Is there no greener grass?

[socialleper]

People discuss the "greener grass" syndrome a lot when it comes to 9 - 5 day jobs; that you want to leave for something "better" yet all you hear from people you know is the same level of BS you experience at your current job. You want something else, but have found yourself jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
I wonder if the same is true for bands.
I'm starting to feel like my current project has reached terminal velocity, and I think the other members are thinking the same thing. That has lead to a lack of enthusiasm for it, which means less practice and fewer shows. After all, that costs money, and we aren't making any of it back.
So I started pondering the idea of looking for a second project, or replacement if things go totally sideways. Then I had a frightening\startling notion: what if there is no greener grass? What if this is as good as it gets? Out of all of the dozens of bands I've played with over the last few years, I could probably count the number I'd want to hear again on one hand.
To use an unpleasant metaphor, is it better to stay in an unhappy musical marriage rather than dive into a uncertain dating pool and run the risk of ending up alone?

 

[James Collins]

You are correct mostly--although if you are in a toxic band, the grass might be greener somewhere else.

There is some science behind the idea of head winds and tail winds that explain the phenomenon. The idea is that if you are running into the wind, the entire time you struggle running into the wind you will notice it and feel miserable about it. When you turn so that the wind is at your back, you will feel relief and be happy about it only briefly, then you will forget that you have something helping you. It ends up making it seem like everyone else is better off, and your situation is worse. But the truth is always in between.

You can be in a pretty awesome band, but over time you will take it for granted and stop thinking about the good things, only noticing the bad. One of the keys is to practice actively appreciating the things that are good with your group. For example, one of your members helps carry your equipment every week--genuinely appreciate it instead of taking it for granted. Another key is to not focus solely on the difficulties you have in a negative/nonconstructive way. Also, try to be the best person you can be by providing tail winds and avoid causing head winds for your band mates.

 

[charlie monroe]

 

[socialleper]

View attachment 2886267

That's exactly where I got this thought from.

 

[Luciferiad]

I've worked in the same place for 15 years, and for much of that time I never really considered if the grass would be greener somewhere else. I've never cared about money; as long as I can support my music and motorcycle habits I'm fine. What's more important is being able to leave at the end of my shift and do the things I enjoy, and being appreciated and respected in the workplace. I have that now, but thanks to corporate shenanigans, I'm no longer being adequately compensated for my experience in my field relative to new hires with no experience. Grass seems greener everywhere to me right now.

In a band, I tend really only think about the band I'm in. I'm starting a recording project with a couple different guys, and this is the first time I've ever had more than one project running. I don't know yet it will be better, and I'm not thinking about that, I guess. Never been in my nature to worry about someone else's lawn, so to speak.

Not sure that rambling makes any sense, but there you go.

 

[socialleper]

You are correct mostly--although if you are in a toxic band, the grass might be greener somewhere else.

There is some science behind the idea of head winds and tail winds that explain the phenomenon. The idea is that if you are running into the wind, the entire time you struggle running into the wind you will notice it and feel miserable about it. When you turn so that the wind is at your back, you will feel relief and be happy about it only briefly, then you will forget that you have something helping you. It ends up making it seem like everyone else is better off, and your situation is worse. But the truth is always in between.

You can be in a pretty awesome band, but over time you will take it for granted and stop thinking about the good things, only noticing the bad. One of the keys is to practice actively appreciating the things that are good with your group. For example, one of your members helps carry your equipment every week--genuinely appreciate it instead of taking it for granted. Another key is to not focus solely on the difficulties you have in a negative/nonconstructive way. Also, try to be the best person you can be by providing tail winds and avoid causing head winds for your band mates.

It isn't an interpersonal thing at all. We actually all get along really well. So it is sort of the opposite of what a lot of people on TB experience. I want to practice more. I want to play more. I want to write more. I love music, and doing this is what makes my lousy 9-5 worth while.
We played our last show just before Halloween. We were pumped to finally do a Halloween show, but it was a bust. No one showed up, the ju-ju in the room was wrong, and we just blew it on stage. They, against my protests, decided to take Nov-Jan off, and we practiced twice in that time. Now they only want to practice once a month. It makes me feel like I'm not even in a band. If it was up to me, we'd be hammering stuff out every day after work in a lock out.
I love playing with them, but I want to play more, and maybe do something with a broader appeal. Then I look around at the bands in my area and think "I don't want to do what any of them are doing either."

