lyrics

[servetakid]

turn on the news, and my mind goes numb
see the killing machines, with rockets and guns
killing the children and killing peoples sons

choose your leaders, and place your trust
the lies run out, turn to promises of rust
the countries on its knees, almost going bust*

*i dont like this line

wot do people think of my first attemp at lyrics, any improvements or add-ons welcome!

 

[tom e smith]

Good job, especially for a first attempt. I agree about the "almost going bust line. Maybe try "hope turning to dust".

 

[Stumbo]

turn on the news, and my mind goes numb
see the killing machines, with rockets and guns
killing the children, killing people's sons

choose your leaders, and place your trust
then the lies run out, turn to promises of rust
the country's on its knees, truth is a must

Fixed a couple things, add/changed a few things.
Maybe you'll like it.

Xlnt first try at lyrics. You might want to keep a journal of ideas, thoughts, observations, stories and such that can jump start your creativity.

 

[servetakid]

its my first serios attemp at lyrics, im 15 and in a band we need some original stuff so decided to take on that roll, thanks for those suggestions

 

[CharlieDog]

You might want to keep a journal of ideas, thoughts, observations, stories and such that can jump start your creativity.

Do this, definently. It works for poetry, lyrics, stories, whatever. As you progress with your writing, you'll see how far you've come and where you're headed with your work. When you do look back at what you've written, you'll find that the stuff you thought was pure excellence on a bagel...isn't so excellent. This is good. It shows that you're improving.

Every now and then, you'll even find a hiddem gem in all that stuff.