started dating my best friend fell head over heels in love and then it all fell apart. now i have neither the woman I fell for or the best friend to talk about it with...
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Monumentally bad decisions
- Thread starter slobake
- Start date
Happened to me, too. Best friends for 8 years, thought she was the proverbial 'one', but we couldn't hang and she's no longer in my life as either a lover or a friend................ and I couldn't be happier about it!
It took a long time, but once I really thought about it and smelt the roses I realized we really weren't good for each other, and I really am better off not having her in my life. I met a much more wonderful and beautiful woman a couple months ago, and, while things are still young, I do feel like I've found someone who I'm much better suited for and who is much better suited for me. It took me close to two years before I was finally over that first girl, but I learned a lot from it and I'm a better person now for this new girl because of it. But yeah, if I could pull through it I know you can, too
PM if you ever want to talk about your situation. Maybe I can lend some advice or, at worst, just lend a friendly ear.
Monumental? Nope, but a bad decision I made a few years ago was when a rather cute girl asked me out (yeah, she asked me, not the other way around), and I kinda freaked and asked her to invite a mutual friend. She wasn't at all pleased, and I could tell she was already nervous from asking. She never did again. First and only girl who has asked me for a date so openly.
To my defense, I was (and am still a wee bit) emotionally scarred and unstable from several crappy situations in my youth. I won't go into detail about them, but they were bad. Basically, it has hurt my trust in people and makes me quite wary of intimate situations (emotional, sexual, etc.)
As for a potential bad decision in foresight, I have made up my mind not to have any children (for a lot of reasons, all pretty valid); should I foresee a lonely old age? Will I have the urge to have a kid when it is too late? Maybe that's only the social pressure talking.
To my defense, I was (and am still a wee bit) emotionally scarred and unstable from several crappy situations in my youth. I won't go into detail about them, but they were bad. Basically, it has hurt my trust in people and makes me quite wary of intimate situations (emotional, sexual, etc.)
As for a potential bad decision in foresight, I have made up my mind not to have any children (for a lot of reasons, all pretty valid); should I foresee a lonely old age? Will I have the urge to have a kid when it is too late? Maybe that's only the social pressure talking.
Wow, I didn't know what was going to happen when I started this thread. It was a little scary for me putting some of my stuff out there for the whole world to see. The response has almost restored my faith in humanity, well bass players anyway. 
I am amazed at a lot of the replies. Yes a lot of us have been through tough times and made bad decisicions but I see people admitting it, learning from it and moving on. I have also learned some things by reading your posts. A tip of my bass cleff had to you all.
I am amazed at a lot of the replies. Yes a lot of us have been through tough times and made bad decisicions but I see people admitting it, learning from it and moving on. I have also learned some things by reading your posts. A tip of my bass cleff had to you all.
Well, there was this girl whose opening words to me were "You're the spitting image of my dead ex-boyfriend" ...
Yeah, you can imagine how that turned out.
Yeah, you can imagine how that turned out.
Did you ask her if she was the one who killed him and if the first time she did it it wasn't enough?
It's a tough thing to get help for, and the other (often extreme, sometimes too common) side of getting help has been laid out in this thread as well.
Things can get better. Hope they are for you!
Let's see... my own monumentally bad decisions...
Most of my bad decisions have been impulsive / just plain dumb, and I've gotten away with some of them and others have had lasting consequences. Fortunately the lasting consequences have largely expired at this point - but then, it's been 20+ years since some of the bad decisions.
Funny story about a bad and extremely impulsive decision I *did* get away with, somehow:
Was riding a sportbike on an extremely hot and humid day, while wearing full textile gear. My jacket was wide open, but that's the best I could do. Couldn't tie the gear to the bike because all my camping gear was already there. I was a hot, sweaty, fatigued, nearly-hallucinating MESS. All I wanted to do was get home.
I got off the freeway and was waiting at the light at the bottom of the ramp, and looking up at a guy with a fire hose standing on the overpass washing the large road signs. The light changed, I turned to go under the overpass, and he stopped with the hose. I got going fast as I could, straightened the bike, took both hands off the bars, sat up, put my arms out, and yelled "HIT ME!!!!"
