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I just quit my band

#23
grizzly228 said:
I just quit the band I helped co-found. [...]
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Everyone has his own set of minimum standards he applies to people he'll work with. There are upsides and downsides to being super flexible. There are upsides and downsides to being super inflexible. There are upsides and downsides to being somewhere in the middle.

Really, all that's important is whether you fully understand the upsides and downsides to the stance you take when you're working with an organization, and are willing to accept the consequences.

So, that's point one.

My next point is that separation from any relationship -- no matter how bad the relationship was -- always involves pain/discomfort. We all put down invisible roots. We have no idea it's happening until we have to move on (or choose to move on) and the ground underneath us gets torn up. Jobs, girlfriends (boyfriends if you're a female BG), apartments, homes, day jobs, you name it; separation always mean pain. So I think it's important to realize that even if you've make the best possible decision for you, it's easy to misread separation pain as poor-decision pain. The former can masquerade as the latter. Refuse it the right.

My third point is sort of a corollary: In relationships -- I mean once they're over and you're gone -- you tend to remember the good but forget the bad. Whether it's job or person or dwelling or band or car or truck, it was never as good as you remember it now.

My fourth point is that you should focus on the future regardless of how you're evaluating today the decision you just made. Looking back is of no value whatsoever, except for the purpose of learning what things to do (or not to do) in the future. Each time we leave an organization, we learn what to watch out for in the next one we join, and we learn things that will be of value to the next one and make us a more-desirable member. It also gives us the opportunity to fine-tune out M.O.s, in case the way we handled things in the past didn't yield quite the outcome we were hoping for. But beyond that exercise, spending any significant time mulling things over will produce only corrosive effects.

Hope this helps.
 
#25
I like to play w/ people who all contribute equally, people help load in and out until the work is done. When someone violates this they put themself in a position above the team, if your co-founder won't back you up I would be gone as well.
 
#27
I would say you did the right thing. You'll find more like-minded individuals to play with. Last big band I was in, the drummer (who started it) laid out the ground rules right away as far as what was expected, and it made things work out smoothly. We had to turn over a couple of guitar players, but they knew what was expected, and we were still able to be friends with them afterwards. It can be hard to find folks with the same mind-set, but its worth it when you do.
 
#28
I quit a band and sold all my gear once.

Worst decision ever...next to starting smoking.

I had to re buy all my gear again once I calmed down and realized I was an idiot and like playing bass.

But I was 19 then.
 
#30
lfmn16 said:
What has changed in a month that takes you from the top of the world to ready to stop playing? You either need some meds or some thicker skin.
.
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Thanks, that makes me feel better considering I was on anti depressants and am seeing a psychologist.

Did I overreact? Probably. Is what they are doing right? No. A band is a bunch of relationships and there are bound to be fights, but everybody else in the band has had their screw-ups and emotions, but whenever I have something to say they brush me off and say "let it go." If they can't at least consider how I feel, what sort of relationship is that? I let them go instead.
 
#31
craig.p said:
But beyond that exercise, spending any significant time mulling things over will produce only corrosive effects.

Hope this helps.
Click to expand...

Thanks. Good advice. I'm starting to come to terms with the good and the bad. I saw their ad on Craigslist to replace me; it was kind of cathargic. At least they didn't talk bad about me in the ad. LOL. I felt I had to leave or my friendships would eventually corrode. I'd rather be their friends than their bandmates and eventually grow to hate them all.
 
#32
KTFunkAlive said:
Why not just pack-up your own gear...and leave.

Maybe I'm missing something, but if I'm playing with "prim a-donas"
who won't help with tear-down, I just leave with my stuff.
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I normally would, but I've been helping with the PA gear as well. I already have my 97 pound bass amp and two 60 pound mains to fit into my little sedan along with my basses and the mic stands and speaker stands. Of course, the singer takes none of that, nor lifts a finger during set up or break down. I've been in a few bands over the last ten years and never had a band mate just sit and wait for everything to get set up before lifting a finger. I did it one time to see what would happen and I was getting dirty looks from the stage as I ate my chicken tenders; what's good for the goose should be good for the gander and that's why I felt I had to leave.
 