 

[3Liter]

To use an unpleasant metaphor, is it better to stay in an unhappy musical marriage rather than dive into a uncertain dating pool and run the risk of ending up alone?

Maybe?

My story: Was in a sub par band for about a year and a half. I pushed it to get out and gig and we did and made a little money and a good number of connections. But the music was never there for me. It was always a battle, what are we going to play, who isn't prepared, who isn't there, etc. It was a drag. So I quit.

I'm in another project as well (and play in church) so that softened some of the blow of not having that outlet. But I do sort of miss some of the fellows but it was a lot of work for less than I was putting in.

But to answer your question. I have done a lot of jamming and looked at a couple of other projects. One was an outright disaster. Another is on the brinks of collapse (in my opinion): I'm not going to run someone else's project and that seems to be what it needs.

I want something else, but more on my terms (I'm really a guitar player). I'm somewhat terrified to blind audition for something knowing that there's 4 guys shredding my performance after I leave (yeah, that's how it works). But I *need* something better. I don't have necessarily to gig all the time, but everyone works on their poopie and comes prepared. Focused. Not "go learn these 5 songs" and someone only learns the one song because it had some part they wanted to do or nobody bothered to learn the vocals except for the car ride over. I'm really dying for a better experience, but I'm scared to take that next leap and I need to get over that.

Then there's also the commute in my area. It's a beast. So I might see the ad for a perfect fit, but driving across town is gonna kill me. So sometimes I think I should have stayed with that project, but in a reduced role.

 

[James Collins]

It isn't an interpersonal thing at all. We actually all get along really well. So it is sort of the opposite of what a lot of people on TB experience. I want to practice more. I want to play more. I want to write more. I love music, and doing this is what makes my lousy 9-5 worth while.
We played our last show just before Halloween. We were pumped to finally do a Halloween show, but it was a bust. No one showed up, the ju-ju in the room was wrong, and we just blew it on stage. They, against my protests, decided to take Nov-Jan off, and we practiced twice in that time. Now they only want to practice once a month. It makes me feel like I'm not even in a band. If it was up to me, we'd be hammering stuff out every day after work in a lock out.
I love playing with them, but I want to play more, and maybe do something with a broader appeal. Then I look around at the bands in my area and think "I don't want to do what any of them are doing either."

In that case, I would talk to the members honestly. Share that you would like to play more, and that if they do not, you may look for other opportunities to play. I don't think you have to abandon the rest of your band while you search for other opportunities, but you very well may end up doing so if something else takes up your time. If they are good as you say, and you are coming from a good place talking to them, they may be disappointed, but I think they would understand.

 

[1st Bass]

I tell all my students, “there’s a reason the grass is always greener over the septic tank...”

 

[gln1955]

Just think about all of the people who were in super successful bands, making big money, but still ended up wanting out. Many of them went on to do solo stuff or to another band that went nowhere. Maybe there isn't any situation where you don't look for the greener grass. Human nature.

 

[PauFerro]

People discuss the "greener grass" syndrome a lot when it comes to 9 - 5 day jobs; that you want to leave for something "better" yet all you hear from people you know is the same level of BS you experience at your current job. You want something else, but have found yourself jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
I wonder if the same is true for bands.
I'm starting to feel like my current project has reached terminal velocity, and I think the other members are thinking the same thing. That has lead to a lack of enthusiasm for it, which means less practice and fewer shows. After all, that costs money, and we aren't making any of it back.
So I started pondering the idea of looking for a second project, or replacement if things go totally sideways. Then I had a frightening\startling notion: what if there is no greener grass? What if this is as good as it gets? Out of all of the dozens of bands I've played with over the last few years, I could probably count the number I'd want to hear again on one hand.
To use an unpleasant metaphor, is it better to stay in an unhappy musical marriage rather than dive into a uncertain dating pool and run the risk of ending up alone?

If I can break from marriage analogy, look at the band as an old friend. the relationship has gotten tiresome, so you take a break from it and search for new friends, new experiences. Leave that old friend relationship open In bass language to be a sub, for example. it might come in handy!

But I'll say it again, if a band has gigs, the grass is green right under your feet! Unless you have toxic personalities.

I had one band where I completely quit, and it was because the toxic personalities of a couple members was affecting my inner peace. A clean break with the toxic musicians and continued relationship buiding with the ones you get along with is in order in that situation. I still perform with the drummer in that situation. The other 3 people I don't care if I see again.