Fire hose, mind you.
Hard blast, center chest. If he had been off by just a few inches, it would have spun me sideways and down hard. As it was, I just coasted toward him a couple of seconds, then figured I'd better accelerate before I lost all momentum.
Got away with it, but wow. How dumb can you get? I guess it wasn't real bright on his part either....
Most of my bad decisions have been impulsive / just plain dumb, and I've gotten away with some of them and others have had lasting consequences. Fortunately the lasting consequences have largely expired at this point - but then, it's been 20+ years since some of the bad decisions.
Funny story about a bad and extremely impulsive decision I *did* get away with, somehow:
Was riding a sportbike on an extremely hot and humid day, while wearing full textile gear. My jacket was wide open, but that's the best I could do. Couldn't tie the gear to the bike because all my camping gear was already there. I was a hot, sweaty, fatigued, nearly-hallucinating MESS. All I wanted to do was get home.
I got off the freeway and was waiting at the light at the bottom of the ramp, and looking up at a guy with a fire hose standing on the overpass washing the large road signs. The light changed, I turned to go under the overpass, and he stopped with the hose. I got going fast as I could, straightened the bike, took both hands off the bars, sat up, put my arms out, and yelled "HIT ME!!!!"
Fire hose, mind you.
Hard blast, center chest. If he had been off by just a few inches, it would have spun me sideways and down hard. As it was, I just coasted toward him a couple of seconds, then figured I'd better accelerate before I lost all momentum.
Got away with it, but wow. How dumb can you get? I guess it wasn't real bright on his part either....
I stopped playing almost completely from the time I was 18 until I was 34. During the time I should have been struggling to make a real go of music (my 20s) I was busy instead managing the disintegration of a misbegotten marriage to a very unmusical wife. Losing that wife was a silver lining, but by the time I was good enough again to compete with my contemporaries in music, it was pretty damn irresponsible to embark on that journey. There were bills to pay, after all—houses, cars, insurance, and child support. If somehow I could have avoided that fateful meeting of the first wife, who knows how life might have been different? It definitely could have been easier—or at least more fun.
Keep some healthy perspective with that and you'll do fine.
Good decisions:
- spontaneous weekend trips to places
- trying new sports or hobbies out at random
- signing up for a college course you're interested
in even if it's not a required class
Bad decisions:
- getting blackout drunk because everyone else is
- trying out drugs because everyone else is doing them
- agreeing to sex without a condom
There are definitely things worth doing just because, and things not worth doing even if other people are doing them. I mention those particular bad decisions only because you're at that age. It's not that you can't do those things but that the outcomes from those things can severely screw your life up if you're not careful with them. Getting caught underage drinking or with drugs can really **** your future, and having a kid at your age will greatly reduce your options in life. In other words, just be smart and don't do everything just to say you've done it
See, now you've put all the fun stuff on the "don't do it" list...
I kid.
He's right, though. My decision making tree is basically "What will make for the better story when I'm old?" I'll rule out the stuff with catastrophic consequences and then do whatever's left that will lead to an awesome story. I wish someone had given me advice like that when I started college (or that I would've been smart enough to listen to that advice anyway).
I will say this though, the little random trips and experiences that I've shared with my friends have made college the best hardest thing I've ever done. You may not think a lot about a small road trip to X location now, but a few years from now, you'll be glad you went.
I don't have anything crazy bad, but I've made a few.
The one that haunts me the most has to do with buying my house that I have now. Bought my first house at 23, a couple months before I got married, for $63K, sold it for $114K a few years later. Built my next house, it was a real nice home, all top shelf. Total cost was $164K. Liked living there for quite a while, but my wife hated the town and didn't want to send our kids to school there. After being pressured I agreed to sell the house and move to a different (MORE EXPENSIVE) town. At the time we sold it I owed about $115K on it. Sold it for $265K. Bought the next one, which was $330K, and got myself locked into a 15 year mortgage which runs over $2K per month. Worst part is, after building my last house I knew what was good and what was crap. This house was total spec-house crap and I knew it the minute I saw it. But....she was set on us getting that house. At the time we were in a real rough patch in our marriage and I feared that she would leave me if we didn't live where she wanted. So I did not stand my ground, I agreed to buy the house, and within a short time the market crashed. Now I'm stuck with a house that is worth $100K less than what I paid and is starting to get to the point where it will need expensive repairs. And that can be tough, I have very little equity, and the payment takes up a lot of what I make.