#33
jarrydee said:
Stepping on your cables? How dare he. over reacting I say, I am sure the girlfriends opinion did not help the situation much, Id put money on that being the nail in the coffin.
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LOL. I know it sounds petty, but he does it all the time and doesn't care. I've asked him, told him, warned him repeatedly and he doesn't care. I was tempted to start bumping into his mic stand and kicking his acoustic around, but I have too much respect for people's gear. He apparently doesn't. I can't work with people who don't respect each other. I've spent a lot of time and money on getting gear, promoting, practicing, playing, etc. and this guy lucked into a gigging, working band and never had to earn anything and never had to invest in it. He just showed up and sang and gets paid and his ego blew up. He never had to do any of the work and to me, stepping on the cables was just a physical manifestation of him taking all my, and the guitarist's, hard work for starting the band for granted.
 
#34
You've guit, and now it's time to look forward. No sense in playing the "What if..." game.

Start a new band, with the expectations (rules seems kind of a harsh word, but...) WRITTEN DOWN, and handed out to any and all potential band mates. This will separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.
 
#35
What? A prima dona lead singer thats lazy and won't help pack up? Never heard of such a thing.:eek:

Should have just watched him after the gig and as soon as he quit packing, you do too. Don't complain to the other band members, they are sure they need him worse than you.

Oh, and tell your EX girlfriend to get a ride home with him.
 
#37
Why are you quitting a band that you co-founded? IMO it is the singer that needs to go, not you! Set down with the guitar player and tell him you are not happy with the current situation and that the singer needs to leave. If he doesn't agree, then you quit.
 
#38
this is an easy one. you just have to ask yourself two questions. 1. is this your JOB or is it your hobby? and 2. are you having fun?
if it's not your job, and you are not having fun, QUIT!
if it IS a job, you still have the right to quit, if you're unhappy, but maybe wanna line up something else first.
there is no reason to stay in a band where you are unhappy. there are tons of opportunities out there to enjoy yourself. i play with several bands and love each one. but i used to play in a very successful jazz band that made a ton of money and i was miserable. i quit and i have never regretted it for a second. i still jam with a couple of the cats that i dug AND i still see the OTHER guys screwing up and wasting time doing BS that has gotten them nowhere. life is indeed short, and by sticking around with a bunch of guys you don't get along with, you are only denying yourself the opportunity to meet other musicians that you may have some real chemistry with.
 
#39
gjbassist said:
Why are you quitting a band that you co-founded? IMO it is the singer that needs to go, not you! Set down with the guitar player and tell him you are not happy with the current situation and that the singer needs to leave. If he doesn't agree, then you quit.
Click to expand...

That's what I did. But the guitarist already had it out with him once and doesn't want to rock the boat. When I told him how I felt he told me to 'let it go'. My opinion never counted for much anyway. I'll probably be better off; it has really killed my desire to play music. I think I'm going to take a few months off and see how I feel later.
 
#40
I like what Stumbo illustrated.

What he is describing is a little principle that's been around since the 30's (that I know of). I heard it from my dad. He knew guys from the 30's and 40's.

The Triangle of Truth.

A good situation has three sides: 1. Fun 2. Knowledge 3. Money

1. It has enjoyment, fun, a happy and creative situation. One that makes you feel good about yourself and your playing.
2. It has knowledge, learning, growing as a musician and performer. New harder material. stuff that makes you sit and practice to achieve.
3. Money....... Say no more.

A gig has to have 2 out of 3 three to be good.
Great fun, learning, low/no pay - OK
Knowledge, good money - NO FUN :( - OK.
You get the point.

When a gig is down to 1 of 3 it has to be REALLY FAT in the 1 category to make up for the other 2 missing.

If that situation didn't have 2, or 1 FAT, and you can't easily fix it, move on and find the RIGHT situation.

Last suggestion. If you don't already, learn to sing and play bass. Pick an easy lead vocal song and master it. Make it your own. Then get two, three. Once your singing a song a set. You WILL get gigs. You WILL become more valuable. If your not a vocalist, you need to realize your always replaceable.

A good singer/front man, can replace a band in a week. A band will take weeks/months to replace a good singer. Also, the band will be working over time learning mostly all new material to meet the singers song list/chops.

In my years, I've won auditions over much better players just because I could sing.

Just wanted to add my $0.02 to what Stumbo already spelled out.

Paul Pkaaso
 

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