From my arranger/composer friend down in Florida...
- If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down his amp.
- The number of notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad is proportional to the number of drinks he has consumed.
- 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + 4.667 + 4 +(x, where x is unknown) = Horn player trading fours with the drummer.
- 5/4 + 7/4 + 1 1/4 = the drummer's gig
- If the number of drinks consumed per musician = the number of drinks comped by club, then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20(pay for gig)
- 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = 1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.
- 1 uptempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = y (fights among horn players to solo first)
- "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) x (# of jazz vocalists who sing "Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among tunes most despised by intrumentalists
- Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity
- Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break
- (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats per chorus.
- If x + piano's deviance from being in tune, y = volume level of drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist on break, then (d)(xyz / pay of the gig, in $), predicts the probability of pianist urinating in his instrument.
- "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.
- "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the instrument.
- [(New + York)² - (New New + York York + York new) + New York + 2(Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medley from hell
- "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # of people in audience < # of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge
- "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks Club gig
- If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 at 180 bpm, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to 150 bpm, does the pianist still suck?
and finally...
- If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxaphonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice? Will the drummer?