If I had it to do all over again, I should have just stayed in my last house. It was nicer, cheaper, and at this point it would have been virtually paid off, or really darn close.
The one that haunts me the most has to do with buying my house that I have now. Bought my first house at 23, a couple months before I got married, for $63K, sold it for $114K a few years later. Built my next house, it was a real nice home, all top shelf. Total cost was $164K. Liked living there for quite a while, but my wife hated the town and didn't want to send our kids to school there. After being pressured I agreed to sell the house and move to a different (MORE EXPENSIVE) town. At the time we sold it I owed about $115K on it. Sold it for $265K. Bought the next one, which was $330K, and got myself locked into a 15 year mortgage which runs over $2K per month. Worst part is, after building my last house I knew what was good and what was crap. This house was total spec-house crap and I knew it the minute I saw it. But....she was set on us getting that house. At the time we were in a real rough patch in our marriage and I feared that she would leave me if we didn't live where she wanted. So I did not stand my ground, I agreed to buy the house, and within a short time the market crashed. Now I'm stuck with a house that is worth $100K less than what I paid and is starting to get to the point where it will need expensive repairs. And that can be tough, I have very little equity, and the payment takes up a lot of what I make.
If I had it to do all over again, I should have just stayed in my last house. It was nicer, cheaper, and at this point it would have been virtually paid off, or really darn close.
Geez, I could have written this! 33 years of smoking for me, and I quit 7 years ago! Best thing I ever did too!
Worst decision? Marrying for sex. It never works.
Mine are simple ;
- Bought into the myth that a college degree is a necessity to be successful and/or lead a relatively comfortable lifestyle. Was way in debt when I graduated and it had a minimal (if nonexistent) impact on my career path. Took forever to clear my debt.
- Buying gear left and right while being in debt. Being smart with money has turned my whole life around!
- Not breaking up with one of my exes MUCH sooner. Being drop-dead gorgeous with the nicest body ever and having the image in my head that she was still the sweet delicate angel she once was played dirty tricks on me.
- Bought a house that needs some extensive work in order to be what it could be. Wasn't aware of how expensive renovations typically are. Otherwise, I would've waited or bought something else that was closer to what we needed it to be right then and there.
- Broke up with a girl I really liked when I was 18 because she was 14. She was super sweet, I really really liked her, and she was head over heels in love with me. I wanted things to progress and I was feeling really guilty about having impure thoughts about her. In the end, I thought I was doing the noble thing by breaking up with her because I thought I was "robbing her of her innocence." Back then, she was one of the only people who only saw good in me. There was also the self-deprecating part of me who thought she could do better. When I started to think about wanting to "have her" all the time, I put a stop to it and broke up with her. She was heartbroken and I didn't think my explanation would make sense so I made up a stupid excuses.
She sent me Valentine's Day cards 2 years in a row pleading me to reconsider, but by that time, I had fully committed to my decision. She found me on Facebook a couple of years ago and we talked things out. After she heard the story from my end, she thanked me for coming clean and for having the best of intentions, even if she told me that it was one of the hardest periods she had ever had to go through because she was so in love with me. But she was happy to finally know everything and get closure. If I could go back in time, I'd have stuck it out.
Luckily for me, I met my now wife. But it took 12 years before I met the only other person who "got" me.
- Bought into the myth that a college degree is a necessity to be successful and/or lead a relatively comfortable lifestyle. Was way in debt when I graduated and it had a minimal (if nonexistent) impact on my career path. Took forever to clear my debt.
- Buying gear left and right while being in debt. Being smart with money has turned my whole life around!