I went looking for greener pastures. And decided to just plant my own and water it. It's grown into a mighty field in recent years. So much of the green grass exists because you decided to grow it! That has been my experience.

 

[RoadRanger]

I always find these threads where it isn't made clear whether it's a cover or originals project amusing - some of the replies seem to assume the former but the OP comment "costs money" (LOL) implies the latter? Very different situations in principle, maybe not in practice. Joining an existing gigging originals project is pretty much the same as joining a cover band IMO - you need to learn to cover the existing songs. Even if you are a founding member are the bass lines yours or mostly composed by the songwriter? Once the song is "done" you're covering it anyways . Many (most?) find that booring after a dozen gigs or so - YMMV. I think the #1 thing is to understand what it is you are actually doing and what the industry is (and make your peace with it) - otherwise you'll never be happy. Chasing what doesn't exist never gets you there...

 

[Spidey2112]

I tell all my students, “there’s a reason the grass is always greener over the septic tank...”

Nice... (copying for later use).

 

[Love_Bass]

Depends on where you live. When i lived in Austin Tx there was no shortage of bands, i was playing in 2 and jammed w others constantly. Now I'm back home in CNY and cant be so choosy. The band I'm in are not has serious has i would want however the drummer and I get together without the other guys and work together on tricky parts.

The unity/tightness of bass and drums makes or breaks a band. Practice with him/her has much has possible.

 

[two fingers]

I would have to make the move. I would rather deal with another band that sucks, but is different, rather than dealing with the same band that sucks for years. At least you get a change of scenery.

 

[RoadRanger]

I would have to make the move. I would rather deal with another band that sucks, but is different, rather than dealing with the same band that sucks for years. At least you get a change of scenery.

I'd make sure it was the band and not me first. I'm mediocre enough that I try not to assume the former LOL.

 

[Member8675309]

I tell all my students, “there’s a reason the grass is always greener over the septic tank...”

Because sewage provides nutrients to the grass, making it grow thicker and greener? Wade through the sewage and you’ll come out stronger? The grass is green and thick, but there is a pool of excrement beneath the surface? I think I might use it to fit the situation. I think it can be interpreted to be both positive and negative.

 

[1st Bass]

The industry in which I have toiled for the last thirty-odd years has few competitors locally. We build railcars and barges. There has been another shipyard, just across the river, where they have consistently paid slightly higher wages. So, periodically, we lose a number of valuable employees, who are very well-trained, because they are being promised better wages.

Frequently they have called me later, bewailing the realities of the new job, saying the place is a total nightmare in which to work, and that they "wish they'd never left!" And there have been many who left, and within a month or two were laid off from the "better" job, and had no job at all. Pretty sad.

So, one way to find out if the grass is really greener is to talk to someone else who actually went there.

On the other hand, the grass is nearly always greener inside a large pasture, than in the woods outside it. One difference is that the deer, etc. outside have a chance of getting eaten by a coyote or cougar. But the Hereford cattle inside have a 100% chance of being eaten by people. Probably doesn't really apply, I guess. But it is something to consider.

 

[Member8675309]

The industry in which I have toiled for the last thirty-odd years has few competitors locally. We build railcars and barges. There has been another shipyard, just across the river, where they have consistently paid slightly higher wages. So, periodically, we lose a number of valuable employees, who are very well-trained, because they are being promised better wages.

Frequently they have called me later, bewailing the realities of the new job, saying the place is a total nightmare in which to work, and that they "wish they'd never left!" And there have been many who left, and within a month or two were laid off from the "better" job, and had no job at all. Pretty sad.

So, one way to find out if the grass is really greener is to talk to someone else who actually went there.

On the other hand, the grass is nearly always greener inside a large pasture, than in the woods outside it. One difference is that the deer, etc. outside have a chance of getting eaten by a coyote or cougar. But the Hereford cattle inside have a 100% chance of being eaten by people. Probably doesn't really apply, I guess. But it is something to consider.

Dude, you’ve got some excellent analogies. I’m still trying to figure out the septic one. Sometimes the best analogies force you to think and consider multiple angles, rather than have the meaning put on a platter for you.

 

[wintremute]

It seems to me that everything has a life span, and after a certain point it's time to move on. The grass starts as seeds, then it grows lush and green, and then it browns and dies. So at some point, the grass will be greener on the other side, but who knows for how long.