she settles down, we have a ball! I'm the one who roughhouses with her. We chase each other around the house, hootin' and hollerin'. But the fact that she frequently acts like she doesn't want me around eats me up inside, even if it's just temporary. It really sucks when your little one slams the door in your face, in an effort to keep you away. Tears my heart out. She is my everything. :crying:
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That's rough, sorry to hear it. But like you say, it is just a phase. Sometimes my 5-year-old grandson says he doesn't want to come with her when my wife pick him up. Then when we drop him off at home the next day he doesn't want to leave us. :confused: Kids, go figure
 
#5
EricF said:
My test-wife and I divorced when our daughter was almost 2. There was a long time (over a year, if I recall) when she would scream and/or cry after I picked her up from her mom's house, and she always seemed to be happy to leave when her mom picked her up from me. It hurts like hell. It will pass. There is a long road ahead for both of you.
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Sorry to hear that bro, you a good man and I like reading your posts here on T.b.
 
#7
slobake said:
Sorry to hear that bro, you a good man and I like reading your posts here on T.b.
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We're well past that phase now - she's 14. At the moment, she thinks I'm a pretty cool dad (this phase won't last long, either ;) ) because I play in a band, I'm knowledgeable about a lot of current music that she likes, and give her realistic input and guidance on things happening in her life.

Thanks, slobake. Cheers! :)
 
#8
Yeah. My head knows that she's just temporarily upset with me and she'll get over it. But, it still hurts my heart. Really sucks when your child is crying her eyes out and won't let you console her.
 
#10
deeptubes said:
Yeah. My head knows that she's just temporarily upset with me and she'll get over it. But, it still hurts my heart. Really sucks when your child is crying her eyes out and won't let you console her.
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I feel you on that- I have two girls,now in their twenties. When they were that age, there was a lot of the kind of drama you describe-their Mom and I had just gotten divorced, and they'd get upset with me like that all the time,too. It was hard to deal with-I just kept telling myself raising kids is a long-term game, and that it would someday be OK. When they became older, it got a lot better- by the time they were teenagers, they thought I was pretty cool because I did a lot of stuff with them(baseball games, fishing, camping,etc.), and,as was mentioned earlier, I could talk to them about their lives, share some of my experiences with them, and appreciate their music(my oldest daughter liked rock, my youngest daughter liked country, my son liked rap-sheesh!). I think the important thing was for me not to let them see how much that stuff upset me at that young age, and to not overreact. Anyway, kind of a long-winded way to say don't worry about it-it won't always be that way.
 
#11
deeptubes said:
Yeah. My head knows that she's just temporarily upset with me and she'll get over it. But, it still hurts my heart. Really sucks when your child is crying her eyes out and won't let you console her.
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I have felt your pain, man. Hang in there and keep being a good dad. At two, this is not a carefully planned scheme to manipulate your emotions (that will come later - lol). She's just feeling the stress of changing scenery. Keep working on building a routine of enjoyable experiences with just you and her together.
 
#12
Just one observation: At pickup time, she cries, you stay for an additional hour or more, then she cries when you(both)really do have to go; maybe she's just trying to milk you for more fun time. I dunno but if you consistently tell her *its time to go* then, by not leaving anytime soon, demonstrate that you don't mean what you say and/or that she is in charge... well, who what 2-yr-old wouldn't work you for more of what she wants?
 
#13
bassteban said:
Just one observation: At pickup time, she cries, you stay for an additional hour or more, then she cries when you(both)really do have to go; maybe she's just trying to milk you for more fun time. I dunno but if you consistently tell her *its time to go* then, by not leaving anytime soon, demonstrate that you don't mean what you say and/or that she is in charge... well, who what 2-yr-old wouldn't work you for more of what she wants?
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Good point!
 
#14
I know the feeling. My son is my life. My and my fiancee had a huge fight a while back when he was about a year and 2 months old. We broke up and I had to move 1400 miles away to stay with family. I came back 3 months later and she was standing outside waiting for me as I pulled in to park, she was holding my son. She was crying because she was happy to see me. She put my son down to show me he knew how to walk now we both were thinking he was going to run to me happy to see me again. Instead he ran back to her crying and grabbed ahold of her leg and didn't want me to touch him. He was scared of me like he didn't even know me. Now that absolutely tore me apart and the thought still does.
 
#15
Welcome to parenthood! Part of the job description is being the bad guy. Grandma and Grandpa (or whoever) get to be all fun and candy and it's your job to enforce the rules and say it's time to go. Don't let her protests bother you; underneath, it's a good thing for her to have somebody that gives her world boundaries, it gives her structure and safety. Just make sure that you take some time to do fun things with her too - read stories, draw pictures, kick around a ball -- so that you're not exclusively the grumpy one all the time.
 
#16
bassteban said:
Just one observation: At pickup time, she cries, you stay for an additional hour or more, then she cries when you(both)really do have to go; maybe she's just trying to milk you for more fun time. I dunno but if you consistently tell her *its time to go* then, by not leaving anytime soon, demonstrate that you don't mean what you say and/or that she is in charge... well, who what 2-yr-old wouldn't work you for more of what she wants?
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She's not mature enough at two to be manipulative. I tend to agree with the above post that it's a stress related thing in the destabilizing of her playtime.
 
#17
I've had this conversation with a friend of mine and you should understand that in a marriage the woman will (almost) always try to put the kids against their father. They have this selfishness that wants all the children's love for themselves. It will be subtle and the mother may not even be conscious of it, but if she's home with them all day you'll feel it when you get home from work.
 
#18
Unrepresented said:
She's not mature enough at two to be manipulative. I tend to agree with the above post that it's a stress related thing in the destabilizing of her playtime.
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Maturity is no prerequisite for being manipulative- she may have sensed an opportunity to get more of what she wants, and naturally is going for it. DISCLAIMER: W/o being the fly on the wall in ALL the child's experiences relative to the OP, it's all just speculation. I have a bit of experience(1 son, 2 daughters)but claim no expertise, especially not regarding someone else's children.
 
#19
bassteban said:
Maturity is no prerequisite for being manipulative- she may have sensed an opportunity to get more of what she wants, and naturally is going for it. DISCLAIMER: W/o being the fly on the wall in ALL the child's experiences relative to the OP, it's all just speculation. I have a bit of experience(1 son, 2 daughters)but claim no expertise, especially not regarding someone else's children.
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Child development folks would argue with you.:)

Manipulations are learned acts, just like the ability to lie, or empathy. They are skills that usually come later in development.
 
#20
Unrepresented said:
Child development folks would argue with you.:)

Manipulations are learned acts, just like the ability to lie, or empathy. They are skills that usually come later in development.
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So if a child cries, gets results, and ramps it up- unaware of the term/concept 'manipulation', it is therefore not manipulation? I'd say I have witnessed a fair share of child development myself, and it seems a lot of *experts* are largely outside observers.
 

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