- Not breaking up with one of my exes MUCH sooner. Being drop-dead gorgeous with the nicest body ever and having the image in my head that she was still the sweet delicate angel she once was played dirty tricks on me.
- Bought a house that needs some extensive work in order to be what it could be. Wasn't aware of how expensive renovations typically are. Otherwise, I would've waited or bought something else that was closer to what we needed it to be right then and there.
- Broke up with a girl I really liked when I was 18 because she was 14. She was super sweet, I really really liked her, and she was head over heels in love with me. I wanted things to progress and I was feeling really guilty about having impure thoughts about her. In the end, I thought I was doing the noble thing by breaking up with her because I thought I was "robbing her of her innocence." Back then, she was one of the only people who only saw good in me. There was also the self-deprecating part of me who thought she could do better. When I started to think about wanting to "have her" all the time, I put a stop to it and broke up with her. She was heartbroken and I didn't think my explanation would make sense so I made up a stupid excuses.
She sent me Valentine's Day cards 2 years in a row pleading me to reconsider, but by that time, I had fully committed to my decision. She found me on Facebook a couple of years ago and we talked things out. After she heard the story from my end, she thanked me for coming clean and for having the best of intentions, even if she told me that it was one of the hardest periods she had ever had to go through because she was so in love with me. But she was happy to finally know everything and get closure. If I could go back in time, I'd have stuck it out.
Luckily for me, I met my now wife. But it took 12 years before I met the only other person who "got" me.
The worst decision I ever made wasn't actively deciding to do something, it was letting my emotions get the better of me and not checking them. I regret that decision, or rather lack thereof, to this very day, and I personally consider it one of my more shameful moments, and largest single failing as a person and a man. The long and short of it, I was spit on by a drunk partygoer, words were exchanged, fists were thrown, and he wound up in the hospital. I had witnesses saying that it happened quickly, and that he was the aggressor, so I didn't have charges pressed against me. While I was legally in the right, I still feel terrible about it to this day, and have tried ever since to keep myself from getting into a situation like that.
I don't know where it stands in the grand scheme of things as far as monumentally bad decisions, (not on the same level as invading Russia in August) but it was still the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't know where it stands in the grand scheme of things as far as monumentally bad decisions, (not on the same level as invading Russia in August) but it was still the worst decision I've ever made.
It wasn't quite that simple. 9 years married, two kids, decent jobs, lots on the line.
Now, 7 years later it's a whole new ball game. We've both changed a lot and realize that even though we were well into adulthood we were both somewhat immature. Still married to her, and our relationship is better than it ever has been.
Don't want to go back to that time in my life.
My second biggest mistake.....
Not putting forth more effort in college. I cruised through a rather highly rated high school, scored close to 1400 on my SAT's, graduated in the top 5% of my class, and could have almost gone to my school of choice for virtually anything I might have wanted. I chose to go to a state college, was really lazy, had no idea what I wanted to do, spent more time with friends than I should have, put in minimal effort and squeaked by, sometimes on academic probation. I woke up by my junior year and buckled down, making the Dean's list my last 5 semesters, but I wasted a lot of time, quite a bit of my parents' money, and never did figure out what I wanted to do. I got my B.S. in History and planned to teach high school but it never happened. I wound up going back into the HVAC field, a business I grew up around, because it was easy to get in and paid fairly well. Now, almost 18 years later, I'm still stuck in it, hate it, and can't get out of it. I regret not being a more serious student and figuring out what I actually wanted to do with my life as far as my career.
^^^
Amen. When anyone says they 'wouldn't change a thing I ever did in my life', I tend to not believe that person. There's a whole lot I'd like to do over and do right, and it only makes sense.
Not that it matters now. You make the best of what you have...and be grateful things didn't turn out worse.
Because it could always be worse.
But a lot of good things happened too.
Amen. When anyone says they 'wouldn't change a thing I ever did in my life', I tend to not believe that person. There's a whole lot I'd like to do over and do right, and it only makes sense.
Not that it matters now. You make the best of what you have...and be grateful things didn't turn out worse.
Because it could always be worse.
But a lot of good things happened too.
